"If President Bush were to run today against Democratic Candidate X, he would lose 48-44. That's either percentage points or numbers of Justices on a greatly expanded Supreme Court."
Rice, Powell: Nothing Wrong With Intelligence; It Was Decision-Making That Sucked
WASHINGTON, D.C., Sunday - Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell made the rounds on Sunday Morning television yesterday, stating firmly that there was nothing wrong with intelligence estimates of Saddam Hussein's possession of WMD. Rice commented on recent charges that the intelligence reports were "cooked" to back up political motivations. "This is absolutely untrue," said Rice, appearing on ABC's "This Week."
"The intelligent reports were not tailored or doctored in any way," she said. "It was the speeches and statements of the Administration that were politically motivated. It is revisionist history to say otherwise."
Powell defended the Administration's handling of the intelligence. "It would be silly to put political pressure on the CIA analysts. We don't have to. We're the only ones who get to see their reports. We can say those reports said whatever we want."
Powell was speaking to Tim Russert on "The Sunday Beginning-of-the-Week Propaganda Cycle" (also known as "Meet The Press"). "Everyone knows truth is the first casualty of war. Any misstatement by the Administration regarding the true nature of the threat posed by Hussein was just collateral damage." 12:54 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Unemployment Rate Skyrockets To 6.1%; Bush Team Calls It "Great Opportunity for Economic Growth"
Prefers To Call Unemployed "Democrats"
Faced with the longest sustained period without job growth since the period before World War II (that is, since the Great Depression), the White House noted that the enormous number of lost jobs shows that the economy is recovering. White House economists explained projections had been for even more massive job losses: "Frankly," said Secretary of Labor Elaine L. Chao, "We are encouraged by the pace of the lack of growth."
White House economists pointed to record purchases of flat screen TVs and Playstation 2's with maxed-out credit cards as a sign that the economy is doing well. (One umployed person explained: "There are no jobs out there. Might as well sit around and play Medal of Honor.")
While the White House was toying with a variety of phrases for the unemployed, such as "previously owned workers," and "pre-employed laborers," Karl Rove simply called them "Democrats."
"Typical democrats," said Rove,"losing their jobs and blaming it on the Republicans. Next thing you know they'll be whining that they can't afford adequate health care."
Vice-President Dick Cheney added, "I know there are some real people out there who might be in-between jobs, but this is just a phase. "
"After all," he continued, "Everyone I know is working." 4:55 PM
Friday, June 06, 2003
Bush Performs Faith Healings For Troops; Says "You Are Hee-yalled! Yay-ah!"
Bush Promises To "Ride Herd" Over Peace Meetings; Mideast Interpreters Mistakenly Fired
Some Arab Leaders Privately Tantalized By Suggestion
Israeli and Palestinian leaders could not understand one whit of President Bush's cowboy rhetoric at a recent photo opportunity cum meeting, so they fired most of their translators today, thinking that President Bush's garbled speech and strange Texan turns of phrase could only have been the result of poor translation. President Bush's most confusing statement was his recent declaration that he was going to "ride herd" over them until they came to an agreement. Virtually all of the translators involved in the meetings were fired, replaced, or suspended, or, in the case of some, summarily executed. Part of the problem lay in the fact that the Arabic translation of "ride herd" was, according to one source, "Morrocan and profane."
"He's going to what over us?" said Prime Minister Abbas. "Is that legal in his country?"
Sharon was no less startled by the remarks. "We in Israel ride many things," said Sharon, "but never that."
Some lower level Arab officials were secretly curious about the statement, saying they "were willing to try it," and that it sounded like they might "really, really like it." 12:57 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Constant U.S. Rain, Winds Result of Putin Weather Control Machine
Russian leader Putin has acquired a weather control device that he has apparently used to destroy Spring in America. The thaw in U.S./Russia relations has led to a corresponding wave of bad weather in America which had U.S. officials puzzled until Putin unveiled his device to ensure sunny weather during a parade in Moscow. Then all became clear.
"Ha, ha," exclaimed a gleeful Putin, speaking on the "red phone" to President Bush, "Now you will go directly from a cruel, snowfilled winter to an excruciatingly hot, humid summer without one perfect picnic day!"
Putin recently bragged to a delighted Gerhardt Schroeder at the G8 summit about making spring "werry unpleasant for Americans." He also took credit for the beautiful and sunny days enjoyed by world leaders at the summit. "With this weather device," laughed Putin, "I can control . . . the world!" 10:56 AM
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Martha Stewart's Real Crimes
Trying to make us care about doilies;
Using the phrase "pillowing" to mean "making a pillow;"
Being much, much too excited about wreaths;
Urging us to grow, pick, sautee, and create ten-foot tall decorative aspargus spear trees;
Possibly committing insider trading while not being the daughter of a Republican President of the United States;
Not making her fortune by using her father's political and business connections to buy a baseball team, finance building a new stadium by raising taxes on gullible Texans, and using the power of eminent domain to grab other people's land and homes that she could develop and sell for a fortune;
Not enlisting the aid of an evil genius to install her as governor of a state and engineer her occupation of the White House so that he can advance his own incredibly right-wing, fundamentalist, fanatical neoconservative agenda while putting money back into the pockets of his pals who would then send both of them buckets of cash to ensure that the agenda is never changed; and
The staff of Opinions You Should HaveOpinions You Will Have regrets any impression given by previous articles. While there may be a place for specious juvenilia and left-wing satire,the new management looks upon previous articles as "youthful indiscretions" of a maturing weblog and is willing -- even enthusiastic -- to put such adolescent and bitter parodies behind them. We at the weblog look forward to achieving a sensible maturity with more serious reporting and views more appropriate to the tenor of the media jewel "Opinions" has become.
While members of the Graphics and Research departments will stay on, Mr. Thomas Burka is seeking to ingratiate himself with the new ownership while occupying the temporary position of Coffee Boy, which is a little like a cabana boy but far more limiting. 12:02 AM
Monday, June 02, 2003
Tony Blair, President Bush, Find WMD, Forget Where They Put Them
Today, President Bush announced that he had found WMD in his left pants pocket during a dinner with Tony Blair but that they had misplaced them during dessert and a really fine cup of coffee. The WMD, which Bush swears was discovered somewhere in Iraq and relayed to him by somebody, were almost certainly there when dinner started, although Bush said, "They could be in my other suit."
Blair was unconcerned. "We're going to find more WMD, we're going find them soon, and we're going to keep on finding them." Blair went on to say that he had seen plenty of evidence of WMD and that "sooner or later, at some point, maybe not today, but hopefully by tomorrow -- or as late as mid-summer -- the people will hear about it, and they'll know what we knew and know now but won't tell them because we don't want to tell them now and we have our own truly fine, impeccable, unimpeachable reasons for hiding from them the evidence that we now known -- and have known all along.'
"Waldorf Transcripts" Show Straw, Powell, Had Excellent Appetites, Knew How To Pick Wine
The Waldorf Transcripts , transcripts of taped conversations between British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw and Gen. Colin Powell in New York's lush Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in February just hours before Powell's "big pitch" to the U.N., have surfaced, and some say they don't look too good in daylight. The transcripts have been anonymously leaked to the press by a member of the U.N. Security Counsel who was lied to about WMD in order to gain support -- in other words, Cameroon.
"We not very happy about this in Cameroon," said an unidentified Cameroonian named Jack deBont Ngongo, who drives a white porsche with the license plate JL45-E and lives on East 51st Street in New York. "Just read this," he said, handing over a portion of the transcripts:
[sound of loud crunching]
Straw: More salad?
Powell: No, no but you cant beat those apples and walnuts. Whoever thought of this was a genius.
Straw: Quite, quite. And this sherry is absolutely superb.
Powell: Damn fine.
Straw: Not like those intelligence reports.
Powell: [gunshot laugh] No. [to waiter] Can we get more of these , uh, little crackers?
Unidentified Waiter With Boom Microphone: Of course.
Powell: Nope, those reports don't have the crispness or the fine finish of this 1897 Chateau neuf de pape. Theyre [expletive deleted].
Straw: Quite right, old chap. [talking with mouth full] I wish we had something REAL to present to the U.N. (to waiter) I need a clean fork.
Powell: Im very troubled by it. Damn, this paté is outstanding.
Straw: Croissant?
Powell: Thanks.
Ngongo said, "Listen to that. We met with him just an hour before and we were famished. What did we get? Baloney."
The 