Panicked White House executives struggled to respond to what was deemed an imminent threat by Iran to attack Air Force One moments before Trump was scheduled to fly out of Turkey after a NATO summit last month.

Initially Trump refused to leave his Qatar-gifted gilded Air Force One, saying, “I’m going to put a chandelier here, I’m going to put gold trim all over the place,” until Marco Rubio and Karoline Leavitt successfully lured him onto the more secure old Air Force One with twelve McGriddles placed in the left-side entrance door of the airplane. Staff then threw a hastily procured tarp labelled “Veal” over Trump and stuffed him into a catering container lifted onto the right side of the plane.

Trump was then transferred to a C-32A military plane, according to staff members who wished to remain anonymous because people would be severely pissed if they learned they were briefing news media about tarps labelled “Veal” and other sensitive security issues.