May 13, 2005
Report Links Bolton To Mafia, Elder Abuse, Prostitution; Sure To be Confirmed, Sources Say

Also A Crack Addict, Senators Admit

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee reported yesterday that nominee John Bolton has ties to organized crime and worked as a "crack whore" as recently as last Tuesday. "That being said," said Senator George V. Voinovich, "the committee is sending Mr. Bolton's nomination on to the Senate floor where he will almost certainly be confirmed."

GOP Senators vowed that the time was right for a United States citizen such as Bolton -- who senators admitted may also have been a "pimp" when he was UnderSecretary of State -- to represent the United States in the United Nations. "John Bolton is the man for the job," said GOP Elder James Baker III, who took his hand out of the pockets of Saudi oil merchants just long enough to speak to reporters today.

"We want to signal our willingness to work closely with the member nations of the U.N. by sending them a man who is a fine example of what this administration is all about," said Dick Cheney.

Mr. Bolton could not be reached for comment. A spokesperson said that Bolton was spending some "personal time" sticking pins in a Kofi Annan doll with some friends.

Posted by Tom Burka at 4:32 PM in News