December 28, 2016
Trump Takes Credit for Inventing Telephone, Airplane

Donald Trump, in a tweet, thanked himself this morning for the invention of the telephone. "Now ppl can talk to each other across vast distances! Thanks, Donald," he tweeted.

"Amazing technical progress now that I've been elected," he tweeted.

In another tweet, Trump seemed to be suggesting that winning the election enabled the invention of flight. "Used to take months to cross the country, now you can do it in hours," Trump said. "Not Prez yet but ALREADY MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."

Democrats have insisted these devices existed well before Trump was elected, but Republicans say this is not so. "That's ridiculous," Senate Leader Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stated.

Trump supporters praised the Donald for making their current way of life possible. "Can you imagine what the world would be like if we didn't have fire?" said Giles Emphatic of Ponoma, Wisconsin. "Thanks, Donald."

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December 21, 2016
Trump University and Electoral College Announce Merger

The chancellor of Trump University today announced that it had successfully completed negotiations to acquire the Electoral College. "No other University has an Electoral College. It's much better than a college of, say, physical sciences," he said.

"Trump University is intent on improving its offerings in any way that can enrich Donald Trump and his family," Chancellor Don Novello told reporters. "So that they can then better the lives of our students," he quickly added.

Spokespeople for the Electoral College said that the merger with Trump University would help the College in its mission to give more sparsely populated states undue influence in American elections. "It's very important that we allow swing states to determine the outcome of elections as opposed to more populous states," Dean Reince Priebus said. "We want to do everything we can to contravene the will of the majority of Americans."

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December 20, 2016
Electoral College Not Even Accredited, Critics Say

Democrats pushing for the elimination of the Electoral College now say they have discovered that the college has no professors, no classes, and provides no education.

"We're talking about massive electoral voter fraud," said Claire Dinsmore of the National Institute of Higher Learning. "None of these electoral received any kind of education at all."

Hillary Clinton supporters also claimed that the College sold the phony hope that they could choose a seasoned, experienced woman to be the U.S. President.

"It turns out that was just a pipe dream," said Dinsmore. "Once again the Electoral College has perpetrated a hoax on the American people."

Investigators are now looking into reports that the Electoral College is selling phony diplomas. "We think it may be linked to Trump University," said one.

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December 12, 2016
James Comey Says Santa's Letters Received on Private Server, Opens Investigations

FBI Director James Comey today announced that a laptop that an elf had been using to communicate with underaged reindeer contained hundreds of thousands of previously undisclosed letters to Santa asking Santa to intervene and stop Donald Trump from taking office.

"Dear Santa," one such letter reads, "All I want for Christmas is Hillary Clinton as President Elect." Other letters ask Santa to bribe American electors with expensive gifts.

"These letters suggest there is a vast conspiracy asking a foreign power -- Santa -- to meddle with the results of an American election," Comey said. "Nobody should attempt to change the results of an American election with a letter."

An aide whispered in Comey's ear, after which Comey added, "Of course, there are exceptions."

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December 10, 2016
Trump to Run Country During Commercial Breaks

Donald Trump refused today to relinquish his role as a producer of Celebrity Apprentice, saying that he would devote all of his time during commercial breaks to the Presidency.

"That'll be plenty of time," he said. "I'm very efficient, I get tons done very quickly."

Trump, in several tweets, explained that, if anything required his attention while working on the show, Omarosa, a previous contestant on The Apprentice, would be available to tell people that Trump "will be right back after this."

Trump was thinking of merging his responsibilities by inviting leaders from around the world to compete on the show. "I think Angela Merkel would make a great contestant, terrific contestant, the best."

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December 9, 2016
Trump Names Martin Skreli to Head NIH

President-Elect Donald Trump named Martin Skreli to head the National Institutes of Health today, saying that it was time for the government-funded medical research to "become profitable again," stop "hemorrhaging money" and "earn its keep."

"We've just been pouring money into it and getting nothing back," said Trump. "Martin has a proven track record of being able to squeeze blood from a stone -- and sometimes patients," he quipped.

Skreli is the best man to safeguard this most precious of American medical institutions, senior Trump adviser Kelly Anne Conway told reporters. She pooh-poohed the idea that an experienced biomedical researcher or hospital administrator might be a better choice to head the NIH than a former hedge fund manager and businessman. "Would you want a dairy farmer managing a bunch of cows?" she asked. "That's why so many people have stopped eating dairy."

Skreli famously bought a pharmaceutical company and hiked the price of one of its most popular drugs from $13.50 a pill to $750. "The man is a genius," said Trump.

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December 1, 2016
Trump to Put General Petraeus in Charge of Handling Classified Information

Donald Trump today announced that he had appointed General Petraeus to a special post in his new administration as the Classified Material Security Adviser.

"Because General Patreus is an expert at mishandling classified information, we're very sure that he can tell us how to do the opposite of what he did, and our classified information will be safe," Trump told four tourists who had visited the Trump Tower lobby early this morning. Trump wore a terrycloth bathrobe embroidered with his initials in gold.

Experts applauded the decision. "They're going to need someone to focus on classified material," said Professor Peter Gumwald of the University of Tahiti. "Because everyone and his brother are going to have top secret clearances. Literally."

Paula Broadwell will be hired on as General Petraus's aide.

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