May 2, 2003
Cheney Suggests Bush Make Absurdly Dangerous Landing On Aircraft Carrier

In three Presidential firsts, George W. Bush was visibly excited after arriving on board the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln on a S-3 Viking jet wearing a flight suit over the largest codpiece worn by any President in U.S. history. A jet landing on an aircraft carrier is considered to be the most dangerous maneuver a pilot can perform. The pilot flying the jet was told that if he failed to make a successful landing, he would be punished severely, but because an unsuccessful landing constitutes crashing and blowing up, the pilot was simply told that his remains would not be scraped off the back of the carrier if he screwed up.

President Bush decided to arrive by jet at the suggestion of Dick Cheney, who said, "You'll be o.k. as long as you keep your privates covered." Cheney has also suggested that, for future press conferences, national addresses and pubic appearances, the President should:

  • jump a motorcycle over ten schoolbuses through a flaming hoop onto a podium;

  • strap himself to a stealth fighter which releases him just in time for him to hang glide down into a narrow canyon to land on a dime taped to the floor behind a microphone located in the safe zone of a platform otherwise covered with ten foot tall razor-sharp spikes;

  • walk across a tightrope strung between the United Nations and the Empire State Building during a windstorm while carrying two heavy briefcases and balancing a copy of the White House budget on his head; and

  • take the place of the football during the opening kick of the next Superbowl game.
Upon the President's return to the White House that evening, Cheney greeted him at the door to the Oval office with a cool drink and a snack.

"Pretzel?" he offered.

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:16 AM in Top Stories