November 23, 2016
Trump Excited to Deduct 3 Trillion Dollar Debt from Next Year's Taxes
Through a tax code trick called "further loss depreciation" Donald Trump will be deducting the nation's debt from his personal taxes, enabling him to avoid paying taxes for the rest of his life. Trump explained, "I will be once again taking advantage of one of the loopholes that Hillary Clinton wrote into the law and refused to fix. But I'm not complaining!" he laughed. Even better, Trump noted, he could share that deduction with his children through a tax maneuver accountants call "outright fraud."
"It's only fair that President Trump should both be able to benefit from any losses he generates for the nation," said Kellyanne Conway.
"America is going to be so, so great," the President-Elect said, looking through a satchel filled with crisply rubberbanded stacks of cash. "So great. Absolutely winning."
Posted by Tom Burka at 9:46 AM
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November 22, 2016
Analysts Now Conclude Horrible Debate Performance Just as Likely to Win Voters as Magnificent Debate Performance
Analysts, admitting they had "been getting it all wrong," now say that a winning debate performance was just as likely to win voters as a horrendous, gut wrenching, mind-numbingly bad debate performance.
"We were either not asking the right questions," said Professor Ted Rarko, "or having some very long, tasty lunches and not asking the right questions." He remarked that political scientists had made the mistake of simply assuming that the candidate who displayed superior knowledge of foreign and domestic policies, and who articulately advanced convincing arguments for her leadership of the country, would garner increased electoral support.
"it's a head scratcher," said Professor Wilamena Panderson. "Maybe we've been wrong all these years, maybe up is down."
"Or maybe they're both up," Rarko added.
"We made a mistake," Senator Marco Rubio said of his failed campaign, "I told my campaign manager we didn't need to look like we were smart. That's two hours of my life I'll never get back."
Posted by Tom Burka at 9:00 AM
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November 16, 2016
Unfair to Judge Bannon by Prior Statements, Publications, and Positions, Say Republicans
Anonymous Republicans today defended President-Elect Trump's selection of Breitbart Publisher Steve Bannon for the post of Chief Advisor on his new staff, arguing that he is being unfairly judged.
A Republican wearing a paper bag on his head, in what he called a "fashion choice," said that people judging Steve Bannon by his prior associations, published headlines, and statements are jumping to conclusions. "He could have entirely unobjectionable views," said the Republican Senator, who denied that he was afraid to identify himself for fear of being associated with the Trump Administration. "He might not be a White Nationalist or a member of the Alt-Right. He might be a Democrat. He could be the most liberal guy on the planet. He could be a magnificent artist or a wise sage. He might be a cyborg. Let's just wait and see before people go moaning about him being an antisemite misogynist man with incredibly dangerous positions."
Others pointed out that when Bannon referred to "dykes" at the Seven Sisters Schools, "he may have meant embankments in the Netherlands."
Bonny Frugwurst, a housewife from Kentucky, complained that people were not giving Trump a chance. "You gotta respect his personnel choices," she said. "I have faith that Steve Gannon is going to make America white-- I mean, great again."
Posted by Tom Burka at 8:43 AM
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