December 31, 2006
Mixup Causes James Brown To Be Sent To D.C. While Ford Is Sent To Apollo Theater

A funeral home mistakenly switched the caskets of James Brown and Gerald Ford, so that the former world leader was presented at the Apollo Theater while James Brown lay in state at the Capitol.

Confused fans of the godfather of soul gazed at the body of Gerald Ford and a musical celebration at the Apollo suffered a drastic change of program. "Sex Machine" and "I Feel Good" were replaced by "Jimmy Crack Corn" and "Camptown Races," two of the deceased President's favorite standbys.

"Gerald Ford forever revolutionized the way music is performed and played here in America," said Rev. Al Sharpton, "and we are the better for it." He also lauded Ford for his fantastic slogan, "Whip Inflation Now," leading the crowd in a chant of "WIN! WIN! WIN!"

Meanwhile, the cream of Washington society gathered at the Capitol and paraded by the Godfather of Soul, desperately trying to stay in rhythm. "This is hard," said Cokie Roberts, snapping her fingers frantically.

President Bush praised James Brown for healing the nation during one of America's greatest crises. "James Brown's middle-of-the-road policies saved this nation," said Bush, calling him "a good, decent, moderate spirit" who "did amazing things dancing with microphone stands."

Posted by Tom Burka at 10:49 AM in News

December 15, 2006
Frist Declares South Dakotan Senator Dead

In what some called a desperate gambit to retain Republican control of the Senate, Majority Leader Bill Frist announced today that he had examined a videotape and pronounced recovering Senator Tim Johnson dead.

"I will remain Majority Leader and the Republicans will continue to hold the Senate," he said in a press conference this morning.

Dr. Frist's diagnosis added another strange chapter onto the surprising developments in the Senate after Senator Johnson suffered an unusual stroke and recieved emergency surgery. Contrary to Sen. Frist's diagnosis, Sen. Johnson is doing well and his family and the rest of the nation wish nothing less than that he make a full and complete recovery.

Sen. Dr. Frist made the diagnosis after viewing videotapes, not of Senator Johnson in his current condition, but of speeches by former House Majority Leader Tom Delay.

A spokeman for Sen. Frist explained that his diagnosis was made in the great Republican tradition of seeing the world as one wants to see it, as opposed to how it actually is. "That's how you effect change in the world, from the force of sheer will," said the spokesman, who then ate a baloney sandwich that he claimed was filet mignon.

Had Frist been correct, the Republican Governor of South Dakota would have been able to appoint a Republican to take Johnson's spot, thus giving the Republicans control of the 50-50 Senate, given Dick Cheney's ability to cast the deciding vote in any tie.

As it is, Democrats were actually relieved by Frist's move. Craig Calendar, a plumber from Montana who gives quotes to newspapers in his spare time, said, "Given the Republicans' track record these past six years, if they say that Johnson is dead, that means that he is, without doubt, very much alive and doing very, very well."

We wish Senator Johnson a speedy recovery and a long and satisfying life.

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Posted by Tom Burka at 12:32 PM in News

December 13, 2006
Decider To Defer Decision on Decision Deferral

Iraq Plan Development Needs Further Development, Some Say

President Bush decided to defer a decision on when he will decide on a new approach to the Iraq war until "some time next year," although he has not decided exactly when his deciding will take place.

"This was a very hard decision for the President to make," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "I don't know if you appreciate the hard-nosed decisiveness a decision to defer requires."

Experts praised the President's decisiveness. Dr. Nathaniel Winthrop, an expert in foreign affairs who recently met with President Bush, pointed out that "the Iraq Study Group took many months and many people to issue their report, and here, well, the President is only one man and he has a lot more voices to listen to."

White House spokesmen refused to confirm that the President listens to a lot of voices, but a source who asked to remain anonymous stated that he was sure that the President heard a lot of them.

"It takes an iron will to resist the public pressure to make a snap decision about when to formulate a change in policy," said Dick Cheney, who had decided to let the President decide this one on his own.

"And when will you decide to tell us that you've decided?" reporters asked during a recent sighting of the President.

"I'll let you know," said the President with a wink.

Posted by Tom Burka at 3:30 PM in News