September 9, 2004
Kerry Win Will Give Nation Painful, Itching Hemorrhoids, Says Cheney

Nation Could Get Hickies, Cooties, Too

In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things."

"You would all regret it,' said Cheney. "This country would have a hard time sitting down."

Cheney also warned of boils, plagues, frogs, hail, and terrifically unwatchable reality shows. "If you thought that 'Amish In The City' thing was bad, be very afraid ," he advised. "Safeguard your children."

Earlier this week, Cheney had said that if Americans chose Kerry, the nation would suffer a devestating terrorist attack, but Ann Womack, a spokeswoman for Mr. Cheney, backed away from that statement, saying that Cheney was merely trying to highlight policy differences between the candidates. "He's serious about the hemorrhoids, though," she said.

Cheney also said that, as a hedge against the Kerry's election, he has cornered the market on comfortable seat cushions.

Update: Sanity Defense has another take on Cheney's warning.

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:00 AM in News