August 1, 2005
Heat Wave Breaks As Congress Adjourns

Researchers Tie Global Warming To Presence Of Talking Legislators

A wave of relief swept the nation as Congress adjourned last week and record high temperatures finally subsided.

"There is a definite correlation between increasing temperatures and the presence of legislating congresspeople," said scientist Lloyd Dnaiels, whose last name was the result of a spelling mistake that "stuck."

Scientists have rarely seen environmental effects as extreme as those caused by the last session of Congress, however. "This past year, we saw record-breaking levels of incendiary rhetoric, heated bloviating, and acid bile," said Dnaiels.

Dnaiels said that scientists are working to insulate Americans from the effects of Congress, but so far they have made little progress. "One solution under consideration is to dissolve Congress entirely, but some scientists maintain that Congress is capable of benefitting the American people," said Dnaiels. "We're still looking for signs of that."

If scientists succeed, said Dnaiels, they will move on to protecting Americans from the effects of the judiciary and executive branches of government.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:12 PM in News