March 11, 2009
Not Counting Losses, Citigroup Shows Record Profit

Wall Street Rejoices

Aside from the billions it lost, Citigroup made millions of dollars in profit, wowing battered investors and sending the stock market skyrocketing all the way back up to to last week's horrific low. "It's a miracle!" said one trader, "We're back on track!"

"When we examined our books, we found that the months where the government gave us money showed us taking in absolutely whopping amounts of cash," said Citigroup executive Neil Patsy. "We were raking it in. Seriously. The government drove dump trucks to our headquarters and we gathered everything they gave us with rakes."

Investors hungry for good news pounced on what some called "interesting accounting practices" to push the market skyward, "or at least to prop it up like a crude box trap held up by a stick tied to a string," said another trader.

Economics Professor Urtigan Azkawari, whose ministering to sick companies has earned him the nickname "Dr. Money," said that he was pleased with Citigroup's progress. "Look at the patient," he said. "He's lost his arms, his legs, his kidneys and he's half blind -- but other than that that, he's doing quite well."

Posted by Tom Burka at 6:09 PM in News