June 24, 2003
New Test For Supreme Court Nominees Involves Membership In All-White Country Club

Justice Thomas A Member For Past Seven Years

In the wake of a Supreme Court ruling upholding affirmative action, angry conservatives are calling for a new "litmus test" to be applied to prospective nominees to any newly vacated Court seat. The test will measure the potential Justice's position on affirmative action.

"The test is whether they can successfully join the Riverdale Country Club," said John Milk, a senior analyst at the Brookings Institute. The Riverdale Country Club is an exclusive single-race club, where non-whites are permitted to enter -- as waiters and servants.

Willy Loman, an African-American from Chevy Chase, has worked at the Riverdale Country Club for twenty-five years. "I've parked cars, I've waited tables, I've washed dishes. Sometimes I'm just the guy who spit polishes members' shoes in the bathrooms."

Scalia is already a member of the club. Said Loman, speaking off-the-record, "Whenever he comes by, it's a little strange. That Thomas guy goes wherever he does, eats whatever he does, goes to the bathroom when he does, it's like he wants to be some kind of white Italian guy."

Conservatives who oppose affirmative action were "shocked, shocked," at any suggestion race played a factor in Justice Thomas's nomination to the Supreme Court. John Milk said, "I thought it was because he liked milk."

Justice Souter had been a member of the Riverdale Country Club, but his membership was revoked after a series of liberal dissents. Charles Whiteman-Wilson III, director of the club's membership committee, said, "He wasn't rejected because he wasn't white enough for us -- race played no factor in the decision -- it's just -- how I do put it? He's got a really small head. It's absolutely tiny. He looks like a turtle."

Posted by Tom Burka at 10:37 AM in News