May 14, 2003
Iraq Reloaded

Today, U.S.Administrator Paul Bremer adopted a new policy to combat crime in Iraq permitting U.S. forces to try and sentence alleged criminals as soon as, or even before, they have been taken into custody. To speed up the process, which can normally take as long as ten minutes, U.S. forces will execute sentence first, shooting and killing alleged criminals, and hold the trials afterward. Families of suspects who are acquitted will receive stunning floral bouquets.

Bremer called this a "more muscular" approach to crime fighting. He said that he had rejected an "intestinal" approach, a "monosylabic" approach, a "gesticular" approach, an "aerodynamic" approach, and a "septicemic" approach before settling on "muscularity" as the buzzword for his plan.

Iraqis took comfort in the thought that the tide of violence and anarchy awash in the streets of Baghdad since Saddam's ouster would soon be stemmed by roving groups of U.S. soldiers firing at them willy-nilly.

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:54 PM in News