August 02, 2004
Flip-Floppers Choose Kerry
Bush's Depiction of Kerry As Indecisive Appeals To Voters Having Difficulty Choosing Candidate
The relatively small group of undecided voters chose to vote for John Kerry today following a major campaign by George W. Bush to depict Kerry as a "flip-flopper" who has been unable to decide where to come down on an issue.
"Hey, that's just like me," said Felicity Unction, a formerly undecided voter from Frudge, Ohio. Before picking Kerry, Unction had spent her entire morning deciding which brand of baking soda to buy that afternoon. "There are so many of them," she said.
From the time Kerry became the Party's presumptive nominee last March, Bush has been working hard to depict Kerry as a flip-flopper who has taken both sides of every issue. Today, a Zogby poll found that the few undecided voters remaining in the race -- a historically smaller number than in previous election cycles, due to an extremely polarized electorate -- had chosen to vote for Kerry.
"The Bush campaign forgot that these undecided voters were people who just couldn't make up their minds, even when the choice was obvious," said Zogby. "They immediately warmed to Kerry."
On hearing the news, Karl Rove reportedly banged his head against a large densely packed object - Tom Ridge's head -- in frustration.
June 03, 2004
Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine"
President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.
"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."
Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.
"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.
Habeeb McKenzie, a postal worker from Iowa, said,"That umbrella don't work for shit! Who is he kidding? Can I offer you some mail?"
April 26, 2004
Bush Would Have Kept Medals If He Had Earned Any, Says Hughes
Karen Hughes, in a withering attack on John Kerry today, complained that it was awful for Kerry to throw away or keep his medals or ribbons from the Vietnam war.
Hughes admitted that she was confused as to whether Kerry had said that he kept his highly prestigious medals, but had actually thrown them away, or the reverse. "I don't care about the facts," she said.
"Whatever Kerry did or didn't do with the medals he earned for saving men's lives in dangerous combat, it's a disgrace," she said. "His so-called defense of this country makes me puke."
"If George W. Bush had earned a medal for anything that he did, you can bet he wouldn't have faked throwing out any award that he would possibly have earned," she said. "If they gave out medals for running out on National Guard duty, for disregarding a direct order, or for practically flunking the National Guard pilot's exam, you can bet the President would have taken a principled stand on them, if he had had any principles."
Hughes derided the bravery and valor that led Kerry to get the medal in the first place. "Anyone can get medals," she said. "It's keeping them or throwing them out that's the hard part."
"I don't know if you can get a medal for driving drunk," she said defiantly, "but if you could, the President would have a whole deskful."
April 18, 2004
Bush To Return Iraq For Credit Or Refund
Two months before the invasion of Iraq, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell warned President Bush about the potential negative consequences of a war, citing what Mr. Powell privately called the "you break it, you own it" rule of military action, according to a new book.President Bush today set into motion plans to return Iraq "for a full refund."
When Bush ordered military forces to invade Iraq, he reportedly told commanding Gen. Tommy Franks, "Make sure you get a receipt."
Today Bush announced that he wanted to exchange Iraq for "a country that welcomes invading Americans with open arms," and noted that he was "willing to take cash," but Iraqis said that they would probably only give him a credit towards the purchase of a fundamentalist Muslim theocracy.
Bush is also irritated because before he can return Iraq, he will have to wait in line for hours at the Iraqi Department of Customer Service.
Bush is prepared to make an impassioned plea. "The country was already broken when we got it," he will say. Bush will add that the "oilfields have never functioned properly" and complain about "an awful ding" in the "left side" of the country.
"We didn't do that," Dick Cheney is to claim.
March 31, 2004
In Nod To 9/11 Commission, American Courts To Start Recording Trial Testimony On Napkins
Will Also Permit Witnesses To Testify Jointly And Simultaneously
The U.S. Court system is adopting an entirely new set of rules for testimonial evidence today in recognition of the 9/11 Commission's novel and persuasively convenient methods of gathering evidence, a spokesman for all American courts said today.
The 9/11 Commission's apparent acceptance of President Bush's offer to testify jointly with Dick Cheney has "revolutionized the taking of testimony in courts everywhere," said legal expert Prof. Dozey Doats.
"Not requiring witnesses to testify under oath and not formally recording their statements totally streamlines the judicial process as we know it," said Prof. Doats. "Why didn't we think of this before?"
As soon as the new rules were announced, prospective witnesses all over America came forward to testify in secret with each other before courts not recording their testimony.
"Being able to testify with your friends is a lot more fun than testifying alone," said 8 year-old Jill Beets, an eyewitness from Montclair, Nebraska, who testified recently at a murder trial jointly with ten of her "bestest" friends.
"I can understand why President Bush wants to testify along with Vice-President Cheney," she said. "Testifying is scary and sometimes you just want someone big to hold your hand."
January 02, 2004
Regarding The Stewardship Of The American Empire
President Bush's chief of staff dismissed as "a moot point" any lingering question about whether Bush relied on faulty intelligence to justify the invasion of .To The Secretary Of The Press:
Please accept the following advice on which to base your intercourse with the gentlemen in the press gallery. It is my observation that the stories to which that brood assign great importance are, in fact, of little consequence to the course of this great Nation. This is especially true when you accept that everything we do is right. It will be mutually beneficial to the members of the press and this institution to convince the People that this is the case. I therefore forward to you my recommendations for addressing inquiries about these matters.
1. The War With Iraq
Moot. It is, of course, not of the least moment the substance of the communications between the American President and the People over whom he presides, in urging them to accept that most consequential of decisions -- the decision to go to war. When the President himself is confident that, whatever the reason, war is necessary, that is the end of the inquiry. This is especially true where, as here, the war has satisfactorily been concluded and some matter of substance has been gained, even if the initial momentum toward war be founded upon a flagrant misunderstanding of the situation.
Please continue to avoid any discussion of our efforts to diminish the accumulating costs of caring for and transporting our wounded and dead.
2. The Incident Concerning Madame Plame
Moot. I merely reiterate our longstanding position: Madame Plame's reputation for the transaction of surreptitious activities was the subject of many a Washington conversation and her identity altogether less than clandestine; she was not an Agent, but was merely an Analyst; and Robert Novak is not really a writer, in even the broadest definition afforded the title.
We are confident that none of the highest-ranking members of our institution can be connected to the scandal, and we may continue to deny involvement without fear of rapprochemént.
3. The Reduction of Tax Levies Upon The Affluent
Moot. The alleviation of governmental pressure upon the monied classes is beneficial to the economic health of the Nation, and will prove so once the money trickles onto the heads of the fortunate subjects remaining below.
The measure of stock market value is again inclining upward, the purses of the privileged are bulging, and the lending of money is at a most felicitous apex. No more need be said.
4. The Lack Of Gainful Employment For The Lower And Middle Classes
The constant harping upon the temporary loss of remuneration among those of the less fortunate classes is thankfully easing now. The recurrent lowering of the rate of the primary interest to virtually nothing has finally introduced into the national economy some life-giving warmth, not unlike the body of one forced to imbibe a draft of holiday cheer in order to chase away the pallor of neglect. In our circumstance, we have poured enough sherry into the body to wash it away, but it has finally brought some vigor to the near corpse that is the economy. We may thus claim victory and ensure the public that a return to full employment is near; we can only hope that we can maintain our present course until after the election.
More to the point, surely these people have something to do with their now-copious free time.
5.The Election Of The Austrian Strongman
We must maintain a relationship with Mr. Schwarzenegger of sufficient character that we may take credit for his successes and maintain distance from his failures. In this way we have some hope of carrying the state, however imbalanced it may be, in November.
6. The Possibility Of Gaps In Our Control Of Domestic Terrorism
With respect to the discovery of implements of cataclysmic impact at home, it is best that we not speak of this at all. It is my hope that our inattention to these matters does not receive unfavorable attention due to the occurrence of an untoward incident. As you know, it would be difficult to pursue those objectives we adjudge favorable to the course of the Nation were we to focus upon such. We must make sacrifices in order to ensure our occupation of the White House and secure our ability to work toward the Greater Good.
With Great Sincerity, I Remain
Yours, etc., etc.,
Chancellor Karl Rove
October 31, 2003
Historic GDP Hike Due to Use Of Ronco Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer, Says Ronco
It Juliennes Fries
The nation's GDP sailed upwards this quarter to a record 7.2 %, the largest growth rate since 1984, and all without adding jobs, and with still-existing workers working fewer hours.
"Fewers workers have been able to produce more with less," said Candy Hamstrung, Chief Economic Analyst of Milkem and Grow, a Wall Street sweatshop.
"That's because of the amazing Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer," said Ron Popeii, CEO of Ronco Corporation and subject of the book "Salesman of the Century". "It can slice potatoes so thin you see right through them, or you can twist the handy dial and it will shred cabbage for cole slaw."
Popeii pointed out that workers using the Dial-O-Matic are healthier, happier, and waste fewer hours at home "slaving away over a stove," helping them to be better rested and more productive at work.
October 26, 2003
Wolfowitz: Service in Baghdad Hotel "Much Better Than You'd Think"
Occasional Rockets, Explosions, Hardly Disturb Sleep In Hugely Comfy Bed
A recent attack on the al-Rashid Hotel in Baghdad where Deputy Defense Secretary Paul D. Wolfowitz was staying early Sunday morning, and which killed one American soldier and injured 15 people, has been portrayed "in an unnecesarily poor light by a biased media," according to Wolfowitz.
Wolfowitz said that "the occasional roar of an approaching shoulder-launched missile" or the concussive effects of a large exploding car bomb are like "the distant clap of thunder in a natural paradise" that hardly detract from his comfort at this five-star luxury hotel room fully equipped with gold-inlaid minibar, jacuzzi bath, mahogany desks with ivory trim, and fluffy towels fit for a king.
"We're making excellent progress in rebuilding Iraq," said Wolfowitz, "American naysayers and media harpys are missing just how wonderful things are here."
Wolfowitz's upbeat comments echoed the text of a Wolfowitz memo found tumbling in the breeze amid the debris, wreckage, shrapnel and blood surrounding the site of the attack.
Wolfowitz dismissed the searing bloom of heat from a burning truck struck by a rocket-propelled hand grenade, saying, "That's just the hotel staff firing up their world-class grill."
People ask how Wolfowitz sleeps through the tumultuous war that takes the lives of U.S. soldiers and innocent is almost every day.
"I sleep very well," he said, slipping under the 300-thread-count sheets on his plush, premium bed and resting his head on a trio of King-size down pillows.
October 15, 2003
Killing Moslems Makes Them Angry And Possibly Even Violent, Says Report
The British Institute Of Brilliance And Uncommon Foresight announced in its Annual Report today that killing, maiming, and dismembering members of Moslem families "irritates surviving family members to no end."
"It can make them violent, extremely so, even to the point of forming themselves into quasi-military or terrorist organizations and vowing to get even," explained Hugh Wensleydale, a Senior Prognosticator of BIABOBAUF.
"We discovered that invading their countries and depriving them of basic freedoms and control of their own future also pisses them off a great deal," he added.
These considerations were overlooked in planning the war and the larger war against terrorism "of which your self-installed leader speaks frequently," said Wensleydale, who claimed not to be British at all, but merely something resembling Welsh, he said.
Wensleydale said that the study by he and the other "Brilliantists" explains why Al Queda's ranks are now swelling as a consequence of America's war.
"But only really amazing geniuses, truly monumental intellects the like of which this world has not seen for millennia -- such as ourselves -- could have foreseen so inexplicable an outcome," said Wensleydale.
October 14, 2003
Congress To Pass Law Allowing Corporations To Hold Public Office; Coca-Cola To Run For President
Pepsi, Others Considering Run As Well
The Republican-controlled Congress, unable to think of any new tax breaks to give major corporations, is on its way to giving corporations the right to hold elective ofice.
"We could give them more tax breaks, sure," said Sen. Don Nickles. "But the fact is, most corporations pay nothing or next to nothing anyway. We want to give corporations some real incentive to stay in America."
Coca-Cola is set to file papers establishing an election committee as early as next Tuesday, and Pepsi is considering "throwing its bottle cap into the ring" sometime in November.
"There's gonna be a whole new meaning to the phrase `cola wars,'" said Brad Esterfelt, a advertising consultant for nGreen, a Madison Avenue Advertising firm. "But Coke is a natural for the presidency, everyone loves Coke, it has an excellent record in both domestic and foreign markets -- it's a uniter, not a divider."
Coke is so confident that it has has leaked a list of possible cabinet officers: Secretary of Defense: Boeing/McDonnell Douglas; Secretary of Agriculture: Exxon; Secretary of Health And Welfare: Phizer; and Arthur Anderson would be named head of the SEC.
September 12, 2003
Bush To Hunt Down "Servants of Evil"; Good Servants Hard To Find
President Bush today pledged to hunt down some servants of evil, because, he said, "it's so hard to get good help these days."
Bush, who has lots of servants but is master of none, is now looking for a butler of evil, a gardener of evil, a chauffer of evil, a cleaning lady of evil, a valet of evil, a cook of evil, and "maybe a plumber or an electrician of evil."
Bush also mentioned that a side benefit of coralling some servants of evil is that it would make things harder for the "masters of evil," who would then have to do everything for themselves.
"Then they'd be too tired and busy to do any actual evil," Bush suggested.
The first servant of evil that Bush has his sights on is Juana Magdalena Josefina del Fernando, who works for Evil Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il.
The 28-year-old illegal immigrant was surprised to hear that President Bush was after her.
"Man, I don't want to work for no Bush. I got three sisters working for him already."
August 20, 2003
Bush To Declare War On Iraq
Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."
"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."
Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.
He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.
"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."
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I have to thank Kos for sharing the article with his readers over at The Daily Kos, some of the finer members of blogtopia, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo (y! hctp!), Adam in MA of The Likely Story (all daily reads), and John Isbell and Mr. Sumo for their kind comments over there.
Check it out. The comments alone are worth it!
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July 15, 2003
Orwell's Estate To Sue Bush Administration For Copyright Infringement
Fear White House Adoption of "War is Peace" Slogan, Among Other Steps
The estate of George Orwell, the author of "1984," sued the Bush Administration today for copyright infringement. "They've totally co-opted virtually every idea in Mr. Orwell's book," said lawyer Nathanial Hawkins. "They can call it `purging cognitive dissonance' all they want, but we know it's just doublethink® dressed up in a fancy new wrapper."
Orwell's estate was most recently threatened by George Bush's statement that White House statements made the week before, admitting the wrongfulness of including a statement about Niger uranium in the State of the Union address, were wrong. "That's doublethink® if ever I saw it," said Hawkins. "What's next? Thought police?"
"Don't get me wrong," added Hawkins. "I love Big Brother."
"I'm just not that fond of George W. Bush."
June 16, 2003
Democrats Divided Over How To Sink Party
Debate Is Whether To Offer Lukewarm Disagreement Or Simply Mimick Republican Position
Democrats, members of the "opposition" party, are engaged today in a disagreement about how to ensure their parties failure in upcoming national elections. The crux of today's debate centers upon how to characterize blatant untruths told by George W. Bush about Iraqi weapons possession during the national "debate" on whether to invade Iraq. Should they be called "lies"? Or should Democrats say, as Senator Hillary Clinton urged, that "serious questions have been raised that need to be answered." Another position backed by Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman was that lying for political gain is perfectly acceptable, as long as it's for a good cause, or on a weekday.
A highly placed anonymous source in the Democratic Party (Terry McAuliffe, head of the DNC) said, in a panicky voice, "What if we say he was lying about WMD and then he finds some? What are we gonna do then? What are we gonna do?"
Only a few, like Sen. Bob Graham, who keeps diaries noting where he scratches himself each day, assert that Americans might be interested in knowing that President Bush induced them to back a war on the basis of completely fabricated notions he reported in State of the Union speeches as cold, hard facts.
While Democrats were wrestling over the issue of whether to point out that Bush told Americans that Saddam Hussein had purchased uranium to make nuclear bombs when it was well known that this never occurred, Bush raised another $50 million in campaign funds.
Or at least, that's what he says.
June 11, 2003
Claimed Iraqi Bioweapons Trailers Revealed To be Winnebagos
Leather Bucket Seats Were Key Clue
Independent analysts who were permitted to inspect several recovered trailers which the CIA had concluded were mobile biological weapons factories reported that the trailers were clearly Winnebagos. "I'm not sure which tipped me off first," said Dr. Alvin Irkman of the North Atlantic Biological Confederate. "It was either the spacious living room with custom-designed, sculptured carpet and imported Italian ceramic tile floorcovering or the exclusive Ulti-Bay chassis with multiple slideout floorplan and Storemore ® undercarriage slideout storage space. Maybe it was the deluxe bedroom with spacious cedar-lined closet, beautiful wood cabinetry, decorative wainscoting, real wooden headboard, 19" TV and standard rear stereo that I've come to expect from Winnebago."
CIA officials disputed the suggestion that the trailers were anything but mobile bioweapons labs, pointing out that the labs had fermenters for growing germs connected to pipes for siphoning off the "bioweapon slurry" for further processing elsewhere.
"That's a chemical toilet with waste disposal hookup for connection to trailer park facilities," said Irkman. "It's next to the exterior wash station with pump switch, paper towel holder, and soap dispenser."CIA drawing of trailer interior.CIA photograph of trailer exterior.
June 10, 2003
Revisionist Historians Angry At Rice; Vow To Omit Her From Future
Revisionist historians, angry at Condoleezza Rice for casting revisionism in a negative light, threatened to remove her from future history books if she did not retract the reference.
This past Sunday, Rice called accusations against the White House's manipulation of intelligence data "revisionist history," and derided those who were "rewriting history to suggest that the White House went to war because of Hussein's WMD."
Professor Demetri Gazpacho, the President of the Revisionist History Association of America (RHAA), pointed out, "Revisionists have simply revised views of history which misrepresent what actually occurred. We recently corrected, for example, an American History textbook which devoted a chapter to the U.S. victory in Vietnam." Ironically, that textbook was in use at one of Rice's old universities, the University of Notre Dame.
"By associating the word "revisionism" with falsehood, Rice is essentially recasting the meaning of revisionism," Gazpacho said.
Gazpacho and his associates were considering how best to deal with Rice's offensive statements. Gazpacho said that the association was debating rewriting Rice out of future history books or perhaps just saying she was part of the Clinton administration. Other options included depicting Rice as an FBI agent at Ruby Ridge or as an American working with the Taliban.
"This was not a smart move,' Gazpacho coldly intoned. "If you're part of history, we're the last people you want to mess with."
May 30, 2003
War Mistakenly Declared Over
Iraqi Opposition Apparently Uninformed of End of Hostilities
U.S. Commander Lt. Gen. David McKiernan today said he had realized that the Iraqi war was still going on. Vital clues included the continuing deaths of U.S. soldiers due to opposition sorties and a smack on the head from Staff Sergeant Minnie Dubloon.
It also dawned on those few U.S. generals and colonels that they would have to call back many of the troops the U.S. had just spent millions of dollars sending back home, placing them back in harm's way.
"We'll probably need some of them tanks and missiles and stuff, too," said Sgt. Omar "Tecumseh" Bradley of Maine. "It would be totally hard to fight this war without them thangs."
Some were quick to point fingers and other quick to point rifles, depending on how exposed their positions were. "I sure am glad that we have such great armed forces," said Private Irving Ukulele, who wished to remain unidentified for this article. "Because our leadership sure sucks."
May 29, 2003
Showtime To Air Original Horror Flick; Filmed in Karl Rove-a-Vision®
Two-Hour Campaign Commercial Most Frightening Film Ever
The Big Dance, a cross between Frankenstein and War of the Worlds, is about a powermad dictator who hijacks the U.S. government, hypnotizes the people and installs a dumb non-elected idiot in the White House who will do his bidding. Timothy Bottoms will play the willing puppet of a crazed Machiavellian schemer who capitalizes on the worst tragedy in American history to maintain power, and plunges the world into war for personal gain while forsaking all at home except for the few privileged rich he needs to keep him and his schemes alive.
"I've never seen anything so scary," boasted Tod Schmeckman, of Showtime Films. "This film will literally make your blood congeal." He went on to say the film was "kind of like Pinky and the Brain but much grimmer: Pinky is much more presentable, wears suits with expensive ties, and works out a lot, so he stays in shape and plays well to cameras. The Brain is far more frightening than his cartoon counterpart -- he doesn't have the fantastic voice of Orson Wells, and he's diabolically smarter. Even spookier, he stays completely behind the scenes, a terrifying unseen presence, like the ghosts in The Haunting, but much, much more -- did I say terrifying?"
The film also utilizes Karl Rove-a-vision® , an immersive interactive technique where viewers are placed under electronically controlled Scottish sweaters and chains, so that at critical points in the story, their chains are yanked and the wool is pulled over their eyes.
Screenwriter Lionel Chetwynd, writer of the award-winning drama movie The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, said, "I always wanted to do horror. It wasn't until the Bush Administration that the right material came along to do it with."
Thanks to Eric Tam of Antidotal for his tip about the film.
May 23, 2003
"Leadership Luncheon" With Karl Rove To Include Braised Flank of
Laidoff Auto Worker And More
Millionaires Call Dishes "Absolutely Divine"
Karl Rove is kicking President Bush's fundraising activities into high gear, featuring a raft of spectacular events that monied corporate interests and wealthy financiers just can't miss. Coming up soon is a $5000 a plate meal featuring the finest cuisine Republicans have to offer.
First CourseCarpaccio of Disenfranchised Minorityserved with a variety of corporate capers, picked fresh from the exploits of Enron, Global Crossing, Halliburton, and drizzled with Harken Energy oil
Second CourseGlazed-over Gaze of Average Americanserved under a reduction of diversified and unbiased media
Third CourseFilet of Middle Class Taxpayerlightly seared, gently cajoled, cradled in a bed of insincere promises and propelled by a subtle distillation of fear
DessertPoor Man's Soufflesoaked by the essence of Privileges of the Very Rich
May 10, 2003
Mideast Road Map Hard To Read, Impossible to Fold
Yesterday, a bitter dispute broke out between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas over whether to take an immediate left turn, or stop at the next service plaza and ask directions on the way to peace. At last report, the pair had pulled over to the side of the road to once again examine the road map.
Sharon insists on taking the Interstate at least as far as the West bank, but Abbas want to take backroads to avoid traffic. "The Interstate gets completely backed up this time of year," said Abbas. shaking his head in frustration. "It's crazy," he told Sharon. "We'll just be sitting there, inching ahead, barely moving -- we'll get stuck there a million miles from an offramp, I know it."
"Many of these roads are not even on the map, as far as I can see," Sharon replied. "We're just going to get lost."
Among other disagreements the parties have encountered are who gets to drive, who gets to ride shotgun, and whether to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Thankful" CD (Sharon) or Duran Duran (Abbas) during the trip.
Finally, Secretary of State Colin Powell's backseat driving has become, according to the Prime Ministers, "intolerable." "I don't think he has a clue about how to get where we're going, but he won't shut up," said Abbas.
Sharon was more direct: "Don't make me reach back there."
May 02, 2003
Cheney Suggests Bush Make Absurdly Dangerous Landing On Aircraft Carrier
In three Presidential firsts, George W. Bush was visibly excited after arriving on board the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln on a S-3 Viking jet wearing a flight suit over the largest codpiece worn by any President in U.S. history. A jet landing on an aircraft carrier is considered to be the most dangerous maneuver a pilot can perform. The pilot flying the jet was told that if he failed to make a successful landing, he would be punished severely, but because an unsuccessful landing constitutes crashing and blowing up, the pilot was simply told that his remains would not be scraped off the back of the carrier if he screwed up.
President Bush decided to arrive by jet at the suggestion of Dick Cheney, who said, "You'll be o.k. as long as you keep your privates covered." Cheney has also suggested that, for future press conferences, national addresses and pubic appearances, the President should:
- jump a motorcycle over ten schoolbuses through a flaming hoop onto a podium;
- strap himself to a stealth fighter which releases him just in time for him to hang glide down into a narrow canyon to land on a dime taped to the floor behind a microphone located in the safe zone of a platform otherwise covered with ten foot tall razor-sharp spikes;
- walk across a tightrope strung between the United Nations and the Empire State Building during a windstorm while carrying two heavy briefcases and balancing a copy of the White House budget on his head; and
- take the place of the football during the opening kick of the next Superbowl game.
Upon the President's return to the White House that evening, Cheney greeted him at the door to the Oval office with a cool drink and a snack.
"Pretzel?" he offered.
April 30, 2003
Iraqis Protest Shooting of Iraqis by U.S. Soldiers; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them
FALLUJAH, -- In a second incident in as many days, U.S. troops fired on Iraqi protesters protesting the shooting and killing of Iraqi protesters by U.S. troops the day before. Two protesters were killed.
Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld addressed is from one of the Presidential palaces in Baghdad. "Iraq belongs to you," he said. "It's only the bullets that belong to us."
Tomorrow, President Bush will stand on the deck of a really big aircraft carrier and announce that the war is over. "We've licked this whole thing," he said today.
He was later heard to mutter, "If only we could get those Iraqis to stop shooting at us."
April 22, 2003
Angry Rumsfeld Crushes Reporter's Left Testicle
In a stunning display of his supremacy over the media, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld crushed the left testicle of a reporter as his sole response to what he later said was "an annoying, time-wasting, meaningless question."
The reporter, Daniel Kingsly of The Sacramento Sludge, later said, in tones several octaves higher than usual, that "these are the risks you take as a pool reporter when you ask a question that maybe you shouldn't have. Secretary Rumsfeld was fully justified in ripping my testicle off and I am just hoping that he will give me the opportunity to come back and thank him for my very just, very deserved punishment."
That morning's press conference started normally. The Secretary took some simple questions regarding the number of troops stationed in and whether Rumsfeld was pleased that the POWs had returned home vefore he called upon Kingsly. Kingsly asked, "My question is twofold: First, are we really rebuilding or are we just saying that, and, second: if we dictate to the is the nature of their democratic government, that's not truly democratic, is it?" There was a pause before Secretary Rumsfeld suddenly reached into the press pool, ripped Kingsly's testicle from his body, crushed it, and held it up for the rest of the press pool to see.
"Ok?" said Rumsfeld. "Any more smart-alecky questions?" He later told the press pool, "Don't think I can't get to an ovary if I have to."
After Kingsly had been medically evactuated, the press conference resumed. The first question was "How does it feel to have managed such a perfect execution of Hussein's demise?"
April 07, 2003
U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons
Baghdad, April 6 - U.S. Marines securing an atomic energy facility discovered a hidden room containing seven "backup" sons of Saddam Hussein who were prepared to take over the throne if Hussein's known sons, Uday and Qusay, were killled or otherwise unable to exercise power. Documents revealed that in addition to Qusay and Uday, Saddam's seven other sons are named Buday, Ruday, Huday, Cruday, Mamuday, Yahuday, and Sunday. When the Marines found them, the "secret sons" were playing a spirited game of poker, with the exception of Sunday, who was resting.
Rumors that three additional sons, Juday, Daduday, and Puday, exist in another location, are unconfirmed.