March 11, 2008
Stagflation Making Cost of Hookers Unacceptably High, Spitzer Says

New York Governor Elliot Spitzer attacked Republicans today for creating an economic climate so hostile to middle and low income workers that they can barely afford the cost of a decent blowjob. "The cost of prostitutes is skyrocketing while the salary of the average American worker is declining," Spitzer complained.

"Everyone should be able to get a reasonably priced reacharound," said Spitzer, "but George W. Bush and his cronies want only the Washington fatcats to be able to afford quality hummers."

Spitzer said he was astonished that he recently had to pay close to $5000 for what he called "basic services."

"Now we see that the effects of the subprime mortgage collapse are truly widespread," Spitzer said, his anguished wife mysteriously standing beside him. Spitzer noted that under Democratic rule, escort services have always been far more affordable.

Republicans defended themselves, noting that the rising cost of intercourse reflected a burgeoning economy, and noted that any money injected into "hooking establishments" would just trickle down to lower earning members of our Capitalist society.

Spitzer responded that being trickled on was also prohibitively expensive, especially at the parlors he frequented.

Posted by Tom Burka at 7:36 AM in News

March 4, 2008
Democratic Candidates Vow To Battle For Nomination Through 2009

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton today separately vowed that, regardless of the results of today's now important Texas and Ohio primaries, they will not rest until one of them has been crowned the official Presidential nominee of the Democratic Party, "hopefully by the spring of 2009."

"It is for the good of the party and the good of the nation that we select the right nominee," said Clinton, "even if it takes until next Easter."

Barack Obama noted that the contest is "already over," even before today's votes are counted, because, as analysts have already shown, Clinton can never make up the delegate deficit, no matter how well she does. Nevertheless, Obama said that he would consider conceding the nomination to Clinton depending on the results of next year's Superbowl. "If the Patriots lose again, I'm out," he said.

Democrats are concerned that a prolonged battle for the nomination would endanger the party's ability to win the general election. "Particularly if the fight goes past November 4," said left-wing pundit Freddy Dreckler.

Civics Professor Norman Golan commented on the impasse. "Some say that only the Democrats could screw up the opportunity they have to take the Presidency this coming November," he said. "But not many people realize that it only takes two of them to do it."

Posted by Tom Burka at 5:58 PM in News