January 20, 2006
Assisted Suicide Ruling Lets Democrats Move Ahead With Plan For Self-Immolation

As the Supreme Court ruled this week that Oregon's assisted suicide law was valid, Democrats rejoiced that there was now no further bar to their complete self-destruction.

"Now we can finally put an end to it all," said Sen. Diane Feinstein, who admitted that she had been worried that she was on shaky legal ground when she tried to sink the party earlier this week.

Sen. Joe Biden expostulated on his delight about the ruling, frequently veering off topic to tell personal anecdotes and occasionally wondering why people yawned when he spoke.

Hillary Clinton was too busy, either making remarks to satisfy her base or passing anti-flag burning laws to satisfy conservatives, to comment on the Supreme Court's decision.

Professor Eugene Tibbs, author of the book "How to Do Yourself In Without Going to Jail: A Guide," said that he did not know why Democrats were so happy about the ruling. "This ruling covers assisted suicide," he said. "As far as I can see, the Democrats never needed any help."

Posted by Tom Burka at 1:32 PM in News