January 29, 2009
In Times of Trouble, Wall Street Prepared To Make Hard Bonuses

Sacrifice Not In Most Execs' Vocabulary, People Find

Wall Street execs responded today to President Obama's angry denunciation of their recent round of bonuses, saying that they were ready to knuckle down and make some real bonuses, endure true bonuses, and even brave possible bonuses in order to help their companies and the country find its way out a crippling economic downturn.

"I think President Obama is right," said CEO Martin Randolph, head of Entropy Manufacturing, the largest manufacturing company in the United States. "The situation is urgent. The board and I have decided that we must take drastic action and give ourselves bonuses right away, before it is too late."

But some CEOs responded strongly to President Obama's words. "If not bonuses, then what do we give ourselves?" said Brett Ratner, chief executive of Globutronics. "Bonuses are pretty much the only assets left to take."

"It is a common misconception that bonuses should be related to profits," explained Prof. Ernest Pyle, an expert on economics and a member of the boards of over 65 embattled, now-crappy companies. "Bonuses have to remain high in order that companies can continue to attract great CEOs after, say, they've been reorganized under bankruptcy proceedings."

The GOP leadership assailed Obama's words tonight, saying his words reflected a lack of understanding about righting the American financial system. "The only thing that will stimulate the economy is cutting taxes on these CEO's bonuses," said Sen. Mitch McConnell. "Nothing else."

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:21 PM in News