November 30, 2005
Iraqis Don't Torture Either, Says Bush

President Bush today praised Iraq, calling it a strong, prosperous nation well on the way to becoming a model for democracies everywhere.

Bush responded to Sunni claims that the Iraqi military was committing barbarities . "Iraqis don't torture, either," he said.

Bush admitted that there have been "some minor atrocities," but ascribed these incidents to "one or two bad apples" who, he went on to explain, "appear to have been very busy."

Bush pooh-poohed reports of kidnappings and slayings, saying that he was quite convinced that Iraqis treated captives "every bit as good as we do."

"After all," Bush continued, "we trained them."

With a tip of the hat to V.B.

Posted by Tom Burka at 10:28 AM in News

November 17, 2005
Chalabi Appointed Adjunct Professor of White House Ethics Course

Cheney Said To Have Had Influence In Pick

Ahmed Chalabi was appointed to teach the White House's newly required ethics course, where he will instruct high level White House officials on maintaining the appearance of ethical conduct. (Two other candidates for the position, G. Gordon Liddy and I. Lewis Libby were unavailable, citing scheduling conflicts.)

Chalabi will use the course to develop a curriculum that he will later teach at the Cheney School of Government, a new school affiliated with Heritage Foundation and built using money the current Vice President has siphoned from the public trough.

Among the topics expected to offered at the Cheney School will be Advanced Up-is-Down-ism, Mechanics of Legal Fund Management, Co-Opting Big Media, and Bilateral Elocution. Chalabi is planning to helm two courses: Treason for Dummies and Intermediate Treachery.

Donald Rumsfeld will be teaching a course called "Bullet Points: How to Boil Down the Most Complex Situation into a Simple, Misleading, and Inaccurate Litany," and Paul Wolfowitz will teach "The Joy of Empire Building".

Cheney said that President Bush will not be teaching a course at the new school, but has instead applied to be the first student. "His application is under review," said Cheney, "but I must say, he doesn't seem to have any real aptitude for it."

Posted by Tom Burka at 8:51 AM in NewsTop Stories

November 12, 2005
Huge Hand From Sky Whacks Pat Robertson In Head

Intelligent Designer Chastises Mortal

Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck.

- Reuters News
Shortly after televangelist Pat Robertson warned the residents of Dover, Pennsylvania that they would soon suffer the wrath of God, a giant hand descended from the heavens and smacked Roberston "upside the head repeatedly," witnesses said.

At the same time, a booming and authoritative voice "like the voice of God" filled the air. "Jesus Christ!" God said.

A spokesangel for God later asked humanity to forgive Mr. Robertson and reminded all that he is "just a work-in-progress."

"God is hoping that future generations of Robertsons will evolve a more refined sense of spirituality," said the spokesangel.

The incident occurred during a break in the taping of "The 700 Club," and is the first reported case of divine intervention before a studio audience.

Posted by Tom Burka at 3:41 PM in NewsTop Stories

November 8, 2005
Democrats To Wait And See If Alito Is Confirmed Before Deciding Whether To Oppose Nomination

Bold Strategem Formulated

Senate democrats today announced that they would adopt a "wait and see" approach to the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito. Senator Joe Biden told reporters that Democrats would not announce their views on the nominee until after Alito's hearing and subsequent up-or-down vote on the nomination. "We're taking a cautious approach," he said.

But Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid would not rule out fierce opposition to Alito's nomination. "We could very well decide to filibuster Alito's nomination at any time after he becomes a Supreme Court Justice," said Reid.

Sen. Hillary Clinton advised the leadership to consider "holding their fire" for a fight they could win, and her colleagues agreed that this could be a prudent course to take. "We may hold our fire for some other fight we can lose," said Chuck Schumer.

He said that Democrats could decide on a firm position by early next year.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:48 PM in News

November 1, 2005
Rove Points At Judge Alito, Allowing Libby To Jump Bail And Escape To Remote Island Nation He Owns

I. Lewis Libby managed to flee the country yesterday when Karl Rove pointed forcefully at Judge Samuel A. Alito, misdirecting the nation's attention and allowing Libby to escape. Libby is said to have flown to East Libbytonia, a small pacific island nation that he owns.

Yesterday morning, as Lewis Libby was leaving court after his arraignment on criminal charges, Rove pointed at Alito, saying, "Hey, look! A radical conservative who might well end up on the Supreme Court!" When the entire nation looked to the right, Libby ran to the far left, eventually rendezvousing with a boat that took him over the nation's western border.

Rove denied that he had aided and abetted Libby's escape. "I didn't help him anymore than I did in the CIA leak case," he said.

Libby was under indictment for lying to a grand jury under oath, among other charges, and faced up to 30 years in prison had he been convicted. (Libby was not charged with lying to the American people because that is not yet a crime.) He forfeited a million dollar bond he had posted pending resolution of his case. "It is," Libby said, "a small price to pay for freedom."

Professor Eric Stanhope Jones, an expert on freedom, concurred. "Libby got a lot more for his million dollars than America got for the 200 billion dollars it's spent so far on Iraq."

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:21 AM in News