September 23, 2004
GOP Putting Chads In Place In Anticipation Of Possible Recount

JACKSONVILLE, Fl. - Millions of chads are being shipped to Florida this week to be distributed throughout the state in anticipation of a possible recount.

"We're training volunteers to scatter chads all over Florida," said Griselda Tripp, an RNC operative. "The chad is no longer native to the area, so we have to import them," said Tripp.

Scads of chads.

Hundreds of eager young GOP interns are hanging, dimpling, and impregnating chads in preparation or their dispersal throughout select Florida counties.

"It's exciting work," said one intern, Hank Van Predicate III. "It's a thrill to be this closely involved in the democratic process.

Republican lawyers are preparing to stop recounts in Democratic-leaning counties, readying arguments that optically scanned ballots and electronic voting machines "are notoriously unreliable in recount situations where chads are even mentioned, let alone present."

The DNC and the Kerry campaign are striking back, however, enlisting their own "Chad Capture Squad" armed with rakes, shovels, and "implements of chad destruction."

"Nobody's going to steal this election," said Governor Jeb Bush about GOP efforts. "We're just going to tweak it a little bit."

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:22 PM in News