October 24, 2003
Letters to the Editor

Dear Tom,

I'm an average American, and I'm interested in learning about politics. I think it's time that I take responsibility for what's happening in my country, and the rest of the world; I now realize that righting the horrible wrongs I see done in this country, and correcting the problems I complain about every day, rests on me. With this in mind, I ask you: What can we do to get Blockbuster to stock enough copies of popular childrens' movies? My kids want to see "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," but nobody has it. Best Buy says it won't stock "unpopular movies"! As if -- I mean this is a great American classic and I can now see how the values of this country are in the dumpster. What can I do?


Dear Pablo,

Don't despair. Take my word for it, just vote for a Democrat. I don't want to make things difficult for you by explaining why.


* * *

Tom baby,

I am just an old cowhand. Literally. I work around cows. I recently heard about a program that will help our boys overseas, but I don't have any frequent flier miles. (All of my tax dollars have gone to bailing out the airlines and I can't afford to fly.) How can I help?

Strangely Affectionate Cowboy


You're talking about Operation Hero Miles, the program designed to help U.S. soldiers on leave from Iraqg et a flight home, when all the U.S. Government will do is drop them in a stinking hole in Germany on "leave" with little food, clothing, or money. It is a very fine program. I know that, with nine years of travel on United, I can now give one of those boys enough miles to plunge to a watery death a quarter of the way across the Atlantic, and I'm sure that someone, somewhere -- maybe someone who has flown for eighty years or something -- will donate enough miles to get that poor boy to J.F.K. Int'l Airport, even though he lives clear across the country in Wisconsin. At least he'll be able to hang out at the duty-free shop.

If you don't have miles, I would suggest saving your table scraps instead of throwing them out. You can make a nice compost or just send them as is to those fine fighting folks in Germany and they can tuck in. They'll really thank you for it.


Dear Mr. Opinions:

I am a single Mom with double twins living a triple duplex with no heat, and little running water. (It kind of saunters.) Which candidate cares most about Princess Di? I understand that she was murdered as part of a brutal conspiracy.

Mrs. Joyce Brothers

Dear Mrs. Brothers,

If it becomes a big campaign issue, all of them.

Tommy B.

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:15 AM in News