June 30, 2014
Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes
The world's most profitable companies banded together today to note that their religions look upon paying taxes as "an abomination in God's eyes." The announcement came just minutes after the Supreme Court ruled that private for-profit companies can opt out of laws requiring them to do that which they find religiously objectionable, because "corporations are people, too," according to Justice Alito.
The decision pertained to an arts and crafts company, Hobby Lobby, an absolutely ridiculous name, owned by a family who religiously objected to methods of contraception which they mistakenly decided cause abortions.
Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the "close doors" button just to prevent it from getting on.
Companies all over the world revealed that they had deeply religious affiliations holding that government regulation is "against God's will," and that God believed that the market will take care of everything. "That's why He created it," said Samsung, who was on its way to pick up a sandwich at a local deli.
Chase Manhattan Bank explained that God wanted it to do whatever it wanted to do without government interference, and that from now on, it would be charging a minimum of 30% interest on loans and delinquent credit card payments from now on. It also noted that it would indeed threaten to break anyone's legs who didn't "give the dough to Vinny when I send him around."
Felicity Daniels of Minnesota criticized the Supreme Court decision, because, among other things, corporations are always eating off her plate when they go out to dinner, or bragging about their kids in annoyingly loud cell phone calls when she's behind them in line at the supermarket.
"Now they'll just be insufferable," she sighed.
Posted by Tom Burka at 7:42 PM
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