September 19, 2004
Experts Say Latest Gallup Poll Written On 1972 IBM Selectric Typewriter
Forged But True or Genuine And False?
The latest Gallup poll, indicating double digit leads for Bush in the race for President, appears to have been typed on the same IBM selectric typewriter on which the Killian memos were alleged to have been created.
"These latest polls, unlike the Killian memos, appear to be authentic, but written more than thirty years ago," said scientist Larry Frijole, "The mystery is how someone managed to accurately predict today's national polling trends all the way back in 1972."
Historian Jill Swill said, "It is indeed puzzling. How could anyone, living in 1972 -- when the nation was embroiled in a terrible quagmire of a war involving ever-escalating casualties, and the President himself was trying to unfairly manipulate a national election -- ever imagine the circumstances we find ourselves in today?"
September 16, 2004
Florida Residents Join Together To Move State Away From Ivan
Several Muscles Pulled
Two days ago, thousands upon thousands of Florida residents waded into the waters just off their West coast, grabbed hold of the coastline, and pushed as hard as they could, succesfully moving Florida hundreds of miles to the right and moving it largely out of Hurricane Ivan's path.
Governor Jeb Bush claimed responsiblity for the effort. "Our state can't handle any more devastation," he said. "Plus, I'll do anything I can to move Florida to the right."
Yesterday, in an effort to push Florida further to the right, Florida Secretary of State Glenda Hood -- also known as "Kathryn Harris: The Sequel" and "Robbin' Hood" -- added Ralph Nader to campaign ballots despite a state judge's ruling that Nader could not be on them.
A federal judge declined to overrule the state court, saying that there was plenty of time for that after the election.
September 14, 2004
Spam Not Responsible For Election of Viagra, Missouri Officials Say
A plan to make the presidential battleground of Missouri the first state to allow military voters serving in combat zones such as Iraq to cast their absentee ballots via e-mail is renewing concerns about the security of online voting.JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri, Nov. 3 -- Missouri officials deny that spam or other email voting improprieties played any part in Missouri's election of Viagra and Cialis as President and Vice President in yesterday's national election.
"Our email was perfectly secure," said Mary Jo Splunkett, a Missouri elections official. "There is every indication that these fine pharmaceutical products enjoy tremendous support among Missouri residents serving overseas."
A final tally of presidential balloting in Missouri showed that Online-poker.hold'um.com ran a close second, followed by cheapdrugz.org.
The number of emails received from overseas soldiers vastly outnumbered the number of ballots cast by other Missouri residents. Of the 3.4 million votes cast, over 2.7 million were supposedly cast by Missourians stationed in combat zones or special duty stations overseas, even though Missourians are thought to have no more than 100,000 residents serving in such positions.
"I think it goes to show that when you make voting convenient, more people participate," said Pierre Glup, an expert on voting trends, "Even if it's more than are actually out there."
"I admit I don't know much about Viagra's platform or its positions on domestic or foreign policy," said Jordy Blutt, a St. Louis resident. "But I can't imagine it'd be much worse than any of the other guys."
September 09, 2004
Kerry Win Will Give Nation Painful, Itching Hemorrhoids, Says Cheney
Nation Could Get Hickies, Cooties, Too
In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things."
"You would all regret it,' said Cheney. "This country would have a hard time sitting down."
Cheney also warned of boils, plagues, frogs, hail, and terrifically unwatchable reality shows. "If you thought that 'Amish In The City' thing was bad, be very afraid ," he advised. "Safeguard your children."
Earlier this week, Cheney had said that if Americans chose Kerry, the nation would suffer a devestating terrorist attack, but Ann Womack, a spokeswoman for Mr. Cheney, backed away from that statement, saying that Cheney was merely trying to highlight policy differences between the candidates. "He's serious about the hemorrhoids, though," she said.
Cheney also said that, as a hedge against the Kerry's election, he has cornered the market on comfortable seat cushions.
Update: Sanity Defense has another take on Cheney's warning.
September 07, 2004
Kerry To Try Clinton's Respirator
Also Willing To Go On "The Swan"
Today, shortly after Bill Clinton, fresh from surgery, started breathing on his own, John Kerry willingly went on Clinton's discarded respirator in hopes of "resuscitating his campaign."
Doctors agreed, saying that Kerry's breathing was shallow, his pulse was weak, his skin was pale and clammy, and his campaign didn't look so hot either.
"With adequate therapy, we have some hope that we can get the candidate breathing on his own and passionately gesticulating in the near future," said Dr. Lila Phippsman, an attending surgeon specializing in revivification.
Kerry is being treated in a special hospital ward located in a high tower topped by many ominous-looking lightening rods and filled with many dramatically whirring, sparking instruments. "I don't know if we can do anything for him," said assistant Igor Stravinsky. "But the lab certainly looks good."
Doctors were considering, among other operations, performing an ocular enhancement, a laryngeal dichoto-otomy, and some botox. "When he leaves here," said Phippsman, "He'll have a strong, understandable vision, he'll be able to speak directly and clearly, and, perhaps most importantly, his forehead will be virtually wrinkle-free."
September 04, 2004
Delay, Santorum To Stage Counter-Convention
Will Represent The Republican Wing of The Republican Party
Congressmen Tom Delay, Rick Santorum, and Trent Lott announced plans to stage a GOP "counter-convention" next week, designed to counter what they called "the tepid mix of weak, watered-down conservatism" that this week's GOP convention has been about.
While this week's convention highlighted compassionate conservatism, human rights, racial integration, national security, and opportunity, "We're looking for a platform based upon imperialism, bigotry, greed, and a relentless need for ever-increasing amounts of monumental power over other living beings," said Delay.
Monday night's theme will be "Power For Power's Sake"; Tuesday, "Keeping The Poor In Their Place"; Wednesday, "Dominating The World For Fun And Profit"; and Thursday will end with "We Can Do Whatever We Want As Long As We Lie About It."
September 02, 2004
Cheney Rallies Delegates With Unique Campaign Slogan
Last night, Vice President Cheney whipped delegates of the RNC into a frenzy as he repeated the slogan that he first introduced on the floor of the Senate in June.
"When John Kerry says he will never mislead us into war," said Cheney, speaking from the podium, ". . . we say: 'Go Fuck Yourself!'"
And when Kerry says he'll roll back our tax cuts, we say: "Go Fuck Yourself!"
And when we're accused of not having a plan for peace in Iraq, we say: "Go Fuck Yourself"!
With every repetition, the crowd's enthusiam and energy level increased, as the delegates responded back to Cheney and Madison Square Garden resonated in one voice.
Cheney's address was well received by the delegates, many of whom interrrupted him with more than a dozen mid-finger ovations.
"I'm glad that the GOP, the party of Morals and Family Values, has finally got the nerve to tell the democrats to fuck off", said Diane Winters, a delegate from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
A few delegates, however, expressed concern. "I guess that it's a good slogan," said Dick Smith, a delegate from El Paso, Texas, "But isn't doing that illegal now?"
Written by the mysterious Bill Lyon. With hearty thanks and expeletives to him from all of us.
September 01, 2004
Second Night Roundup
Correspondent Tom Burka reports from the field.
"Last night Arnold Schwarzenegger addressed delegates from the podium, but was not permitted to wander across the packed female-laden convention floor, for obvious reasons. He spoke to the crowd about compassionate conservatism, after which he led delegates in tonight's two-minute hate, which climaxed when Schwarzenegger used a shoulder-launched missile to blow away John Kerry in effigy.
Later, in a moment some say was calculated to make Arnold look smart, the Bush daughters spoke.
This is Tom Burka, reporting virtually live from the Republican National Convention."
August 30, 2004
Bush Only Choice to Lose War On Terror, Says Giuliani
Today, some hours after President Bush assured Americans that he would lose the war on terror, Rudy Giuliani, addressing the delegates at the Republican National Convention, told Americans that George W. Bush was the only candidate who could really, really lose it.
"Senator Kerry does not have the fortitude to lose the war on terror that President George W. Bush does," said Giuliani. "Only President Bush has the courage to pursue the determined, difficult course to utter failure."
He said that Bush was "rock solid, and not just from the neck up." He pointed out that Bush had not "strayed the course" despite being held up to ridicule. "So what," said Giuliani. "Churchill was ridiculed, Reagan was ridiculed, and stupid and silly people who were dumb and funny looking were ridiculed."
Giuliani closed by talking about President Bush's unique capabilities. "Few people could exploit the tragedy of 9/11 as well as our President," said Giuliani. "And I should know."
The View From The RNC - A Report
Our man in the field, Tom Burka, reporting virtually live from the Republican National Convention, has managed to phone in his very first report.
Update: Some readers wanted me to post the text of the audio: "From where I stand here just outside the Republican National Convention, Madison Square Garden is startlingly different from any other object in sight. It is an enormous pyramidal structure of glittering white concrete, soaring up, terrace after terrace, 300 metres into the air. From where I stand now it is just possible to read, picked out on its white face in elegant lettering, the three slogans of the Republican Party: 'WAR IS PEACE,' 'FREEDOM IS SLAVERY,' and 'IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.'"
August 24, 2004
Bush to Appoint Olympic Judges To Oversee U.S. Election
Wants To Make Sure An American Wins, Among Other Things
President Bush tonight, acknowledging what he called the "overwhelming importance" of ensuring that the upcoming Presidential election is fair and accurate, and that "every person's vote is counted properly," has designated a panel of Olympic judges to oversee matters in the U.S.
"I can't think of a better group of people to do it," said Bush.
Administration officials stated that the President was concerned, among other things, that "some fantastic Russian" or "well-developed South Korean" might outperform American candidates and somehow steal the election. "We want to make sure that, at the very least, no foreign nationals can steal it," said Scott McCllellan.
"No one is more concerned than I am that the operation of democracy be impeded in any way," said Bush. "That's why I have created this blue ribbon panel. Let freedom reign."
In other news, President Bush was rounding the last lap of a record 365 vacation days in office, and is expected to earn himself a page in either the Guinness Book of Records or Ripley's "Believe It Or Not" just before he accepts his party's nomination sometime next week.
August 19, 2004
Thurlow Denies Vietnam War Ever Took Place
Also Claims Swift Boats Actually Quite Slow
Challenged by Navy records showing that Larry Thurlow, a Swift boat veteran, was at best mistaken and at worst a colossal liar when he swore that John Kerry had been deliberately dishonest about his Vietnam war record, Thurlow has now taken the position that the entire Vietnam war was "a sham."
"It never happened," said Thurlow. "The so-called 'war' was nothing more than an immense government con game."
Thurlow claimed that he and the other Swift boat veterans spent the so-called war years "sunning themselves on beaches in the Mediterranean," and that not only did John Kerry take part in that, he was "the tannest of them all."
"By the end of the war," said Thurlow. "Kerry was a complete bronze. That's why he got the star."
Asked how it could be possible that the government could have tricked the American people into believing the country had been involved in a war that had never occurred, Turlow said, "It's easy. Say something loudly and frequently enough and people will believe anything."
"Let me tell you," he added. "I know exactly how it's done."
August 18, 2004
Anarchists Say Bloomberg Discount Button Crucial Chink In City's Armor
In a transparently mercantile bid to keep protesters from disrupting the Republican National Convention later this month, the Bloomberg administration will offer "peaceful political activists" discounts at select hotels, museums, stores and restaurants around town . . . [Mayor] Bloomberg conceded yesterday that not everyone who wore a button would be strictly vetted for his or her peacefulness. "Unfortunately, we can't stop an anarchist from getting a button," he said . . .Anarchists are planning to destroy the financial infrastucture of New York City during the Republican National Convention, "discounting the city to death" through the use of buttons designed to encourage peacefulness in visiting protestors.
"We will bring this city to its knees!" said "Mad" Alvin O'Zool, self-described anarchist and atheist. "These buttons are just the opportunity we've been waiting for."
The buttons will confer discounts at Applebee's and Mamie's Spoonbread restaurants, among other wildly desirable New York eateries.
"The delegates will be getting discounts, the protestors will be getting discounts -- when we anarchists use these pins to get massive discounts we will bring the city to the very brink of financial ruin!" O'Zool cried.
Mayor Bloomberg waxed philosphical on the question of whether violent protestors and radicals other than the anarchists will be cutting a wide swath of incendiary chaos and then wrongly using the pins to obtain satisfying, hot discounted meals.
"As long as they don't try to peacefully protest in Central Park," he said. "Anything but that."
August 12, 2004
Mayor Bloomberg Resigns, Admitting He Is A Metrosexual
Today, just after James McGreevey resigned his post as Governor of New Jersey while revealing himself to be a homosexual, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced his resignation on the grounds that he had had "multiple metrosexual assignations."
"It started off slowly, a manicure every so often," said an aide. "A facial here and there, some artificial tanning, and before you knew it he was into heavy duty skin moisturizers, hair care products -- the works. Sooner or later it was bound to get out."
"I am a fey American," said Mayor Bloomberg in an emotional and stunning speech to the city.
Critics claimed the Mayor resigned more out of jealousy of Governor McGreevey than out of civic duty. "Whatever they can do in New Jersey, we can do a thousand times better in New York," said an unamed former New York City official, the dead Fiorello LaGuardia. "Bloomberg wasn't going to let McGreevey grab the spotlight for more than a second."
Democrats bemoaned the timing of the resignations, saying that McGreevey, a Democrat, could have at least waited until the last day of the Republican National Convention to make his announcement.
Thanks to Christopher Rabb of Afro-Netizen for the headline and idea. Everyone should immediately go check out his blog.
August 11, 2004
Doctors To Attempt Risky Surgical Separation Of Politicians
Doctors were flown to Pensacola, Florida yesterday to consider surgical separation of George W. Bush and Senator John McCain after a campaign-related incident in which the two politicians accidentally shared the same brain.
"This is very risky," said Dr. Chaim Kneecapowitz of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. "We've never successfully separated two politicians, particularly two conservatives."
"I can't say that John McCain will ever be the same again," said Kneecapwotz. "We might be able to give him some of his former functionality, but I'm not sure he'll ever be able to work with a Democrat again."
"We can save him," Dr. Cheryl Misk-Hugh agreed. "But he won't be talking about campaign finance reform aqain."
Karl Rove has insisted that the first priority in the surgery will be to restore George W. Bush to his former self.
"Not the young boozer and drug taker," he said. "But we're looking to save the former self who was in thrall to corporate interests and the religious right."
August 05, 2004
Illinois Alert Raised Due To Imminent Keyes Candidacy
The State of Illinois has raised a general "alert" to signal what it is calling the "imminent candidacy" of Alan Keyes for U.S. Senator.
"We just wanted people to be on their guard," said Pierre Dupont XXXV, a minor functionary in the Illinois Department of Vagueness.
Alan Keyes has apparently agreed to enter the Senate race against Barack Obama in Illinois. "It's a genuine matter of concern for most people," said Dupont. "I certainly would want to know before I went about my daily business."
Some have already blamed Keye's candidacy for causing a large drop in job growth reported this morning, while others are concerned that Keyes's forceful but insane oratory will cause crop damage, tornados, and coastal flooding.
August 03, 2004
Citicorp Employees Pissed; Could Have Stayed Home Past Four Years
Citicorp employees collectively railed against the fact that the Bush Administration yesterday announced an "orange alert" for a threat to their building which, it turns out, was based upon documents that were three or four years old. Employees were angry because, they said, they should have been given the four years off while higher-ups "worked to counter the threat."
"Do you know what I could have done with that time?' said Sally Ackerman, who works in Accounts Receivable.
"Dude," said Larry Hammerman, a 28-year-old filing clerk, "I coulda probably finished, like, playing the entire PlayStation 2 catalogue."
Citicorp has a little known policy that employees may take "emergency leave" during a bomb threat. "And the way I see it is, this is like a bomb threat that has been goin' on for like four damn years," said Hammerman.
High-ranking Citicorp officials scrambled to clarify the policy. "The policy was designed to permit employees to go home for an afternoon in the event of a bomb scare or other threat requiring that the building be evacuated," Juan Upsmanship, a Senior Vice-President, "We do not feel the current situation warrants evacuation."
August 02, 2004
Flip-Floppers Choose Kerry
Bush's Depiction of Kerry As Indecisive Appeals To Voters Having Difficulty Choosing Candidate
The relatively small group of undecided voters chose to vote for John Kerry today following a major campaign by George W. Bush to depict Kerry as a "flip-flopper" who has been unable to decide where to come down on an issue.
"Hey, that's just like me," said Felicity Unction, a formerly undecided voter from Frudge, Ohio. Before picking Kerry, Unction had spent her entire morning deciding which brand of baking soda to buy that afternoon. "There are so many of them," she said.
From the time Kerry became the Party's presumptive nominee last March, Bush has been working hard to depict Kerry as a flip-flopper who has taken both sides of every issue. Today, a Zogby poll found that the few undecided voters remaining in the race -- a historically smaller number than in previous election cycles, due to an extremely polarized electorate -- had chosen to vote for Kerry.
"The Bush campaign forgot that these undecided voters were people who just couldn't make up their minds, even when the choice was obvious," said Zogby. "They immediately warmed to Kerry."
On hearing the news, Karl Rove reportedly banged his head against a large densely packed object - Tom Ridge's head -- in frustration.
July 30, 2004
Zell Miller Demands Speaking Role At Dem Convention
Eager To Not Bash Bush, Say Colleagues
Republican Democratic Senator Zell Miller -- who has been given a speaking role at the Republican National Convention -- demanded a speaking role at the Democratic Convention.
"I wanted to put in a good word for the achievements of Democrats willing to work closely with Republicans to accomplish real good for Democrats working with Republicans," Miller said.
The winning entry was by Andante of Collective Sigh.
Read More »
There were many, many fine entries, all of which made me laugh out loud. I'd like to pick some runner ups but I'm just way too tired -- it's 3:00 a.m. and I have a 9:15 a.m. train to catch out of here.
But they'll be coming! Thanks to all who participated, whether you wrote a headline or just laughed at one. It is you who make this a community worth blogging for.
Update: I'm working on the runners-up, and I'll also be posting the swag that Andante will get for her win. . . .
« Close It
July 29, 2004
Kerry Accidentally Accepts Nomination During Morning Rehearsal
TV Stations To Show Reruns Of "Lassie" Tonight
During a rehearsal at the Fleet Center this morning, Senator John Kerry, who was practicing his speech at the central podium, accidentally accepted the Democratic Party's nomination, approximately ten hours early.
"I gratefully accept the nomination of the Democratic Party," he said, and a confused Kucinich delegate on the floor immediately moved to accept the nomination, which was seconded and passed by American Samoa.
Although Kerry immediately realized his mistake and tried to "take back" his acceptance, a member of the Rules Committee informed him that there were "absolutely no take-backsies."
Because Convention rules specify that no nominee may accept a nomination twice, Kerry cannot accept the nomination this evening, and television networks are planning on showing reruns of "Friends," "Seinfeld," and "Lassie."
July 28, 2004
Hope Delayed At Security Kiosk Outside Fleet Center
Security has been so tight at the Fleet Center that even delegates have sometimes had difficulty getting inside.
Hope Campobello, a New Jersey delegate, was on her way back into the Democratic National Convention when she was detained by security personnel because she refused to surrender a liquid. It is prohibited to bring liquids into the convention. As a result, Ms. Campobello missed John Edwards' acceptance speech.
"Hope was on the way," her husband Gino Campobello said. "But she was too damn thirsty to give up her Diet Coke."
Ms. Campobello had managed to get the Diet Coke through the metal detectors, over the barbed wire, and past the Royal Canadian Mounties when a bunch of police dogs, carefully trained to detect soft drinks, sounded the alert.
Hope refused to give up her Diet Coke because Diet Cokes, which are somehow sold by Verizon inside the Fleet Center, cost thirteen dollars a can.
John Edwards, always a champion of the tired and thirsty, refused to give up. "Hope is on the way," he said.
"I don't know. I think Hope got lost or something," said her husband, an hour or so later. "Maybe she just gave up and went home."
Immediately After Obama Speech, Kerry Develops Laryngitis
Opinions You Should Have has learned that John Kerry will be unable to deliver his acceptance speech on Thursday night as planned.
Just moments after Barack Obama delivered what some, even Republicans, are calling "one of the best convention speeches of the past twenty-five years," Kerry developed "a bad case of laryngitis."
"He really can't speak," said a spokesman.
When Kerry accepts the nomination, the DNC is considering rebroadcasting Clinton's Monday night speech, which many called "masterful," Obama's speech, or simply allowing Obama to deliver the acceptance speech for John Kerry.
Earlier yesterday, John Kerry gave a speech to the United Association Of Caffeine Processors, none of whom fell asleep.
July 27, 2004
Hellmann's Mayonnaise To Back Kerry
Candidate To Go For "Whole Condiment" Sweep
The prestigious Hellman's Mayonnaise family endorsed John Kerry today, in what spokesmen hoped presaged "an entire group of condiment endorsements," known in the political sphere as "the whole jar of pickles."
Kerry, who corralled Heinz Ketchup with a simple marriage ceremony, is hoping to sew up the Krafts sometime in the coming week. Kerry is also trying to branch out: next Tuesday he is to meet with influential and powerful Chef Boyardi.
It is reported that Grey Poupon is on the fence, however. "We are attracted to the Republicans because they are rich, arrogant, and incredibly stuffy," said Lord Poupon earlier today.
"On the other hand, we are liking the Kerry very much," he added, "because we are French."
July 26, 2004
Guam Delegates Threatening To Capture Plum Massachussetts' Floor Spot
Feisty "Red-Shirted Warriors" Ready To Rumble
Courageous and strong-hearted delegates from Guam, the U.S. territory that has fielded the smallest number of delegates on the floor, 12, surged forward in what appeared to be a carefully coordinated thrust into Vermont, Connecticut, and Maryland, making a stab at capturing the coveted seating held by Massachussets directly in front of the stage.
Guam's delegation had been relegated to the "cheap seats," a tiny parallegram situated just to the north of the Virgin Islands' 13 delegates and far to the side of the floor. Just about seven minutes ago, during the speech of Gloria Fledt of Planned Parenthood, the Guam delegates screamed, "Massachussetts or bust!" and surged forward, pushing delegates in their way into Minnesota and North Carolina.
The Virgin Islands watched calmly throughout the ordeal, sipping pina coladas and fanning themselves lazily as they watched the chaos. "Guam needs to learn to relax, mahn," said a strangely Jamaican sounding member of the delegation.
Guam's rebellion was finally quelled when they began to listen to the droning, almost hypnotic voice of Phil Angelides , Treasurer of California, and they passed out, which Guam delegate Feroll Magnesia later claimed "had nothing whatsoever to do with our swimming in the Charles' river yesterday."
July 24, 2004
First Words From The Convention Floor
Eric Rice of Audioblog.com made what I'm sure he'll come to see as the epic mistake of offering audioblog accounts to ten of the convention bloggers. Thanks to him, we're going inside the Convention to make history with the first words broadcast by a blogger from the convention floor.
July 21, 2004
Lay Unaware He Was CEO Of Enron, Say Lawyers
Thought He Was Retired From Small But Lucrative Dentistry Practice, They Claim
Lawyers for Kenneth Lay today claimed that Lay not only knew nothing of the corrupt and illegal practices of Enron, but was shocked to learn that he had been CEO of the company.
"So that's where all those large checks were coming from," Lay is reported to have said.
While Lay had initially advanced the claim that he knew nothing of any illegal practices -- and indeed, it seems, nothing of the day-to-day operations -- of the company that he ran, his lawyers today decided to "take Lay's defense a little further."
J. Frumious Bandersnatch, Esq., explained that Lay had thought that he was retired, and that all of his money had come from an extremely lucrative dentistry practice he had invested in years ago.
"He knew the money had something to do with drilling, but that's about it," Bandersnatch said.
Lay was also said to be surprised to learn that George W. Bush was President, that he and his company had been the top contributors to Bush for many years, that he had asked Dick Cheney to appoint an energy industry lackey to the directorship of the Federal Energy Regulation Committee, that Cheney did, and that "Friends" was no longer on television.
A tip of the hat to Doug Everett of KDVS-FM for the idea.
July 19, 2004
CDs And DVDs To Be Packaged In Permanently Sealed Packages To Stop Piracy
Necessary Step, Say Record Labels, Movie Studios
Major record labels, CD and DVD manufacturers decided today that they would hitherto release only CDs and DVDs in permanently sealed, unopenable packages to combat piracy.
"We feel that the packaging we have used so far, which hinders the buyer from opening his purchase for a good ten to fifteen minutes, was too tentative and weak," said Blad Futtworth, a musician and representative of the RPMAA, an anti-piracy group. "We have decided to fully commit to protecting the copyrights of our products."
"We still want people to buy our products, but we don't necessarily want them to hear them," said Manson Fruitfly, President of Riff Records. "If they can hear it, they'll probably want to illegally copy it."
New CD's and DVD's will be encased in seamless envelopes of unbendable titanium, itself containing unbreakable synthetic diamond shells.
Additionally, legally purchased downloads will be entirely scrambled from now on, said Fruitfly.
"We've finally licked this piracy thing," said Futtworth. "Now we, as artists, can concentrate on simply making the best product we possibly can."
July 13, 2004
U.S. Election Held Yesterday "Just to Be Safe"
Better Safe Than Sorry, Says Bush
U.S. officials discussing the idea of postponing Election Day to prevent a terrorist attack instead held it nearly four months early, in order to prevent what they called "a possible terrorist-related disruption of the democratic process."
"It was J. Paul Bremer's idea," said Enrico "Ticky" Tavi, a member of a secret commission responsible for the change. Tavi said the Commission is in charge of "safeguarding democracy."
"I'd say we achieved a real 'July surprise,'" said Tavi. "We sure caught those terrrorists off guard."
Although turnout was at a record low -- only a little more than 50 votes were cast -- George W. Bush carried every state, and won every vote except one.
"We're still looking for that guy," Tavi said.
July 09, 2004
Sinking Bush Poll Numbers Increase Likelihood of Terrorist Attack, Says Ridge
Connection Unfathomable, Say Rove, Cheney
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced today that analysts had concluded that the likelihood of a terrorist strike in America increases whenever the President's popularity rating declines.
"There's a distinct correlation between the President's popularity ratings and increased terrorist activity," said Ridge. "Whenever President Bush's numbers go down, it's far more likely that we will be attacked by al Qaeda."
"The only thing we can advise is for U.S. citizens to like President Bush as much as possible to keep us all safe," Ridge concluded.
Standing in front of a wall of high-tech flat screen monitors, Ridge addressed reporters in the new Department of Homeland Security Security Operations Center.
"I can't for the political life of me say why this is happening," said Ridge. "I'm utterly stumped."
Ridge denied that Gilligan's Island was showing on one of the many screens behind him. "Oh, no," he said. "That's an uncharted desert isle."
July 08, 2004
Bush To Pass Broader Tort Reform Bill
Will Ban Trial Lawyers From Office Of Vice-President
President Bush introduced a bill today that will bring sweeping new tort reforms, including banning trial lawyers from occupying positions in the White House.
"It's bad enough these bloodsuckers are cluttering up our courts," said Bush. "Now they want to live and work in our places of government." Bush said CEO's and businessmen, not lawyers, should be running the country.
Bush said that it was mere coincidence that the proposed law would bar Sen. John Edwards from seeking the Vice Presidency. "John Edwards couldn't spark Dick Cheney's pacemaker," said Bush. Bush was careful not to repeat his comment yesterday that "Cheney can be President," because immediately afterward Cheney said, "Great," and commandeered the Oval Office, which he has refused to leave.
The President also sought to introduce a measure calling for "Grand Jury Litigation Reform," restricting fees collected by lawyers representing Presidents in connection with grand jury litigation.
"I can tell you from personal experience," said President Bush, "these fees are just too high."
July 06, 2004
Kerry Chooses Humphrey As Running Mate
Post, Times Totally Miss Boat
John Kerry announced today that dead former Vice-President Hubert Humphrey would be his running mate in the upcoming election. Kerry had the foresight to discuss the ticket with Humphrey many years ago (see picture at left), while Humphrey was still alive. Humphrey, whose death has not impeded his ability to speak, is eager to accept the nomination later this month.
Incredibly, the New York Post reported this morning that Richard Gephardt was Kerry's choice.. Those of us manning this page are helpless to explain how a newspaper or journalistic equivalent such as our own could ever get the facts so wrong.
Kerry's announcement regarding Humphrey also lays to rest the relentless speculation and rumor that John Edwards, and not Humphrey, was chosen. Kerry was forced to abandon his consideration of Edwards when the Disney Corporation was granted a preliminary injunction against his doing so, on the grounds that an Edwards-Cheney Vice-Presidential debate would infringe upon Disney's copyrights and trademarks.
Andrea Flange, a spokesman for Disney explained, "There's only one Beauty and the Beast."
July 03, 2004
"Fahrenheit 9/11" Not Even About Temperature, Say Republicans
Conservatives across the country are complaining vehemently about what they called "the countless and innumerable inaccuracies" of Michael Moore's documentary and polemic film, "Fahrenheit 9/11."
"For one thing, the title is intensely misleading," said Spartelby Fisk, a Republican gnome. "It has nothing to do with heat. It's a crock."
Fisk said that the film is a travesty. "For one thing, early in the film, President Bush moves in slow motion. President Bush has never moved in slow motion. This is just an out-and-out lie."
At several points Bush is shown in freeze frame. "He's never been that motionless," said Fisk. "This film is utterly dishonest."
Fisk also derided Moore for depicting Bush as "pasty" and "beady-eyed," and oft-times blurry and out-of-focus. "The President has always been distinct and clearly-defined," said Fisk.
In a private conversation, Karl Rove was heard to disagree. "I would never allow President Bush to be seen clearly by the American people. Good lord, how would I ever get anybody to vote for him?"
July 02, 2004
Report Finds Bush Administration "Ill-Prepared" To Occupy White House
Problems In Training, Organization Made Governing Difficult, Says Report
A broad new Army report concludes that serious problems in training, organization and policy regarding military detention operations in Iraq and Afghanistan contributed to the abuses at Abu Ghraib prison, senior defense officials said Thursday.
The report also found that the Bush Administration was "ill-equipped" to lead the nation when Bush took power in 2001, and that inadequate training, poor organization, policy-making problems, and a "complete lack of judgment" contributed to the government's inability to "do anything right."
The report, by an Army group created to issue reports and say important things about "all kinds of stuff," recommended that future presidents have "more experience with actually governing," or, at the very least, "a clue."
"If they don't have a clue, then they should be given one," said Gen. Hazelnut Cappucino III. "That's what training's all about."
Some other observations included in the report were that the world was round, that the sun usually came up in the morning, and that domestic and foreign policies were better if they were formed with some foresight and actual knowledge.
June 30, 2004
Jubilant Iraqis Await Handover Of Sovereignty
Thousands of eager Iraqis gathered in Baghdad today to greet the "birth of a new Iraqi government" after the United States formally transfers power to an interim Iraqi authority. In Sabala Square, where the transfer ceremony was scheduled to take place, swarms of Iraqis waited patiently.
"I am so excited," said Gliknar Spood. "Everything will be so different!"
Achmed Splar, an Iraqi shoe salesman turned entrepreneur, was selling pins, t-shirts, and light wands to commemorate the day. "JUNE 30, 2004" was emblazoned on one t-shirt depicting J. Paul Bremer boarding a C-130 and leaving his combat boots on the tarmac as Iraqi President Ghazi Yawer looks on.
"Hey," asked Splar. "Where is everybody?"
June 28, 2004
Senate Revises Voting Procedures
In Case Of Senate Tie, Vice President Will Now Say "Aye" or "Go Fuck Yourself"
The Republican-controlled Senate revised its voting procedures today to reflect the new-found propriety of Vice President Dick Cheney's behavior last week on the Senate floor.
Now, in the event of a tie, the Vice-President will break the tie by voting in the affirmative and saying "Aye", or, when voting in the negative, saying "Go fuck yourselves."
Additonally, the more traditional "Aye" or "Nay" will be henceforth replaced by "Fuck Me" and "Fuck You."
The Senate Sergeant-at-Arms will no longer place members under arrest, but will tell them that they are "fucked." In the event that a member is expelled, the Sergeant-at-Arms will announce that the member has been totally fucked.
When a vote is held up in committee, it will be referred to as "a total fucking."
"We want to thank the Vice President for ushering in a new, more open era of Senate civility," said. Sen. Bill Frist. "I mean, fucking-A."
June 22, 2004
White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture
Rove, Rice, Powell, Bush "Absolutely Panicked"; Cheney, Rumsfeld Unperturbed
White House officials today feared that its decision to seek to torture "enemy combatants" and terrorists might lead to the perception they had, in fact, done what they did.
"The minute the public catches on to what we actually do here everyday, we're finished," said an unamed functionary, Colin Powell.
In response to its fears, the White House released 258 pages of internal memos showing that the President, White House lawyers, and Donald Rumsfeld had explicitly approved the use of torture.
"These documents," the President said, "show that we never approved the use of torture."
The President explained that when he said, in one of the documents, that we "needed new thinking in the law of war," and that the "war on terror ushers in a new paradigm," he meant that we needed "the same old, humane thinking."
Documents show Donald Rumsfeld's kinder side, said White House officials. A document [note: pdf] that approved, among other things, forcing prisoners to stand for up to four hours at a time bore Rumsfled's notation, "Why only four? I stand for eight to ten hours day."
"What Secretary Rumsfeld meant was that prisoners would be given standing desks, several overly solicitous aides, a generous salary, as much coffee as they wanted, and air conditioning," said Albert Gonzalez, White House Counsel.
A document written by White House lawyers explicitly approving the use of torture was "being rewritten" to suggest that White House lawyers had approved giving prisoners lollipops and "non-expiring" cell phone minutes, said Gonzalez.
The White House refused to release further documents because they would only show, in even more specific and graphic language, spokesmen said, that torture was not condoned.
"To release these other documents," said Donald Rumsfeld with a smile, "would just be overkill."
Read More »
Update: Headline shortened from "White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture As Interrogation Technique Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture As Interrogation Technique" because when it's shorter, it's better.
« Close It
HMO's Sue Patients: "Make Ridiculous Demands For Health, Care," Say CEO's
HMO's giddy with excitement after winning a ruling from the Supreme Court banning patients from suing them for malpractice filed suit against their customers alleging business intereference and harassment today.
"These patients are always asking for some doctor or for some drug," said SafetyNet CEO Luther Bling-Bling. "It's enough to make you sick."
"I'm absolutely harried. It's getting much harder to make ends meet," said Health-U-Bet President Lucy Cashmore. "I can hardly keep my kids in cashmere, and these people are whining about their meds, their internal organs, their lives. It's always me, me, me with them."
Patient Juan Davila was ordered to pay Aetna $300,000 for filing a "frivolous" lawsuit in state court after he developed serious bleeding ulcers when Aetna gave him ground glass instead of a more expensive medicine, Vioxx, to treat his arthritis.
Aetna defended its action. "We're being very reasonable here. We're only asking for attorney's fees," said a spokesman for Aetna. "It's not like we wanted his left kidney."
June 21, 2004
Bush "Unnaturally Chummy" With Clinton At Portrait Unveiling, Says Hillary
Clinton Again Banished To Couch
Hillary Clinton was "extremely unsettled" by what she described as George W. Bush's "unnaturally kind remarks" to Clinton at the recent White House unveiling of Bill and Hilary Clinton's portraits. "The only explanation is that Bill is again `mowing someone else's lawn,' if you take my meaning," said one of Sen. Clinton's staffers.
"Bush was much more intimate in these several minutes with President Clinton than Gore was during his entire campaign," said a Gore campaign manager who wished to remain nameless, Donna Brazile. "It's not surprising that Hillary feels that Bill has one again indulged in fiddle-faddle."
In response, President Clinton was, once again, banished to the couch, where, as he recounted in his memoirs, he previously spent "an engaging two months" after "discussing" Monical Lewinski with Hillary. President Clinton is apparently thinking of fitting the couch with "full luxury options," including a stereo, fold-out digital TV with DVD playback, and portajohn.
Laura Bush did not, in turn, banish her husband to the couch because, she said, "he's never made a mistake." She added: "If he's sleeping with Bill Clinton, I'm sure it's for the national security."
June 17, 2004
Cheney Unable To Order Breakfast Without Mentioning Imaginary Al Qaeda-Iraq Link
Orders Eggs And "Intrinsically-Linked" Sausages
Despite the report of the 9/11 Commission that a thorough review of all relevant evidence showed that there was never any link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, Vice President Cheney is unable to go as long as three minutes without asserting the existence of such a connection.
"I'll have the waffles," he told a waitress earlier today, "with a side of bacon and Hussein was in bed with bin Laden all the way."
Cheney has mentioned the nonexistent link as many as 300 times so far today, alleging it during discussions of domestic oil production, Halliburton contracts, energy policy, and Diebold voting machines.
"We don't need a paper trail," said Cheney. "We don't have a paper trail that leads directly from Saddam to a certain now-desecrated spot in lower Manhattan, but we still know what Saddam did there."
At home, the Vice President has re-labelled the salt and pepper shakers on his dining room table "Iraq" and "Al Qaeda," and was recently heard to claim in a phone call to Anita Bryant, "They are like orange juice and sunshine."
In other news, Republicans cried foul when Time Magazine revealed that the "undisclosed location" to which Dick Cheney has periodically retreated is an underground bunker hidden in a popular theme park.
The Vice President is often in Fantasyland.
June 14, 2004
Uncle Don Needs You
Recruiters Try New Tactics to Sell Wartime Army - [W]ith the Army's presence in Iraq and Afghanistan continuing, with plans for a temporary increase of 30,000 troops in the Army's reserve, and with soldiers' tours being extended in Iraq, a top Pentagon official this month expressed concern about military recruiting in the years ahead.Join the Army! See the world! See a tiny part of the world. Explore exciting new opportunities while drinking hot water in 120 degree heat and using dogs in ways you had never anticipated. Learn the fantastic virtue of patience by watching the end of your tour get extended and extended -- seemingly forever!
Learn to love rejection. Remember those pesky relatives who come to visit you but never ever really leave? Be one of them.
Facing a long term jail sentence? You don't have to! Today's Army needs convicted felons like you to round out our, uh, glockenspiel band.
And don't go into combat alone. Bring a friend! Bring two! Bring the whole family! Our "buddy" option lets you enlist with someone you like, and who likes you (But not "that way," okay?). Nothing cements the bond of friendship than the truly unique ritual of dragging your pal to safety after he's been fragged.
Has your boyfriend/wife/lover been cheating/neglectful/clinging like a barnacle that can only be surgically removed? What better way to forget than to do eight weeks of glorious, relationship-free basic training, followed by an assignment overseas. Chances are, you won't even go to Iraq. You could go to South Korea or Germany instead. For at least a week, maybe.
It doesn't get any any better than this! It really doesn't. Sign up today!
Warning: Following orders may lead to unwanted media attention, prison sentences, and international vilification. In the event that you are wounded, medical attention and travel expenses may cost extra. You may need to provide your own equipment. Digital cameras, laptop computers, pencils and paper may be confiscated. Your memory may be subject to periodic revision. Although term of service may nominally be limited to fifteen months, you may be required to stay in the military until death or permanent disability. Coupons may not be honored. Some restrictions may apply. Get a haircut.
June 08, 2004
GOP To Rename Buildings, Monuments, Schools, President Bush After Reagan
Republicans today rallied the cry to rename most of the nation's buildings in honor of Ronald Reagan, and planned to rename George W. Bush after him as well.
The White House will be renamed The Ronald Reagan House (Which Happens To Be White), and, as soon as stonemasons can replace the face, the Lincoln Memorial will be renamed the Reagan Memorial. (Lincoln's great speeches, carved into the walls of the Memorial, will be left there, "Because didn't Reagan play Lincoln in some movie?" said Francis Bickel, chair of the Reagan Memorial Defense Committee. "He probably said those after he liberated the jews from the death camps.")
The Presidency is to renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Presidency, and George W. Bush will henceforth be known as the First Ronald Reagan President, or the "Pretty Good" Communicator.
"It's a good thing," said Bush. "I hope I can live up to it. I understand that Abe Lincoln once landed a jet on the USS Ronald Reagan, and I'd like to do that, too."
June 03, 2004
Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine"
President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.
"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."
Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.
"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.
Habeeb McKenzie, a postal worker from Iowa, said,"That umbrella don't work for shit! Who is he kidding? Can I offer you some mail?"
June 02, 2004
Iraqi Governing Council Takes Bold New Step Of Renaming Itself
Plan To Rename, Repaint Offices, Too
Iraq took a mighty step forward toward creating an independent sovereign government this week as the Iraqi Governing Council -- a group of U.S. appointed Iraqi exiles seen as largely subservient to U.S. demands -- renamed itself and became a group of dynamic, independent thinkers -- made up of the very same people.
"I am a new man!" cried Prime Minister Iyad Allawi. "I could order American troops out of Iraq tomorrow if I wished!"
Asked if this was true, Allawi became suddenly sober and said," I don't know. Let me make a call." After disappearing into his study and making an overseas call, Allawi emerged and answered, "No. I can't."
He raised his hands over his head in a gesture of triumph. "But I can dream!" he cried.
Mysterious New Body Has No Actual Name
The Iraqi Governing Council transformed itself into -- something else.
"Everyone's calling us the 'new interim goverment,' but we had been thinking about calling ourselves 'New Government with Minty Fresh Scent' to spice it up," said "New Improved" Foreign Minister Hoshiyar Zebari, who had previously been Foreign Minister in the Iraqi Governing Council.
"That's how I got this job," Zebari joked. "Foreign Minister was already on my resume."
May 31, 2004
Cable Networks Planning To Add All-Chalabi Channel
All Chalabi, All the Time Is Only Thing That Will Satisfy American Public, Say Networks
Cable networks across the country announced today adding the "Chalabi Channel," in order to sate what they called "the insatiable appetite" of American consumers for news, discussion, and entertainment revolving around former-good-guy-turned-bad-guy Ahmed Chalabi.
"I, for one, just can't get enough," said Vinnie Schlockboom, a coal miner from Grundigsville, Pennsylvania. As Mr. Schlockboom dug into a huge movie-theater-sized container of hot-buttered popcorn, he lay back in his E-Z-chair and quickly surfed television channels for any tidbit about the "newly exiled exile."
"It's a classic American tale," said Princeton English Professor Hilda Hammerman, "Good man woos country, good man gets thrown out of country, good man gets country, good man turns out to be lying thief, trickster and traitor, has house continually raided, loses country."
Kevin Drum of the blog Political Animal and Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo have been signed on to sort out the facts and talk endlessly about the never-ending stream of developments and revelations about Chalabi. Richard Perle and Newt Gingrich will mud-wrestle Condoleezza Rice on "White House Rumble!" to get her to reverse the White House decision to stop associating with the same man to whom they paid millions so that he would tell them exactly what they wanted to hear.
A sitcom called "Chalabi and Friends" is reportedly in development. It will feature Ahmed Chalabi and a host of "unlikely political characters" who live in two apartments across the hall from each other bed-hopping and switching partners until the show goes into syndication.
May 26, 2004
Certain Higher Terror Threat To U.S., Says Washington; Threat Level Raised From Yellow To "Yellower"
Today the Department of Homeland Security warned of a much higher risk of a terrorist attack over the coming months, which prompted them to raise the threat level from Yellow ("Elevated") to Yellow ("Still Elevated"). "The threat level remains fundamentally the same," said Tom Ridge, "Except that it is definitely, certainly much threatier."
In response, the FBI pledged to step up its random arrest program, used most recently to such great effect with Portland lawyer Brandon Mayfield last week, who, although not a terrorist, "was unable to mount a terrorist attack during his two weeks in captivity, had he really been one."
Although unable to supply a date, time, place, method, situation, guess, hope, or random thought for the expected attack on the U.S. by al Qaeda, Ridge said there was "credible intelligence" corroborated by lots of "chatter" that, while not "actionable," provided a firm basis for scaring the bejesus out of an otherwise complacent U.S. populace.
"We don't want people to panic," said Ridge. "But it could be any place, at any time, and it could be either a nuclear explosion that flattens the coast or a biological attack that could make "The Day After Tomorrow" look like a high school picnic."
"Or not," he added.
Ridge cut his remarks short to make a trip to Capitol Hill to get the Department of Homeland Security renamed the "Department of Scaring The Pants Off People While Not Offering The Slightest Help Whatsoever."
May 24, 2004
New Iraqi Government To Be Chosen In Special Season of "Survivor," Says Prez
"The Government" To Join Reality TV Lineup Until June 30
In one of his most important speeches to date, the President unveiled a detailed and methodical plan for the transfer of sovereignty to a new Iraqi government.
"We have entered into an arrangement with Survivor's Mark Burnett to choose the 30 members of the Iraqi interim government. 100 Iraqis will compete against each other to choose the 30 finalists and a new form of government in what, I think you'll agree, will make a very exciting month of television," the President announced before the U.S. Army War College tonight.
U.N. representative Lakhdar Brahimi will host, due to the unavailability of Survivor regular Jeff Probst, said Bush. Shi'ite Ayatollah Ali Sistani and representatives of the Sunnis and Kurds will be forced to run mazes, sell lemonade, and stand for hours on tree stumps while keeping their arms raised to prove their worth in running Iraq.
"Choosing the correct 30 people to run the interim government of Iraq is absolutely crucial to the success or failure of this grand experiment," said Bush. "There may be other ways to choose the 30 people, but we couldn't think of any."
White House officials dealt with criticism of the plan as half-baked, uncooked, and imbecilic by replying that having a plan -- any plan -- would be better than simply hoping that a truly workable interim government would simply coalesce while they "made a lot of speeches about it."
Soldier On Leave Takes Picture Of Bush Falling Off Bike
Proves Digital Cameras "Terrible Threat" To Nation, Says Rumsfeld
On Saturday, a soldier on leave, using his cellphone camera, took a picture of President Bush riding his bicycle into a huge ditch. The photograph showed that the President had been riding with his eyes closed, while Donald Rumsfeld, Condeleezza Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, and Dick Cheney directed Bush to ride off the edge of a precipice and into the dangerous ravine.
The President denied that he needed to ride with his eyes open in the future. "Ya see, that's just what these ravines want, they want us to get away from these sheer drop-offs. But we will not be strayed from our mission," he said.
Donald Rumsfeld, who has banned digital cameras, camcorders, cellphones with cameras, and the gift of sight from all military compounds in Iraq, immediately extended the ban to all U.S. military personnel everywhere.
Pvt. Northrup O'Hallohan, who took the picture, was immediately placed under house arrest. His cellphone camera has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay for questioning.
"I don't know what I did wrong," said O'Hallohan. "I thought I still had 200 free minutes."
May 21, 2004
Chalabi Said To Have Posed Imminent Threat To U.S. Wallets, Pocketbooks
Search Of Chalabi Home Turns Up Only A $33 Million Watch
The U.S., pretending to an arm of the Iraqi Provisional Authority, invaded Ahmed Chalabi's house today, because Chalabi was deemed to be an "imminent threat" to the nation's pocketbooks, Donald Rumsfeld said today.
Rumsfeld initially claimed not to have any knowledge of the invasion, saying that the action had been mounted by members of the Iraqi government. However, he admitted that he had actually given the order to invade Chalabi's home when confronted with the fact that no Iraqi government yet exists. "Oh yeah," he said.
J. Paul Bremer, the U.S.-installed Occupational Czar of Iraq, was disappointed by how little was discovered in the raid of Chalabi's home, since he had been "fairly sure" that that the missing WMD would actually turn up inside.
"That would have been perfect," said Bremer, sitting next to a stack of Agatha Christie novels. "I mean, only a month ago we were still paying the little creep."
Chalabi is unfazed by the sudden downturn in his relationship with the United States. He was last seen in negotiations with cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.
"I can tell you a lot about the Americans," he is said to have boasted.
May 19, 2004
Unitarian Church Adopts Doctrine That Texans Are Idiots
New Belief System Entitles Them To Tax-Exempt Status
[A]ccording to the office of Texas Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn, a Denison Unitarian church isn't really a religious organization -- at least for tax purposes. Its reasoning: the organization "does not have one system of belief."The Unitarian Church, which was denied tax-exempt status by the Texas State Comptroller for not having "one system of belief," repudiated all of its prior teachings today in exchange for the sole doctrine that Texas should be sawed off the United States and pushed into the Gulf of Mexico.
"Is that belief system enough for ya?" said Unitarian Minister Obiah P. Dowd, who doubles as the sheriff of Yaul County.
The Unitarian Church is now moving to disqualify the Catholic Church from tax-exempt status because it propounds belief in the existence of the Holy Trinity. "We count that as three," said Minister Dowd.
In a press conference today, Comptroller Strayhorn said that she was entitled to judge the Unitarian religion based upon her acute expertise in all matters theological. "I've seen The Ten Commandmants dozens of times," said Strayhorn. "It used to be on the television every year."
Strayhorn denied being inconsistent for allowing the Church of Scientology to have tax-exempt status in Texas. "Oh, but they they have one belief system", she said. "They only believe in fleecing Tom Cruise."
May 18, 2004
Kerry Forced To Prop Up Face Until Next Botox Shot, Says GOP
The RNC's Marc Racicot gleefully claimed today that Democratic candidate-to-be John Kerry had been forced to prop up his own face pending future botox shots that would keep it in place without the aid of fingers.
Kerry aide Laura Nuptial denied the charge, saying that the Senator had merely unsuccessfully attempted to pick his nose during a prominent campaign appearance, and later removed his finger from his face "without incident."
May 17, 2004
Iraqi Council President's Assassination Not Huge Setback, Says Bush
Wasn't Going To Be President of Council Much Longer Anyway, He Says
President Bush was cautiously upbeat about the recent assassination of Iraqi Governing Council President Ezzidin Salim this morning, saying that though it was a "terrible tragedy," it did make one of the changes envisioned by the June 30 the transition plan, "only much more forcefully."
Bush explained that he had expected that Salim would not have remained President of the Governing Council much after June 30 in any case.
"This is bad news, bad, bad news," said Bush. "The good news is this occurred outside the Green Zone, so things are certainly improving."
White House spokesmen echoed the President's optimism. "We'd like to think that we're not losing a Council President, we're gaining a speedier transition," said White House aide Hector Turlington IV.
Corey Humongous, a retired tire welder from Calefon, Ohio, agreed: "Because after this, we just want to get the hell out of there that much faster."
In related headlines, Bush Administration officials welcomed news that a bomb containing Sarin nerve gas had exploded in Baghdad recently. "We've finally found those weapons of mass destruction," said a greatly relieved low level Bush Administration flunkee -- Secretary Of State Colin Powell.
May 12, 2004
Democrats Outraged By Outrage at Outrage
A vicious cycle of outrage threatens to swallow up Washington following Sen. Inhofe's (R. Okla.) statement earlier this week that he was "more outraged by the outrage than he was by the treatment" of Abu Ghraib prisoners. Democrats immediately became outraged that he was more outraged by the outrage, and now Republicans are livid that Democrats are furious at Sen. Inhofe's acrimony.
Historians can recall few times as outrageous, but recall previous incidents in American politics, such as 1742, when the Tories were irked by ire, 1773, when the Whigs were fuming about wrath, or 1907, when populists were incensed by aggravation.
"All pales compared to the period when Mary Lincoln confessed to Abraham that she was piqued by temper," said Sydney Mayhew, a scholar in the field of acute exasperation.
Sen. Inhofe has previously been menaced by menace and mystified by mysticism, so his statements this week should not have been very surprising, said Mayhew.
And the effect on the citizenry? "All of this anger we're seeing in Congress right now," said Mayhew, "It probably just pisses them off."
Harvard Business School To Honor Bush With New Degree
In honor of the "CEO President," and in recognition of the fine advances he has brought to modern management techniques, the Harvard Business School will offer a new degree, called the "M.B.A.": Master Of Bush Administration.
Professor Stephen Hambone, Ph.D.Th. (Doctor of Thinkology), explained, "President Bush has taken delegation to an entirely new level. We used to teach that you should delegate to the most competent and intelligent individuals in your organization. But President Bush has taught us that you can delegate to anyone, as long as you don't read their reports."
Professor Hambone also lauded the President for cutting down on executive reading: "You don't have to read critical documents anymore -- or any documents, really -- and in fact, it's preferable. Cuts down on the likelihood of shareholder litigation or impeachment."
Professor Hambone was effusive in his praise of Bush's "no-minute management style," and related other Bush lessons: "Always call the work of top supervisors 'superb,' even when they've endangered a core mission. When you say your supervisors look good, you look good. And blameless."
The school will be taking applications only from those nominally serving in the National Guard, starting this July.
May 10, 2004
Higher Job Numbers Tied To Increase In
Torturers Overseas Prison Guards
Not Widespread, But Thankfully Good For Economy, Says Rumsfeld
A contrite U.S. Department of Labor explained that Friday's encouraging job numbers largely were due to increases in the hiring of U.S. military intelligence officers overseas and assorted specialists who "helped" them, as well as a large number of expensive civilian contractors employed in Iraq to perform interrogations.
"We believe the abuse, while certainly horrific, was not widespread," said Donald Rumsfeld last Friday, "but we are encouraged that, at the very least, this international scandal is helping to revive our economy."
Today the President lauded Rumsfeld for doing a "superb" job, and added that he was "impressed" at how Mr. Rumsfeld was able to see the "silver cloud" in even in the "darkest lining."
The Department of Labor was optimistic about the number of jobs the economy would add next month, even taking into account possible job losses of people who might be court-martialled, a spokesman said.
May 07, 2004
The Story Of Little George
When George was little, his father put him in charge of the garden in the back yard.
"Now, George, the gardeners are going to make this garden nice. All you have to do is make sure that they do a good job."
"Yes, Daddy," said George.
George had some other things to do, so he put his dog in charge of the gardeners.
When the gardeners came, they burned down the toolshed, destroyed the garden, trampled the yard, and demolished the neighbor's house.
When George's father came back, he was stunned.
"How did this happen?" he asked George.
"Dad, I cannot tell a lie," George said. "I am disgusted by what I see here today. I am as surprised as you to see this devastation. Rest assured that investigations into this disaster will begin immediately."
"Don't you have something to say to me?" said George's father.
"I told the neighbors I was deeply sorry that their house burned down," said George.
"Don't you think you better get rid of that dog?" said George's father.
"No, father, he's a good dog, and I'm going to keep him."
George put the dog in charge of the investigation.
May 05, 2004
Little Mermaid To Join Moore In Disney Protest
The Little Mermaid joined Michael Moore today to protest what she called "film distribution fascism," in response to Disney's refusal to distribute either Ariel's or Mr. Moore's films.
Ms. Ariel's film "The Little Mermaid" has not been available in stores anwhere since it was placed on "moratorium" in February, 2000.
"It can't be a coincidence that my film was pulled from the shelves just when George W. Bush was made President," said Ariel, speaking outside of Disney-MGM Studios' "Voyage of the Little Mermaid" earlier today, where she appears daily.
"I believe Disney pulled my film in response to my stance against unregulated bulk fishing, which this Administration champions," said Ariel.
Ariel decried any suggestion that the "moratorium" was related to her 1999 breakup with Disney chief Michael Eisner. On the other hand, Michael Moore was fairly certain that Disney's refusal to distribute his film was "somewhat related" to Moore's refusal to date Mr. Eisner in 2003.
Ariel and Mr. Moore were joined by Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Aladdin, The Lion King, Bambi, Shere Khan, Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, and 101 Dalmatians.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse declined to comment.
May 04, 2004
Clinton Responsible For Prisoner Abuse, Says Bush
Responsibility For U.S. Soldiers' Misconduct Must Go "Right To The Top," Affirms Current Prez
Today President Bush said that the blame for the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners must lie with "the very highest offices responsible for overseeing the military," and that, accordingly, President Clinton was at fault.
"Far from being just the misdeeds to a handful of misbehaving soldiers, we have to see these that only one person and one person alone ultimately bears responsibility for the government over which he presides," said Bush. "That person is, of course, President Clinton."
"President Clinton's failure to act directly caused the horrors we have discovered today," Bush continued. "If President Clinton had invaded Iraq when he should have, this would never have happened."
President Bush called for the formation of a special commission to investigate the many ways in which Clinton caused the ailments of today's America: "President Clinton should fess up to these aburdly high gas prices," he said. "Not to mention all these lost jobs. He sure has a lot to answer for."
May 03, 2004
Republican Guard To Be Placed In Charge Of Iraq Prisons, Fallujah
More Secure And Humane, Says U.S.
In response to what appears to be widespread, sanctioned abuse and torture of captive Iraqis at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison, the Bush Administration has reconstituted the Republic Guard and directed its generals to oversee U.S. prison facilities in Iraq "from now on."
"We want to make sure that Iraqi prisoners are treated better than American soldiers treat them," said U.S. General Chaim Matlock.
The Republican Guard will also take over the U.S. seige of Fallujah. "We don't want to inflame Iraqis, so instead of U.S. soldiers shelling the hell out of them, we thought they'd take more kindly to the Republican Guard doing it."
Former Saddam Hussein lookalike and Republican Guard leader Jasim Muhammad Saleh was to be placed in charge of the U.S. mission. However, after he told U.S. officials that there were "no Iraqis in Fallujah" and that he "doubted that there were any in Iraq," American officials said they might "reconsider" a decision which they said "might be yet another unimaginably colossal blunder."
April 30, 2004
Bush Enjoyed "Nice Visit" With "Nice Men" From Commission
Hopes For More Inquiries of White House Failures, Disasters
President Bush today spoke of the visit of the 9/11 Commission and their questions about possible government failures leading up to the worst terrorist attack on American soil.
"I enjoyed it," said Bush. "It was the most fun."
The President said that he could not remember why he attempted to block the formation of the Commission or stonewall them completely for much of the time since their creation.
"Nice peoples have pretty ties," he said.
After the meeting, White House staffers took the Commisssioners' notebooks away to see if they contained any classified information that they could redact and reveal later at a politically opportune moment.
"Big people take nice men paper away," Bush said.
After Bush's statements, Vice President Cheney led Bush away with several balls and toys.
April 27, 2004
Siege Of Fallujah Voted Best Ceasefire Ever
In a response to the pentagon's recent statement that today's mammoth exchanges of hostile weapons fire did not mean that the fragile ceasefire negotiated between Iraqi insurgents and the U.S had ended, the International Protocol Evaluation Committee on All Ceasefires (IPECAC) voted the Fallujah ceasefire the "best ever."
Dr. Neb Blimbo explained that while most ceasefires were "outright dull," the ceasefire at Fallujah had been "really spiced up" by the spectacular plumes thrown up by primary and secondary explosions against the night sky.
"Ceasefires are so much more exciting when the parties are absolutely blowing the living crap out of each other," he explained.
Blimbo further explained that the siege of Fallujah still qualified as a ceasefire because the participants "cease firing every ten seconds or so when they have to reload."
Dr. Blimbo's other favorite ceasefires include the Tet Offensive, ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, and Custer's Last Stand.
April 26, 2004
Bush Would Have Kept Medals If He Had Earned Any, Says Hughes
Karen Hughes, in a withering attack on John Kerry today, complained that it was awful for Kerry to throw away or keep his medals or ribbons from the Vietnam war.
Hughes admitted that she was confused as to whether Kerry had said that he kept his highly prestigious medals, but had actually thrown them away, or the reverse. "I don't care about the facts," she said.
"Whatever Kerry did or didn't do with the medals he earned for saving men's lives in dangerous combat, it's a disgrace," she said. "His so-called defense of this country makes me puke."
"If George W. Bush had earned a medal for anything that he did, you can bet he wouldn't have faked throwing out any award that he would possibly have earned," she said. "If they gave out medals for running out on National Guard duty, for disregarding a direct order, or for practically flunking the National Guard pilot's exam, you can bet the President would have taken a principled stand on them, if he had had any principles."
Hughes derided the bravery and valor that led Kerry to get the medal in the first place. "Anyone can get medals," she said. "It's keeping them or throwing them out that's the hard part."
"I don't know if you can get a medal for driving drunk," she said defiantly, "but if you could, the President would have a whole deskful."
April 23, 2004
Iraqi Caretaker Government To Be Replaced By "Janitorial Administocracy"
The Bush Administration announced today that the new Iraqi interim government they are to transfer power to on June 30 would not be able to make new laws, regulate spending, control armed forces, or govern, but would be permitted to "take out the trash on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"They'll have plenty to do," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.
Only 10 weeks from the scheduled transfer of sovereignty, the White House is still uncertain what form of interim government to create.
"We've been considering a 'caretaker' government, a 'gofer' government, a 'custodial' government, a 'babysitter' government, a 'satellite' government, a 'puppet regime,' a mindless bureaucracy, a 'faux' authority, or a 'complete charade,'" said McClellan.
That "government" would remain in "power" until "elections" are held next year, he stated.
"We want Iraqis to know what it means to be truly liberated, to enjoy complete freedom, and to form the government of their choosing," said McClellan.
"Just not today," he added.
April 21, 2004
A Forceful Powell Stands Up To Bush In Recent Oval Office Talk
"Even a savage can understand what it means to be free, eh, Powell? Free."
"Yes, Mr. President, sir."
"Democracy is the essence of freedom. In a democracy, the People rule. The People have the say. Or at least, their elected leaders have the say for four years, during which they can do whatever they want."
"These savages will accept democracy over my soldiers' dead bodies! We will not yield! We will stay the course! Everyone is entitled to to freedom, and if those infidels can't understand or accept that, we'll have to make them understand!'
"Are you with me, Powell?"
"Yes sir. I 'll try to be."
"You're either with me or against me, Powell. Which is it?"
"I guess I -- I'm with you, sir. Are there any lies or willful misprepresentations you want to make to the United Nations, sir?"
"Not today, Powell. Now, get out."
April 18, 2004
Bush To Return Iraq For Credit Or Refund
Two months before the invasion of Iraq, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell warned President Bush about the potential negative consequences of a war, citing what Mr. Powell privately called the "you break it, you own it" rule of military action, according to a new book.President Bush today set into motion plans to return Iraq "for a full refund."
When Bush ordered military forces to invade Iraq, he reportedly told commanding Gen. Tommy Franks, "Make sure you get a receipt."
Today Bush announced that he wanted to exchange Iraq for "a country that welcomes invading Americans with open arms," and noted that he was "willing to take cash," but Iraqis said that they would probably only give him a credit towards the purchase of a fundamentalist Muslim theocracy.
Bush is also irritated because before he can return Iraq, he will have to wait in line for hours at the Iraqi Department of Customer Service.
Bush is prepared to make an impassioned plea. "The country was already broken when we got it," he will say. Bush will add that the "oilfields have never functioned properly" and complain about "an awful ding" in the "left side" of the country.
"We didn't do that," Dick Cheney is to claim.
April 14, 2004
American Idol Viewers Vote President Off Show
Fans of the Fox television show "American Idol" tuned in last night and voted immediately and resoundingly to bounce the President from the show.
"It was a one-note performance," said Terry Ackerly of Dented Fender, New Mexico.
Bush performed "Stay the Course," but, according to some fans, was only capable of repeating the same tired phrases in a jerky, halting manner.
"Sometimes it looked like he had totally forgotten the words," said Ackerly.
Simon Cowell was particularly harsh. "I don't know why you think you have a chance in this business," he told Bush, and called it "perhaps the worst performance of Elton John I have ever witnessed."
Randy Jackson said that he was "disappointed" but that "the vocals weren't there," and added that the President "didn't connect with him." Paula Abdul told the President that "she really liked his tie," but that sometimes he was "awfully smirky and a little pitchy."
"You could be fresher and more sincere," said Abdul.
April 13, 2004
Clinton's Perverse Adherence To Constitutional Norms Destroyed Effectiveness of FBI, Says Ashcroft
Also Decried Clinton's Failure To Cover Bare-Bosomed Statues
John Ashcroft, testifying today before the 9/11 Commission, laid the blame for the World Trade Center disaster squarely on the shoulders of President Clinton and his government, stating that "their bizarre adherence to established constitutional protections endangered us all."
Ashcroft, who listed the top priorities of the Department Justice as "eradicating bare breasts from the paintings, sculptures, public parks, and the workplace" and "making good Christian music replace rock and hip-hop on FM radio,' lectured the 9/11 Commission on "how hobbled we all are when we give people these so-called rights."
"Better to be safe and in jail than on the street and in danger," said Ashcroft, decrying all these "individual rights people are having."
Ashcroft also assailed the Clinton for what he called "meaningless dithering" about assasinating foreign nationals.
"They couldn't go and blow bin Laden away," said Ashcroft, speaking of the Clinton administration, "because they kept talking about their high and mighty 'rule of law' thingy-do."
"Like it was all that," he added.
Scalia Seizes Tapes Of His Apology
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has apologized for an incident last week in which a U.S. marshal erased reporters' recordings of a speech Scalia gave to high school students.Today, Justice Antonin Scalia ordered the seizure of two Mississippi reporters' tapes of his apology to them after he discovered that they were recording his remarks.
As Scalia was apologizing for a previous seizure of the reporters' tapes, he noticed that they were recording his apology, whereupon he ordered federal marshalls to seize the recordings and grind them into dust.
"I have a First Amendment right to destroy the First Amendment rights of others," Scalia later said in a letter apologizing for seizing the recordings of his apology.
In a separate letter, Justice Clarence Thomas concurred.
April 05, 2004
Old But Gold
Bush To Declare War On Iraq
Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."
"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."
Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.
He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.
"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."
Originally published on August 20, 2003.
It seems strangely relevant today.
April 01, 2004
White House To Build $100 Billion Shield Against Richard Clarke
Rogue Employees Are Top Threat To Nation's Security, Says Rice
Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld gave a joint press conference this morning in which they announced that the greatest threat to the nation's security are "rogue employees" that "threaten to undermine the security and confidence of the nation."
Rumsfeld stressed the importance of building an "impenetrable shield" to stop these former employees from "compromising our future."
Rumsfeld estimated that the shield could cost anywhere between 10 and 100 billion dollars, although private White House estimates place the cost of the shield at 500 billion.
"These disaffected employees have large, terrible axes to grind and if we cannot disarm them, then we must guard against them" said Rumsfeld.
"We are not going to stand idly by and watch revisionists threaten the safety of our nation," said Rice.
White House Order For Double-Shot No Foam Skim Latte Caused National Security Breach
A White House aide trusted with sensitive national security information was detained in a "safe house" for weeks after he accidentally ordered a "no-holds-barred, resurrected, non-functioning ICBM missile shield" instead of a double-shot no foam nonfat latte at a D.C. Starbucks in early September of 2001.
"It was a natural mistake," the aide, Kenneth Katonka III, said. "At the White Hosue and Pentagon we ate, drank, and slept missile shields. So I ordered one."
"Yes, we wanted a $100 billion missile shield," said Rumsfeld. "But I also wanted a latte. Mr. Katonka got the orders confused."
News of Katonka's detention reignited the firestorm burning in Washington over whether the Bush Administration incompetently missed the boat in predicting that the worst threat to America would be Saddam Hussein's development of huge nuclear missiles that could threaten the United States.
"So we were a little off," said Rumsfeld.
Condy Rice denied that there was much emphasis on a missile shield, despite a speech she was scheduled to make on September 11, 2001 making the creation of a missile shield to protect the U.S. against "rogue ICBM's" the cornerstone of U.S. national security policy.
"Mr. Katonka's account is simply, completely, utterly false," she said. "I wanted a caramel machiatto."
March 31, 2004
In Nod To 9/11 Commission, American Courts To Start Recording Trial Testimony On Napkins
Will Also Permit Witnesses To Testify Jointly And Simultaneously
The U.S. Court system is adopting an entirely new set of rules for testimonial evidence today in recognition of the 9/11 Commission's novel and persuasively convenient methods of gathering evidence, a spokesman for all American courts said today.
The 9/11 Commission's apparent acceptance of President Bush's offer to testify jointly with Dick Cheney has "revolutionized the taking of testimony in courts everywhere," said legal expert Prof. Dozey Doats.
"Not requiring witnesses to testify under oath and not formally recording their statements totally streamlines the judicial process as we know it," said Prof. Doats. "Why didn't we think of this before?"
As soon as the new rules were announced, prospective witnesses all over America came forward to testify in secret with each other before courts not recording their testimony.
"Being able to testify with your friends is a lot more fun than testifying alone," said 8 year-old Jill Beets, an eyewitness from Montclair, Nebraska, who testified recently at a murder trial jointly with ten of her "bestest" friends.
"I can understand why President Bush wants to testify along with Vice-President Cheney," she said. "Testifying is scary and sometimes you just want someone big to hold your hand."
March 27, 2004
Democrats Seek to Show Rice's Lips Moving In Effort To Show That She Lied
Seek to Declassify Her Private 9/11 Testimony, Too
Republican Congressional leaders said Friday that they would seek to declassify past Congressional testimony from Richard A. Clarke, President Bush's former counterterrorism chief, in an effort to demonstrate that the former aide had lied this week about Mr. Bush's record.Democrats furious at the move of Sen. Majority Leader Bill Frist to declassify Richard Clarke's testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee are fighting back, demanding that Rice's testimony before the 9/11 commission be similarly declassified.
Rice recently asked the Commission for the opportunity to testify privately before them a second time, but not under oath, and only while speaking through a large hand puppet.
"It is our view that use of the hand puppet would give Ms. Rice plausible deniability, should anyone challenge her statements," said Michael Musto, a new spokesman for the White House. "If that happens, we will just blame it on the hand puppet."
For her part, Rice categorically denied lying to the Comission in her previous testimony. Rice said that it would be "revisionist history" to say that she was lying when she said that she wasn't lying when she lied before.
"We just want the American people to have the truth," she said of the most famously secretive government in America's history.
"Cross Dick 's heart," she added.
March 25, 2004
God Asks To Have Name Removed From Pledge
Would Really Rather Not Be Mentioned, He Says
In a startling development in arguments before the Supreme Court yesterday, God appeared and asked to have his name removed from the pledge of allegiance.
"I'd really rather not be bothered," God said. "I'm very busy, and, while I try, in my infinite omniscience, to listen to every girl and boy in America, the pledge is really just a mindless recitation that muddies up the Holy airwaves with empty, patriotic static."
God cautioned that he had nothing against patriotism and that he very much enjoyed almost every rendition of the Star Stangled Banner.
"I'm not a heathen," he said.
Ridge To Ask For Creation Of Department of Homeland Security Security
Department of Homeland Security Not Secure, He Explains
Tom Ridge asked the White House to create a new cabinet-level position in response to his growing awareness that the Department of Homeland Security is not sufficiently secure.
"Many of the locks don't work," said Ridge at a press conference today. "Anybody can just walk in here. I had a donut and coffee on my desk that just disappeared."
Ridge called on President Bush to create a "Secretary of Homeland Security Security."
Ridge suggested surrounding the building with an 18-foot-high concrete fence to keep out intruders, and starting an inquiry to determine "who drew a mustache on my picture of President Bush."
"The first place to start with security is our own back yard," said Ridge. "And I could use some barb wire and an outdoor grill that you can put 30,000 volts through."
March 24, 2004
A Letter To The 9/11 Commission From Condoleezza Rice
Dear Members of the 9/11 Commission,
It is with great regret that I write that, unlike every other invited government official, I will not be able to testify before you.
It's not because I won't talk about the Bush Administration's record on counterterrorism to anyone. I do talk about it -- to anyone at any time. I talked about it with Rush Limbaugh, with Larry King, I talked to the Washington Post, the New York Times, The Sacramento Bee, Mad Magazine. I even went on Meet the Press. Yesterday I cornered my postman and talked his ear off for an hour about that ruthlessly dishonest Richard Clarke. I talked to my cat Licks about terrorism for about three hours this morning.
No, it's not that I won't talk about the matters that the Commission is interested in questioning me about. It's because I can't. You see, I suffer in secret from a terrible malady: I have Swearing-Induced Investigatory Commission Immune Deficiency Syndrome. If I testify under oath before an investigatory committee on a matter of the utmost importance to our nation, my entire body will swell up until I burst, suffocate, and implode.
My terrible condition has only recently been diagnosed. It is amplified by the fact that I am allergic to Lying Like A Rug Under Oath Disorder, also known as Llaruod-itis. Although I am fully capable of misrepresenting and even fabricating out of whole cloth "facts" to the American people, I have an as-yet-intractable aversion to lying under oath to them. I am undergoing treatment for this condition, and I hope that someday I will be able to dissemble under oath in the future.
So you see, I cannot testify before this distinguished and most important Commission.
I have a note from a doctor.
"Dr." Condoleezza Rice
National Security Council
A Corner Office In The White House With Lots of Toys For The President To Play With When I'm Meeting With Him
March 22, 2004
Bush's Road Map For MidEast Peace Outlined Today For First Time
Click On Map To Enlarge
March 18, 2004
Nation In Deeper Trouble Than Scalia Imagines
Justice Antonin Scalia rejected demands that he recuse himself from a case involving Vice-President after the Vice President footed the bill for an expensive vacation that he and took together.
"If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined," Justice Scalia wrote in a 21-page memorandum bristling with defiance.
Today, in response to the memo, the Supreme Court unanimously (8-0) declared that the nation is in deeper trouble than Scalia imagines.
"Whenever you have to write 21-pages explaining why there's no appearance of impropriety, there's an appearance of impropriety," said a poorly disguised David Souter in a diner near the Courthouse.
Scalia emphasized in his memo that he "never hunted in the same blind with the vice president," although he did acknowledge occasionally "sharing the same buckshot," "telling the same jokes," and "sharing the same utterly arrogant, fascist view of our own power and authority."
Misunderstanding Of "March Madness" Causes Turmoil, Unrest
Insurgents misunderstanding the meaning of the Americans' "March Madness" have been celebrating the month with explosions, exchanges of shoulder-launched grenades, and chaos. Insurgents were shocked to discover that "March Madness" referred to a popular basketball tournament.
"We thought we were going along with the moment," said stunned insurgent Ismed Pallavi, "We have been creating the March Mayhem, just like all other Americans."
Pallavi was absolutely amazed that "March Madness" meant that he was supposed to enter a betting pool and spend the next several weeks camped out in front of a TV.
"Do I still have time to put some money down on Gonzaga?" he asked.
Professor Irving Mayhew noted that this was just another example of how the gulf between cultural norms in radically different societies can lead to violence.
"The solution is to teach Moslems to love college basketball," he said.
March 16, 2004
Kerry "Foreign Leader" Statement To Be Defining Issue Of Campaign, Say Pundits
Political pundits lodged all over the mediascape declared today that Kerry's "foreign leaders" statement -- that some foreign leaders had confided in Kerry that he wanted him to win the Presidential election -- will be the single-most important issue in the campaign.
The question for most voters will not be "where does Kerry stand on health care," or "what is his position on jobs or foreign policy," but "when did he say it," and "did he know, when he said it, what he was saying?"
President Bush called Kerry out recently, daring him to name one foreign leader that wanted Kerry to be elected, but Kerry declined, saying that "it would save considerable time if I just named the leaders that didn't."
In a recent poll conducted by Karl Rove, nine out of ten Americans feel that John Kerry's "foreign leaders" claim would be more important to them in choosing a candidate than the current President's abysmal handling of the economy, the war in , and Dick 's ties to Halliburton.
Gore To Ask For Supreme Court Vote Recount
After a long period of brooding, Al Gore has decided to ask for a recount of the nine Justices' votes in the 2000 election, alleging that "improper vote counting techniques" had resulted in a wrong decision.
"It should have been 4-5, not 5-4. Sandra Day O'Connor assures me that she thought she was voting for me and not Mr. Bush when she wrote her concurring opinion," said Gore at a news conference today.
Justice Clarence Thomas, in a recent speech at Howard University, said that he thought that he had voted for Pat Buchanan.
Mr. Gore is presently collecting the Supreme Court ballots and intends to deliver them to the Palm Beach County Board of Elections for the recount.
March 15, 2004
Bush Joins Socialist Party
Move Necessary To Secure Hispanic Vote, Says White House
President Bush, determined to lock up the all-important Hispanic vote in America, joined the Socialist Party today. "I want the people of Mexico to know that I sympathize with their terrible tragedy and that I'm there for them," said Bush.
"He meant to say Spain," said an advisor.
Bush is to fly immediately to Spain for a photo opportunity with Spain's new Prime Minister, Socialist Party leader Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.
"If we can't line up a pic with Zapatero, we're willing to fly Bush for a picture with anyone who looks like they might be Hispanic or, at least speaks Spanish," said a senior White House official. White House aides were said to be looking to arrange a picture of the President offering a giant plastic taco on a platter to Spanish troops in . There was some discussion of photoshopping it.
"The age of digital photo opportunities has arrived," said "el jefe Karl Rove del Valencia," as he will henceforth be known. "Look, if we can digitally correct the President's speeches for campaign ads, what's the problem with creating photos out of whole cloth? No es una problema, claro."
March 12, 2004
Seniors Should Be Given Expiration Dates To Pay For Tax Cuts, Says Greenspan
Alan Greenspan acknowledged recently that George W. Bush's almost fetishistic tax cuts could, indeed, make it impossible to fund Social Security, but said that it should not be a problem as long as senior citizens were given expiration dates upon which they were required to expire.
Expiration dates could be easily tattooed on the back of Americans' necks, Greenspan said. He also proposed that the expiration requirement contain a grandfather clause permitting the continued existence of extremely wealthy grandfathers.
Asked if rolling back the tax cuts was a more reasonable option than such drastic measures, Greenspan replied, "The tax cuts were absolutely necessary to allow Americans to live in a robust economy."
"For at least a little while," he added.
March 10, 2004
GOP Says Democratic "Shadow Government" Violates Laws Against Cloning
A recent initiative by Democrats to form a "shadow government" critical of the Bush Administration, on everything from foreign policy to domestic spending, violates natural and legislated laws against human cloning, say Republicans.
"This is spitting in the face of God, pure and simple," said House Majority leader Tom Delay. "It's an outrage."
Some have been urging the Democrats to create a "shadow government" -- in which a person or opposition party comments on what the people in power are doing and describes an alternate course -- but now the GOP says it is illegal.
"You see what happens when you let stem cell research go unchecked? This is precisely the kind of conduct we proscribed," said Delay. "Next thing you know, there will be two Bill Clintons."
The Democrats have created a "shadow White House" -- mostly from Legos -- a shadow cabinet, a shadow Capitol Building, and "what's the most fun," according to Terry Griebling of Menachem's List, "is the shadow Air Force One, which we're hoping we can get to fly." The shadow Air Force One is presently a large model of a plane that Democrats can put on their heads like a hat and run around with while saying "whoosh!" and "vrroom, vrooom!"
The shadow government has been formed by a coalition of some well-funded anti-Bush, pro-Democratic organizations, such as Move-On.org, Get-Out.net, and Go-Away.com.
In other news, Republicans revealed that they are against using "soft money" donations to benefit Democrats. "We're pretty much against most types of campaign finance reform, but we're very much in favor of strong restrictions on the financing of Democratic campaigns," said a spokesman for the RNC.
March 09, 2004
Rove Blameless; Only Savaged Plame And Wilson After Leak
In a new article out this afternoon investigative journalist Murray Waas reports that in an FBI interview last October Karl Rove admitted that "he circulated and discussed damaging information regarding CIA operative Valerie Plame with others in the White House, outside political consultants, and journalists."
Rove also apparently mentioned "at least six other administration officials who were involved in the effort to discredit Wilson."
However, Rove insisted that he did this only after Plame's name appeared in Novak's column; and that he was not Novak's source.
Fans of Karl Rove were relieved to hear that Rove and six other White House officials only maimed and tortured Joseph Wilson's and Valerie Plame's reputations only after some "other, less moral" person illegally had leaked Plame's identity to Robert Novak.
"I'm so happy to know that Karl's motives and methods are still unimpeachable," said Lissa Crappollinio, President of the Roviators, a prominent Rove fan club.
"He's so dreamy," she sighed.
Rove and six other White House offiicials, acting under Rove's direction to "make Wilson wish he'd never been born," and to put Plame's career "so deep in the toilet it'll only surface in a Beijing outhouse" definitely "didn't make one slur" before Novak "signalled the start of the campaign," Rove told the FBI.
The FBI interview with Rove had a rocky start at first, according to FBI Special Agent Howard Abstruse. "He kept saying, 'Do you know who I am? Do you? Do you know who the f--- you're dealing with?' And we'd say, yes, that's why we came to the White House to talk to you. And then he'd just start all over again."
"Boy, we all can breathe easier now that we now that we know that he just took someone's else's plan to discredit Wilson by ruining his wife's life," said Crappollinio.
"What a man," she sighed.
March 08, 2004
Interim Constitution Still Signed
Could Last Until Thursday, Some Say
In a watershed development in the history of , the interim constitution signed today by the Governing Council is reported to appear to be still signed as late as this afternoon, reports the Washington Post.
Moslem factions in the governing council were said to be quite happy with the document, which they said "makes a great dish towel," and "is suitable for flaming."
Some of the governing council had stronger feelings about the constitution. "This law, it suck," said council member Boswani Madbitten, "I spit on it while I sign it. I take law out to woodshed and beat it with stick, and then I sign it."
Bob Tonsil of the soon-to-be-formed American Embassy in , said, "We've made real progress. This piece of paper will easily wipe out the virulent ethnic and religious infighting that has fractured for the past century."
He was optimistic about reopening the Embassy soon. "I'm really looking forward to opening the embassy, living in a building, and eating food," he said.
Shiites Pause For Dramatic Effect Before Signing Constitution
Earlier Refusal Was Simply Ploy To Build Excitement, Says Sheik
Iraqi Shiites claimed that their refusal to sign the interim Iraqi constitution last week was just a "device to build dramatic tension," said representatives of Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani after today's signing.
"Wasn't that great? Wasn't that a cliffhanger with a magnificent surprise ending?" said Fouad Pajami, Professor of History of Mideastern Cinema at NorthWestern University. "They always intended to sign it, but isn't it more fun this way? They want to make sure that is the nation everyone loves to watch and they are succeeding."
"We've got some real twists and turns set up for the coming elections," said Butwad al'Futari, "Riots, some explosions -- but in the end everything will work out, and we will all hug. Kind of like an episode of Seventh Heaven."
Pajami indicated that al'Futari was largely correct, but said that he was probably thinking of the Iraqi hourlong family drama, "Seventh Circle of Heaven."
March 05, 2004
Report Finds Spying On Senate Democrats Detracted From Hunt For Al Qaeda
Precious Resources Diverted To Fight Against "Phantom Foe"
For the past 18 months, the hunt for al Qaeda and bin Laden was starved for resources that had been diverted to mounting a no-holds-barred offensive against a shadowy opponent that GOP members claimed "threatened the very security of the American nation."
That enemy was Senate Democrats, according to a report filed by the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms today.
According to the report, GOP aides diverted resources from the hunt for Osama to engage in unauthorized and possibly illegal spying on Senate Democrats in what they are now calling "a war of necessity."
Orrin Hatch assailed the practice, saying he was "shocked -- shocked" to hear of it -- and added that he "couldn't believe that William Bennett was gambling either."
Hatch and other Senate Republicans were pleased that, despite the unpleasantness, crucial resources diverted to the "secret war" have now been freed up, and "finally the U.S. can start hunting Osama 24/7."
"Concentrating all our resources on searching for bin Laden every hour of every day is a great idea," said White House spokesperson Squid Molineaux. "I wonder why we didn't think of it before?"
March 04, 2004
Bush Calls To Congratulate Self On GOP Nomination
After George W. Bush called John Kerry on Tuesday night to congratulate him on apparently securing the Democratic nomination, President Bush called himself to "let me know how appreciative and impressed I am at my having locked up the GOP nomination."
"It seemed like the natural and right thing to do," said Bush, recounting the phone call to several captive aides the next day.
The first couple times Bush called he got a busy signal. "Apparently I was talking to someone else, " he said.
"When I did get through, we had a nice conversation. I was very warm and personable."
Bush explained his phone calls. "I did it because I'm engaged in politics. I follow it closely. I guess you could say I'm married to it."
"I sure hope it doesn't divorce me," Bush added. "I would hate to pay the alimony."
March 02, 2004
Cheney Will Not Drop Self From Ballot, He Says
Today, Dick Cheney brushed aside speculation that he might consider replacing himself with someone else on Bush's re-election ticket.
"I've asked me to serve with Bush on the ticket again for the next four years," said Cheney in an interview with Fox News. "I told me I'm happy to do that and as long as I want me in that spot, I plan to serve," he said.
Cheney continued, "I don't know of anyone else who can pose as vice-president and totally run the country as well as I have, in accord with my wishes. I don't think anyone else could do as good a job running the country as I've dictated it should be run."
Asked whether Bush should make the decision as to who fills the Vice President's slot on the GOP ticket, Cheney said, "He already has. I told him what to decide last Tuesday."
February 26, 2004
Bush To Allow 9/11 Commission To Ask Twenty Questions
President Bush, in the spirit of fully cooperating with the 9/11 commission, has agreed to permit them to ask him twenty questions in a closed session on a Sunday behind the old gnarled oak tree next to the Thomas Jefferson memorial in the dead of night under a new moon during the Year of the Ox.
"We're confident that this compromise is one which the commission will gladly accept," said Scott McClellan. The compromise was the result of "meeting halfway" between the unlimited numbers of questions under oath in an open session that the commission wanted and the President's initial offer of no questions whatsoever in a closed session with a representative of the President, a norwegian hedgehog named Bruce.
Thomas Kean, chairman of the commission, is to ask the first question of the President, namely, "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?". The last question is expected to be "Does it require specific knowledge to use it?"
"We're pretty sure it's either a verb, or a secret," said vice-chair Lee Hamilton.
"We need to know what went wrong on 9/11 in order to make sure we're doing everything we can to make this country secure," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The President feels that there is nothing more important than making this country secure -- except, perhaps, getting reelected."
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The twenty questions are, in reverse order:
20. Is it a secret? Yes.
19. Does it require specific knowledge to use it? Yes.
18. Does it bring joy to people? No.
17. Was it invented? No.
16. Does it store information? Yes.
15. Do you use it at night? No.
14. Does it make sound? No.
13. Is it pleasurable? No.
12. Do you know any songs about it? Yes.
11. Is it considered valuable? Probably.
10. Does it grow over time? No.
9. Can it be heard? Yes.
8. Is it man made? Yes.
7. Can you get information by using it? Yes.
6. Does it help accomplish tasks? No.
5. Is it part of something larger? Yes.
4. Is it small? No.
3. Would you find it in an office? Yes.
2. Does it have writing on it? No.
1. Animal, vegetable, mineral, or other? Other.
Questions supplied by 20Q.net.
Answer not yet supplied by President Bush.
« Close It
February 25, 2004
Pentagon Report Warns Bush His Shoelaces Are Untied
Could Trip And Fall, Says Document
The White House recently became concerned about a Pentagon report warning of potential serious problems Bush could face as a result of a "footwear failure" that could "trigger a tragedy."
The report notes that Bush could fall and "skin his knee," causing him discomfort or "embarrassing the nation," and cautioned that a fall into a visiting Prime Minster or during a State visit could "ruin relations with foreign nations for years to come."
The White house has convened a commission to advise the President on the dangers of failing adequately to "secure his podiatric device" and possible remedies, such as "redundant reinforcement" -- double-knotting -- and expects a report as soon as July.
The White House has been so busy with the shoelace report, the general election campaign, and banning gay marriage, that it has not had time to look into a Pentagon report presaging a world disaster --including rioting, nuclear disaster, and apocalypse -- if global warming is not stopped, said Scott McClellan.
"Oh, we have plenty of time," said McClellan. "We have until 2020 before the world as we know it ceases to exist."
February 24, 2004
Bush Makes Recess Appropriation, Approves Budget, Passes Energy Bill, Eliminates Taxes On Corporations, Declares Congress The "First Chapel of America"
New Laws Good Until Fall of 2005, Says Rove
President Bush, having discovered the power of the "recess appointment" with his elevation of Judges Charles Pickering and William Pryor to higher courts, has invented the "recess bill," which he contends permits him to legally enact laws when Congress is not in session.
Bush said he felt the "recess bill" was a magnificent invention, and that he planned to pass several "recess amendments" to the Constitution banning gay marriage, giving more electoral votes to so-called "red states" and declaring that "just signing up for National Guard duty prior to 1990 constitutes military combat duty for purposes of a political election."
In the meantime, all GOP members of Congress have been denominated "High Priests of the Homeland" under President Bush's new "Religiosity" law passed yesterday.
"May the Lord and all wealthy corporations bless his little born-again soul," said Father Bill Frist (R- Tenn.).
February 22, 2004
Waldrobe Malfunction Delaying Iraq Elections, Says Bremer
Machinery Of Democracy Not Working Yet
J. Paul Bremer noted yesterday that technical difficulties could delay Iraq elections for up to 15 months.
"The machinery of democracy is in need of repair," he said. He explained that the U.S had over six thousand sprockets of equal rights on order and that "the government transparency module" was out of whack. Also, the United States appears to have been overcharged -- by contractor Halliburton -- for seven hundred thousand Free Speech widgets by $23 billion dollars.
"And there are a number of other technical problems delaying elections -- like the enormous number of religious Shiites who want to make this country into a fundamentalist Moslem theocracy," Bremer added.
Bleb Fusillade, a janitor for the Institute of Middle East Studies, commented, "We didn't bring the right tools, we had the wrong parts and we forgot to read the manual."
February 18, 2004
Iraqi Shiites Want To Rename Sunni Triangle "Tiny Sunni Hexagon"
Democracy in Iraq took yet another giant step forward today as Iraqi Shiites moved to reshape the Sunni triangle into the "tiny Sunni hexagon," and asked that it be excluded from elections "because it has six tiny sides."
Iraqi Sunnis protested, noting that their knowledge of Euclidian geometry showed that the shiites were trying to reduce them from a three-dimensional area to a one-dimensional point.
"It is not fair," said Suad Mothammi, a prominent Sunni cleric and mathematician. "The Shiites want to limit the election to only those people who will vote for them. I thought that you could only get away with that in Florida."
J. Paul Bremer, the U.S. overseer with godlike powers of authority over in , said that he was satisfied that Democracy would "find its way" despite what he called "quibbling" over "little things like votes."
"There's more to democracy than voting," said Bremer. "There's governing -- by which I mean soliciting campaign contributions and keeping your donors happy."
February 15, 2004
White House Budget Contains Gatefold, 12-page "Emperor's Clothes" Pictorial of Bush
Goal Was To Excite Republican Base
In a bid to make the budget more "campaign-friendly," the 2004 Budget the White released recently contained a nude pictorial on George W. Bush, including a gatefold and a section on "What I Hate" and "Things I Love."
While critics have dubbed the budget a "glorified campaign brochure," others have said that it was a desperate ploy to keep people from actually reading the budget.
"I think they just wanted folks to shudder with disgust and dump all twelve volumes in the garbage. That way no one would know they didn't even include Iraq and Afghanistan war expenditures in there, to start." said Floyd Plume, a reporter for the National Gasket.
Stalwart members of the GOP were also turned off by the pics, saying they would have preferred pictorials on luxury yachts and private jets.
In the future, the White House plans to accept advertisements for the budget, in order to defray the expense of spending increases.
"We want the budget to kind of be the Superbowl of print media," said an unidentified source. "We're hoping for, like, 10 pages from Budweiser alone."
February 13, 2004
Bush Seen In Close Contact With Jane Fonda Video
Former college roommates of George W. Bush brandished allegations that Bush had engaged in "sexual relations" with the Jane Fonda video "Barbarella."
Bush allegedly spent a great deal of time with the video, called it "her," and made everyone leave the room when he was "on a date" with it. The roommates had agreed upon a code they used to signal when they needed the room to themselves, and whenever George was watching Barbarella, he hung his jockstrap on the front doorknob.
Bush reportedly slept with the Barbarella video under his pillow; he refused to let any of us roomies watch it, claiming that they were trying to steal "his girlfriend," said roommate Casparagus "Woofty" Kling III, heir to the Woofty Clothes Softener fortune.
"Now that I recall his relationship with "Hanoi Jane" Fonda, I question his ability to lead the troops," said Woofty. "Not to mention that he also hung out with that hooker in Klute."
Intern Says Kerry And Matt Drudge Having Affair
A former intern who Matt Drudge claimed had had an affair with John Kerry called those allegations untrue, and released several photographs allegedly documenting an affair between John Kerry and Matt Drudge that had "gone on for years."
One photo shows Matt Drudge wearing his trademark goofy hat at a Washington fundrasier for desperate journalists; Kerry can be seen leaning over the hors d'oevres table seventy feet in the background. Kerry's hair appears to be munching on some skewered shrimp.
Another photograph shows John Kerry at a football game: a slightly out-of-focus Drudge is being tossed out of the press booth by legitimate sports reporters several rows up in the background.
"Obviously, these two were involved," said the intern.
The former Kerry intern, Blubba Iphagenia Fisk, intimated that news that rumors that Kerry and Drudge were once involved in a torrid affair was sending both Kerry and Drudge's spin factories into overtime preparing for what she called "a media onslaught."
The New York Times immediately published an article highlighting that insinuations entitled "Is it ethical to publish unsubstantiated assertions of bipartisan homosexual romping by Presidential candidate John Kerry?"
February 12, 2004
White House Concerned Obsession With Lying About National Guard Could Distract Nation From Current Lies
The White House is losing patience with America's preoccupation with President Bush's lies about his National Guard duty and records, said Scott McClellan.
"We tell far more important lies every day," leaked Press Secretary McClellan. "America should be concerned with what President Bush is saying today, not what he said yesterday."
Patty Flagellum, of the National Institute for the Study of Bush's Untruths, explained that the public is confused. "Allegations that the President lied about were relatively easy for Americans to understand," she said. "With the National Guard, it is hard to see where the lies are. Was President Bush lying about being AWOL in the National Guard, not being AWOL but lying about it anyway, or --regardless of the AWOL issue -- simply lying to Tim Russert when he promised to release the records?"
"There are so many possible lies, it's a staggeringly difficult job to sort them out. That's where we come in," said Flagellum, who maintains a staff of over three hundred who track, chart, graph, and organize the President's "lacks of truth."
"The National Guard issue is just one tiny flap. We have to cover all of the untruths spoken on every conceivable issue."
"This really would have been impossible before the invention of the computer," said Flagellum.
February 10, 2004
Ex-American Airlines Pilot Hired To Fly Airforce One
A former American Airlines pilot -- who lost his job after he asked all the Christians on a recent flight to raise their hands, told the other passengers to "discuss their faith" with them, and then called non-Christians crazy -- was hired today to pilot Airforce One. According to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "This guy sounds like our kind of people."
McClellan also explained that the President likes to get everyone on the plane raising their hands except Paul Wolfowitz, "who gets really pissed off."
"It's a hoot," said McClellan. "Everybody's waving their hands, and telling Wolfowitz, 'Come on, Paul, talk to us,' and Wolfowitz gets all red. It's really funny."
Attorney General John Ashcroft was said to be outraged when American Airlines took disciplinary action against the pilot. Ashcroft was poring over private records of women who had sought partial-birth abortions when he heard the news.
"God was that man's co-pilot," said Ashcroft. "The Holy Ghost was his in-flight navigator. His stewardess was Mary and his ground crew was probably Joseph. I can't tell you who refueled his plane, but I'll get back to you just as soon as I've replaced the Constitution with a copy of my personal bible."
Update: Lars Doornbos has illustrated this story. Go visit him here! You have to scroll down to the February 10 entry, no permalinks, sorry.
Cross-posted on the Daily News Online.
February 08, 2004
Bush Says Saddam Could Have Shared Weapons With Evil Cartoon Villains
President Bush: There was no doubt in my mind that Saddam Hussein was a danger to America.Bush continued, "Or maybe an evil cartoon villain -- say, a Wile E. Coyote, a Joker, a Penguin."
Tim Russert : In what way?
President Bush: Well, because he had the capacity to have a weapon, make a weapon. . . . But he had the capacity to make a weapon and then let that weapon fall into the hands of a shadowy terrorist network.
Bush alleged that Hussein may have been ready to connect to the infamous Acme corporation, and that "he could have purchased Acme Rocket Shoes and Acme Instant Exploding Birdseed from an African nation."
Bush also noted that he was concerned that, had he not invaded, Hussein might eventually have joined forces with the Riddler. "Riddle me this, Tim," Bush drawled. "When is a non-threat really a threat? When he can become a threat."
He also said that Saddam had massive quantities of hypothetical weapons that he could some day develop and manufacture. "These hypothetical wepaons were everywhere, but they hadn't been made yet, which is why the inspectors couldn't find them. It was a diabolically clever ruse. It would have succeeded except for the fact that I invaded and disarmed him."
"Give a Doctor Octopus a batch of hypothetical weapons, and I don't think he'd sit around not using them, Tim."
Tim Russert pressed Bush for answers. "But isn't Doctor Octopus an imaginary villain? A comic book chracter?"
Bush answered, "I would be careful not to denigrate the Guard. The National Guard is a fine institution, and many of our men serve with honor in it, here and in ."
February 06, 2004
Plame Leak Accidentally Pops Out Of Dick 's Office
In a moment that Dick called "a telephonic malfunction," aides to Dick revealed Valerie Plame's role as an undercover CIA officer to the whole country while entire families were watching episodes of "Survivor: White Trash Mountains of West Virginia" and "American Idol: The Golden Calf."
"It was disgusting," said Carlos Influenza of North Bend, Wyoming. "We were sitting down with our TV dinners for a wholesome evening of entertainment when, all of a sudden, the Administration flaunted this woman's non-official cover right in our faces. Little Timmy was shocked. We had to tell him all about covert operations years before he was ready for it."
The Bush Administration, which supposedly vetted the activities of the Vice-President's office, claimed that they had no knowledge of the incident before it occurred. "In rehearsals, neither 'Scooter' Libby nor John Hannah leaked in any way," said Scott McClellan.
A thorough examination of White House telephones is under way. It is said that the White House is considering forcing Libby and Hannah to attend Sunday's Grammy Awards as punishment for the debacle.
February 05, 2004
Senate Offices Closed Due To Botox Scare
The Offices of the United States Senate were closed today when a vial of what appeared to be Botox turned up in package found in the office of Sen. Earl Hollings.
Capitol employees were shaken by the discovery, which sent Senators and myriad aides scurrying home with clipboards held up to conceal their foreheads.
Representative Tom Delay declared this "the most ominous act of domestic terrorism" he had seen in a long time. There was not a wrinkle to be seen in Mr. Delay's face.
This marks the third time the Capitol has been closed in recent weeks. "First the nip and tuck scandal, then the silicon scare, and now this," said the ever-youthful Sen. John Breaux. "It's chilling."
Rumors were circulating that a search of the Senate Office building after the Botox discovery turned up countless bottles of Grecian Formula 2000 and black hair dye.
"Actually, I'm glad that the offices are closed," said Majority Leader Bill Frist. "It keeps discretionary spending down."
Headline and inspiration by Kevin Hayden of The American Street, where this story is cross-posted.
February 04, 2004
Lieberman To Enter Race For Republican Nomination
Rove In Denial
Sen. Joseph Lieberman, after dropping out of the race for the Democratic nomination, announced that he was vying for the Republicans'. Lieberman has every expectation that he will tie up the "moderate Republican" vote and carry the party.
"George W. Bush ran as a moderate and turned out to be a fanatical rightwing conservative. I will run as moderate Republican and be a conservative right-wing Democrat. I expect to win the nomination handily," said a suave, confident Lieberman this morning.
Karl Rove was said to be confident that the power of a few wealthy extreme right-wing conservatives was greater than that of the numerous middle-class moderate Republicans.
"When has a populist Republican candidate ever won?" asked Rove.
Lieberman said that Rove was right, but this wouldn't stop him. "Yes, the populist Republican candidate who ran in 2000 lost the general election.
"But he became President anyway."
February 03, 2004
Frequently Asked Questions About Ricin
Why are we talking about Ricin?
In today's more secure American environment, everyone needs to know about Ricin.
Why are we talking about Ricin now? We captured Saddam and the world is safer than it was before.
Listen, we'd be talking about Ricin a lot more if Saddam hadn't been captured.
What ever happened to those Anthrax mailers?
We're talking about Ricin here.
We never caught the people who did it, did we?
This is about Ricin! Forget about the anthrax.
How is the country safer if some guy who mailed Anthrax all over the United States is still at large?
We're talking about Ricin, damn it! Ricin! An amount the size of a grain of salt can kill you!
I thought you said we were worried about dirty bombs.
Today, we're worried about Ricin.
How come we're not doing anything about Pakistan? I heard they actually passed nuclear secrets to some of the "Axis of Evil."
Ricin could be anywhere. You can make it at home, easily and inexpensively.
And isn't bin Laden hiding in South Pakistan? How come the Pakistani government won't let us in there? Isn't our national security at stake? What are we really doing to stop terrorism?
Here. Have some Ricin.
I don't feel any safer.
February 01, 2004
Bush, Blair Nominated For Irony Awards
Awards ceremonies positively took over Opinions You Should Have for the third day in a row, as Tony Blair and George Bush were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Other nominations included Saddam Hussein, for "Most Benevolent Dictator," Dick for "Handsomest American," and former Alabama Chief Judge Roy Moore for "Champion of the Separation between Church and State."
The Nobel prize institution, which has been criticized in recent years for being "overly political" and "just silly," took pains to emphasize that the nominations this year reflected a "new seriousness," rather "a complete surrender to the absence of judgment and thought in selecting nominees," as some have said.
"George Bush brilliantly used the military to force peace upon the war-loving is," said Pietra Sjordihorgi, a Swiss philanthropist who tortures small animals to stop animal abuse.
Silica Myoderovich, a Russian scientist who boils old sneakers in order to ameliorate foul smells, commented, "Pre-preemptive war -- involving the use of military force to prevent the contemplation of activities seeking to start programs that might be focused on the development of possible weapons that could be used to start hypothetical wars -- is a brilliant idea."
"It is deserving of some form of pre-recognition," he said, turning on the Superbowl.
January 30, 2004
Capture Of Bin Laden In Preproduction; Slated For October Release
The long-awaited "Capture of Osama bin Laden" is in preproduction for a fall release, says an excited U.S. military. The film is expected to do "boffo business" at polling places all over America.
"We've already filmed some of the essential 'weapons and money found in Osama's hiding place' shots, and location scouts are narrowing in on a site for principal photography," said General Clive O'Selznick O'Hara, of the U.S. Army's 4th Cinematography Division.
"I have some brilliant ideas for shooting 'Osama," brilliant," said Col. David Stokes. "I can't say what exactly, but it's going to make the most spectacular use of flashbacks."
Special effects experts are busy planning shots of George W. Bush presenting Bin Laden, trussed like a turkey, on a platter to the American people.
"Bush will have a halo from a tightly focused ellipsoidal spot with slightly-shuttered barn doors and maybe an orange gel that we're strategically placing in the distance behind his head, or we can add it in post," said Cheryl Coccaphoon of the 2d Light Engineer's Batallion.
The Army is to apply for shooting permits in the "No Man's Land" in the south of Pakistan, but have been unable to determine yet who precisely has jurisdiction over the area.
Cross-posted at The American Street.
GOP Attempting to Lure Unnamed Democrat Back Into Race
At the suggestion of Karl Rove, Republicans are trying to get the unnamed Democratic candidate back into the race for President. Polls indicate that President Bush could have an edge over an unnamed Democratic opponent of 51 to 41.
"That's either percentage points or numbers of justices on a greatly expanded Supreme Court," explained pollster Jilly Ferprume.
Polls now indicate that the President may not do as well against a named Democratic opponent, such as John Kerry.
"We're trying very hard to get the unnamed candidate back into the race, but he has been reluctant," said Sam Guffren, a Republican advisor who wished to be quoted anonymously.
"He's short on funds, and he's been able to get this far on sheer name recognition alone," said Guffren, "but that's changing."
January 28, 2004
Democratic Dream Slate A Reality: Clark/Kerry/Edwards/Dean
Only Decision Remaining Is Which One Will Be President
Democrats were relieved to finally settle on a Democratic Dream Team Ticket consisting of Wesley Clark, John Edwards, John Kerry, and Howard Dean, even though neither the candidates nor the voters can decide exactly who should run for what.
"I want John Edwards, with John Kerry as Veep, Wesley Clark as Secretary of State, Howard Dean as the secret White House senior aid helping set domestic policy, and mustard and ketchup on the side," said Molly Hickok of Michafluen, Idaho.
"I totally agree," said Harmon Strum of Kentucky. "Except I want Kerry as President and some fries."
"It's so hard to decide," said Sally Weckleman of Ohio. "Everything looks so good."
"It''s good that Iowa and New Hampshire helped winnow the field from Howard Dean to Dean, Kerry, Edwards, and Clark," said Hugo Glockenspiel, an expatriated American living in Austin, Texas.
Glockenspiel hoped that the Democrats would finalize the ticket on February 3rd's "Super Tuesday," with its five primaries and two caucuses in seven states.
"I just hope that that won't narrow the field to the original nine," said Glockenspiel.
January 27, 2004
Bush Nominated Best Actor; Karl Rove, Best Director; Donald Rumsfeld Named For Special Effects
Today, the White House garnered a host of nominations in a crowded field for this year's Academy Awards, stunning director Peter Jackson and actors Tobe Maguire and Uma Thurman.
George W. Bush was named for Best Actor, "for his depiction of an utterly carefree man blissfully leading the nation into war."
Karl Rove was named in the Best Director category for his "stunning manipulation of a difficult medium," and Dick was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for his "scripting of scenario after scenario based on a work of fiction."
Bush was praised for his "convincing portrait of someone actually leading the country" and appearing "almost lifelike" by Sigourney Weaver, who announced the nominations this morning.
"Donald Rumsfeld was not a surprise," said Sid Fleckman of Variety. "The war was stunning. It may not have shocked and awed the is, but it certainly wowed us back home!"
Fleckman especially praised the nine-hour long POV shots from tanks driving at breakneck pace through hundreds of miles of desert.
The White House also garnered nominations for Best Cinematography for its depiction of Bush casually surprising a bunch of handpicked soldiers while holding a fake turkey.
"Now that's Hollywood," said Fleckman.
January 26, 2004
Hey, Scalia, Thanks For All The Ducks. Stop Bagging My Quail.
I and the "boys" would like to thank you for another wonderful time shooting "them thar ducks." You're right -- we should put them in a barrel next time.
I heard that Sandra Day was saying I'm a lousy shot. So I miss a few now and then. Just because I call the shots at the White House doesn't mean I can do the same thing with a shotgun! Har-har.
I hear they've just invented an amphibious monster RV at prices that start at a mere 850 grand. Next year we should get one of those babies and take it on the lake. That thing -- it's got gold and marble in every inch of it and -- gets about a quarter of a mile to a gallon. I love it. I'm going to have the Pentagon buy ten thousand of them, and offer tax breaks to anyone who picks one up.
Listen, I know you've been taking some heat about sitting in on my upcoming case. You better rule for me, or I'll leak that your wife is a CIA spy! (Just kidding.)
I don't want you to favor me just because we're hunting friends. Or because I hired your son as Acting Solicitor of Labor. Or because I get you tickets to stuff. Or because I take you to fancy dinners. Or because my oil runs your car.
I don't want you to favor me. (If anyone asks, you can tell them I said that.) I am not in the pocket of energy companies. They're in mine! Hyuck. (Don't tell them I said that!)
Antonin. What the hell kind of a name is that? Maybe I should call you Ant. "Hey, Ant, why don't you crawl over to the cooler and bring me over a beer!"
Keep your antennae out and keep your tiny head down. (Hey, you know I luv ya, ya big galoot!)
The "Dick" (Cheney)
January 22, 2004
Bush To Spend Half Billion Bucks On No-Job Training
Spending Will Halve Deficit, Says Prez
President Bush today fired the opening salvo in his reelection campaign in Ohio, announcing that he plans to pour a half billion dollars in credit card cash advances into "Lack of Job Training for the 21st Century."
The money is to be spent helping people adapt to the needs of emerging industries in the George W. Bush domestic economy. Under the program, training for everyone from young college students to retirees will be available in the growing fields of bankruptcy, unemployment counseling, and building homeless shelters. There will also be training for Repo Men.
"I'm very excited to be able to reach out to the people of Ohio and give them this helping hand. That's what our tiny Federal government was meant to do."
January 21, 2004
Network And Cable Coverage Of State Of The Union More Balanced Than Ever
JOHN: We're back with more of our liberally biased and objective coverage of the President's State of the Union. Bob?
BOB: It was a masterful speech, strong and hardy -- like some of Campbell's soups, John.
JOHN: I think that's right. How was the delivery? We turn to drama critic Norman Lickspittle.
LICKSPITTLE: He pronounced all the words correctly, John, and punched all the right syllables. He's ready for Hamlet.
JOHN: Exactly, I thought so. Substance, Bob?
BOB: Well, Bush did exactly what he had to do: he told the Republicans that everything was all right and it was going to continue on course and get better, and he acknowledged to the Democrats that everything was broken but he had solid plans to fix everything. He praised his strengths, or created them out of whole cloth, and glossed over or plain didn't mention his failures.
LISA GIBBLER: He was aware but not aloof, in control, but not dictatorial, confident but concerned -- he struck the perfect balance, hit the perfect tone.
JOHN: He earned every single moment of applause that occurred, all 365 outbursts--
BOB: And that was just from us. Half of the Congressional Gallery applauded the speech 67 times--
JOHN: But not as heartily as we did, Bob. President Bush also adequately kindled the spark of fear in each and every American while assuring Americans that, as long as he's in office, they have nothing to be afraid of.
BOB: He reflected the mood of the country. He was complaisant, superficial, full of homilies and platitudes -- one of the great State speeches ever, John.
JOHN: I don't know which awed me more the speech -- or the man. They were both so, so . . .
JOHN: Yes. Now: let's hear from a conservative voice.
January 19, 2004
Judith Steinberg Dean Actually Judith Dean Martin
Explains A Lot
Today, the Rat Pack's Peter Lawford revealed that the woman calling herself Judith Steinberg Dean, the wife of Democratic contender Howard Dean, is actually Dean Martin. He claimed that Martin had not died, but instead had a secret "sexual identity transplant" years ago, and that he had "found a new life.'
"You can understand why they've been hesitant to let her go on the campaign trail," said Brandon Lawford, a nephew who speaks for the dead Peter Lawford.
Lawford noted that Howard Dean was unaware of Judith Dean's terrible secret until a year ago, when Judith's impromptu performance of "Everybody Loves Somebody" at a small cocktail party sent a shock of recognition through the room that ended with a stunned silence. It was an unsettling revelation for the ambitious Governor of Vermont.
"Now you know why Howard Dean's so angry," said Lawford.
Lawford said that although it has been difficult for the couple, they have managed to accept things as they are and make some kind of peace with each other.
Sometimes Howard and the rest of the Dean family gather together to watch as Judith dangles a cigarette from her lips, takes a sip of a martini and sings, "That's Amore."
January 15, 2004
U.S. To Invade Mars
Mars Considering Preemptive Attack; Rover Held Hostage
President Bush announced yesterday that he was putting into effect plans to invade Mars "as soon as possible in order to free the 'bound water' we've been hearing so much about."
"This bound water -- held hostage to a forbidding environment, unable to enjoy any of the freedoms or liberties we have here in America -- needs to be . . . unbound," said Bush. He proposed a costly program to establish a way station on the Moon and space troop transports. President Bush has reportedly watched "Starship Troopers" twelve times in the past week and a half.
Critics noted that the President's motives did not ring true, particularly in light of Dick 's remarks last week that "we have every reason to beleive that Mars is tied to al Queda. For one thing, look at Mars. Looks just like Afghanistan." Condoleeza Rice has also been heard speculating that Hussein had moved his WMD's to Mars "in a last ditch effort to bamboozle the United States."
Dr. Erich von Whiffleheim agreed that President Bush's proffered reason for the Mars invasion rang false. "This is water 'bound' in ze porous rock of Mars. It doesn't need to be freed. It is quite indifferent to its zituation." Dr. Whiffleheim is a psychiatrist.
Mars did not take President Bush's declaration well, insisting that "inspections by the craft you have named after your leader's senior advisor" -- the rover -- "have been working. We fail to understand why the U.S. disregards diplomacy in its mad rush to war. That is all. Beep." The rover is now transmitting only its name, serial code, and copyright, and is believed to be in custody.
January 14, 2004
White House To Promote Marriage Of Neil Bush And Britney Spears
The White House is planning to spend $1.5 billion to promote the institution of marriage. It is starting by encouraging Neil Bush and Britney Spears to act as "marital role models" and marry each other.
The marriage of Britney Spears and Neil Bush is to kick off the epic celebration of the sacred institution, and to demonstrate "just how special marriage is," according to Gladys Halfwit of the U.S. Commission on Marriages Sanctioned By The Conservative Base.
After the ceremony, Britney will perform "Oops, I Did It Again," and the couple will then honeymoon in Thailand, "a favorite of Neil's," said Halfwit.
Britney, who is a republican, said through a spokesperson, "Marry Neil Bush? I mean, ewww. How gross is that? But it's my duty to the country."
Neil Bush again noted that he lives an absolutely charmed life.
"The real question," leaked Dick , "is whether $1.5 billion is enough, given the current deficit, to spend on marriage. Hell, I know lots of guys who spent way more than that getting divorces."
January 13, 2004
U.S. Revises Self-Rule Plan; Replaces Caucuses With Caucasians
Responding to the demands of powerful Shiite leader Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani to get rid of caucuses as a method of selecting members of an interim i government, the United States has swiftly revised its initial plan and replaced the caucuses with caucasians.
The revised plan came about after senior advisors met with President Bush about the Ayatollah's concerns and discussed the planned caucuses.
"I had no idea there were so many caucasians in ," said Bush. "Do they have black people there too?"
Despite attempts to explain to President Bush that the staff wanted to replace the caucuses with caucuses -- albeit "more transparent" caucuses than originally planned, whatever that means -- President Bush insisted that they tell the Ayatollah that "there's nothing wrong with caucasians choosing an interim government in ."
The new plan is for a bunch of U.S. government supplied white people to choose the i interim government.
"It's very similar to the old plan, but it's more transparent," said Brent Doogledorf, a White House press spokesperson.
January 12, 2004
Bush Claims He Is Not Puppet, Says Rove
Strings to Be Adjusted Wednesday
President Bush responded today to charges by Former Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill that Bush was disengaged and seemed to be doing the bidding of other senior White House advisors. President Bush, sitting on the knee of Karl Rove, fiercely denied being a "puppet" or a "dummy" controlled by others. Rove's lips were barely moving when Bush spoke to the press today.
"I'm simply not a puppet," said Bush, while Karl Rove attempted to drink a glass of water, but ended up spilling it down his shirt. "I'm my own man."
The White House announced today that President Bush would have his strings adjusted at a hospital on Wednesday, and that the treatment was simply routine.
"Sometimes the President's mouth gets stuck," said Dick Cheney. "You'll have your hand up his back and pull the string and something weird comes out of his mouth. That just pisses me off."
Dick Cheney, who ordered that the U.S. attack as early as January, 2001, and Karl Rove, who dictated the tax cuts, complained that "sometimes the President doesn't respond to his controls as well as we would like."
Floyd Raisenette, an "imagineer" for the Disney Corporation, is to have a look at Bush later this week to see if Bush can be fitted with sophisticated audioanimatronics, the robotics devices Disney uses to, among other things, animate the presidents in "The Hall of Presidents" at DisneyWorld.
"I know we already have one," said Floyd. "But it pretty much just grins and nods. If it's going to say 'Everything's absolutely perfect,' all the time, it's going to have to refitted."
January 10, 2004
Official White House TranscriptBush: Are we ready? Where the hell is everyone?
President Bush showed little interest in policy discussions in his first two years in the White House, leading Cabinet meetings "like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people," former Treasury secretary Paul H. O'Neill says in an upcoming book on the Bush White House.
Secretary Rumsfeld: What the hell did he say?
Secretary Powell: Huh?
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Bush: Can we get this meeting started? These people are always late.
Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm against the draft. That would be politically disastrous.
Secretary Snow: There is quite a draft here, but this economy is booming. I made $100,000 in investments in just the past week.
Bush: I think the Titans could go all the way this year.
Rumsfeld: What? I was talking about my memos!
Bush: [mumbling, to self] Place bet on Titans.
Secretary of Agriculture Veneman: His mouth keeps moving but nothing comes out. [to herself, whispered] Just like the campaign.
Bush: I have a workout, lunch, and a nap to get to, people.
Secreratry Veneman: Just don't eat the beef.
Secretary of the Interior Norton: Leaf? No, no, we burned those down.
Attorney General Ashcroft: Terrorists abound? Yes, yes. I just want it to be clear that, above all, I'm against naked statuary.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Thompson: I don't need an actuary. Rich people live longer, that's final. Look at .
Secretary of Labor Chao: I'm not against polyvinyl if it means an increase in manufacturing jobs.
Bush: Guys, turn the lights back on. [starts groping about]
Secretary of Education Rod Paige: Whoa!! Mr. President, is that you, or is that a child in my behind?
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January 08, 2004
Jeb Bush Launches Faith-based Postal Service
Sinners Can Opt-Out, But Will End Up In Hell, Bush Says
Gov. Jeb Bush told nearly 800 prisoners Wednesday that religion can help lead them to a better life as he dedicated the nation's first faith-based prison -- an institution officials hope will lead to fewer repeat offenders.Florida governor Jebediah Bush launched the country's first faith-based postal system today, pledging to "carry the mail of the faithful." He said that non-believing sinners could opt-out of the system, but cautioned that only his postal system took letters "back and forth with God's blessing."
Gospel choirs and religious statuary have been added to post offices throughout the state. Inside, the offices have the standard service windows for registered and unregistered mail, packages, and express mail, and a new window for confessions.
At a dedication ceremony today, postal workers were met with cries of "Sort it!" and "Send that letter!" as a choir sang "I Write The Words," a gospel rendition of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs."
Governor Bush says he cannot promise that letters to God will be met with answers. "Despite my enhanced relationship with the Lord I cannot promise that. But it can happen. Just rememember to include a SASE."
January 07, 2004
Bush To Put "Stop Order" On Swing Voters; May Not Vote For Democrat Until End Of Year
Just as the Pentagon recently issued a "stop order" prohibiting soldiers from leaving the Army when their commitments expire, Karl Rove enacted a Presidential "stop order" requring all swing voters to continue to vote Republican until the end of 2004.
The order doesn't just restrict the conduct of individual voters, but forces Ohio, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee, Nevada and eleven other states to give their electoral votes to the Republican presidential candidate in the November election.
The order also requires that the Supreme Court vote to reinstate Bush if it "comes down to that."
The White House responded to criticisms that the order makes a mockery of democracy. "Not at all," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "Just as with the military order, extreme measures are justified by extreme times. In the interest of national security, the President has ordered that he be reelected. There's nothing untoward about that."
Tom Daschle made one of his strongest announcements to date, again demonstrating why the Democrats depend upon him to lead the party. "This order needs to be looked at," said Daschle. "We're going to look at it and get back to you. So there."
A poll of Americans revealed that over 56% of the American public were untroubled by the order. "If that's what the President says we need to do, then I guess we should do it," said Sylvia Blipner, a housewife with three doctorates from Yale. "I mean, he's the President."
Ms. Blipner went out of her way to mention, however, that she was immensely troubled that Kelly Clarkson had been "screwed out of her rightful place as World Idol."
"I mean, that's a crime."
January 02, 2004
Regarding The Stewardship Of The American Empire
President Bush's chief of staff dismissed as "a moot point" any lingering question about whether Bush relied on faulty intelligence to justify the invasion of .To The Secretary Of The Press:
Please accept the following advice on which to base your intercourse with the gentlemen in the press gallery. It is my observation that the stories to which that brood assign great importance are, in fact, of little consequence to the course of this great Nation. This is especially true when you accept that everything we do is right. It will be mutually beneficial to the members of the press and this institution to convince the People that this is the case. I therefore forward to you my recommendations for addressing inquiries about these matters.
1. The War With Iraq
Moot. It is, of course, not of the least moment the substance of the communications between the American President and the People over whom he presides, in urging them to accept that most consequential of decisions -- the decision to go to war. When the President himself is confident that, whatever the reason, war is necessary, that is the end of the inquiry. This is especially true where, as here, the war has satisfactorily been concluded and some matter of substance has been gained, even if the initial momentum toward war be founded upon a flagrant misunderstanding of the situation.
Please continue to avoid any discussion of our efforts to diminish the accumulating costs of caring for and transporting our wounded and dead.
2. The Incident Concerning Madame Plame
Moot. I merely reiterate our longstanding position: Madame Plame's reputation for the transaction of surreptitious activities was the subject of many a Washington conversation and her identity altogether less than clandestine; she was not an Agent, but was merely an Analyst; and Robert Novak is not really a writer, in even the broadest definition afforded the title.
We are confident that none of the highest-ranking members of our institution can be connected to the scandal, and we may continue to deny involvement without fear of rapprochemént.
3. The Reduction of Tax Levies Upon The Affluent
Moot. The alleviation of governmental pressure upon the monied classes is beneficial to the economic health of the Nation, and will prove so once the money trickles onto the heads of the fortunate subjects remaining below.
The measure of stock market value is again inclining upward, the purses of the privileged are bulging, and the lending of money is at a most felicitous apex. No more need be said.
4. The Lack Of Gainful Employment For The Lower And Middle Classes
The constant harping upon the temporary loss of remuneration among those of the less fortunate classes is thankfully easing now. The recurrent lowering of the rate of the primary interest to virtually nothing has finally introduced into the national economy some life-giving warmth, not unlike the body of one forced to imbibe a draft of holiday cheer in order to chase away the pallor of neglect. In our circumstance, we have poured enough sherry into the body to wash it away, but it has finally brought some vigor to the near corpse that is the economy. We may thus claim victory and ensure the public that a return to full employment is near; we can only hope that we can maintain our present course until after the election.
More to the point, surely these people have something to do with their now-copious free time.
5.The Election Of The Austrian Strongman
We must maintain a relationship with Mr. Schwarzenegger of sufficient character that we may take credit for his successes and maintain distance from his failures. In this way we have some hope of carrying the state, however imbalanced it may be, in November.
6. The Possibility Of Gaps In Our Control Of Domestic Terrorism
With respect to the discovery of implements of cataclysmic impact at home, it is best that we not speak of this at all. It is my hope that our inattention to these matters does not receive unfavorable attention due to the occurrence of an untoward incident. As you know, it would be difficult to pursue those objectives we adjudge favorable to the course of the Nation were we to focus upon such. We must make sacrifices in order to ensure our occupation of the White House and secure our ability to work toward the Greater Good.
With Great Sincerity, I Remain
Yours, etc., etc.,
Chancellor Karl Rove
December 30, 2003
Ashcroft More Than Confident He Has Already Destroyed Plame Investigation, Steps Down
John Ashcroft leaked today that he would recuse himself three months after he began the investigation of his closest friends and advisors, because "it would be difficult to damage the investigation further at this time."
Ashcroft was particularly happy that he'd been able to delay the request of important White House documents until he had given the White House an opportunity to destroy them.
The investigation was handed over to the completely impartial presently sitting U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald, who was appointed as U.S. Attorney by Ashcroft himself, and who depends on the favor of the White House to keep that position.
"I've been told to say that my impartiality cannot be questioned," said Fitzgerald.
"I promise this investigation won't fizzle out, and that just because we end up indicting some low grade staffer, that will absolutely not mean that we failed to push this investigation toward a high level White House official who pays the salary of the man who pays my salary."
Democrats praised Ashcroft for waiting only three months to recuse himself. "Now we can be assured that justice will be done!" cried Sen. Chuck Schumer. "I am thoroughly satisfied, and it doesn't bother me in the least that Mr. Ashcroft read each and every memo on the investigation for the past three months, often redrafting them. God bless America. Excuse me, I have to go vote for a bloated GOP-written bill that's totally against the interest of my party."
FBI Explains: Almanacs Key To Dillinger's Capture, Others
The FBI has warned police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.
"All Points Bulletin," Special Agent Floyd Netty radioed. "Be on the lookout for an olive-skinned man carrying an almanac and favoring his left leg. That is all."
"Almanacs were the key to our greatest arrests," explained Netty. "Bonnie and Clyde carried a big old almanac; Dillinger had one on his pocket watch chain; Capone had a stooge with an almanac with him at all times. Follow the almanacs, you find the criminals," he said.
The FBI has also asked citizens to look out for olive-skinned individuals with strange accents asking for directions to "the nearest large gathering of peoples who are wanting to be infected" and "are you knowing the way to many softest targets in the area."
But modern criminals disagreed with the FBI's approach. "I never carry an almanac no more," said Mohammed al Ackbar, a terrorist in a sleeper cell in Detroit. "I have a GPS in my palm pilot that has a complete readout of nuclear power plants in the entire ecountry. Very handy."
Mr. Ackbar said that it was not inconceivable that terrorists would carry almanacs, however. "I am finding the almanac very fascinating," he said. "Are you knowing that the walleye is the official fish of South Dakota?"
December 28, 2003
Mad Cow Actually Only "Mildly Neurotic," Says Bush
Today, President Bush declared that an infected cow afflicted with mad cow disease had been only "mildly neurotic," and urged calm.
"Everything's just fine, the way it always has been, the way it always will be," said Bush. "This is going to be a great year for America, and a slightly imbalanced cow isn't going to ruin that one little bit."
"I'm still eating plenty of beef," he added. "I think everyone will agree that I'm not insane yet." The President chopped the air for emphasis about 60 times, and then laughed for five or ten minutes without stopping.
Bush called the press conference to rebut allegations that his administration -- which some say projects an air of complete certainty about the future and the results of its actions or inactions -- failed adequately to prepare for or safeguard against the spectre of mad cow disease and the economic consequences of the outbreak.
"That cow wasn't paranoid," said Bush. "We were out to get it," and laughed again.
"Beef," said the President, closing out the press conference. "The other red meat."
December 26, 2003
U.S. Upset That French Released Airline Passengers Without Probable Cause
Should Have Detained Passengers A Year Or Two, Says Ashcroft
On Thursday, French officials said they had released all the passengers, including one French citizen, one American, one German and several Algerians. "There was absolutely nothing there," said a spokesman for the French Interior Ministry.John Ashcroft and other high ranking Bush Administration officials said the French were "soft on terror" after they released all the passengers booked on six Air France flights to Los Angeles after a mere ten hours. Authorities believed that some of the passengers may have had links to al Qaeda and may have had plans to do something in the future to someone or something somewhere.
"This is not the way we deal with terrorists in the United States," said Ashcroft. "If you're serious, you detain everybody for at least a year."
Andy Card agreed. "The French had no reason to believe that any of those passengers was not connected to terrorism, but still they just let them march right out of custody and back to their lives and families. Pathetic."
"I guess it must be a froggy thing," said Ashcroft.
At first officials suspected that those who showed up to board the flight could be terrorists, but they now suspect that those who did not show up to take the flight could be terrorists.
December 25, 2003
A Visit To The Holiday Mailbag
Every year, I try to gussy up the place here to reflect the holiday spirit, get some fancy java-run animated reindeer and so on, and every year, instead of adding some decent graphics, I ask you to simply close and open your eyes rapidly and imagine twinkling red and green lights. Isn't that pretty?
Christmas is the day the crew at OYSH open up our presents: the letters and packages in the holiday mailbag! We've tried to answer your most vexing questions.
If Santa knows whether you've been naughty or nice, how is he different than John Ashcroft?
Santa never lost an election to a dead man. Santa likes statues of naked chicks. Santa is a snappier dresser. Santa doesn't write crappy songs. I could go on all day.
If you're so smart, how come you're not President?
I don't know. I wasn't elected either. It hardly seems fair. I say all those who weren't elected President should take turns running the country. I call the Lincoln bedroom.
Is Wolfowitz an elf?
Yes, but a very angry elf.
Is a Christmas card that says "Peace on Earth" unpatriotic?
If you have to ask, you're this close to being indicted.
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What is a blog? What is a blob?
There is no spoon.
Is eggnog good for you?
Not if it's got mad eggnog disease.
Can I enjoy Christmas with my family, knowing that Dick is suffering?
This is a trick question.
When Tom Ridge mentions homeland security should I worry?
Yes. You should worry.
Why does Santa have a beard. I thought only evil doers like Saddam, Castro and bin Laden had them? Should I let him in my house?
All I know is that Lorne Green is, like, the devil. Does he have a beard?
This is just the top of the mailbag. More later. Happy Holidays!
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December 23, 2003
Lenny Bruce Granted Posthumous Pardon; Kerry Campaign Almost Ready To Seek Same
New York Governor Geroge Pataki today granted Lenny Bruce a posthumous pardon for cursing in public, prompting Kerry's campaign to announce that they would seek a pardon as well, as soon as the campaign was officially pronounced dead. (Kerry was recently assailed by Republicans for cursing in a Rolling Stone magazine interview .)
"We don't think we can seek posthumous relief for several weeks yet," said Kylie Fatigas, a Kerry campaign staffer.
Experts say the campaign still has a weak pulse and exhibits shallow breathing, although everyone agrees that brainwave activity stopped "a good while back."
December 22, 2003
Threat Level Raised To "Orange-er"
"High-ish" Risk Present, Says Ridge
The Homeland Security Department raised the threat level to "orange-er" Sunday, noting the the risk level was "higher-ish" than it had been when the threat level was last raised to orange.
"The risk may be greater than at any time since September 11," said Ridge, noting that the level of terrorist chatter had reached the threshold that intelligence officials called "loud cocktail party blather."
"We 're encouraged, however, that the chatter hasn't yet reached the level of 'boisterously drunken boasting' -- 'B.D.B.'" said CIA official Matt Whelk.
The last time that the threat level was raised to orange, Ridge said that a terrorist attack was "almost certain." The threat level is higher this time because a terrorist attack is "almost more certainer," said Ridge.
"If that's the case, Secretary Ridge," said reporter Anthea Flisk, "How come the level hasn't been raised to Code Red, or Severe?"
"We can't do that," said Ridge. "Going to red means we have to put Vice-President in a sealed capsule the size of a muffin."
December 19, 2003
Democrats Declare Nader Enemy Combatant; Nader Abducted And Detained
Nader A Clear Threat To The Security Of The Nation, Candidates Say
In a rare show of cooperation between members of the same political party, candidates Wesley Clark and Howard Dean declared Ralph Nader to be an "enemy combatant" today. Forces said to under the control of retired General Wesley Clark moved swiftly to make a "citizen's arrest" and spirited Nader away to an undisclosed location.
"If Nader is allowed to run for President again, the whole nation will suffer," said Clark.
"I supported this action not just because of Nader's potential candidacy, but also because of Nader himself," Dean agreed. "I'm surprised nobody's thought of doing this before."
Nader has not been provided access to an attorney "because he is one," said Howard Dean.
Strangely, no one, not even the Republican Party or Nader's supporters, protested the abduction and seclusion of Nader.
"The guy's a freaking menace to society," Dick Cheney said while warming his hands in the pockets of a very large oil company.
John Ashcroft applauded the action, noting that, as far as he's concerned, detention of an American citizen by another American citizen "is entirely lawful."
"Listen" said a former Nader supporter. "What difference does it make? All those enemy combatants are exactly alike."
December 16, 2003
Constant Medical Exams Of Saddam Turn Up Missing WMD
Enough Toxin In Tonsils To Infect Many Other Tonsils, Experts Say
Doctors who had examined Saddam Hussein over 647 times in the 24 hours following his arrest say they have found all of the missing WMD on Saddam Hussein's person.
"Now we know why his beard was so big and bushy," said one doctor.
Saddam's throat contained two fake tonsils that contained deadly biochemical toxins. "There was enough toxin in one of those fake tonsils to infect all of the tonsils in several major American cities," said Claire Daloon, of the Mississippi BioTech Center.
"People thought we were spending an inordinate amount of time inspecting Saddam, but it all paid off," said General Major Kirk Binomial of the 3rd Expeditionary Force.
Saddam's enormous bushy beard contained several mobile bioweapons labs, twelve Scud missiles, some African yellowcake enclosed in a lead capsule, and a dachshund named Mordecai, who had disappeared in early March.
"Not only is America a lot safer now," Binomial said, "but Mordecai and his owner have been happily reunited."
President Bush declared the discovery of the WMDs "exactly what he had expected all long."
"That's the problem with missing WMDs," scoffed Bush. "They're always in the last place you look for them."
December 14, 2003
Model For Toppled Statue Found
Found While Posing For Sculpture Of Man In Deep Hole
The model who was the basis for the famous Baghdad "Toppled Statue" was located today in what authorities call a "hole."
"It's really great," said Paul Bremer. "I'm pretty sure we'll have democracy inside of a week now."
Iraqis greeted the news with jubilation, and announced that they would now "get rid of all these warring tribes and factions," convert to Christianity, and form a stable democracy tomorrow.
"I'm really impressed," said Jorge Ipliano, a U.S. expert and consultant on terrorism. "It's amazing how quickly we can subdue and capture a castrated dictator."
The U.S. expects the entire Middle East region to stabilize by week's end, and terrorism to disappear from the planet as late as Thursday.
December 12, 2003
France, Germany Crap On White House Carpet
Bush, Again, Smacks Countries On Nose With Rolled-Up Newspaper
President Bush was dealt a setback today in his efforts to train France and other countries to roll over when France and several other nations took large dumps on the rug.
"Gol' durn it," said Bush. He locked all the offending countries in the basement without supper.
"I don't understand," said a perplexed Bush as he fed small treats to the extremely cute nation Birkina Faso, which was curled up at his feet.
"I can't figure out why it's so hard to get these nations to do a few tricks," he said.
James Baker has been brought in to try and bring errant nations to heel.
"Sit!" Baker told Russia, but the only result of his command was that Andy Card quickly threw himself into a chair.
President Bush has countless hoops set up in the back yard for other countries to jump through.
"Some of them countries will go through every single one," he mused. "Some of them -- well, I guess we just haven't broken them yet."
December 09, 2003
Gore To Claim He Invented Dean, Says GOP
Al Gore is set to claim today that he invented Howard Dean, according to GOP stalwarts.
"That guy's just a wacko who takes credit for everything," said Tod Wanksmen, aide to RNC chief Marc Racicot.
Soon-to-be-former Democratic candidates reacted to the announcement.
"If Al Gore wants to say he invented Dean, I have to respect his sorry, lying ass," said Sen. Joseph Lieberman. "I promised not to badmouth Al, and I will respect that, and I have respected that, and I will continue to run the same fine campaign that I--" whereupon Lieberman stopped, having droned himself into a deep coma.
John Kerry, through a spokesman, said, "Al Gore can go fuck himself."
Richard Gephardt had this to say: "Richard Gephardt was standing right next to Al Gore when he invented Howard Dean, and together we forged Howard Dean, and I remember telling Al Gore, you better invent Howard Dean, and I'm glad that Al Gore listened to me when I gave him that sage advice."
General Wesley Clark was too busy campaigning to comment. Dennis Kucinich, Carol Mosely Braun were too busy pretending to campaign.
Al Sharpton said, "I'll tell you this. Al Gore didn't invent Al Sharpton! That's something you can't cook up in a lab. I'll let you in on a litttle secret. I invented Al Gore."
December 08, 2003
White House Tells Kerry To Shut The Fuck Up
The White House today asked for an apology from Sen. John Kerry for telling Rolling Stone magazine that Bush had "f--ed up" .
"He should shut the fuck up," said Andy Card, White House Chief of Staff. "He should fucking shut up already."
Dick Cheney said, "That man is a fucking embarrassment to the national political intercourse."
Kerry was last said to be mulling over telling White House staffers to go fuck themselves.
It was a refreshing moment for Kerry, who has gotten little positive press during his campaign for the presidency before this. Campaign staffer Diane Freckler said, "We're going to savor each last fucking moment."
December 07, 2003
Bush Aims High -- Will Send Man To Moon, May Even Stop Global Warming, Provide Homeland Security
President Bush recently outlined a wish list of lofty goals to pursue over the next several years, mentioning sending more men to the moon, promoting longevity, ending child hunger, or even stopping global warming and providing actual security in the homeland.
"We are thinking about providing real funding to the Homeland Security Department," leaked Dick Cheney, "with the goal of actually making the nation secure. Or maybe we could establish a permanent outpost on the moon instead."
"You have to admit the moon outpost option is a lot sexier," leaked Karl Rove.
Nine out of ten Democrats said that sending a man to the moon was an excellent goal, as long as that man was George W. Bush. "We don't have much money to spend on big goals," said Democrat Kirsti Summers, who was taking up a collection, "but sending Bush to the moon could end up saving us trillions."
December 04, 2003
In Reversal, Dean To Move Secret Papers to Bush Library
Howard Dean, who has been under fire for keeping records of his governorship under seal, has backed away from his earlier statements that he would review the records with a mind toward making them public. Instead, Dean plans to move his records to the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library in Texas, "so that they can remain sealed forever," said Dean.
Dean's papers will be placed next to the records of George W. Bush's Texas governorship.
"If it's good enough for President Bush, it's good enough for me," said Dean. "The more I thought about it, a ten-year seal just doesn't seem like long enough.'
Howard Dean's papers will thus join, in spirit if not in location, the records of Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, all of which have been squirreled away to protect them from the prying eyes of the public.
"Secrecy may be the enemy of a democracy," said Sue Polliwog, a prominent GOP pollster, "but it is a great friend of the politician."
December 03, 2003
Liberal Bloggers Willing To Do Anything To Demonstrate Problems With DieBold Voting Machines
Manipulate Blogosphere Ecosystem To Make a Point
Not only is the country's leading touch-screen voting system so badly designed that votes can be easily changed, but its manufacturer is run by a die-hard GOP donor who vowed to deliver his state for Bush next year.Liberal bloggers, in an attempt to demonstrate that Diebold voting machines are flawed and need paper trails, manipulated N.Z. Bear's famous Blogosphere Ecosystem to make their blogs appear more popular than Britney Spears' official website.
The so-called "League of Liberals" hacked into the Diebold software underlying the Ecosystem, which ranks blogs by importance, visibility, traffic, and readership, collecting electronic information about each blog on the web. N.Z. Bear, proprietor of the ecosystem, said that he was installing paper trails immediately.
The lack of a paper trail has been wreaking havoc in other electronic systems.
In Nebraska, marriages are conducted electronically in "paperless" ceremonies. As a result, numerous husbands and wives have been caught attempting to hack the marriage database.
In one extreme attempt, Wendy Luskin was forced to collect receipts from romantic dinners just to demonstrate that she and her husband dated, after he had deleted their marriage entirely and altered the database to indicate that he had instead married 27-year-old bikini model Bambi Tarkington.
In another incident, Samantha Thud deleted husband Brad's birth certificate from central government computers, showing, as she had often told him, that he did not exist.
"Electronic votingsk system is not problem," said The Commissar, an election systems expert. "Problem is voting scheme where you do not know results before election, da?"
December 02, 2003
A Letter to General Abizaid From the Field
The US military has said it believes 54 insurgents were killed in intense exchanges in the northern Iraqi town of Samarra on Sunday but commanders admitted they had no bodies. . . .
Lieutenant Colonel Ryan Gonsalves, who commands the 166th Armoured Battalion in Samarra, also said his troops were not in possession of the bodies. The death toll, he said, was "based on the reports we got from the ground."General:
I have reconstructed the number of enemy wounded and killed in action during the recent engagement in Samarra. At least fifteen is were shot by soldiers with their M-1 rifles. No surprise there. But it is truly amazing what the rest of our soldiers did, and I myself would not beleive it if I hadn't heard it with my own ears.
Cpl. John Frolick shot two Iraqis, ran out of ammo, and constructed makeshift bullets out of chewing gum, MRE's, and tobacco -- then killed seven more. Pvt. Enrique Johnson bayoneted seven Iraqis, and then constructed an elaborate booby trap made from the deck of 52 wanted cards that exploded if anIraqi picked the Ace of Clubs. He tells me he killed fifteen with this device. Sgt. Sheila Carnahan informed me, while we were talking about her otherwise poor performance in the platoon, that she strangled twenty-four Iraqis with her bare hands and bayonetted eight with a hairpin. I now can recommend her for an immediate promotion and a swift commendation. And Johnson told Carnahan that he heard that dumb Joe Flannery -- you remember? The guy who accidentally blew up the canteen stateside? -- fell on several Iraqis and crushed them with some heavy ordinance he was carrying at the time of the ambush. I figure that that adds up to about 56 or so.
I am absolutely proud of the job that our men have told me they did. We may not be as good at counting as we are at killing, but next time, we hope to have a body or two around to assist us in our mathematical endeavors.
Lt. Col. John Festering, Extremely Commanding
166th Armored Battalion
November 30, 2003
Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To Undisclosed Location
Shares Thanksgiving Dinner With Grateful Undisclosed Personnel
Vice-President Dick Cheney, on Thanksgiving Thursday, surprised dozens of secret undisclosed location personnel, who have not seen their families for years, dropping in suddenly and sharing a dinner consisting of undisclosed items which "may or may not have incldued a turkey," leaked a White House spokeswoman.
The grateful personnel usually live on food squeezed out of tubes, undisclosed people said.
Cheney was reportedly happy to make the trip, since it was he who had suggested, along with Karl Rove, that Bush make the dangerous journey to Baghdad, just as he had suggested that Bush make dangerous landings on aircraft carriers before.
"I like it when he makes a really spectacularly dangerous landing," Cheney grimaced. "It's damn exciting. You know -- wondering if he will make it and so on."
Under questioning by reporters, Cheney responded, "No, no, no, you have it all wrong. I would not put the President in harm's way just for a political photo opportunity. In this case, we also gave Rupert Murdoch's Fox News a really great scoop."
November 27, 2003
Pardoned Turkey Suffering From Survivor Guilt
Rest Of Family Presented On Dining Tables Throughout America Today
Stars, the turkey pardoned by President Bush just days ago, is having extreme difficulty adjusting to his "survivorship," according to prominent animal psychologists.
Dr. Frank Giblet said that Stars is liable to be an underachiever, to experience low self-esteem, will have difficulty coping with success, and has a much higher likelihood of becoming addicted to steroid- and antibiotic-laced feed.
"You can see it already," said Giblet. "His gobble is weak and dissolute. It's more like a gooble." Giblet added that Stars' turkey "trot" had become little more than a meander.
Stars will soon be taking part in group sessions with other survivors, including Colleen Haskell and Rupert Boneham.
Happy Thanksgiving! (Don't be too guilty about tucking into Stars' cousin Joey.)
November 26, 2003
At The Congressional Hotel, Democrats Sleeping In
Despite wake-up call after wake-up call, "movers" and "shakers" in the Democratic Party have elected to sleep in for "a good part of the 21st century," said Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Ca).
"We've received so many wake-up calls that I've disconnected the phone," said one senator.
Democrats received a wake-up call during the midterm elections, but most of them simply ordered room service. Tom Daschle installed a DVD player in his room and has watched "many enjoyable movies." Richard Gephardt wandered the halls aimlessly, telling anyone he ran into that he "meant well."
After bungling the handling of the Florida recount in 2000, Democrats managed to sleep through round after round of tax cuts ballooning the deficit, gave Bush the authority to invade Iraq -- nuking the economy and any hope for Middle East equilibrium -- and have now successfully passed the largest entitlement program for insurance and pharmaceutical companies ever proposed.
Senators Hilary Clinton, John Breaux, and Joe Biden responded forcefully to the dramatic, watershed failure of the party, ordering extra pillows and asking that the minibars be immediately restocked.
"We did do something, " protested Senator Barbara Mikulsky, while feeding herself at the local trough. "We gave ourselves another pay raise."
November 25, 2003
Senate Majority Leader Frist Reveals Prescription Bottle Permanently Grafted To Hand
As a grim John Breaux looked on, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist revealed that a prescription drug container -- that Frist has appeared to be "holding" continually during the past six days -- had grown on his hand last week while he was sleeping, and does not appear to be removable.
Sen. Frist has appeared in approximately 7,241 photographs "holding" the bottle.
"I woke up one morning while we were considering this Medicare Reform Bill, and this pill bottle-shaped growth had completely taken over my fingertips," said Frist. "That's when I had the idea to tell people this was a 'Prescription Drug Benefit Bill.' That way I could show my face at these press conferences."
Doctors have concluded that attempts to surgically remove the growth could prove fatal. "We could slip," said Dr. Shevardnadze, who has recently joined the staff of the NIH.
"Just by trying to take care of this bottle of pills, we could kill the whole patient."
November 22, 2003
Daschle To Filibuster Self
Determined To Lead By Following
The Senate Democratic leader, Tom Daschle, said Friday that he would not support a filibuster against a bill offering prescription drug benefits to the elderly. His decision increases the chances for final action on the bill within days.Senator Tom Daschle announced today that he would filibuster himself for the rest of the Senate term, if not longer, a spokesman said. Daschle, who speaks softly and carries a tiny baton, said he was determined to "remain calm" during the filibuster and aims to avoid making "any sudden moves."
Daschle planned the filibuster in order to stop himself from "precipitously opposing the Republican majority."
"There's a need to counter those voices in our own party," Daschle whispered, "who might want to speak loudly."
Loud voices are said to cause Daschle intestinal discomfort.
Daschle pooh-poohed suggestions by Darla Whirligig, a senior from the South Bronx, New Mexico, that Daschle's failure to support a filibuster over the GOP's Medicare bill would mean giving drug and insurance companies a stranglehold on increasing healthcare costs.
"Oh, no," Daschle could hardly be heard to say, "If Democrats stopped this bill from passing, then Republicans would say we were against it."
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Matt Bivens of The Nation writes:
If the Republicans were to ever call on Congress to pass a bill to saw off Tom Daschle's left arm above the elbow, Daschle would be the first to agree, earnest and parrot-like, that America desperately needed such a bill. He'd just object to, you know, some of the provisions. What we really need, he'd say -- while his colleagues nodded in thoughtful agreement -- is a Democratic Saw Off Tom Daschle's Arm Act. Then the horse-trading would begin, and soon the Senator from South Dakota would proudly announce bipartisan approval of a "compromise" bill to saw off his arm above the wrist . . .
Boy, does he ever get it right.
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November 21, 2003
Bush Charts Clear Course For Future In Iraq, May Go Into Astrology
President Bush gave a press conference in London recently.
Asked if he would keep a fixed number of troops in for a longer time, Bush replied: "We could have less troops in Iraq, we could have the same number of troops, we could have more troops in Iraq . . .Bush went on: "There might be more terrorists in Iraq. There might be less democracy in Iraq, or Iraq could have the same lack of government that it has now. This is all very complicated."
"I could be reelected or I could lose. The sun could come up or the sun might not rise again. David Letterman could best Leno or his ratings could remain low. Ann Heche could be gay or straight. You should sell or you should buy. But whatever you do, you should borrow. A stitch in time saves nine."
Later a top aide to Bush, who wished to remain anonymous, Cory Alastinomium, told reporters on condition that he not be identified, that Bush was not announcing a change in policy and that expectations remained that troop levels would be reduced.
"What the President said is actually quite meaningless," said Alastinomium. "It all depends on the moon and whether his house is in Saturn and aligns with cars."
November 20, 2003
Jackson Willing to Do "Whatever It Takes" To Distract Country From Bush; Happily Surrenders Self For "Greater Good"
Limbaugh Willing to Pitch in, Too
Michael Jackson, charged with molesting a child under the age of fourteen by authorities in California today, said only that he was proud to be able to distract the country from any actual news.
Indeed, the story of Jackson's imminent surrender to police and Rush Limbaugh's legal problems took up most of the hour-long Newsnight on CNN, while coverage of the first state visit to England in almost 100 years, and a major speech by President Bush on the war on terrorism, was covered in less than two minutes.
Of the scant appearance of real news on television, Rush Limbaugh had this to say: "I didn't launder money. I made withdrawals of cash."
Hundreds of thousands of British protestors were featured on news programs for approximately one second, prompting protestors to reconsider the manner in which they voice their opposition.
"I could become an expert on the life of Scary Spice," said Brendan McAnifstan.
Other celebrities said they were "happy to help."
"Entertainment is entertainment, whether it's a major summer blockbuster or a news show," Tom Cruise said. He was said to be torn between doing Mission Impossible 3 or being caught doing blow with a "really buff" naked man.
November 19, 2003
"Band Of Thugs" To Supplant Al Queda As Top Terrorist Group, Says Bush
Bush Says U.S. Will Not Retreat From 'Band of Thugs' in
President Bush today announced that the "Band of Thugs" is now the deadliest group of terrorists in the world and they, and a large group of other terrorist organizations that have been nurtured into existence by the U.S. occupation of Iraq, are now the preeminent threats to the security of the U.S, Britain, and the rest of the world.
"I reckon al Queda is a measly number ten, at best," President Bush said in a major speech during his visit to England.
"We're quite concerned about the 'Band of Thugs,' and indications are that they may have been involved in 9/11," said the President.
Bush said that he was also concerned about the "Can O' Worms," the notorious "Shisk Ka'Bob," the "Counsel of Nine," the "Gaggle of Grunts," the "Cluster of Cashews," the "League of Liberals," the "Loose Association of Malcontents," the "Gang of Four," the "Rogues' Guild," and the "Little Rascals."
November 17, 2003
British Tabloid Ditches Page 3 Girls, Moves To Hardcore Pornography
After coming to office with a vow to restore dignity to the White House, the president yesterday took a brief sabbatical from that effort: He granted an exclusive interview to a British tabloid that features daily photographs of nude women and articles akin to those found in our own National Enquirer.
The Sun, known for its scintillating reportage amid pictures of buxom beauties posing topless on page three, has ditched the nude models in favor of hardcore pornography, starting with a spread on President Bush cavorting brazenly with a visibly excited Rupert Murdoch.
"We thought this was the best way to go," said Hugh Persimmon-Sludge, editior-in-chief of the rag best known as the Sun.
On the new Page Three of the Sun, President Bush and Murdoch embrace each other, tell each other how wonderful they each are, admire each others wallets, cigars, and rolodexes.
President Bush, who has refused exclusive interviews with every major and minor (read: existing) American newspaper for the past year and a half, had been "saving himself" for Rupert, leaked White House spokesman Scott Mclellan.
"Oh, you're so big and powerful," Bush was overheard saying to Murdoch during the "interview." Murdoch replied with what sounded like the grunting of an inconconceivably rich Australian owning an impossibly large media empire that threatens to absorb the world.
"I just want to repay you for all of your kindness," Bush said later, sounding something like a Texan Blanche Dubois.
Sun editor Persimmon-Sludge refused to describe the interview further, saying only that the two men had spent a great deal of time stroking each others "egos."
"It's not that big a change, really," said Tycho Firth, a miner in East Chasbrough. "Page Three still has two big boobs on it."
November 14, 2003
GOP Filibuster Causes Dangerous High Winds Throughout Northeast
Hurricane force winds whipped up the northeast today and yesterday, generated by enormous blasts of hot air during the latest Senate filibuster.
GOP senators seemed unconcerned about the dire consequences of their actions as they complained that the Democrats had blocked only 4 (what amounts to 2 per cent) of President Bush's judicial nominees, as opposed to the "collosal job" done by the Republicans in blocking 63, or a whopping 20 percent of Clinton's nominees during his tenor.
"These Democrats just don't have it in them," said a disappointed Rick Santorum.
The nearly forty-hour-long bore-a-thon sent a warm front south and brought 60 mile-an-hour winds northward in a meteorological balancing act that few truly understand. Trees were toppled, temperatures plunged dramatically, and children were blown off of couches and into backyards, far from their television sets.
Orrin Hatch tried to muster some sympathy for the President as fellow congressmen lay on cots "not fit for cats."
"The Democrats are treating the President like dirt," said Hatch, eliciting multiple snores.
It may have come as a surprise to Mr. Hatch that upon hearing his words, somewhere, American citizens shed a tear or two.
They were sad.
They were not weeping for President Bush.
November 13, 2003
Success! Some Members of 9/11 Panel May See White House Papers From Distance; Binoculars Allowed
The White House vowed to drop the pretense of stonewalling the independent commission on 9/11 and struck a significant deal giving panel members access to critical CIA daily intelligence briefings provided to the President.
Under the terms of the deal, two members of the commission panel will be able to view the entire library of presidential daily briefings from across a crowded room. The two members of the panel who will "see" the documents will not be able to tell the other members of the panel what they have seen. Two other members of the panel will be able to see selected documents which the White House determines are "relevant" to the commission's inquiry, but will only be able to discuss their findings in Swahili.
"I'm so glad we didn't subpoena them," Commission member Thomas Kean said of the White House.
There are some potential snags, several people waiting at a bus stop at Pocatella, Idaho, pointed out. The Commission doesn't know which two members of the panel will be permitted to view the whole library of briefings, and they are not allowed to ask. And the White House, which will determine which documents are relevant to the scope of the commission's inquiry, does not know what the scope of the commission's inquiry is.
"Something about boats?" guessed Ronald Factenheimer, the White House liaison to the Commission.
"I'm sorry, that's incorrect," said Mr. Kean, "You have twelve questions left before I flip over the cards and consider the panel stumped."
November 12, 2003
Rumsfeld, Bush, Cheney Take Bremer to Task For Shooting, Gagging Iraqis
Paul Bremer was called back to the White House suddenly today where he was angrily berated by President Bush, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and others for setting "exactly the wrong tone" and establishing "the worst kind of conditions" in which to construct a democracy in Iraq.
"You can't gag people in a democracy!" Dick Cheney said. "That's horrific!" he cried, speaking of the arrest of an i merely for criticizing the U.S. occupation. "Are we trying to build a democracy or a dictatorship, for Pete's sake!"
Donald Rumsfeld was equally aghast at actions taken by soldiers in the wake of recent attacks, in which soldiers dropped bombs and lobbed mortars onto innocent townspeople just to show "they have teeth and claws."
"Are you people out of your minds?" Rumsfeld said. "Did it ever occur to you that that's exactly the way we're building the resistance? We'll never earn support in Iraq if we use force to intimidate and devastate is and their families, man. Be decent. Be smart."
Sources say Bremer's job is hanging by a thread.
President Bush, the ever-resourceful, wise, hands-on American leader, told Bremer, "The future of the world -- indeed, the future of America -- rests upon the job we do in Iraq. We can do better. We must do better. And, for God's sake, get rid of those damn boots."
November 11, 2003
A Word From Our Sponsor
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, like his boss, is selling the policy with a new PR initiative, granting interviews to 18 local TV stations from Boston to Seattle during a three-week blitz. But the offer comes with strings attached. The White House media office has insisted that each station air subsequent interviews with three or four other Pentagon officials as a condition for getting Rumsfeld. These include Wolfowitz, reconstruction boss Paul Bremer and Central Command chief Gen. John Abizaid.Tired? Bored? Don't know what to do now that your unemployment checks have run out? Well, as long as you still have some credit left over on that card, there's an easy answer!
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(Don't worry, townspeople, we'll turn your neighborhood into a high security green zone so no one will launch missiles at him while he's sitting on your coach, eating all your food, drinking your last six-pack.)
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But guess what? There's MORE.
Read More »
I know you're thinking, what else is there? What more could they possibly add?
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Call now! Operators are standing by.
Order annoyed where manipulated by law.
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November 09, 2003
Nuclear Weapons Lab Keys Are Lost — Plus, Scientists Can't Remember Where They Parked It
A U.S. nuclear weapons laboratory must replace up to 100,000 locks at a cost of more than $1.6 million, after staff lost several sets of master keys to the complex, then failed to notify superiors, it emerged Friday.Scientists running the prestigious Lawrence Livermore National Lab and Nuclear Facility near Berkeley, California, not only lost the keys but also, embarrassingly, forgot where they parked the lab on a recent outing to a nearby mall.
"I'm sure we left it right here," said Dr. Bonwit Teller, cousin of the grandson of Dr. Edward Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb. "Man, we have to find it," he said to some fellow world-class nuclear weapons scientists. "My old man is really going to freak."
The Lab was last seen parked in section A-4 of the Stockton Valley Mall, near the Sauerbraten Cafe and the Nike Rubber Pavilion.
"Oh, man," said two-time Nobel prize winner Dr. Neil Fedora. "This really bites. I left a stash of killer high-grade plutonium in there."
November 07, 2003
Iran Up To Its Eyeballs In Terror, U.S. Advisor Up To His Ears In Brown Substance
Influential Pentagon adviser Richard Perle said on Thursday that Iran was "up to its eyeballs in terrorism" and the United States should quietly be encouraging a democratic revolution from within.An alarmed Richard Perle has said that Iran is "up to its eyeballs in terrorism," that Lybia is up to its elbows in eyeballs, and Israel is up to its neck in yarmulkes.
"There are body parts serving as benchmarks everywhere!" he cried. He bemoaned that he had 'had it up to here" with terrorism, skepticism, and paranoia. "If we don't do something soon we'll be in over our heads,' he warned.
A White House spokesman up to his knees in fleas leaked in response that "the White House is examining the situation," noting that it had to juggle considerations that North Korea was "up to its urethra in uranium,' and Syria was "up to its adam's apples in Arabs." He said nothing of the fact that Pakistan is up to its adenoids in al Queda.
Forrest Forthatries, an analyst at the Darren Stephens School of Acting Intelligence, commented. "I don't know about all these reckless accusations. Here in America we're up to our eardrums in assholes."
November 06, 2003
Hussein Made Pre-War Offer to Sack Iraq, Kill Two Sons, And Go Into Hiding
The New York Times reported today that in late February, President Bush rebuffed a generous offer by Saddam Hussein to destroy much of Iraq, mercilessly kill his two sons, and go into hiding, saying, "We'd much rather do it on our own, thanks."
"My mother raised me to try and accomplish things all by myself, without the help of others, like my rich father with his ties to Big Oil and all his pals in government," Bush, Jr., said.
"American lives are a small price to pay for the gift of self reliance," he added.
November 05, 2003
U.S. Soldiers Set To Sue Manufacturers of Shoulder-Launched Missiles
U.S. soldiers are contemplating filing an enormous class-action suit against the makers of shoulder-launched missiles in an effort to "make makers accountable for their makings," said Pfc. Ernst Choler dispeptically.
Shoulder-launched missiles can easily bring down a Blackhawk or Chinook helicopter, are portable and easy to hide, and can be found all over Iraq, in ammo dumps, weapons caches; they can be checked out of libraries if you have a card.
"We're going to get whoever made these fricking weapons, and while we're at it, why don't we go after whoever left them lying around unsecured in vast heaps all over Iraq, easily available to resistance members, terrorists, fugitives, and Hussein sympathizers?" said Corporal Danny Isotope.
Soldiers have named Russia as a defendant, but Russia is set to countersue the United States, who provided the Russian-made weapons to during the Reagan years. Other defendants will be Ronald Reagan, former CIA director William Casey, and Donald Rumsfeld, who arranged the weapons transfer. Reagan, Casey, and Rumsfeld will be exhumed for the proceedings.
November 04, 2003
Mel Gibson to Purchase Reagan Miniseries; Reagan Worshippers Promise to Boycott Flick
Mel Gibson, director of the controversial film of the life of Jesus Christ, snapped up the equally controversial "life of Ronald Reagan" miniseries when CBS declined to air it. CBS pulled the miniseries in response to loud protest by members of the "Cult of Reagan."
Gibson bought the miniseries because he "laughs at danger," according to a spokesman for Gibson.
Reagan cult members immediately announced that they will boycott the miniseries and pull Gibson's spleen out of his body with a giant set of sterling silver tweezers, bequeathed to them by the many Reaganites who also own huge sterling silver spoons.
Variety's Gabe Hocchhler, who covered the story under the headline "GOP PRICKS DEEP SIX RONNIE FLICKS" took time away from his rhyming dictionary long enough to say, "Just as Mel filmed his Christ epic in Sanskrit and provided English subtitles, he'll be subtitling the miniseries in black and white for the Repubican audience."
The SciFi Channel was disappointed in the sale to Gibson. They had been planning on buying the biopic and running it in a special episode of Mystery Science 3000, in which a few people opposed to censorship by wealthy bullies and politicians are marooned in space and forced to watch CBS's regular programming.
November 03, 2003
Steve Forbes To Petition For Iraqi Citizenship; Flat Tax Exerts Inescapable Pull
Hopes To Rename Fallujah "Forbestopia"
The flat tax, long a dream of economic conservatives, is finally getting its day -- not in the United States, but in Iraq.
It took L. Paul Bremer, the U.S. administrator in Baghdad, no more than a stroke of the pen Sept. 15 to accomplish [it] . . . has a flat tax, and the 15 percent rate is even lower than Forbes (17 percent) and Gramm (16 percent) favored for the United States.Steve Forbes, who has for years advocated the adoption of the flat tax here in the United States, said he plans to apply for Iraqi citizenship at the first available opportunity and to establish a faux residency there within the next three weeks.
"I'm looking for a town or a village to buy and call my own," he said. "Just a nice secluded hamlet with a helipad and a jacuzzi, maybe a few townspeople to do my bidding."
He was also examining options to incorporate the Forbes magazine empire in Iraq, "which will save us countless millions."
Asked whether he owed fealty to the United States which gave him the opportunity to inherit the enormous wealth amassed by his ancestors, he said, "No."
"I already have a load of wealth and possessions beyond my wildest imagining," he said. "Why should I give that up to help some disadvantaged Americans out? I'm looking forward to trickle down on some Iraqis. I'm going to trickle all over them."
November 02, 2003
Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld
Today Donald Rumsfeld called an attack that left sixteen U.S. soldiers dead and more than 21 wounded tragic but "necessary."
"That's what a day in a war brings. People die. Later that day you ask the Senate for appropriations," Rumsfeld intoned.
A handwritten note found on Rumsfeld's desk yesterday listed bombs, civilian casualties, lots of dead soldiers, and "untidiness" under the heading "Some Ingredients Of War."
"There are going to be days when large numbers of people are going to be killed," said Rumsfeld, speaking on Fox News today. "If people don't die, then it's not much of a war, is it? Then it would be kind of like a strenuous disagreement."
October 31, 2003
Historic GDP Hike Due to Use Of Ronco Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer, Says Ronco
It Juliennes Fries
The nation's GDP sailed upwards this quarter to a record 7.2 %, the largest growth rate since 1984, and all without adding jobs, and with still-existing workers working fewer hours.
"Fewers workers have been able to produce more with less," said Candy Hamstrung, Chief Economic Analyst of Milkem and Grow, a Wall Street sweatshop.
"That's because of the amazing Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer," said Ron Popeii, CEO of Ronco Corporation and subject of the book "Salesman of the Century". "It can slice potatoes so thin you see right through them, or you can twist the handy dial and it will shred cabbage for cole slaw."
Popeii pointed out that workers using the Dial-O-Matic are healthier, happier, and waste fewer hours at home "slaving away over a stove," helping them to be better rested and more productive at work.
October 29, 2003
Donald Luskin Threatens Self With Legal Action
Possible Countersuit Contemplated
Donald Luskin, a writer who has encouraged readers to assault Paul Krugman with a pie, recently sent a letter to Atrios threatening to use legal action to unmask Atrios and make his private identity public, because Atrios described Luskin as a Paul Krugman "stalker."
Now, in the wake of the revelation that Donald Luskin wrote an article calling himself a stalker, Donald Luskin immediately threatened to take legal action to unmask himself and make public his own identity.
"That's just the kind of dastardly threat only I would make," said Luskin, reading a letter sent to himself by his own lawyer. "What a fiend I am!"
Bush Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Iraq is dangerous, and it's dangerous because terrorists want us to leave.
-- George W. Bush
Bush: If they invite us to stay, then we'll go. They've gotta invite us to stick around.
Bremer: (to Terrorists) What would you say about inviting us to stick around?
Bremer: --you don't have to mean it or anything--
Terrorists: You can die -- no one's immune. You can both die.
Bremer: (turning away) I can't help you, Dubya.
Terrorists: We didn't know you were George Dubya Bush when we said you were occupying . . . . If we draw on you, you'll kill us.
Bush: There is that possibility.
Bremer: No, you'd just be killin' yourselves. So invite us to stick around, why don't you?
Terrorists: (tremblng with fear) . . . stick around why don't you?
Bush: Thanks, but we got to be going.
Just another day out on the wild frontier.
With apologies to William Goldman.
Cable News Networks Concerned that Bryant Trial Will Only Generate Four Hundred Hours of Programming
Producers Frantically Plan Scott Peterson, Princess Di Stories, Panels
Cable news networks are up in arms about projections that the Kobe Bryant trial will come too soon and be too brief to generate enough punditry to fill daytime and prime-time coverage for the next two months.
"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" said Tracy Glut, producer for MSNBC. "I have rape defense experts lined up, women who have written books on rape trials, men who have written books on women who write books, divorce columnists, ten obscure defense attorneys from Idaho, Nevada, and Brazil, Farrah Fawcett, who will tell us what she learned about date rape from filming The Burning Bed, Kobe Bryant's hair-stylist, masseuse, chaffeur, and a guy who saw Kobe Bryant outside of a hotel once in 2002. That's for the first couple days. And then it could be over."
Joe Flaherffy of CNN said, "We're in kind of a bind here. We've got the Laci Patterson case, Kobe, and then what? I've got teams of people shadowing sports figures all over America waiting for them to kill someone in a bar fight or hotel room."
Glenn Spice, an agent who specialize in pundits, expressed concern. "I've got a whole stable of celebrity biographers who are just languishing out there."
Glut was beside herself. "What are we gonna do? Cover the death of some soldier in every day?"
October 28, 2003
Bush Upbeat On Terrorist Attacks; Al Qaeda Surprisingly Positive As Well
President Bush, who has recently contracted to write the next edition of The Power of Positive Thinking with the late Norman Vincent Peale, sees the glass as half-full when talking of the recent spate of increasingly sophisticated terrorist attacks in .
"In every mushroom cloud, there's a silver lining," Bush said.
Bush intends to include handy aphorisms to guide you to happiness, such as:"One good burn deserves another" and "The early Kurd gets the berm."
Key chapters will tell Americans:
- How to eliminate that most devastating handicap -- self immolation;
- How to free yourself from worry, stress, resentment, and approaching Stinger missiles;
- How to climb above problems, and over bodies, to visualize solutions and then attain them;
- Simple prayerful exercises that you can do every day, throughout the day, to reinforce your new-found habit of happiness.
Bush intends to publish a tome on "Self-hypnosis For Success" in the near future.
Suprisingly, Osama bin Laden, when reached at an undisclosed location, approved of Bush's approach. While sipping a cool, refreshing beverage, he intoned, "I don't think of a death as just one suicide -- I think of it as 35 dead unbelievers. You have to make lemons from lemonade."
October 26, 2003
Wolfowitz: Service in Baghdad Hotel "Much Better Than You'd Think"
Occasional Rockets, Explosions, Hardly Disturb Sleep In Hugely Comfy Bed
A recent attack on the al-Rashid Hotel in Baghdad where Deputy Defense Secretary Paul D. Wolfowitz was staying early Sunday morning, and which killed one American soldier and injured 15 people, has been portrayed "in an unnecesarily poor light by a biased media," according to Wolfowitz.
Wolfowitz said that "the occasional roar of an approaching shoulder-launched missile" or the concussive effects of a large exploding car bomb are like "the distant clap of thunder in a natural paradise" that hardly detract from his comfort at this five-star luxury hotel room fully equipped with gold-inlaid minibar, jacuzzi bath, mahogany desks with ivory trim, and fluffy towels fit for a king.
"We're making excellent progress in rebuilding Iraq," said Wolfowitz, "American naysayers and media harpys are missing just how wonderful things are here."
Wolfowitz's upbeat comments echoed the text of a Wolfowitz memo found tumbling in the breeze amid the debris, wreckage, shrapnel and blood surrounding the site of the attack.
Wolfowitz dismissed the searing bloom of heat from a burning truck struck by a rocket-propelled hand grenade, saying, "That's just the hotel staff firing up their world-class grill."
People ask how Wolfowitz sleeps through the tumultuous war that takes the lives of U.S. soldiers and innocent is almost every day.
"I sleep very well," he said, slipping under the 300-thread-count sheets on his plush, premium bed and resting his head on a trio of King-size down pillows.
October 24, 2003
Letters to the Editor
I'm an average American, and I'm interested in learning about politics. I think it's time that I take responsibility for what's happening in my country, and the rest of the world; I now realize that righting the horrible wrongs I see done in this country, and correcting the problems I complain about every day, rests on me. With this in mind, I ask you: What can we do to get Blockbuster to stock enough copies of popular childrens' movies? My kids want to see "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," but nobody has it. Best Buy says it won't stock "unpopular movies"! As if -- I mean this is a great American classic and I can now see how the values of this country are in the dumpster. What can I do?
Don't despair. Take my word for it, just vote for a Democrat. I don't want to make things difficult for you by explaining why.
* * *
I am just an old cowhand. Literally. I work around cows. I recently heard about a program that will help our boys overseas, but I don't have any frequent flier miles. (All of my tax dollars have gone to bailing out the airlines and I can't afford to fly.) How can I help?
Strangely Affectionate Cowboy
You're talking about Operation Hero Miles, the program designed to help U.S. soldiers on leave from Iraqg et a flight home, when all the U.S. Government will do is drop them in a stinking hole in Germany on "leave" with little food, clothing, or money. It is a very fine program. I know that, with nine years of travel on United, I can now give one of those boys enough miles to plunge to a watery death a quarter of the way across the Atlantic, and I'm sure that someone, somewhere -- maybe someone who has flown for eighty years or something -- will donate enough miles to get that poor boy to J.F.K. Int'l Airport, even though he lives clear across the country in Wisconsin. At least he'll be able to hang out at the duty-free shop.
If you don't have miles, I would suggest saving your table scraps instead of throwing them out. You can make a nice compost or just send them as is to those fine fighting folks in Germany and they can tuck in. They'll really thank you for it.
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Dear Mr. Opinions:
I am a single Mom with double twins living a triple duplex with no heat, and little running water. (It kind of saunters.) Which candidate cares most about Princess Di? I understand that she was murdered as part of a brutal conspiracy.
Mrs. Joyce Brothers
Dear Mrs. Brothers,
If it becomes a big campaign issue, all of them.
« Close It
October 23, 2003
Everything Awful, Rumsfeld Says; World A Complete And Utter Mess
An Opinions You Should Have Retraction
Yesterday's post was, apparently, an error. According to Secretary Rumsfeld, the world is a festering sore on the face of the Universe, and is the sucking chest wound of American foreign policy. We're all doomed.
Opinions You Should Have regrets the error.
October 22, 2003
U.S. An Utter Utopia As Of Yesterday, Everything Perfect
No Discouraging Words Are Heard
Astonishingly, the entire U.S. and the rest of the world underwent a startling transformation yesterday, when, a bare couple of hours after a White house order that, henceforth, only good news could be reported in America, everything became the absolute model of perfection.
No more bodies are coming back from , amazingly, and we here in the press can only conclude that Bush & Co. -- God bless them -- have licked that nasty problem and installed both a flourishing democracy and a Dolby 5.1 Surround System with five incredibly large speakers placed around the country so that is can enjoy the most lifelike sound and the finest viewing experience available.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned out to be the most gifted natural leader California has ever known, and we understand that California -- overnight, mind you! -- now has a $37 billion surplus. Who woulda thunk?
Terrorism has disappeared, and all moslems converted to Christianity late last night, said Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, and Lt. General William Boykin. The world has become utterly homogenous.
In other news, the Euro was chucked by all foreign nations and the American dollar has been embraced as the only currency used anywhere on the planet.
Karl Rove leaked yesterday that America now has a trade surplus for the first time in recorded history, or whatever.
Howard Dean and Wesley Clark, holding hands and frequently hugging "in a manly way," dropped out of the race for President and agreed that "everything's just fine the way it is," as they changed their party affiliation to Republican and declared "that the two party system in America is unnecessary now." Every other Democratic candidate is expected to drop out of the race except Dennis Kucinich.
Homosexuals went straight yesterday, declaring that their former sexual preferences were the product of mental imbalances and problems bonding with their mothers. And evil.
Scientists in Palo Alto, California announced that they have discovered that nuclear radiation is good for you.
People will not have to take time from watching TV to vote anymore! A small group of fine folk on the Defense Policy Board, including Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle, will choose the President for us, giving us more time to barbeque, watch movies, and shop.
There's more! Doctors who do not commit malpractice ever anymore say cancer builds strong bones twelve ways. . . .
October 21, 2003
President's Dog Barney To Be Stuffed And Sold In Malaysia; Move Meant To Publicize Historic Improvement In Endangered Animals Act
Killing, Skinning, Exporting Endangered Animals Will Help Conservation Efforts, Says Bush; Getting Rid Of Barney Just A "Fringe Benefit"
President Bush has announced plans to ship the stuffed remains of Barney, his "beloved" pet dog, in order to publicize a "bold new step forward" in conservation under the Endangered Animals Act.
For the first time, administration officials propose to change the interpretation of a critical passage in the Act which would allow the resumption of killing, skinning, and trade in endangered animals and their "parts." This will, in turn, help to raise funds to "conserve those precious animals," said Milly Tiddly of the US. Dpeartment of Agriculture.
Tiddly said enormous amounts of funds, perhaps as much as "three or four hundred dollars a skin" could be raised overseas if the U.S. relaxes its interpretation of "ruthlessly exploiting endangered animals for outright profit" under the terms of the Act, which was signed into law by Richard M. Nixon during a lull in illegal wiretapping.
"Permitting trade in animal parts will be good for endangered animals," said Tiddly. "Let's say your Asian elephant's trunk is kind of bent and you need a new one," she said. "You can just pick one up over the internet."
Critics of the change remarked that killing animals seems to an unlikely way to conserve and protect rare species.
"That's exactly what you'd expect these folks to say," said Tiddly. "They can't see the loris for the fleas."
October 20, 2003
American Troops To Be Replaced By Gumby, Judge Dredd, Others
Plan Is To Prevent U.S. Casualties By Shielding Them From U.S. Military Medical Services
Donald Rumsfeld's plan to withdraw 30,000 U.S. troops from Iraq next summer will not result in a festival of rioting, looting, violent crime and stepped-up terrorism because Judge Dredd and other fictional characters will be deployed to the country to replace them, leaked a White House aide.
Judge Dredd, a comic book character who is famous for his ability to unilaterally pursue, capture, try, convict, sentence, and execute felons, is excited about the chance to "whip post-war Iraq into shape." Dredd opined, through his writers, that he would be far more effective controlling crime and waging war than actual, flesh-and-blood soldiers.
Giant-size Gumby and Pokey figurines equipped with large animated M-16's are also being readied for placement all over Baghdad and other key Iraqi hot-spots. Gumby and Pokey declined to be placed in Fallujah, however, because "it's just too dangerous," a Claymation spokesperson said.
Rumsfeld came up with the well-thought-out plan after several seconds of consideration following a call from the White House informing him that Americans are upset that U.S. soldiers continue to be killed or wounded under the peaceful, flourishing democracy that has sprung to life in postwar Iraq.
"The action is also to try and stem the tide of casualties by insulating soldiers from military medical treatment," leaked anonymous White House aide Felton Toesucker.
Rumsfeld would not elaborate on how he expected fictional characters to fill the gap created by withdrawing soldiers from the understaffed U.S. occupation force, but hinted that he was going to speak with Jiminy Cricket.
Word has it Rumsfeld plans to wish upon a star.
October 17, 2003
Cubs Fan Bartman To Be Deployed As Missile Defense Shield
The Mayor of Chicago has joined forces with President George Bush in naming Cubs fan Steve Bartman as a new "Star Wars"-type missile shield for the city of Chicago. Bartman is the fan who some say interfered with a foul ball catch by Moises Alou that would have virtually handed the Cubs the National League Champions.
"Maybe he can catch a missile, he's so good at intercepting moving objects," said Dwight Harmigan, a longtime Cubs fan.
"Steve is happy to do anything that might help erase his terrible mistake," said a man believed to be Steve's dad, but who refused to identify himself.
"Steve will be stapled to the top of the Sears Tower and given a very large baseball glove," Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley said. Daley was, at first, upset with media for naming Bartman, but has since decided that "it's better that we all know who this -- person -- was."
Fran Lefkowiz, a resident of Viscious, Illinois, said that Bartman "should be strapped to the nose of the next shuttle and left there," but others were not so mean-spirited.
Sean Wench, of Passayulayunk, Illiinois, was quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times as saying that "maybe we should be blaming the cubs for losing even when they had a 3-run lead." Sean was photographed leaning on his car, license plate JFK492, outside of his place of work, Mr. Drizzle's Salad Bar at 4029 Tachocua Road, talking on his cell phone (773-446-029).
October 15, 2003
Killing Moslems Makes Them Angry And Possibly Even Violent, Says Report
The British Institute Of Brilliance And Uncommon Foresight announced in its Annual Report today that killing, maiming, and dismembering members of Moslem families "irritates surviving family members to no end."
"It can make them violent, extremely so, even to the point of forming themselves into quasi-military or terrorist organizations and vowing to get even," explained Hugh Wensleydale, a Senior Prognosticator of BIABOBAUF.
"We discovered that invading their countries and depriving them of basic freedoms and control of their own future also pisses them off a great deal," he added.
These considerations were overlooked in planning the war and the larger war against terrorism "of which your self-installed leader speaks frequently," said Wensleydale, who claimed not to be British at all, but merely something resembling Welsh, he said.
Wensleydale said that the study by he and the other "Brilliantists" explains why Al Queda's ranks are now swelling as a consequence of America's war.
"But only really amazing geniuses, truly monumental intellects the like of which this world has not seen for millennia -- such as ourselves -- could have foreseen so inexplicable an outcome," said Wensleydale.
October 14, 2003
Congress To Pass Law Allowing Corporations To Hold Public Office; Coca-Cola To Run For President
Pepsi, Others Considering Run As Well
The Republican-controlled Congress, unable to think of any new tax breaks to give major corporations, is on its way to giving corporations the right to hold elective ofice.
"We could give them more tax breaks, sure," said Sen. Don Nickles. "But the fact is, most corporations pay nothing or next to nothing anyway. We want to give corporations some real incentive to stay in America."
Coca-Cola is set to file papers establishing an election committee as early as next Tuesday, and Pepsi is considering "throwing its bottle cap into the ring" sometime in November.
"There's gonna be a whole new meaning to the phrase `cola wars,'" said Brad Esterfelt, a advertising consultant for nGreen, a Madison Avenue Advertising firm. "But Coke is a natural for the presidency, everyone loves Coke, it has an excellent record in both domestic and foreign markets -- it's a uniter, not a divider."
Coke is so confident that it has has leaked a list of possible cabinet officers: Secretary of Defense: Boeing/McDonnell Douglas; Secretary of Agriculture: Exxon; Secretary of Health And Welfare: Phizer; and Arthur Anderson would be named head of the SEC.
October 13, 2003
Plame Leak Was First Step In War On Nepotism
Administration sources said they believe that the officials who discussed Plame were not trying to expose her, but were using the information as a tool to try to persuade reporters to ignore Wilson. The officials wanted to convince the reporters that he had benefited from nepotism in being chosen for the mission.In an abrupt turnaround, the Bush Administration has taken credit for the Plame leak and now claims that it was "the first step in the brutal war against nepotism." The leakers were instantly identified by the White House as Karl Rove, Lewis Libby, and Elliot Abrams.
President Bush is to address the nation tonight to explain that "we will take no prisoners, turn a blind eye toward no one, leave no family member behind, in our fight to protect America from this terrible scourge." President Bush, who was given a Major League baseball team, two oil companies, a governorship and a presidency by virtue of his relation to the other President Bush, will say that "destroying the cover of an undercover CIA agent was a small price to pay" if it means the elimination of nepotism "which threatens the moral purity of our entire nation."
The White House has given few clues as to what precisely President Bush's concerns were, aside from Scott McClellan's few leaks that "nepotism is evil," and "doing that with a family member is beyond icky."
A senior administration official leaked, "People should be free to make their own choices without someone suborning their will through the use of arcane voodoo."
Todd Unction of the Manson Family Institute opined, "They may be talking about hypnotism, although, for a while, I thought they were talking about incest."
He added, "But most of the decisions made within this White House are the product of inbreeding, so I think we can rule that out."
October 10, 2003
Bush Mounts P.R. Offensive To Convince Public Venture Probably Doesn't Suck Big Time
Six months from the day Baghdad fell to American troops, George W. Bush told Americans yesterday that the situation in is "a lot better than you probably think."
Bush continued, "It probably doesn't suck complete green eggs. It probably isn't a complete fricking disaster. . . . O.K.?"
The President tried to reassure the country today that the war in was justified and that rebuilding was progressing well. He made the comments as part of a White House public relations offensive that some find defensive and others find completely offensive.
The White House has adopted several strategies, among them pushing the slogan "Got War?" and an ad featuring a soldier standing out in 120-degree heat and a kevlar vest saying, "At least I'm not freezing my ass off."
Condoleezza Rice swept the nation yesterday, and vacuumed the front porch, saying, "The media is always showing you the bad side of . But if you roll over, there's some really great things under there."
Donald Rumsfeld, who looked like he had just crawled out from under , said, "Freedom is not as untidy as you might think."
Reservist Mitchell Fergesun of South Dakota, who is set to begin a tour of duty in next week, said, "Bush is right. probably is not as bad as we think."
He waited until his wife and three children had gone into the backyard to play and whispered:
"It's probably a whole lot worse."
October 09, 2003
White House To Reverse Policy Permitting North Korean Nuking of California
Administration Now thinks It Might Be A "Bad Idea"
In the wake of California's reelection, the White House has decided that its former policy toward North Korean development of nuclear missiles needs "rethinking," a senior White House aide leaked yesterday.
The White House had long ignored intelligence -- as well as outright boasts by Kim Il Jong -- that North Korea has an advanced nuclear weapons program, and is months away from developing nuclear missiles capable of reaching California.
"Really, what did we have to lose?" said Barney Musselman of the Vice President's Office. "Getting rid of California would have meant 54 electroal votes that some Democrat would not be getting."
"It appears we may have miscalculated, " said Musselman. "Now, if California disappears, that would be -- um -- yes, 54 votes that we might be losing."
The White House is considering several strategies to prevent the development of North Korean nukes, including: buying Kim Jong Il off; erecting a giant human shield over California, made up mostly of people from New York State; and redistricting.
Why resdistricting? "We figure you can never redistrict too much."
October 08, 2003
Rice Moves Quickly To Rebuild ; Will Spend Week Looking At Color Swatches, Comfy Sofas
Rumsfeld to Be Placed In Long-Term Storage Facility
Condoleezza Rice, saddled anew with the task of rebuilding , has wasted no time. She plans to spend the week looking at color swatches, trying out sofas, and finding approximately 50,000 "nice lamps."
"A country cannot find its way unless it has some nice lamps and comfortable seating," said Rice.
Donald Rumsfeld was unhappy with Bush's decision to remove him from the rebuilding equation. He found out about his ouster by reading an article in Time magazine whilst on the toilet.
"I haven't been regular since," he noted.
Rice was careful to say that the U.S. plan to rebuild is "right on track," and to emphasize that "we're making progress everyday," although she has been to known to say the same thing about the FBI anthrax-mailer investigation.
Rice also moved to "push through" the procurement of 400,000 street signs which are to be placed all over . "Wherever you go, there you are -- except that don't know where you are unless you have adequate signage," said Rice.
A private U.S. company is to make the signs under a no-bid $500 million contract.
UPDATE: Rice noted that it would difficult to find the right place to put all the new couches because "of all those weapons of mass destruction that are still laying around."
October 07, 2003
Bush Names Self Poet Laureate of United States; Won't Give Up Day Job
To Condoleezza Rice
Flesh Wounds Are Red
Violets Are Blue
I'm Gonna Give
Here's to You,
Old Bump On My Head
When I Gave The State of The Union Speech
You Sat Behind Me, Just Out of My Reach
Sometimes You'd Be Bored
Sometimes You Would Smile
I Would be Remiss
Not To Call It A Grimace
How many syllables
Are there supposed to be in this durn pome
I cannot count
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To Reporters, On Israel
I know that I
Am Not Delirious
I read today
They attacked Syria(-sss)
No need to keep Israel's missiles
way up on her shelves
I'm always saying
Israel Must Protect Theirselves
« Close It
October 05, 2003
History Of Rampant Sexual Abuse No Longer Impediment To Holding Elective Office; Gary Hart And Others Laugh, Cry
The probable election of Arnold Schwarzenegger by savvy, discriminating Californians ushered in a new era today, where politicians "finally need not fear exposing the lust in their heart or the gleam in their eye," said Shrubnik Mensch, a senior analyst with the Brookings Institute. The news brought mixed reactions among politicians of all stripes and appetites.
Gary Hart bemoaned the newly refined attitude toward sexual "indiscretions."
"Nowadays, cavorting with a willing and attractive blond on a yacht seems tame by comparison," said Hart. "Dang."
Theodore Harrington III, a wealthy publishing magnate planning to buy an elective office in the near future, regretted not openly groping and pawing women like they were animals in the past. "I've missed so many opportunities in life," he said tearfully.
Shrubnik Mensch was unsure how much, exactly, attitudes have changed. "I'm not sure there are new rules about consensual sex. But I think if you force yourself on a woman -- well, if you hold it against them, people no longer hold it against you."
On Capital Hill, nonstop parties filled with flowing liquor and the open groping of Congressional pages marked the celebration of a new "honest" era. Strom Thurmond came back from the dead to pinch the butt of a 16-year-old.
"This is great," Thurmond, said, through a spokesman. "If I would of known this would happen, I never would have died."
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In California, touching someone's breasts against their will is a crime. Depending on the circumstances, it can be a felony, punishable by up to three years' imprisonment. There is no question that the nonconsensual touching of a woman's breast is, at the very least, a misdemeanor, punishable by up to six months' imprisonment. California Penal Code Section 243.4(e)(1) provides:
Any person who touches an intimate part of another person, if the touching is against the will of the person touched, and is for the specific purpose of sexual arousal, sexual gratification, or sexual abuse, is guilty of misdemeanor sexual battery, punishable by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars ($2,000), or by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding six months, or by both that fine and imprisonment.
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October 02, 2003
GOP To Counter Leak Allegations With Whoopee Cushions, Red Pepper Gum, Other Hilarious Gags
Republicans in Congress have mounted an immediate campaign against allegations of criminal White House improprieties with a hilarious array of joke props and novelty gags that have Democrats begging for mercy.
The New York Times reports:
House Republicans distributed white paper bags with the label "Leak hyperventilation bag," saying they might come in handy for Democrats who were having trouble catching their breath over the subject. . . .
"It's slime and defend," said one Republican aide on Capitol Hill.Tom Delay put fake vomit on House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi's chair. "You should have seen the look on her face!" said Delay. "I think we now see how base and unsubstantiated these allegations of misconduct are," he concluded.
Majority leader Bill Frist put one over on Teddy Kennedy after he snuck into Kennedy's office and filled all of his pens with invisible ink. "I guess he'll have to write that bill again," said Frist, before dissolving into a fit of guffaws and giggles. "It's obvious that the Democrats are pouncing on the Administration's criminal acts just to distract the American public."
Among the weapons Republicans have lined up to counter Robert Novak's bombshell that two senior White House officials committed two felonies by telling him the identity of an undercover CIA agent are exploding candy, Stink-o hand wipes, hairy soap, sneezing powder and the infamous "spring-loaded-snake-in-the-Congressional-Record."
"These Democrats are up to the same old tricks: grasping at straws," said Tom Delay, as he substituted belch powder for the salt in the Capitol cafeteria.
October 01, 2003
White House Leak Story Has No Legs, But Plenty Of Boobs
Representative Peter T. King of Long Island said the controversy surrounding crimes committed by White House leakers "shouldn't have legs". . .
"It doesn't have legs," said King. "I think everyone will agree with me when I say it's simply not box office boffo."
"I think today's audience is much more interested in a story about cigars and genitalia than a simple `white-house-calls-reporter, ruins-career-of-undercover-CIA-operative, endangers-WMD-intelligence-gathering-and-possibly-people's-live's' story," he added.
Peter Bart of Variety doubts the story can appeal to the critical 18- to 49-year-old consumer group that drives film advertising.
"I'm sure you saw my story," Bart said. "Leaks Reak, Studio To Nix Flix On Novak Hack."
Some would say that this is a classic tale of imperial presidential arrogance, the corruption of absolute power, of petty revenge, he remarked.
"But with this administration, it's kind of a tired cliché."
September 28, 2003
Ashcroft: Investigation Of CIA Outing Concluded Months Ago
Patriot Act Permitted Justice Department To Secretly Investigate, Prosecute, And Execute Unnamed Suspect
John Ashcroft announced today that a requested investigation of White House officials by CIA Director George Tenet had already been concluded months ago, and that "the individual or individuals who did it, if any, have already been prosecuted, sentenced, and executed."
Tenet had asked Ashcroft to investigate the deliberate release of CIA agent Valerie Plame's name to the press in retaliation for husband Joseph Wilson's anti-administration statements.
"The Patriot Act is a wonderful thing," said Ashcroft. "I was able to go after these boys with the same vehemence I normally reserve for users of medical marijuana, sodomists, and would-be terrorists like Jose Padilla. And this time, we may or may not have gotten our man."
Ashcroft went on to say that disclosing the identity of a secret agent was an act of treason, a crime that strikes at the very soul of our government, and at the heart of our country.
"I pulled no punches in investigating this matter, left no stone unturned, ignored no impropriety. I answer to no one," said Ashcroft.
It was at that moment that an aide poked his head into the room. "Karl Rove is calling for you, General."
Ashcroft stood up like a shot. "I have to go," he said, and he was gone.
September 25, 2003
Invisible WMD's Everywhere, Says Draft Report
Saddam Hussein had an advanced invisibility program, a draft report on the search for WMD's is to say. David Kay is set to reveal next week that there are countless untold WMD's virtually everywhere in , but we just can't see them.
The revelation set off a new search in . "We're searching for invisible bacteria, invisible viruses, invisible missiles, invisible anthrax, invisible pixie dust, and invisible atoms, which could be used to develop invisible nuclear weapons," said Captain Kronic Fatigue of the Weapons Detection Divison of the Twenty-Third Battalion Expeditionary Force.
"All that we've found so far is an invisible weapons program," he said.
Judith Miller of the New York Times said that her reports of the imminent disclosure of WMD's, filed constantly during the course of the war, had finally been vindicated.
"Ahmed Chalabi has been warning us about invisibility for a long time, but we just couldn't see it," said a White House official whose head and face were wrapped entirely in gauze bandages.
Donald Rumsfeld was uncharacterically smug as he recalled his earlier remarks to the American press that "just because you can't see them, that doesn't mean they aren't there."
"This likely explains why we haven't been able to find Saddam Hussein," he said.
September 24, 2003
Al Jazeera Happy Not To Have To Cover Disaster Anymore; Planning To Run Episodes of I Love Lucy Instead
A Better Farce, Say Programmers
Arabian television station al Jazeera was relieved to hear of the U.S. decision to ban their coverage of the disastrous occupation of Iraq today.
Mohammed "Scoop" Cabali, a reporter for al Jazeera, said, "We knew it was only a matter of time before we were held to the same rule as the American reporters. And just when I had gotten that exclusive interview with Chalabi on the secret caches of WMD's which only he knows about."
The Iraqi public was equally delighted. "Finally, no more of this gloom and doom, " said Baghdad citizen Zuben Mehta. "No, not the conductor. Anyway, we are not that different from Americans. I mean, if we had electricity, we'd just sit around watching Three's Company all the time anyway."
"All of this news was really just depressing the heck of out of us," said Mehta. "That, the lack of potable water, and the fact that American soldiers keep shooting us."
September 23, 2003
Bush Administration To Star In Remake Of Oliver; Orphan Pickpockets Object
George W. Goes To U.N. With Bowl In Hand; Beggars Resent Comparison
Beggars objected to the startling revelation that George W. Bush was to be cast in a remake of Oliver. Bush will play the title role. The epic Dickens musical will be restaged to show orphan George W. Bush being thrown out of the United Nations for asking for support from the member countries when he's gotten quite as much as he deserves.
Bush will then fall in with a bad crowd of neocons, with Donald Rumsfeld as Fagin and Karl Rove as the Artful Dodger.
"It's not a fair representation of beggars," said Will Smythe of the 14 Farthings Row Flophouse in Kennery, England outside London.
"Most beggars ask for money and stuff," he said. "They know better than to insult you when they're doing it."
September 22, 2003
Clark "Green Army Men" To Tangle With Dean's "Birkenstock Brigade"; Sharks And Jets Pushed Off Home Turf
Deanies and Clarkites Pursued By Officer Krupke
Clark supporters and Dean promoters called a rumble to be held Wednesday night to determine who stakes out the heart of the Democratic party. Allowable weapons are antiwar slogans, grass roots, domestic and foreign policy credentials, and large and small blogging devices.
"Don't go!" Mona Fisk cried tearfully to her roommate of three years, Dean devotee Sam Patel, who has spent the weekend sharpening a paper clip he uses to pry jammed disks from his CD-ROM drive. "We haven't divided the calls on the long distance phone bill!"
Frenchy O'Neill, from the Clark clan, promised victory. "I don't know how the Dean people will survive. We have thirty-plus years of military experience collectively, if you count the candidate. Plus I've got a blogroll and I'm not afraid to use it."
Dean followers espoused a take-no-prisoners approach, which includes berating the Clark gang and "disabling their comments."
Bernard Filbar, a liberal who is on the fence, is looking forward to the tussle. "I just want to watch. The Clark dudes will be fighting top-down, and the Deanies will be bottom-up. I'm not sure what that means, but I think they may be in exactly the same positions."
September 18, 2003
Hurricane Isabel Scatters Miss America Contestants Over Northeast
Miss Nebraska In New Hampshire
Atlantic City, NJ - Fierce winds from Hurricane Isabel have temporarily halted the Miss America pageant. Although ten contestants have been able to seek shelter behind Miss New York's big hair, others have not been so fortunate.
Miss Nebraska was swept away to New Hampshire, and several other Misses were blown anywhere other than New Jersey or their home states.
Clay Aiken, the spindly singer from American Idol who was to perform a musical number with the contestants, was blown clear across the Atlantic to Europe. The always-upbeat Aiken, reached at a Paris salon, piped, "It was great! I loved it! I love you, America!"
All of the contestants have been accounted for but one. Miss Kansas was caught up in the funnel of the hurricane and has mysteriously vanished, along with a cow, a house, and a woman peddling a bicycle.
September 17, 2003
GOP On Petition Drive To Recall Clark Announcement
The GOP has collected hundreds of thousands of signatures, mostly from Karl Rove, so they can "go to court immediately" to recall Wesley Clark's announcement that he is running for President.
The GOP is being joined in the action by lobbyists on behalf of tort reform, who say that "Wesley Clark will do nothing to stem the tide of litigation that is destroying our country."
Republicans are also exploring other ways to use the courts to block Clark's candidacy. The RNC is seeking a permanent injunction to stop Clark from entering the race, on the grounds that it would constitute an infringement of their alleged trademark, President®.
The White House is considering an action to recover three of General Clark's four stars. A spokesman for the White House declined to say on what ground they were proceeding, except to say, "They're our stars and he can't have them. That's our position."
Another possible tactic would be to increase the highest rank of a General to twelve stars, so that four stars does "not seem like so much of a big deal," said one unnamed staffer.
Karl Rove could not be reached for comment. He was said to be resting his hand.
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September 16, 2003
Al Qaeda Spokesman Says Spokeswoman Slot Still Open
"Given the choice, it's better to be viewed as a foot soldier for Bush than a spokeswoman for al-Qaeda."
The question of whether it is preferable to be a foot soldier for Bush or a spokeswoman for al Qaeda is becoming highly contested in these days of near-record unemployment.
On the one hand, foot soldiers for Bush are required to hump 60 pound packs across a hundred miles of desert with only hot water and MRE's, stand guard in 120-degree heat while wearing a helmet and a kevlar vest, expose oneself to hails of gunfire, possibly fatal traffic collisions, spend time in Fallujah, and endure unending seperation from one's home and family -- unless, of course, they are posing as "reporters" for Fox News, said a Pentagon spokesman, Mary Strindberg.
Trena Briganti said that reporting for Fox News had its own challenges. "It's not all glamor," said Briganti. "Sometimes it gets a tad hot under these lights and my nose gets all shiny."
The position of spokeswoman for al Qaeda has not been filled, but a recent want-ad denoted the following requirements:
Must live in caves. Ability to travel at night under cover with hundreds of loyal followers required. Must have secret channel to transmit videos to al Jazeera. Complimentary burnooses provided.
A spokesman for al Qaeda said, "We're looking for someone like Aaron Brown, but more feminine."
September 13, 2003
Bush Thanks Troops For Getting Rid Of All The Tigers
Today, President Bush spoke to U.S. troops in Georgia. . . . Although the United States has not found caches of chemical or biological weapons in Iraq, he said, "Because of our military, catastrophic weapons will no longer be in the hands of a reckless dictator."In a village in Africa, a prominent businessman had begun demonstrating strange behavior. He spent all his time plucking imaginary objects out of the air with his fingers. The businessman's wife called a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist asked the businessman what he was doing.
The businessman said, "I'm picking the fruitflies out of the air to get rid of all the man-eating tigers."
The psychiatrist said, "There are no tigers in Africa."
The businessman smiled.
"See how well it works?"
Read More »
September 12, 2003
Bush To Hunt Down "Servants of Evil"; Good Servants Hard To Find
President Bush today pledged to hunt down some servants of evil, because, he said, "it's so hard to get good help these days."
Bush, who has lots of servants but is master of none, is now looking for a butler of evil, a gardener of evil, a chauffer of evil, a cleaning lady of evil, a valet of evil, a cook of evil, and "maybe a plumber or an electrician of evil."
Bush also mentioned that a side benefit of coralling some servants of evil is that it would make things harder for the "masters of evil," who would then have to do everything for themselves.
"Then they'd be too tired and busy to do any actual evil," Bush suggested.
The first servant of evil that Bush has his sights on is Juana Magdalena Josefina del Fernando, who works for Evil Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il.
The 28-year-old illegal immigrant was surprised to hear that President Bush was after her.
"Man, I don't want to work for no Bush. I got three sisters working for him already."
September 11, 2003
Mysterious Campaign Donations From "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden" May Have Influenced Decision To Invade Iraq
The RNC and President Bush have received substantial contrubutions over the past two years from two individuals named "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden," who the GOP claim are nothing more than "two used-car salesmen from Scranton, PA."
The two Scranton individuals have funneled hundreds of thousands of dollars to the GOP from companies called "Al and Ben's Cars That Have Been Owned By American Peoples," "Joe's Car Parts From Cars Driven By American Peoples," and a company that purports to repackage used car oil and sell it back to car owners.
Lawyers from the American Federation of Campaign Financing Violations Committed By Terrorists found the campaign donations suspicious.
"The President's actions don't really make much sense," said lawyer Marjory Morningstar.
"Among other things," she said, "in the two years since the 9/11 attack, Bush bankrupted the treasury, weakened the military, and created a dangerous terrorist free-for-all in the Middle East where one never existed before."
"He let the Saudis off, let bin Laden escape when 'he was completely cornered,' didn't chase him into Pakistan when he did escape, allowed the Taliban to regroup in Afghanistan, and destroyed the most significant alliances America has had to aid us in the war against terror." (A more complete list is below the fold.)*
"Could there be a connection between the money -- from two men in almost seductively flimsy burnooses carrying cases of used motor oil and loose cash -- and the President's actions?" said Morningstar.
In response to the claim that Bush was at the bidding of terrorists posing under the names of "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden," Karl Rove issued a short statement:
There was no influence peddling or quid pro quo for these entirely legal contributions. No evidence exists to suggest anything other than that President Bush accomplished these things all by himself.
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*He's bankrupted the treasury.
He's handicapped the military, and refuses to send adequate troops either to protect those already in or to effectively carry out the mission they have been given.
He let bin Laden escape when he "had him cornered" in Afghanistan.
After bin Laden escaped to Pakistan, he didn't chase him.
He's cut a deal with Pakistan, a country whose government is partially loyal (especially its intelligence department) to Osama bin Laden and the Taliban, and sent them huge amounts of dangerous arms and money.
He helped Saudis who could have shed light on Saudi Arabian's role in the 9/11 disaster escape from the country while he told the nation that he was doing whatever he could to get to the bottom of the attack.
He attacked Iraq, which had no ties to al Qaeda, and let Saudi Arabia alone, which has countless known ties to al Qaeda, including providing citizenship for almost all of the 9/11 hijackers, possibly funding the attack, and certainly financing al Quaeda's international operations.
He's starved the nation of money it desperately needs simply to secure the homeland, and the nation is no safer today than it was on 9/11.
With breath-taking speed, he took an enormous surplus and deftly turned it into a record-breaking deficit.
He's downsizing and weakening the U.S. military, by exposing its soldiers to significant unnecessary casualties, slashing veterans' benefits; withholding basic and needed increases in combat pay and family absence wages, and increasing the required duty of reservists and national guardsmen so that those that finish duty won't reenlist and those that have not enlisted will do anything to avoid it.
By using available military resources to cause the deaths of untold thousands, even tens of thousands of innocent Moslems (and depriving them of essential comforts that they enjoyed before: electricity, health care, security, and of a government of their own choosing), he's swelling the ranks of bin Laden's army with angry young men.
By destabilizing Iraq he has actually significantly increased the chances that will become a fundamentalist moslem state formed by the 60% of the country that is Shia'.
He's pursued an energy strategy that makes America more dependent on oil and thus more dependent on the Middle East, the very region his actions are further destabilizing.
He has done nothing of any significance to stop hostilities between Israel and the Palestinians.
He's rolled back and is attempting to further roll back the most basic protections that were (formerly) guaranteed to U.S. citizens under the Constitution.
He has shielded the Saudis from revelations to Americans concerning the role of Saudi Arabia in the 9/11 attack.
He has failed to cooperate with the independent Commission investigating of the intelligence failures of 9/11, even denying that Commission requested documents or unfettered interviews with government employees.
He opposed the creation of the independent commission.
He opposed the creation of the Homeland Security department and then rushed its creation without adequate deliberation.
He's starved the states of needed funds for them to provide for their security, and the welfare of their citizens.
He's deprived the country of funding it needs to give decent education to its children.
I'm sure I've missed some things.
But when you look at it all, there's almost only one conclusion: George W. Bush is serving the interests of al Queda.
Addendum: In his speech to Congress following the 9/11 attacks, George W. Bush, echoing Lincoln, asked us to appeal to "the better angels of our nature," in meeting the tragedy and the challenge of reshaping the world.
He has not led by example. He has called upon the worst in himself and in us; he has played upon our greatest fears and his judgments and actions spring from the basest instincts. He values brute force over diplomacy. He has rejected world consensus and real community and prefers instead unilateral action informed by an arrogant sense of American "manifest destiny."
George Bush's response to 9/11 is like Hamlet's response to the terrible tragedy in his world, the murder of his father. Hamlet was cautioned that the well-meaning spirit that appeared to him and urged him to seek revenge for the murder might be a malevolent demon that would seek to lure him to his doom.
Hamlet heeded the spirit's advice. And in seeking to right the wrongs of the world, Hamlet destroyed it.
The New York Times said today:
It is worth reminding ourselves, on this day particularly, that we come no closer to understanding the significance of 9/11, at home and abroad, if we use the memory of what happened that morning falsely and vainly. . . .
It seemed as if two great tides emanated in response to the tragedy of that Tuesday. One was a sense of generosity, a deep compassion that expressed itself in immediate acts of cooperation and support. The other was a sense of patriotism, a strong consciousness of our American identity. . . .
Those buildings did not fall or their occupants die to become symbols in an incoherent argument. That outpouring of strength and consideration was never meant to serve as the pretext for false conclusions. The day will slip away from us as time passes, but not the clarity of the actions we took together in response. The purest patriotism we have in us to express was expressed in the common generosity of that moment.
Let the memory of that day serve ever as a call to embrace the better angels of our nature, to dig far down inside ourselves and rescue them from the tyranny of fear and the instinctive and impetuous desire to blindly strike out at the world in hate and anger.
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September 10, 2003
Coffee Stain On Road Map Mistakenly Led Middle East Leaders Over Edge Of Cliff
A coffee stain that was accidentally left on the road map for peace in the Middle East was mistaken for a crucial waypoint. Unfortunately, the coffee stain marked the edge of a cliff.
Condoleezza Rice parked her overfull coffee mug on the road map early in 2002, when it was sitting on the desk of Paul Wolfowitz. The stain was not noticed until recently, when then-Prime Minister Abbas drove the peace initiative off the cliff into an abyss, where it appears to be in ruins, completely out of the reach of any rescuer.
Wolfowitz denied that the road map had not been cared for properly. "We took every precaution to ensure the safety and security of the road map," said Wolfowitz. "It was a carefully crafted and meticulous plan."
White House staffer Hamilton Butt had a different story. "If only we had looked at it a little more closely, we would have seen the coffee stain. You could also see that Karl Rove had eaten an Italian sub with oil and vinegar over it."
Further inquiries have uncovered that the road map had been used to wax Donald Rumsfeld's car, as a handkerchief for Dick one day when he had an awful cold, to buff some of the silver in the White House dining room, and as a dropcloth for painting the Roosevelt room.
"Actually, you couldn't read much of anything on that map," admitted Butt. "I don't know how we could have given it to the Middle East in that state, or how it could have served as guidance for anyone."
September 09, 2003
Judge Not Permitted To Know He Serves On Secret U.S. Court
Information Classified, Say Unknown People Who Won't Tell Us Their Names
Retired Judge Darryl Withering suspects that he is serving on the secret court that reviews applications of government investigators under the Patriot Act. However, he has been told that whether he is a member of the ultrasecret body of jurists is classified.
"I suspect I am," said Judge Withering, "because I keep signing redacted orders in response to redacted motions that pretty much have only dates on them."
Judge Withering had been signing the papers because they were brought to him by men driving a van with a Publisher's Clearinghouse logo on it.
Judge Withering contacted the Justice Department, who asked him "What secret court?" and also "If it's so secret, how do you know about it?"
Judge Withering continues to sign the papers containing text that is almost completely blacked out. "Maybe someday I'll get to meet Ed McMahon," he said.
"McMahon or John Ashcroft," he added.
Read More »
A spokesman from the Justice Department told Opinions You Should Have he was not sure he could confirm the Justice Department had even heard of a "so-called" Patriot Act.
The spokesman, who was contacted by phone, sounded as though he was talking with his hand cupped over his mouth.
"I can tell you this, " said the voice. "We haven't had a single complaint from anyone who was unknowingly searched, affected, or detained in connection with anything we might or might not have done according to whatever the Patriot Act says we can or can't do."
"If it's such a big deal, how come not a single lawyer has ever complained?"
Eds. Note: This article was published about noon and seriously reworked later in the day. I felt I had a good idea which could have been much funnier, and that my first couple drafts had not resulted in the best take on this idea. Generally speaking, I will never substantially rewrite any article I've published, except for correcting spelling or punctuation errors, coding errors, and the like. Coding errors which screw up the page will be corrected at any time, but other than that, I won't tinker with anything I've written in any way after several hours have elapsed since its publication.
I'm not sure if this is any funnier. It probably should have been two separate pieces. I am sure that I won't continue to rework a piece so substantially after publication again.
If anybody has any strong feelings about this, let me know.
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September 08, 2003
Rove Shocked That Only 70% of Americans Wrongly Believe Hussein Caused 9/11
"How is it we couldn't reach the other 30 percent?" he demanded. "Where did we go wrong?"
"With all the crap we've been saying about Saddam and Iraq, it should be well into the nineties," Rove added.
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Rove was reacting to results of a Washington Post poll that found almost 7 out of 10 Americans believing that Saddam Hussein is tied to the 9/11 terrorist attacks, even though there is no evidence that suggests anyone but bin Laden and al Queda are to blame.
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Department of Homeland Security Moving To Iraq; Misunderstands Dictum Of "Follow The Money"
The Department of Homeland Security, critically hobbled by insufficient funding in its mission to secure the nation, today announced that it would be moving to Iraq in order to "better provide for the security needs of the American people."
"We need money," said Elmer Fishrot, Undersecretary for Begging. "And last night's speech by the President made it clear that there's a lot of money to be had over there. We've been told over and over again that there isn't any lying around here."
The "Bring Your Pocket Change To Us" program has not been much of a success, he added.
"President Bush made clear that the key to American safety is in Iraq," said Fishrot. "And we're taking him at his word."
"Now if we could just raise enough money to move . . ."
September 07, 2003
Update on Presidential Address
a repentant George W. Bush told the country that the decision to invade Iraq was "wrongheaded," that the failure to get the support of the United Nations was "the largest diplomatic failure in American history," and that his handling of "post-war" Iraq was "disastrous."
Tonight, George W. Bush asked the country for an ungodly sum of money, and told them that everything was going exactly according to plan.
Bush Unaware That Big Speech To European Allies Will Be Broadcast Only To Americans
President Bush is to make a prime-time conciliatory appeal to countries that opposed the war in Iraq tonight, apparently unaware that his address will not be broadcast abroad.
"I want all you out there in France and Germany, and the other few countries that did not join our enormous two-country Coalition of the Willing, to know that while we did not all agree on the need to go to war, we can all agree that there is a need to stop the chaos that has sprung from this -- so you say-- unnecessary, arrogant and dangerous war," Bush will say.
Bush is expected to make personal appeals to the leaders of France, Germany, Russia, China, and many others.
"Mr. Chirac," Bush will say, "We like chocolate, and the world thanks you for it. And weasels are an important part of the ecosystem."
It is unclear how Americans will receive the address to the rest of the world that can only be received in their own homes.
Ted Fukes, an insurance salesman in Indiana, was confused: "He's gonna call who a weasel?"
Sally Tendril, a housewife from Michigan, said, "Well, if I were the President of France I sure would give serious thought to President Bush's words and jump right on his bandwagon. And I sure will tell whatever Frenchman is the President of France the next time I meet him."
September 05, 2003
Watch out! Democratic Candidates' Debate Causes Homeland Security Alert
The Department of Homeland Secuity issued a terrorist attack advisory due to "a non-spontaneous gathering of Democrats in Albuquerque, New Mexico" today.
"There's no question but that terrorists are far more likely to strike when Democrats are planning to unseat the current President," said a Homeland Security Secretary who wished to remain nameless, Tom Ridge.
"Or during any open debate," added Ridge. "Terrorists love open debate on issues domestic and foreign policy."
"Look, they're planning to hijack our planes!" said Ridge. "Over there!"
Ridge said that he wouldn't raise the terrorist threat level to orange from yellow because he was waiting until September 11 to do that.
"We can't raise it twice in one month," explained Ridge. "Then we'd risk having to raise it past red up to purple or something. Off the scale, anyway."
Reporter Brusque Flatbread of the Mississippi Daily Gamboler asked Ridge how a gathering of Democrats could possibly warrant issuing a threat alert.
"Because of . . . an increase . . . in, uh, chatter. Yeah, that's right. Increase in chatter. Can't say more. "
Ridge then cried, "To the ChickenLittle-Mobile! Away!"
September 04, 2003
New Jersey Man Regrets Villifying French; Wants To Kiss Wife "That Way" Again, Other Things
Frank Durso of New Jersey, who poured 70 cases of French wine into the toilet, hired a dump truck to deposit 500 pounds of dead frogs in front of the French Mission to the U.N., and pulled his son out of french class at school this past February, feels that he may gotten a little "carried away."
"I guess I just got swept up in the whole anti-French thing," said Durso, who, among other things, wishes he hadn't thrown out the 17th century French country table which was the centerpiece of his kitchen.
"I want our hot dog mustard back, our favorite salad dressing, the toast, our Jerry Lewis tapes," he said, wistfully. "I wish I hadn't gotten rid of our poodle."
Durso's 14-year-old daughter is having a hard time forgiving him for legally changing her name from Veronique to Gladys.
"Now I'm Gladys Durso, you bastard," she told him.
Today, Frank Durso practically mourns those lost cases of wine. "I thought I was being patriotic," Durso said in despair. "I was just being stupid."
"I could sure use a couple bottles of that Merlot right now."
September 03, 2003
Powell and Kofi Annan Back Together; "We Couldn't Hide Our Forbidden Love," Says Couple
Secretary of State Colin Powell and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan have decided they cannot fight destiny and that they "must be together," said a White House spokesperson today.
"I was wrong to leave you," Powell is expected to tearfully admit when he returns to the United Nations in the near future under the pretense of asking for help in reshaping Iraq.
The encounter between Kofi Annan and Powell is expected to be the most ardent demonstration of affection since Madonna kissed Britney Spears on the lips in a spontaneous, unscripted moment of passion hitherto unseen by MTV fans.
The couple are to meet in a romantic French restaurant in Soho. Powell will say, "How's this for a resolution? I want to bear your love child," and Kofi Annan will order a "double helping of forbidden love."
The love that dare not speak its name: Diplomacy.
September 01, 2003
Bush Reassures Nation, Creates One Job
"Things are getting better," George W. Bush told a group of union workers this Labor Day. He then dazzled workers by creating a job right in front of them, announcing the creation of a new position, Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Manufacturing.
Bush then cried, "That's one job today! There it is -- a job, baby!"
Bush then calmed himself and said: "We're gonna create a job today and we're going to work at it, just like this, each day, and every day. Until we have . . . more jobs."
Bush then flew to Philadelphia to address members of the ASPCA on the issue of dog droppings.
August 31, 2003
Majority of Americans Now Believe U.S. Has "Lost Its Grip" In Iraq; Confuse "Grip" With "Grope"
A recent poll by CBS News shows that a majority of Americans now believe that America is "losing its grip on Iraq."
"Zis is completely untrue," said Dr. Hendritch Schmock, an expert on grips, and Senior Lecturer at The International Institute of Holding Things in Zurück.
"Ze grip is usually understood as to be having something firmly in ze hand, something in ze control of ze gripper, as it were. In order to lose a grip, one must have had a grip to begin with. Some people need to get a grip, if you know what I mean." Immediately after making this statement, Dr. Schmockman was taken away and sawed in half by a man who, it later turned out, had misrepresented himself to be a magician.
Further polling did indeed show that most Americans had no idea what a grip was and defined it as a "wiggly kind of fleeting and possibly recklessly destructive groping" of an object.
"I didn't mean we had lost our grip on Iraq," Clyde Beducklesdale of Sourwood, Omaha explained. "I meant we had lost our grope."
August 29, 2003
A Day At Camp Wachmeebeeyaliberal
Kayaking with Dr. Dean
Very little wind in port; when you get past the leeside of Point Rove, small craft warning.
Not really an activity, just a discussion of the deficit.
Pathfinding, trailblazing, and fundraising. With the Clintons.
Afternoon Climbing Wall
Al Gore will climb a treacherous path all the way up to the top, where he'll be pretty much knocked right off by James Baker (from the other camp). Joe Lieberman will deliver the critical blow by allowing an overseas soldier to drop a heavy stack of illegal ballots on Gore when he's hanging by a thread.
See the rest of the schedule by clicking on the "But seriously" link below.
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Also spinning, bobbing, and ducking.
Take your gloves off. Taught by Wesley Clark.
Meet by the old aircraft carrier.
Tightrope walking, juggling, media.
With, not around issues.
Sing songs and enjoy roasted marshmallows, by which we mean Tom Daschle and Richard Gephardt, sandwiched between Barbara Hershey bars and Bob Graham crackers. It doesn't make any sense, but it's all we've got in the storeroom.
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August 22, 2003
Court Orders Woman In Wheelchair Removed From Ten Commandments Monument
Among Other things, Much Easier To Move
The Alabama Supreme Court today reversed its earlier decision to remove a 5,280 pound monument depicting the Ten Commandments from the State Supreme Court lobby and instead ordered the removal of a 220 pound woman in a wheelchair who had parked herself next to the monument and was planning to "live there."
"For one thing, she's much easier to move," said one Alabama Justice. "She weighs less and she's on wheels."
The justices had earlier ordered the removal of the monument because it violated the constitutionally mandated separation of church and state.
"But then we realized, the problem isn't the monument, it's the wackos around the monument," said Republican Justice Patrick O'Hurlihy.
Removal of the monument had already been made difficult by Alabama Chief Justice Moore -- who secretly installed the monument in a midnight ceremony that some say involved the sacrifice of several trial lawyers -- in making the monument so heavy that it is virtually impossible to move without causing tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage to the courthouse steps.
The court has instead decided to drape the commandments in black velvet and use it as a platform for an expresso bar, which the court sorely needs. "Thou shalt not fall asleep during oral arguments," said Justice Herlihy.
"If only the the separation of church and state meant that we could separate these people from the entire State . . .," said an Alabama judge, Anthony Torantelli, who wished to remain nameless.
"Religious fanaticism," he added, "It's not just for Moslems anymore."
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If anyone can find the picture I saw yesterday of a woman in a wheelchair next to the monument, please send me the link or the image. (Of course I can't find it now.)
Scratch that, and thanks again to Nick Barlow!
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August 21, 2003
Really Big Malls Seen As Key To Transforming Iraq; Bremer To Be Replaced By Large Indoor Ferris Wheel
Simon Properties, the developer of the Mall of America, America's largest mall, has been named to replace Paul Bremer as U.S. overseer of Iraqi development.
"We've developed 182 million square feet in America alone," said Phyllis Snivvlinnson, Vice President for Foreign Development. "There's no reason we can't effectively develop 437,072 square kilometers."
"Democracy requires good anchor stores," said Dick . "To start, Halliburton is opening a superstore just west of the oil fields, near Kirkuk. Shopping for oil has never been so easy or pleasant."
"You can buy a million barrels of crude, get some cajun chicken at Panda Express or a super cheese steak at the food court, grab some 8x11 medium weight paper at Staples, see a movie, or take a ride on the largest indoor ferris wheel in the Middle East," said .
Orange Julius, Hooters, and the Magic Pan Crepe Stand are among other food vendors who have signed on to "feed Iraq."
"We're very excited about the Crepe Stand," said Snivvlinnson.
Snivvlinnson laughed off suggestions that terrorists might slow down the development of Iraq. "What terrorist would prefer blowing themselves up to enjoying the Lucky Charms Magical Forest or the Trix Fruity Carnival?"
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President Bush has also asked that some fine golf courses be constructed, because "you can't have attract good heads of state without really fine golf courses." One particularly ambitious course will have mine fields and pockets of undepleted uranium pellets as hazards.
With a tip of the hat to Shelly, Prometheus, and Nick Barlow.
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August 20, 2003
Bush To Declare War On Iraq
Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."
"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."
Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.
He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.
"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."
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I have to thank Kos for sharing the article with his readers over at The Daily Kos, some of the finer members of blogtopia, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo (y! hctp!), Adam in MA of The Likely Story (all daily reads), and John Isbell and Mr. Sumo for their kind comments over there.
Check it out. The comments alone are worth it!
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August 17, 2003
The Day Starbucks Went Dark
a noir memoir
My name's Malone, but you can call me Abalone. I was in the middle of writing my wife a check for alimony, sending it by way of my lawyer Sam Maloney and eating a crow sandwich. Little did I know that in a few moments, we New Yorkers were going to be plunged into a hellish night darker than a double expresso, bitterer than Admiral John Poindexter, and more frightening than a night spent looking at Karen Hughes' family slides.
I knew something was up when the shrill hiss of the machine foaming the milk in my machiatto turned to a sad sputtering whimper and died. Then the sour-faced teen behind the counter nearly broke my heart, telling me that my other favorite coffee-based drink product, a spumanti mocha mocha latte, was unavailable. What was I going to do? The coffee grinders were out so I grabbed a couple of beans of the Sumatran roast (they're mild but full-bodied, with a slight acidity that gives them the perfect edge) and chomped on them as I strode out and paced the steaming asphalt of Madison Avenue. I broke a crown. And I swallowed it. It was Friday and all the dentists were in the Hamptons, hobnobbing with the porcelain inlays of big ticket celebrities.
People say New Yorkers are pampered wimps who can't take one day without a couple of megawatts, but I was just on the prowl looking for the necessities of life: a quick massage, a good movie, maybe a concert, a visit to a great museum, and a night spent browsing video-on-demand, MI-5, and 12 episodes of The Daily Show captured on my DVR. Forget the heat, forget that the natural fibers in my Calvin Klein triple-weave shirt, Armani suit, and pricey clogs were wilting in the 100-degree heat and 90% humidity like a man with a woman when the wife walks in. Things were about to get much worse. I was about to get . . . bored.
I walked past Madame Tussaud's Pools of Wax Museum. I thought about going to the Museum of Natural History, but I heard the heat had put the moves on the Chocolate exhibition and the assistants curators were trying vainly to resuscitate it, performing mouth-to-mouth on the Godivas. It wasn't a pretty picture.
At the Met, Van Gogh's Starry Starry Night looked like a picture of a black cow eating green grass in a meadow underneath a cloudless, black sky, except the cow had eaten the grass and hightailed it out of the canvas. It was like a bunch of zebras that were all stripe and no white playing hide and seek in an oil slick on a night with no moon 60 feet into a ebony cave. You figure it out.
New York. The city that never sleeps was out, out all over, looking blacker than Dick 's heart. I tried to go shopping at Eli's, or to pick up some of the good stuff at Caviarteria, but the darkness and the heat wave had left them emptier than the Federal Reserve.
Usually, Broadway is dark only on Mondays, but tonight you could see the cast of Long Day's Journey Into Night sweltering on the sidewalk in front of the Belasco Theater and cursing the day Eugene O'Neill was born. I leaned against a wall to catch my breath, but I realized, in the poorly lit street, that that was no wall -- it was Brian Dennehy. I didn't wait around for him to find out.
I won't bore you with the assorted details of my sordid tale. Suffice to say the next morning I woke up to my clock radio and through my hangover it was shriller than Ann Coulter's relentless TV talk show gibbering.
I heard President Bush on the radio saying that the blackout was a wake-up call. Didn't he say 9-11 was a wake-up call?
I guess, like me, he just keeps hitting the snooze alarm.
August 15, 2003
Bush Reinforces Message to Americans: "I'm Keeping You In The Dark So You're Utterly Powerless"
Homeland Security Department Says Massive, Crippling Blackout Went Exactly As Planned
Tom Ridge excitedly praised Northeast America, including Cleveland, Detroit, New York, all of Connecticut, and many other areas affecting millions upon millions of Americans, for taking part in a complete loss of the Northeastern power grid that went "exactly as we'd scheduled it."
In New York, for instance, gas pumps failed to operate because they could not be operated manually, taxis and buses ran out of gasoline, countless numbers of people were completely stranded, and police officers told pedestrians that "they had no clue what was going on." Officers asked whether buses were running or what routes were best to take said they knew nothing.
President Bush praised the "excellent communication" he had set up to handle emergencies. "These agencies communicate as well as I do," he beamed.
New York Governor George Pataki took an admirable stance as a leader, saying it was all Canada's fault -- "Blame them, we had nothing to do with it," he said at a press conference, unaware that no one else was in the room with him.
Hours after the power outage, fire marshals in a Brooklyn building told workers to "stand by" until they "tracked down" the problem. Everybody had already left.
"I think our people did superbly," said Mayor Bloomberg. "It's like one big party up here. Of course, the fact that this happened after we promised we would insure it would never happen again after 1977 is a cause for some concern."
Tom Ridge was proud of the failure and the response of state, federal and local authorities. "It's nice to know that we don't need terrorists to create a crisis," he said. "We're quite capable of creating our own."
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Blogging By Candlelight
I walked home from my office. It took me hours to get home. There was no emergency evacuation plan in my building. A woman with a walker waited and waited, talked to her husband by phone, and chanced the elevators. Our fire marshall was on vacation.
Taxicabs were parked all over, because the outage came at the end of their shifts and they could not fill up on gas.
The only reason things went so well is New Yorkers are really cool people.
Still, I have my laptop (for a little while yet), a phone connection and I can post.
The kids are asleep, New York is quieter than ever . . . except for the sound of a clicking keyboard. . . .
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August 14, 2003
Running on Empty: Bush Shares Sweat With Soldiers
While vacationing in Texas, President Bush occasionally runs three miles in the triple-digit Texas heat. Anyone who runs with him gets a t-shirt. "I wish we had enough t-shirts for the soldiers in Iraq, but we don't, and, besides, you have to run with me to get the shirt." After an awkward pause he added, "You can't do that if you're in Iraq. I'm in Texas."
Bush is running as part of his pledge to share one hardship a day with the troops in Iraq as a gesture of solidarity and goodwill.
"Every day I subject myself to at least one small indignity, in honor of those men out there. Today I turned the air conditioning down," said Bush, smiling and winking at reporters.
Bush is also planning to eat some M.R.E.'s (Meals Ready To Eat, which are as nutritious and tasty as their acronym is grammatical) and stand guard duty next to a burning wreck of a former humvee in his front yard for 30 minutes. "In addition, I'm going to only drink three liters of water during the next thirty minutes," said Bush.
"I'd try being umployed for a day in solidarity with those who have lost their jobs here in America," said Bush, "But instead, I'm just going to stop working for a while."
August 13, 2003
Long Weekend: Opinions You Should Have Went to A Fair and Balanced
The management regrets the failure to post a stultifying and breathtakingly funny entry on Tuesday, as is our practice, due to a long weekend unpunctuated by dependable internet access.
We went to a country fair and balanced balls on our noses, imitating seals at the nearby aquarium. Afterwards, we went to a local pub and tucked into the local fare and balanced out the rather heavy meal with a light and wholesome dessert (fresh strawberries). On the way home my wife informed me that her cousin was having an affair and blanched. I was so stunned by this that I drove off the road momentarily, hitting a ditch and knocking my wheels out of alignment. It rained and my tires had to be balanced while fair weather failed to prevail.
We spent more than we should have but to be fair, we haven't balanced our checkbook properly and thought we could afford it.
My cousin, Louisa, is fair but my other cousin, Johnny Hyde Burka, is swarthy and unbalanced.
Oh, Fox News, please sue me.
August 11, 2003
Queer Eye For The Arab Guy
In an effort to introduce Arabs to American lifestyles, the State Department has funded an Arabic language magazine that it will distribute to Arabs, so that they can "dress better" and "look cleaner," and also -- as a "corollary lifestyle benefit" -- "stop hijacking planes and flying them into large American buildings." The magazine is called "Hi."
The "Fab 5," a group of five gay men who have made a splash correcting the fashion and home decorating faux pas of heterosexual men in their Bravo TV show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, have signed on as consultants.
"Those burnooses are so tacky," said Carson Kressley, the fashion expert. "Head coverings are generally out. Stylish men prefer a nicely coifed head of hair, not a razor cut and not a clump of hair sheathed in sackcloth. Oh, and can I say this? Please shave."
The magazine also notes that Islamic fundamentalism is a "turn-off," that suicide bombings are not the way to get "hot chicks to swarm around you," and that "moving money for al Queda" is out and "raising bucks for right-wing Christian extremism" is in.
"Hi" magazine also has pictures of the girls it claims populate the Moslem afterlife and notes that "they're, like, total barkers, Arabic dudes."
"Hi" means "Your mother is a flea-bitten goat" in Arabic.
100 Days After End Of War, Everything "Hunky-Dory," Says Bush
Recession Over, War Gone, Unemployed Applaud
President Bush took a break from his busy schedule of fishing, napping, and lying on the couch but not napping, to announce that "things" were "definitely better" for average Americans than they were three years ago. "We're making progress in Iraq," he said. "And the economy is healing."
"The recession was over in 2001, and the war was over on May 1," Bush said.
Sally Macaroni, mother of 72 boys from Kentucky, rejoiced. "Maybe that means that my other twenty-two sons will live!" Mrs. Vernon's other 50 sons, all of whom were stationed in , died in "non-combat-related bomb explosions and hails of gunfire," according to CENTCOM.
Eddie Halibutthead, an unemployed insurance salesman in New Haven, Connecticut who has given up looking for work, was thrilled to hear Bush's speech. "Whoa, that is good news," he said. "I mean, we're very lucky."
"As bad as things may seem now," he said, beaming, "Imagine what it would be like if our economy sucked and we were in the middle of a war."
August 07, 2003
Gray Davis To Start Acting Career; Will Star In Terminator IV
Will Also Become More Active in Political Fundraising, Musical Comedy
Gray Davis has announced that he is abandoning attempts to battle the recall election against him and is turning to stage and screen, where he claims to have already negotiated starring roles in Terminator IVand a Broadway revival of "Cats," where he will play either Rum Tum Tugger or Grizabella.
"A lot of people are surprised," said Bernie Schmeck, Davis's agent. "Cold and distant as a politician, but warm, emotive, and supremely charismatic on stage -- plus he tap dances like Savion Glover and sings like Ethel Merman. A real triple threat."
Gray said, "I'm looking forward to getting on with my life. I want to appear on The View and The Regis Philbin Show. I want to raise money for some esoteric charities. And, of course, I want to have more of a voice in politics."
Speaking of his upcoming role in Terminator IV, Gray said, "It wasn't easy getting cast. It's much harder to land a solid part in even a B-movie than it is to be elected Governor of California."
August 05, 2003
Powell Will Not Serve if Bush Is Reelected; Perfectly Happy To Stay On Otherwise
Secretary of Colin Powell reportedly told President Bush that he would not serve in his administration during a second term if President Bush were to be reelected. He did say, however, that he would be happy to stay on if Bush goes. "That's something I could live with," Powell said.
Powell is alleged to have told Bush that the reason that he would not be able to stay on because of "a commitment he had made to his wife." Pundits speculate that Powell had committed "not to spend one more minute with that bunch of fanatical right-wing a--holes."
"Those people keep asking you to lie, honey, and I won't have that,"
Mrs. Powell is not specifically known to have said, but here's hoping.
Powell later denied that he had ever told the President he would be leaving. "I'm not going anywhere," he said, reading from a series of white cards bearing Dick 's handwriting. He then reiterated that "invading was the right thing to do," and added " had WMD, anthrax, nuclear weapons, ties to al Queda, and herpes."
"And I stand by everything I said in the Waldorf transcripts."
August 03, 2003
Scientists Calculate Bush Has Spent No Time Actually Governing As President; May Not Be Able To Run For Second Term Until 2008
Possible Constitutional Crisis Brewing
Scientists adding up the time which President Bush has spent on activities other than governing the country since he took office have discovered an amazing fact: he's spent less than no time governing.
Dr. Rab Scallion of the Geneva Institute For Time Management said, "If you add up all the time Bush has taken vacation, worked out, napped, rested, slept, eaten, run, swam, golfed, relaxed, snacked, watched football, choked on pretzels, nicknamed members of the press corps, and smirked, it adds up to more than the time he's actually been President. He's somehow spent less than no time working in the White House. It comes out to minus two months, give or take three hours."
The discovery marked the beginnings of what may be a unique constitutional crisis. "What do you do," said Scallion, "if, at the time of the next election, you discover that the sitting President has spent no time governing at all? Does a President's term start when he's sworn in or, as some are now arguing, when he starts to govern the country?"
Embracing this argument, some in the Bush Administration are suggesting that, upon review of Bush's activities come November, 2004, he may have four more years of governing to do before he can even run for a second term.
"It's a unique quandry," said Dr. Scallion.
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He runs three miles three times a week, they said, uses an elliptical trainer for 25 minutes three times a week, lifts weights twice a week and "water jogs" — that is, he walks briskly through a swimming pool — once a week.- The New York Times
A CBS News tally shows this is Bush's 26th presidential trip to Crawford. He has spent all or part of 166 days at the ranch or en route -- the equivalent of 51/2 months. When Bush's trips to Camp David and Kennebunkport, Maine, are added, according to the CBS figures, Bush has spent 250 full or partial days at his getaway spots -- 27 percent of his presidency so far.- The Washington Post
Update: According to the fine folks at Corrente, as of April 9, 2004, that number is now up to 40% of Bush's
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July 30, 2003
Terrorist Futures Market Scrapped By Wimpy White House; OpYoShHa Opens Trading Market Anyway
It was an idea too good for its time: predicting terrorist behavior by running a futures market for investors. The Policy Analysis Project, part of the Pentagon FutureMap Plan, was canned by Bush Administration officials who were smart enough to endorse the project initially but too cowardly to proceed with its grand vision once a few whiners complained that it was "gruesome" and "a national embarrassment."
We at Opinions You Should Have applaud the White House's continued employment of wunderkind Admiral John Poindexter, a man whose brilliance is only matched by his unchallenged integrity. After all, his perjury conviction for lying to Congress was eventually reversed.
We're not going to let a good thing pass us by. If the White House won't run it, we will.
(Hit the "But Seriously" Button To See Today's Stock Offerings)
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Movers and Losers in Today's Market
|Bin Laden Is Toast||BLT||$00.01||-95%|
|Bin Laden Will Buy Huge Gold Medallion Studded With 100 Small Perfect Diamonds That Spell Out DEF BIN L.D.N||BOLD||$365.01||+95%|
|Eiffel Tower Fire||ETCF||$32.01||+15%|
|Bush Sets French Restaurant On Fire||FLMR||$245.01||+45%|
|Iraq Democracy Created||SNSF||$1.32||-15%|
|Iraq Becomes Fundamentalist Moslem State||ONOAFMS||$745.32||+95%|
|Denny's Opens Store In Downtown Baghdad||DBGD||$325.46||+75%|
|Denny's Looted, Burned||DLB||$562.31||+75%|
|Jessie Ventura Heads New American-run Iraqi Administration, Brings Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mankind; Iraqis Worship Them As Gods||WWW||$2000.01||+205%|
|Admiral Poindexter Becomes Secretary of State; Immediately Bets Heavily On Self ||DITZ||$362.02||-95%|
|Bush Trades Lockbox For Sentimental Favorite: the Slushfund||NXN||$5525||+346%|
|Homeland Security Department Spends 500 million to Fully Secure All Ports||APS||$22.50||-15%|
|Homeland Security Department Spends $1000 To Put Signs At All Ports Saying "SECURED"||APSF||$922||+45%|
|Bush Spends Nuclear Winter in Florida||JEB||$657||+95%|
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July 29, 2003
Centrist Democrats Suggest Dem Candidate Wear Rubber Clinton Mask
Clinton Formula, Mask Only Winning Option, Says DLC
The moderate Democratic Leadership Council warned the Democratic Party today that it was in danger of leaning to the far left and "not even resembling the Republican Party one little bit."
"If they don't co-opt some of the Republican positions, they lose," said DLC stalwart Darren Schmaggeggi, who claims to have scripted Clinton's wins in 1992 and 1996. "All this talk about antiwar, pro-gay is very dangerous. People are gonna think Democrats are a bunch of pansy homos. Pansy homos cannot get elected in this country."
Of the current crop of Democratic hopefuls, Schmaggeggi praised Joe Lieberman the most. "He knows what he's doing. He's the Jewish Clinton. Except that, if he were to fool around with cigars, they'd be circumsized, I guess."
Schmaggeggi suggested that one of the key issues on the Democratic platform should be welfare reform. He shrugged off criticism that Clinton had taken welfare reform off the table by pushing through the most sweeping welfare reform of the past century. "Welfare reform is always popular. Gives you a chance to paint the poor as lazy folks just hoping for handouts. You get the racist vote, you immediately appeal to wealthy corporate types who think they've worked for a living," he said. "The swing Republicans."
The internal debate amongst party members caused by Clinton's past successes highlighted again the fact that Democrats are simply at a loss as to precisely what formula they should adopt to lose the coming 2004 election.
Later that day, Carley Tisk, a campaign consultant to Joe Lieberman mused, "The rubber mask may be a damn good idea. . . ."
July 28, 2003
Wolfowitz Fan Of "Murky" Intelligence
Also Likes Poor Judgment, Lack of Foresight, and Fractured Reasoning
Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz Sunday defended the invasion of as an example of how the United States had to be prepared to act on "murky intelligence" in its war on terrorism. . . .
"The nature of terrorism is that intelligence about terrorism is murky," Wolfowitz, one of the architects of the war, said on the "Fox News Sunday" program.
During the course of the interview, Wolfowitz also championed vague notions, questionable judgment, little knowledge and fuzzy logic. "If we waited around for something better, who know's what could happen," he said. "You have to be reckless and just blindly flail around as a world superpower; take the time to be informed and BAM, you're toast."
Wolfowitz later said, "I might have regrets -- if only I could be well informed enough to understand the consequences of my actions. . . ."
In other news, Wolfowitz recently fired one of his doctors who he discovered was planning to operate on Wolfowitz on the basis of fogged out, virtually unreadable x-rays.
July 25, 2003
Homeland Security Department Almost Ready To Provide Security
Sense of Excitement Is Palpable, Whatever That Means
A line stretched around the building in Washington, D.C., today, as citizens from all the over the country waited to receive rations of domestic security when the Department of Homeland Security starts doling it out sometime in the near future.
Tom Ridge was optimistic that they could open their doors for business "incredibly soon."
"We're off to a fantastic start," Ridge said. "We have a fancy logo and a big building to put it on. We've got a lot of colorful labels and a storehouse full of empty cans. It's only a matter of time before we start producing enough quality, nourishing domestic security to sustain every household in America."
So far the Department of Homeland Security's cannery has produced enough security to fill about 1000 cans, enough to protect the West Wing of the White House.
Skeptics have pointed out that, at current funding levels, Ridge's Department will only be able to produce 100,000 cans a year -- hardly the amount needed to feed the entire country -- and that those cans are currently scheduled to be distributed evenly, without regard to specific need.
For instance, John and Grace Mariano of New York City, who both weigh over 700 pounds, have been waiting on line since before the Department was created. "We're starving," they said. "We need, like, 1000 vats of security." Some say the Department will never be able to fill their needs.
"That's nonsense," said Ridge, smiling. "We're working on genetically altering plants to produce security."
"That's right," he said, beaming. "One day security will grow on trees."
July 24, 2003
White House Institution To Be Renamed: National Insecurity Council
Earlier this month CIA Director George Tenet accepted responsibility for the assertion in George Bush's State of the Union address that Iraq had tried to secure uranium in Africa. . . .
A Memo From Stephen Hadley to Condoleezza Rice
. . . [I]t now turns out that yet another administration official -- Stephen Hadley of the National Security Council -- has stepped forward to take a piece of the blame himself. . . .- Washington Post, July 23
From: Stephen Hadley
To: NSC Director Rice
Thank you so much for pointing out that I had forgotten to wear a tie today. Luckily I keep a spare one in my office -- if I could only remember where I put it.
I wanted to again apologize for my failure to remember the two memos and the phone call from George Tenet last October. Perhaps I've been overwhelmed by our efforts to find WMD in Iraq -- I know, I forgot that we're no longer looking for them. I have instituted a big change in the way I keep track of things -- you saw the big white-board on my office wall? So that I have crossed out Iraq and written SYRIA and IRAN over "Iraq" with indelible blue markers.
I'm sorry about recommending we release those nine pages of the National Intelligence Estimate. I forgot to check whether it had those warnings from the State and Energy Departments in there. I had forgotten about those. I'm sorry I forgot about North Korea, but that really wasn't my fault.
I know I have caused you and the President endless embarrassment because of these mistakes, but I will endeavor to fulfill his recently expressed confidence in me nonetheless.
I wanted to tell you -- I have the feeling that we've all forgotten something very important in all of the excitement about Iraq, but I can't remember what it is.
Something about New York and some building there. And maybe some bearded guy? If this rings a bell with you, please let me know and we can re-brief the President on it.
July 23, 2003
53 Days After End of War, Bush Proclaims End of Hussein Regime; Saddam Hussein Rumored to Secretly Attend Announcement
Today President Bush announced that the apparent killing of two of Saddam Hussein's sons constituted an end to the Hussein regime. Bush shrugged off suggestions that i opposition might still be strong because the head of the regime, Saddam Hussein, was still at large.
"We may have failed to decapitate the regime, but we got the left and right arm," said Bush. "So now the regime won't be able to pick up anything."
A swarthy man with a beret and a bushy mustache, who was wearing a trenchcoat and standing at the back of the rose garden, snorted derisively during the announcement, but managed to slip away from the festivities before Secret Service agents could apprehend him. Several napkins and an ashtray bearing the White House insignia were later found missing.
July 22, 2003
Democrat's Ad Calling Bush Misleading Misleading, Says GOP; Populace Confused By Endlessly Recursive Allegations
The GOP told television stations across the country not to air an ad calling President Bush a liar, "because that's a lie."
The GOP also said that any ad calling the President disgusting would be disgusting, and any ad calling the President effective would be effective. "It is what it says the President is," said Tom Bradowitch, a GOP spokesperson.
"Bush is not a misleader," he added, "He is our leader."
The GOP pointed out that the ad, which shows video of Bush telling Congress that "Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa" was misleading, because Bush was only saying that the British government had said that.
Television broadcasters made immediate plans to pull the ad upon learning of the enormous breadth of the ad's mischaracterization.
Al Tablehead, of KTTV in Peoria noted, "President Bush clearly was telling Congress that the British government is populated by morons. We knew -- the State Department knew, the White House knew, the CIA knew -- that the British Government had it wrong. I think when he said that, President Bush was urging us to attack Britain."
July 21, 2003
Bremer A Beacon Of Astonishing Revelations; Says Sky Is Blue, Other Shockers
Yesterday, Paul Bremer stunned the world with surprisingly detailed knowledge about the situation in Iraq that no one else could ever have guessed. For one thing, Fox News analysts actually fell over when Bremer said that Saddam Hussein was likely to be hiding in Iraq.
He also said that the United States was going to "take the battle to the enemy," which was a great relief to friendly forces who feared that the U.S. was going to take the fighting to them.
Bremer also said that he had concluded that, in order to be succesful in Iraq, the U.S. would have to "overpower" the opposition.
"That's so crazy, it just might work," said former lawnmower salesman-turned-Fox "Senior News Analyst" Suzy Tang.
She continued, "It's leaders like you, Mr. Bremer, that have helped make America what it is today."
July 20, 2003
Professor Claims Bush Reading Skills Okay; Nation Is Relieved
President Bush and his national security adviser did not entirely read the most authoritative prewar assessment of U.S. intelligence on , including a State Department claim that an allegation Bush would later use in his State of the Union address was "highly dubious," White House officials said yesterday. . . .
- Washington Post, July 18, 2003
Concerned about the President's poor reading comprehension and the impact it may be having on major U.S. policy decisions, Opinions You Should Have contacted Yale English Department Professor Heidi Stump, who taught the President in all of his undergraduate English classes. Stump said there was nothing wrong with the President's reading and analytical skills.
"He was outstanding. He was always able to single out the key essence of the work that he read." For instance, Bush definitively concluded that War and Peace involved a "conflict in Russia."
Acccording to Stump, Bush was excellent at topic sentences and titles. Of Shakespeare's Hamlet, Bush wrote a paper entitled "You Can't Poison Somebody By Putting Something In Their Ear."
"I was absolutely pleased and surprised at how good it was. In class, he seemed not to have grasped that Hamlet's mother had remarried. He was always asking, what does this dude have against his father? And then he writes this gem."
Of Tale of Two Cities, Bush wrote:
Many folks say that there are runners capable of the worst times, and on other days, the best times. It just depends how their days are going.
Stump noted that it was a wholly original take on the book's famous first sentence
"For some people, it's fine to see the forest for the trees," Stump said enthusiastically. "Other people," she said triumphantly, "can see that the forest is green."
July 18, 2003
New Email Form At WhiteHouse.Gov Permits Only Fan Mail
Complainers Have Computers Confiscated, Crushed, Returned
A new email system at the White House prohibits emails to President@Whitehouse.gov and requires ordinary folks to go to www.whitehouse.gov/webmail and fill out a series of forms, including one indicating whether the writer "supports" the President's policies or "dissents." (Note: This applies only to ordinary people. Corporate CEOs have the President's direct line programmed directly into their cell phones.)
Dissenting emails are routinely tossed in the virtual garbage can, never to be seen again, while agreeing emailers receive autographed photos of George W. Bush giving a thumbs up over the caption "Bring it on!"
A random number of dissenting emailers are selected to have their computers seized, crushed, and returned to them with the note, "How'd you like to be detained indefinitely as a military combatant, buddy?"
Asked what the public reaction has been to the new email system, new White House press secretary Scott McClellan said, "We've gotten one hundred per cent positive feedback."
July 17, 2003
Economists Announce Recession Was Over in 2001; Record Numbers Of Unemployed Celebrate
As economists announced that the recession ended almost two years ago, vast numbers of unemployed people all over America celebrated.
"I'm going to open up that can of tuna I've been hording the past two months and really treat myself," said Anastasia Weaver of Michigan.
More unemployed workers celebrated the news than any group of unpaid revelers since World War II. "I'm gonna treat all of my friends to a tic tac" said John Vowel, who was jubilant. "I'm so glad the worst was over way back before I lost my job and had to sell my home and move into a biscuit tin. I had no idea things were so good."
Later that day, John added, "Well, I woulda bought tic tacs. But all the stores around here went out of business."
July 16, 2003
White House Financing Government Operations With Credit Card Cash Advances
Over 49,000 Cards Found In Karl Rove's Desk
It was recently discovered that the White House has been financing government operations from cash advances on thousands of credit cards that it has applied for under the names of dead presidents. Millard Fillmore alone has over 360 credit cards issued in his name.
Abraham Lincoln is now known in the credit industry as a "heavy borrower."
"It is not yet known how the White House has established credit lines for so many dead people," said Isadora Mallomud of the Heightened Curiosity in Economic Affairs Institute.
Cards were discovered when a White House temp was sent into Karl Rove's office to look for a a list of wealthy G.O.P. donors. When she opened a vertical file drawer, thousands of cards poured onto the floor in a heap.
With the new national debt prediction sailing up to a conservatively estimated $455 billion dollars just this year, and $1.9 trillion over the next five, the White House needs to find about 910,000,000 more cards in order to keep the government running in the immediate future.
The White House has not yet formulated a plan for repaying the advances. Senior administration officials are considering soliciting voluntary contributions from citizens. "We'd simply be encouraging citizens to obtain cash advances on their credit cards and send them to us," said an unnamed official, Blubnik Mensch of the Office of Budget and Misdirection.
July 15, 2003
Orwell's Estate To Sue Bush Administration For Copyright Infringement
Fear White House Adoption of "War is Peace" Slogan, Among Other Steps
The estate of George Orwell, the author of "1984," sued the Bush Administration today for copyright infringement. "They've totally co-opted virtually every idea in Mr. Orwell's book," said lawyer Nathanial Hawkins. "They can call it `purging cognitive dissonance' all they want, but we know it's just doublethink® dressed up in a fancy new wrapper."
Orwell's estate was most recently threatened by George Bush's statement that White House statements made the week before, admitting the wrongfulness of including a statement about Niger uranium in the State of the Union address, were wrong. "That's doublethink® if ever I saw it," said Hawkins. "What's next? Thought police?"
"Don't get me wrong," added Hawkins. "I love Big Brother."
"I'm just not that fond of George W. Bush."
Karen Hughes To Head New U.S. Ministry of Truth
Former White House Staffer Karen Hughes has agreed to return from Texas to head up the new Ministry of Truth, a new branch of the Federal Government designed by Karl Rove and Dick .
"I've spent enough time with my damn family," said Hughes, explaining a return to public service which was just as sudden and unexpected as her recent departure from the White House last year.
The new Ministry of Truth's job will be to rewrite history, especially the speeches, statements and positions of the Adminstration, and of Bush himself, both since taking office and during then-Governor Bush's campaign before Bush took office.
The Ministry will also track down print, TV, and internet journalism and redraft past stories so that they "more accurately convey what we're saying the President has been saying the whole time."
"This is not a dramatic reorganization of government," said departing White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "We're just trying to formalize something we've been been doing all along."
In a press conference today, a reporter asked Hughes about the adminstration's utter failure to successfully pursue Osama bin Laden.
Hughes answered, "We're at war with Saddam Hussein. We've always been at war with Saddam Hussein."
July 13, 2003
Opinions You Should Have Responsible For White House Misstatements
Sincerely Regret Misleading Our Great Leader
While CIA Director George Tenet has bravely stepped forward to protect us, the staff at Opinions You Should Have must finally reveal that we encouraged the President to tell the American people that Saddam Hussein had sought to purchase uranium from Africa.
We regret our misguided judgment. Our enthuiasm for the word "yellowcake" completely blinded us to the wrongfulness of making a false statement to the American people.
Our excitement and delight at discovering that there was such a thing as "yellowcake" uranium was so great that we decided to ignore the fact that the Niger documents we were examining were forged. It is with great sadness that we admit we were too busy saying "yellowcake uranium -- that is too cool" to properly advise the President of the blatant inaccuracy of his statement in the State of the Union address.
We also are greatly saddened by our decision to preface the false statement with "the British government has learned" in order to shield the President from any blame for its untruthfulness. We were wrong.
While we appreciate Mr. Tenet's fine, friendly and courageous act, we are happy to clear him from any wrongdoing. We are greatly sorry that our judgment was flawed, although we must remind the public that our error has introduced the phrase "yellowcake uranium" into the public lexicon, a fact for which we must all be grateful.
Moreover, while the purchase of our new H2 Hummer stretch limo with full wet bar, hot tub, and plasma screen television coincides with the release of this statement, the British government has learned that it is entirely untrue that the staff of Opinions You Should Have received a large monetary benefit, among other things, in exchange for our story here today.
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The sentence Mr. Tenet took the blame for is
The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.
The crucial paragraph from the 2003 State of the Union address
The International Atomic Energy Agency confirmed in the 1990s that Saddam Hussein had an advanced nuclear weapons development program, had a design for a nuclear weapon and was working on five different methods of enriching uranium for a bomb. The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that he has attempted to purchase high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production. Saddam Hussein has not credibly explained these activities. He clearly has much to hide.George W. Bush
clearly has much to hide.
The International Atomic Energy Agency and, reportedly, the CIA thoroughly discounted the idea that the aluminum tubes were purchased for, or could be used for, uranium refinement. (Links here, here, and here, to start. The Washington Post noted (in that last link, there) that:
The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), the U.N.-chartered nuclear watchdog, reported in a Jan. 8 preliminary assessment that the tubes were "not directly suitable" for uranium enrichment but were "consistent" with making ordinary artillery rockets -- a finding that meshed with Iraq's official explanation for the tubes.
So even the statement regarding the aluminum tubes -- forget the Niger claim -- was demonstrably false. The conclusion set forth by Bush in his State of the Union speech was, at the very least, so unsettled that it was reckless and irresponsible to set it forth as fact in the Address. (And that is a kind reading of the situation -- for certainly, once the IAEA has come out with a preliminary assessment indicating that what you want to say is probably false -- it would be lying to state the contrary unless new evidence controverted the IAEA's conclusion.)
The Washington Post story -- reporting the unreliability of repeated White House claims concerning use of the aluminum tubes to develop nuclear fuel -- is dated January 24, four days before the State of the Union address where the false claim was again advanced.
UPDATE: The Washington Post seems to have actually caught on, unlike the rest of the media, to this. The story here
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July 10, 2003
Fleischer Taunts Reporters With Verbal Prestidigitation; Tries to Make Issue Disappear
"I think the burden is on those people who think [Hussein] didn't have weapons of mass destruction to tell the world where they are."
- Ari Fleischer, July 9, 2003
"And while they're at it," added Fleischer, "It would nice if they could come up with some oil."
Fleischer also suggested that from now on, in a criminal trial, any defendant claiming his innocence should show this by proving his or her own guilt.
Fleischer also insisted that "these people" explain how magician David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
"And another thing," said Fleischer, building up steam, "those people -- those people -- should tell us where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, they're so smart."
Fleischer then asked a reporter to give him a watch -- "any watch." He then placed Helen Thomas's watch in a handkerchief, hit the handkerchief repeatedly with a hammer, and then opened up the handkerchief to reveal -- Condoleeza Rice, who jumped out of Fleischer's palm and declared, "See? You can't turn back the clock. To say otherwise is revisionist history."
Ms. Thomas's watch was never recovered.
The next day, Senator Robert Byrd questioned Donald Rumsfeld during his testimony before the Armed Services Committee.
"What I'd really like to know, said the Senator," is why "those people" had better intelligence than we did."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ducks, weaves, and prepares to throw a hard left during his recent appearance before Congress.
July 08, 2003
Majority of Americans Believe Bush "Stretched The Truth"
Smaller Group Says Truth Was Put On The Rack And Made To Sing "Danny Boy"
Yesterday, PollingReport.com reported that a majority of Americans believed Bush "stretched the truth" but did not tell a lie in making the case for the Iraq war.
Ten percent of Americans stated that the White House had stretched the truth so much that it looked like Gumby after he had been pulled in opposite directions by two teams of Budweiser Clydesdales.
According to the poll, most Americans also believe that:
- seven to twelve half-truths equal a whole truth;
- a white lie is fibbing but not really lying; and
- reckless exagerration constitutes massaging the facts but not maiming them.
Significant numbers of people polled also believed that Saddam Hussein was the direct cause of the World Trade Center attack, that the war uncovered links between Saddam Hussein and al Queda, and that Arnold Schwarzenegger has been the governor of California for the past three years.
Read More »
Which would you say is the best way to complete the following sentence?
A "white lie" can reasonably justify the loss of:
(a) 100 lives;
(b) 500 lives;
(c) 1000 lives;
(d) Not even a single life.
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July 07, 2003
Bush Defends Blair Against Claim That British "Sexed Up" Intelligence Dossier
Bush Plays Golf, Too; Uses Nine-Iron
President Bush, commenting on the BBC's claim that Tony Blair had "sexed up" British intelligence reports about 's WMD development, said, "These were not sexy dossiers, and rumors that these dossiers were provided to high level ministers during visits to sperm banks are absolutely untrue."
Bush said, "I know the British are kinky, but they're not that kinky."
BBC's Michael Tottingham-Smythe-Fitzhugh-Byrne stated otherwise: "These were the sexiest dossiers I'd ever seen. They were dripping with black lace. I didn't see all of them but these were the kind of dossiers where what you weren't able to see was covered up in a way which just made you want to see more."
Ari Fleischer stated: "I saw the dossiers and frankly, they didn't do a thing for me."
Fitzhugh-Byrne later remarked, "If they didn't affect him, then he's not a man."
July 04, 2003
White House Decides War Safer than Peace
Bush Seeks New War To Save U.S. Soldiers' Lives
On May 1, 2003, President George W. Bush stood on the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and announced the end of the war. However, the ensuing peace has not been kind.
At least one American soldier has died for each day passed since the war's end -- more than 60 deaths so far -- and scores more have been injured. Accordingly, the White House today announced it was searching for a war to start "in order to immediately ameliorate the growing danger to our young servicemen and women overseas."
Iran is a possibility, and Syria could also be a target. White House officials said that where the next war takes place is irrelevant. "The important thing is not to spend a lot of time deliberating about who to attack, but to attack as soon as possible, so we can get this deadly peace behind us," said Donald Rumsfeld.
"It's not a guerilla war that's killing us," Rumsfeld explained. "It's guerilla peace."
"The fact that the majority of these deaths -- almost 40 so far -- come from non-combat related instances, simply shows how dangerous peace can be," Rumsfeld added.
Karl Rove dismissed suggestions that war was safer for President Bush's relelection campaign than peace. "That's simply absurd,' he said, as he watched President Bush happily playing a round of golf.
Read More »
The New York Times notes:
Since major combat for the 150,000 troops in was declared over on May 1, more than 60 Americans, including 25 killed in hostile encounters, have died in Iraq, about half the number of deaths in the two months of the initial campaign.The Washington Post reports that the latest attack -- a retaliatory strike by U.S. soldiers on Iraqis -- was at 10:30 this morning, the 4th of July:
U.S. troops today killed 11 is who ambushed a convoy outside Baghdad in one of the heaviest clashes since major hostilities in the war ended two months ago.
The ambush came hours after mortars hit a nearby base, wounding 18 U.S. soldiers. In a third incident, a sniper shot and killed an American soldier guarding the Baghdad museum, the military said.
The incidents cast a shadow over the July 4 holiday for U.S. troops stationed in but many said they planned to continue celebrations despite the renewed violence.
Update: Billmon of Whiskey Bar says it perfectly here.
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July 03, 2003
An Open Letter To President Bush From An Employee
Where are the weapons of mass destruction? Turning to his Baghdad proconsul, Paul Bremer, Bush asked, "Are you in charge of finding Iraq WMD?" Bremer said no, he was not. Bush then put the same question to his Iraq military commander, General Tommy Franks. But Franks said it wasn't his job either. A little exasperated, Bush asked, So who is in charge of finding WMD? After aides conferred for a moment, someone volunteered the name of Stephen Cambone, a little-known deputy to Donald Rumsfeld, back in Washington. Pause. "Who?" Bush asked.
- Time Magazine, July 7, 2003
Dear Mr. President,
I was deeply saddened and disappointed to learn from -- not from a fellow staffer, Mr. President, but from the media -- that you had forgotten who I was and what I was doing in your service. Remember your nickname for me -- "Honker" -- not because I have a big nose (though I do), but because, you said, I am "sniffing out those WMD like one of those big-nosed hound dogs for the U.S. of A.?" And then you laughed a lot. Overlong, really, but I am proud to work for you.
Remember when you asked me to come to the Oval Office recently? Remember how you said you had faith in me but maybe I had better look around the Oval Office and see if I could find "any fricking WMD there because I certainly hadn't found any in Iraq?" In front of Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz and everybody. I didn't appreciate being forced to crawl around the Oval, looking under the chairs and stuff, or under the sofa cushions, especially with Dick still sitting on them, but I did it, because I understood that you were making a point, I guess.
Perhaps you forgot I was in charge of the hunt for WMD because I had suggested, in what I believed to be a moment of clarity, that someone over in Iraq should be supervising the search for weapons there, as opposed to somebody sitting behind a desk reviewing paperwork about it in D.C. many miles away. Does any of this ring a bell, Mr. President?
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that we haven't found any WMD yet. I didn't mean to sound bitter.
Dr. Stephen Cambone,
Under Secretary of Defense For Intelligence
Read More »
It's absolutely shocking to me that Bush might not know who Dr. Stephen Cambone is. Although Time described him as a "little-known deputy," he appears to have been linked to Iraq and Rumsfeld for years. I haven't dug up his entire background as yet, but a Pentagon spokesman told me that he had recently been Director of the DoD Office of Programs Analysis and Evaluation before being promoted to his current position -- a position created by Donald Rumsfeld specifically for the war against terrorism. Cambone was sworn in on March 11, 2003.
There are only five Under Secretaries in the Pentagon. Cambone is the first Under Secretary for Intelligence ever.
It appears from a quick search of the web and of documents at the DoD web site that he has long been an advocate and architect of Rumsfeld's plan for transforming the military; a paper he authored in 1996 as a Senior Fellow for the Center for Strategic and International Studies suggested that the ABM treaty with Russia was having a strongly negative effect on U.S. abilities to develop effective Ballistic Missile Defense systems, names Dick Cheney and advocates arguments he set forth as Secretary of Defense under Bush I and thereafter, supporting ways that the U.S. could violate the spirit of the ABM treaty without violating the letter of the law.
It seems fair to conclude that this position led to Bush II's repudiation of the ABM treaty.
Cambone also may have been at the forefront of efforts to redesign military weapons platforms to increase both their standoff ability (the ability to strike targets from afar) and to conduct special operations. One of the developments Cambone has trumpeted involves the emergence of the SSGN class of submarines, which could carry a payload of 154 cruise missiles, as well as having the capability to deliver SEAL special operations teams to combat or covert operation sites using small submersilbiles -- minisubs and other devices -- launched from the submarine itself.
I found it interesting that the official magazine of the the U.S. Submariner force envisioned serious U.S. military engagement in active combat in 2007 and 2008 in its article on SSGN's:
November 15, 2007 – “Reporting live from the Submarine Base in Bangor, Washington, this is Rich Levins of the U.S. News Network. We are here to witness the first deployment of USS Michigan (SSGN-727) as she joins U.S. forces currently engaged in combat operations overseas. Completing conversion last year, Michigan is a TRIDENT submarine modified to carry up to 154 cruise missiles and as many as 66 Special Forces personnel for months at a time.
- "SSGN: A Transformational Force for the U.S. Navy"
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Posted by Tom at 09:38 AM
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July 02, 2003
Republicans Make Early Gains In Securing Naked Florida Vote; Placing Nudism On GOP Platform
Time Magazine reports that nudism -- that pasttime which challenges Americans to play ping pong and jump around without jiggling or swinging certain body parts -- has resurged in popularity. The force behind the rebirth? Republicans.
Their key issues are tax reform and terrorism; they like Golf Magazine and GMC Safari vans. And most have kids at home.
Republicans have discovered that nudism promotes key family values, said Ray Blipman, a native of Lake Como, Florida, where skin reigns and clothing stains. "When you see your parents naked, it tends to dampen the sexual appetite a bit," Ray said. "Keeps the youngsters chaste."
It's an abrupt turnaround for Republicans, where bad dressing and a lack of transparency in government have long been the norm.
Democrats are at a loss as to how to combat the Republican liplock on nude bodies. Terry McAuliffe, chairman of the DNC, now claims that Democrats' more casual dress style has always been more closely aligned with the goals of naked people. "Look at James Carville," he said. "Hardly ever wore a suit in his life. Sleeps naked."
Needless to say, the image of a naked James Carville hasn't done much for the Democratic party.
July 01, 2003
Bush's Talks With God Involve TV, Baseball
Bush Forgets To Ask Key Questions About Assigned Missions
George W. Bush, who recently said that God had told him to fight al Queda, invade , make peace in the Middle East, and "stop smirking so much," revealed that he had forgotten to ask key questions of the Lord and that their discussions usually revolved around old television shows and the state of baseball in America.
"God said I was an idiot to trade Sammy Sosa," said Bush, referring to a poor decision made during his ownership of the Texas Rangers.
Further probing of the nature of Bush's discussions with God puzzled Americans today, particularly God's concern with the stumbling Detroit Tigers franchise. According to Bush, God frequently said, "I gave them some great hitters, but they still can't break .250. What's up with that?"
Particularly disturbing was the revelation that, during his discussions with God, Bush forgot to ask key questions such as, "Where's Osama bin Laden?," "Is Saddam Hussein still alive?," and "What's the deal with Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction?" Instead, he said, "we often discussed Gilligan's Island."
"God was angry about the Mary Anne/Ginger debate," said Bush. "He said people who were focused on which girl they liked best were missing the point."
June 30, 2003
Hispanics Officially Named Largest U.S. Minority; Hate Groups Scrambling To Redirect Hate
Prejudiced groups and individuals asked for more time to refashion discriminatory behavior and simple bigotry after an announcement that Hispanics, not African Americans, are now the largest minority group in America.
Justin Flatbean of South Carolina, known for first calling the Hebrew language "Hebonics," needed more time to fashion a suitably derogatory term for the Spanish language. "These latinos are always jabbering away in this other language," he said. "And they don't speak English good."
While some hate groups were surprised by the development, others have been relatively quick to adapt. Brendan Todd, Grand Wizard of the KKK, noted that his group had been prejudiced against Hispanics for a long time already, so they "have a head start."
Republicans were not so fortunate. They were considering redrawing school districts to ensure that Hispanics were forced to go to poorly funded and deteriorating public schools. "This will take a lot of time," said a unidentified Republican Congressman, Tom Delay. "We've got a lot of instiutionalized racism that needs to be overhauled to account for the change. The only step we've taken in anticipation of this was getting a lot of token Hispanics in Republican positions, so I think we're okay there."
June 27, 2003
Wife Wants Husband To Perform Constitutionally Sanctioned Act
Husband Fears Trap
Jefferson Brooks has been asked by his wife, Louise Brooks,to perform a constitutionally protected act upon her sometime this weekend.
Mr. Brooks was skeptical and a perhaps a bit confused. "She wants me to perform homosexuality on her?"
After a bit of frantic whispering between Brooks and his wife, Mr. Brooks appeared less confused, but wary. "This is some sort of wife trick," he said. "The moment I show the slightest enthusiasm, that's the moment she'll find a way to use it against me."
June 26, 2003
Bush Administration Wondering If Fed Can Cut Rate to Negative 1 Percent
Although the Fed has just cut the interest rate down to 1%, the lowest level since 1958, Bush Administration officials are considering other ways to stimulate the economy out of fear that the latest rate cut may fail to give the economy the boost it so desperately needs. The Bush team is accordingly considering pushing a bill that would allow the Fed to cut the rate below zero.
"What could stimulate the economy more than actually paying people to borrow money," said Karl Rove, in a candid interview yesterday. "I mean, the tax cuts have done well, but we want the Fed to have every opportunity to assist these mammoth tax cuts for the rich to stimulate the economy -- stimulate it like a 30-volt blast from a cattle prod in the rear."
Other ideas for stimulating the economy include giving the economy a lube job; taking it out for a really fine steak dinner; and giving the economy a three martini-lunch. Some members of the Bush Treasury Department want to take the economy to a Japanese massage parlor. "That's always worked for me, " Dilbert Herrington Pump IV said anonymously.
Some government officials think the key is to align the country more closely with conditions in 1958. Measures might include:
- Republishing Leon Uris's Exodus;
- Relaunching Sputnik;
- Doing a remake of Gigi; and
- Exhuming Eisenhower.
June 24, 2003
90% of Americans Who Said They Didn't Care About Lying Were Lying, New Study Says
The vast majority of Americans who had indicated to pollsters that they "did not care" that President Bush may have lied about Iraq's possession of WMD's were probably willfully misleading pollsters, according to a study conducted by Truth in Poll Gathering, a Washington-based research group.
Preston Bleener told reporters that, when contacted, 9 out of 10 Americans told TPG that they had falsely informed pollsters that they "liked it when Presidents lie," "liked it particularly when President Bush lied," and "really liked to be lied to about the need to go to war."
"In truth," said Bleener, "We discovered that these same people also told pollsters, it turns out, that `they enjoy bubonic plague' and also `wish that Push, Nevada had never been cancelled.'"
Why lie? George Wendell, a farmer from Tennesee said that he never "feeled the need" to tell pollsters what he really felt. "Here are these folks," he said, as he milked a cow, "They call ya when it's not convenient. And then they want you to tell them things for free that they sell to some other folks. Well, I say you get what you pay for."
Bleener said the study involved over three thousand people from all the country who had been polled on the issue of the President's statements on WMD in the past month.
"Or, at least, that's what they told us."
Posted by Tom at 11:45 PM
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New Test For Supreme Court Nominees Involves Membership In All-White Country Club
Justice Thomas A Member For Past Seven Years
In the wake of a Supreme Court ruling upholding affirmative action, angry conservatives are calling for a new "litmus test" to be applied to prospective nominees to any newly vacated Court seat. The test will measure the potential Justice's position on affirmative action.
"The test is whether they can successfully join the Riverdale Country Club," said John Milk, a senior analyst at the Brookings Institute. The Riverdale Country Club is an exclusive single-race club, where non-whites are permitted to enter -- as waiters and servants.
Willy Loman, an African-American from Chevy Chase, has worked at the Riverdale Country Club for twenty-five years. "I've parked cars, I've waited tables, I've washed dishes. Sometimes I'm just the guy who spit polishes members' shoes in the bathrooms."
Scalia is already a member of the club. Said Loman, speaking off-the-record, "Whenever he comes by, it's a little strange. That Thomas guy goes wherever he does, eats whatever he does, goes to the bathroom when he does, it's like he wants to be some kind of white Italian guy."
Conservatives who oppose affirmative action were "shocked, shocked," at any suggestion race played a factor in Justice Thomas's nomination to the Supreme Court. John Milk said, "I thought it was because he liked milk."
Justice Souter had been a member of the Riverdale Country Club, but his membership was revoked after a series of liberal dissents. Charles Whiteman-Wilson III, director of the club's membership committee, said, "He wasn't rejected because he wasn't white enough for us -- race played no factor in the decision -- it's just -- how I do put it? He's got a really small head. It's absolutely tiny. He looks like a turtle."
FBI Arrests Karl Rove On Anonymous Tip By Ashcroft; Guidelines For Use of Tips Subsequently Narrowed
In the wake of news that false terrorism tips have been uprooting the lives of innocent suspects, a recent encounter between Karl Rove and the FBI has come to light.
An anonymous tipster (John Ashcroft) provided the FBI with information leading to the subsequent arrest of Karl Rove as a suspected terrorist about two weeks ago.
Special Agent Hans "Christian" Anderson and partner Martin Asphalt had received a wanted notice for a "chubby balding man with glasses and expensive, ugly ties" who "was up to no good" and "possibly linked to terrorist activities." Several hours after receiving the APB, Anderson and Asphalt saw a man fitting this description lingering over the magazine section at Walmarts, where he was purportedly "fondling a copy of Maxim." (Rove late claimed that the magazine was The Weekly Standard, and that he had not been "caressing" it, as agents had described.)
The agents immediately picked Rove up and transported him to a secret detention center in Arlington, where, during interrogation, Rove repeatedly turned bright red screaming, "I'm the President, you morons."
Agent Asphalt often responded by picking up a copy of The Washington Post and showing him the cover. "This is the President," he would say. Rove blustered in response, "That man's a complete simpleton. I run everything."
Correcting himself later, Rove told the agents that "He was one of the most prominent members of President Bush's staff, and that he worked at the White House," but the agents noted that they had never seen him anywhere. Agent Asphalt later recalled bleakly that he and his partner had laughed "really loud and hard" whenever Rove had pointed out the m that they "were in a world of trouble now." Agent Asphalt is presently awaiting trial on charges stemming from the discovery of over 20 pounds of cocaine found in an FBI evidence bag in his bedroom closet, moments after Rove's release.
Things might have been straightened out quickly if the agents had permitted Rove access to a phone or provided him with a lawyer, but FBI policies prohibited allowing suspects of terrorism to have any contact with anyone in the outside world. As a result of the debacle, president Bush immediately issued guidelines narrowing the use of anonymous tips by the FBI.
One of the changes prohibits FBI agents from arresting anyone who is caught reading Maxim magazine.
June 20, 2003
Rumsfeld Points Out D.C. Crime Worse Than Baghdad's; D.C. Residents Pack Immediately
In the wake of a remark by Donald Rumsfeld in which he noted that the Baghdad crime rate was lower than the District of Columbia's, thousands of D.C. residents packed their bags and readied themselves to leave the Nation's capital for greener pastures.
"We just want to raise our children in a safe place," said Miles Seecars, a former Pentagon pool reporter. "Secretary Rumsfeld echoed what many have of us have said for a long time: D.C.'s crime rate is so awful, I'm just grateful that we have someplace better to go. East L.A. might be better, too, but I prefer Baghdad."
Billy Mickelson, whose bags were packed and was ready to go, had a slightly different take on it. "Why should only U.S. soldiers get to occupy Iraq?"
June 19, 2003
Rumsfeld Unveils Invisible Can of "Whoop Ass" To Take Care of "Crime Problem" In
At a press briefing today, Donald Rumsfeld pooh-poohed suggestions that anti-American violence by is was out of control and noted that the Baghdad crime rate was lower than the District of Columbia's. Rumsfled added that he and Paul Bremer had decided to open invisible cans of "whoop-ass" which would quickly take care of the problem.
"I say to the U.S. soldiers in : your wives and children need not worry," said Rumsfeld, holding up a proto-type invisible can for the press. "Whoop-ass is here."
When asked by reporter Miles Seecars why the mysterious cans of "whoop-ass" had not been used in the District of Columbia, Rumsfeld appeared to pull on a invisible tab on the top of the invisible can he was holding, tilted it toward Seecars. Seecars suddenly crumpled to the ground. When questioned later about it, all Seecars would say was that he thought that his ass had been whooped.
Posted by Tom at 04:27 PM
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June 18, 2003
Following Ancient Diplomatic Tradition, Sharon Will "Hound" Hamas Into Sanctioning Peace Treaty
Most Notable Diplomatic Posture Since Churchill Nagged Stalin At Yalta In 1945
Ariel Sharon joined the ranks of history's finest negotiators yesterday after promising to hound Hamas into supporting a Mideast peace agreement. In doing so, Sharon joined the ranks of the elite few who have successfully nudged the opposition party into signing a treaty -- or even into what some might call "extreme compromises." The tactic has only been used by some of history's greatest leaders.
A few famous examples:
1066 - The Badgering of Hastings: William the Conqueror harangues the Saxons until Harold II agrees to yield the English crown.
1190 B.C. - Odysseus hectors Aeneas into withdrawing from Troy and possibly Helen.
215 B.C. - Hannibal needles Philip of Macedonia, taunting him with elephants until he allies with Carthage.
1865 - Grant bullyrags Lee at Appomattox.
1876 - Custer pesters Sitting Bull at Little Big Horn. (considered to have been a mistake)
1914 - Extreme razzing of Archduke Ferdinand by Slav Gavrilo Princip (could I make this name up?) leads to World War I.
1941 - Roosevelt mercilessly heckles Hirohito until he resigns from World War II. (Some consider dropping of atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki a factor.)
June 16, 2003
Democrats Divided Over How To Sink Party
Debate Is Whether To Offer Lukewarm Disagreement Or Simply Mimick Republican Position
Democrats, members of the "opposition" party, are engaged today in a disagreement about how to ensure their parties failure in upcoming national elections. The crux of today's debate centers upon how to characterize blatant untruths told by George W. Bush about Iraqi weapons possession during the national "debate" on whether to invade Iraq. Should they be called "lies"? Or should Democrats say, as Senator Hillary Clinton urged, that "serious questions have been raised that need to be answered." Another position backed by Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman was that lying for political gain is perfectly acceptable, as long as it's for a good cause, or on a weekday.
A highly placed anonymous source in the Democratic Party (Terry McAuliffe, head of the DNC) said, in a panicky voice, "What if we say he was lying about WMD and then he finds some? What are we gonna do then? What are we gonna do?"
Only a few, like Sen. Bob Graham, who keeps diaries noting where he scratches himself each day, assert that Americans might be interested in knowing that President Bush induced them to back a war on the basis of completely fabricated notions he reported in State of the Union speeches as cold, hard facts.
While Democrats were wrestling over the issue of whether to point out that Bush told Americans that Saddam Hussein had purchased uranium to make nuclear bombs when it was well known that this never occurred, Bush raised another $50 million in campaign funds.
Or at least, that's what he says.
June 12, 2003
White House Chides Israel For Attempted Murder Of Hamas Leader
Could Ruin Future Photo Opportunities, Say Bush, Rove
The White House, concerned that Israeli attempts to snuff out the life of the leader of Hamas, sent "strong signals" to Prime Minister Sharon today not to try anything like this until after the 2004 election.
"This kind of violence," said Rove, "is absolutely dangerous to the practice of showing photographs of Bush shaking hands of Mideast leaders and claiming to have engineered peace. Any attempted assassination puts us in the position of having to organize another photo opportun-- excuse me, "peace summit." It even endangers our ability to pass around the old pictures and say that they're new ones."
Sharon was unapologetic, and suggested airbrushing any Hamas leaders out of the pictures already taken.
Ari Fleischer, who was in the middle of packing his bags to go on a world wide cruise around America, said, "This kind of violence is a threat of the worst kind to any image that President Bush is actually promoting peace in the Middle East. I am shocked that anyone would consider impeding President Bush's attempts to get elected."
June 11, 2003
Claimed Iraqi Bioweapons Trailers Revealed To be Winnebagos
Leather Bucket Seats Were Key Clue
Independent analysts who were permitted to inspect several recovered trailers which the CIA had concluded were mobile biological weapons factories reported that the trailers were clearly Winnebagos. "I'm not sure which tipped me off first," said Dr. Alvin Irkman of the North Atlantic Biological Confederate. "It was either the spacious living room with custom-designed, sculptured carpet and imported Italian ceramic tile floorcovering or the exclusive Ulti-Bay chassis with multiple slideout floorplan and Storemore ® undercarriage slideout storage space. Maybe it was the deluxe bedroom with spacious cedar-lined closet, beautiful wood cabinetry, decorative wainscoting, real wooden headboard, 19" TV and standard rear stereo that I've come to expect from Winnebago."
CIA officials disputed the suggestion that the trailers were anything but mobile bioweapons labs, pointing out that the labs had fermenters for growing germs connected to pipes for siphoning off the "bioweapon slurry" for further processing elsewhere.
"That's a chemical toilet with waste disposal hookup for connection to trailer park facilities," said Irkman. "It's next to the exterior wash station with pump switch, paper towel holder, and soap dispenser."CIA drawing of trailer interior.CIA photograph of trailer exterior.
June 09, 2003
Rice, Powell: Nothing Wrong With Intelligence; It Was Decision-Making That Sucked
WASHINGTON, D.C., Sunday - Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell made the rounds on Sunday Morning television yesterday, stating firmly that there was nothing wrong with intelligence estimates of Saddam Hussein's possession of WMD. Rice commented on recent charges that the intelligence reports were "cooked" to back up political motivations. "This is absolutely untrue," said Rice, appearing on ABC's "This Week."
"The intelligent reports were not tailored or doctored in any way," she said. "It was the speeches and statements of the Administration that were politically motivated. It is revisionist history to say otherwise."
Powell defended the Administration's handling of the intelligence. "It would be silly to put political pressure on the CIA analysts. We don't have to. We're the only ones who get to see their reports. We can say those reports said whatever we want."
Powell was speaking to Tim Russert on "The Sunday Beginning-of-the-Week Propaganda Cycle" (also known as "Meet The Press"). "Everyone knows truth is the first casualty of war. Any misstatement by the Administration regarding the true nature of the threat posed by Hussein was just collateral damage."
June 08, 2003
Unemployment Rate Skyrockets To 6.1%; Bush Team Calls It "Great Opportunity for Economic Growth"
Prefers To Call Unemployed "Democrats"
Faced with the longest sustained period without job growth since the period before World War II (that is, since the Great Depression), the White House noted that the enormous number of lost jobs shows that the economy is recovering. White House economists explained projections had been for even more massive job losses: "Frankly," said Secretary of Labor Elaine L. Chao, "We are encouraged by the pace of the lack of growth."
White House economists pointed to record purchases of flat screen TVs and Playstation 2's with maxed-out credit cards as a sign that the economy is doing well. (One umployed person explained: "There are no jobs out there. Might as well sit around and play Medal of Honor.")
While the White House was toying with a variety of phrases for the unemployed, such as "previously owned workers," and "pre-employed laborers," Karl Rove simply called them "Democrats."
"Typical democrats," said Rove,"losing their jobs and blaming it on the Republicans. Next thing you know they'll be whining that they can't afford adequate health care."
Vice-President Dick added, "I know there are some real people out there who might be in-between jobs, but this is just a phase. "
"After all," he continued, "Everyone I know is working."
June 06, 2003
Bush Performs Faith Healings For Troops; Says "You Are Hee-yalled! Yay-ah!"
Bush Promises To "Ride Herd" Over Peace Meetings; Mideast Interpreters Mistakenly Fired
Some Arab Leaders Privately Tantalized By Suggestion
Israeli and Palestinian leaders could not understand one whit of President Bush's cowboy rhetoric at a recent photo opportunity cum meeting, so they fired most of their translators today, thinking that President Bush's garbled speech and strange Texan turns of phrase could only have been the result of poor translation. President Bush's most confusing statement was his recent declaration that he was going to "ride herd" over them until they came to an agreement. Virtually all of the translators involved in the meetings were fired, replaced, or suspended, or, in the case of some, summarily executed. Part of the problem lay in the fact that the Arabic translation of "ride herd" was, according to one source, "Morrocan and profane."
"He's going to what over us?" said Prime Minister Abbas. "Is that legal in his country?"
Sharon was no less startled by the remarks. "We in Israel ride many things," said Sharon, "but never that."
Some lower level Arab officials were secretly curious about the statement, saying they "were willing to try it," and that it sounded like they might "really, really like it."
June 05, 2003
Constant U.S. Rain, Winds Result of Putin Weather Control Machine
Russian leader Putin has acquired a weather control device that he has apparently used to destroy Spring in America. The thaw in U.S./Russia relations has led to a corresponding wave of bad weather in America which had U.S. officials puzzled until Putin unveiled his device to ensure sunny weather during a parade in Moscow. Then all became clear.
"Ha, ha," exclaimed a gleeful Putin, speaking on the "red phone" to President Bush, "Now you will go directly from a cruel, snowfilled winter to an excruciatingly hot, humid summer without one perfect picnic day!"
Putin recently bragged to a delighted Gerhardt Schroeder at the G8 summit about making spring "werry unpleasant for Americans." He also took credit for the beautiful and sunny days enjoyed by world leaders at the summit. "With this weather device," laughed Putin, "I can control . . . the world!"
June 04, 2003
Martha Stewart's Real Crimes
- Trying to make us care about doilies;
- Using the phrase "pillowing" to mean "making a pillow;"
- Being much, much too excited about wreaths;
- Urging us to grow, pick, sautee, and create ten-foot tall decorative aspargus spear trees;
- Possibly committing insider trading while not being the daughter of a Republican President of the United States;
- Making millions by herself, without any help from powerful rich friends in the oil business;
- Not making her fortune by using her father's political and business connections to buy a baseball team, finance building a new stadium by raising taxes on gullible Texans, and using the power of eminent domain to grab other people's land and homes that she could develop and sell for a fortune;
- Not enlisting the aid of an evil genius to install her as governor of a state and engineer her occupation of the White House so that he can advance his own incredibly right-wing, fundamentalist, fanatical neoconservative agenda while putting money back into the pockets of his pals who would then send both of them buckets of cash to ensure that the agenda is never changed; and
- Not having any of the media in her pocket.
June 03, 2003
"Opinions You Should Have" Bought By Rupert Murdoch; Will Now Be Called "Opinions You Will Have"
Barely a minute had passed after the FCC voted to ease media ownership restrictions when Opinions You Should Have was purchased in a hostile takeover by Rupert Murdoch . Mr. Murdoch, who owns 20th century Fox, Fox TV, The New York Post, The Sydney Mirror, Asia's Star television, and is the only media mogul to have created and controlled a truly global media empire, waited not one moment before snatching up the highly prized weblog Opinions You Should Have.
The staff of
Opinions You Should Have Opinions You Will Have regrets any impression given by previous articles. While there may be a place for specious juvenilia and left-wing satire,the new management looks upon previous articles as "youthful indiscretions" of a maturing weblog and is willing -- even enthusiastic -- to put such adolescent and bitter parodies behind them. We at the weblog look forward to achieving a sensible maturity with more serious reporting and views more appropriate to the tenor of the media jewel "Opinions" has become.
While members of the Graphics and Research departments will stay on, Mr. Thomas Burka is seeking to ingratiate himself with the new ownership while occupying the temporary position of Coffee Boy, which is a little like a cabana boy but far more limiting.
June 02, 2003
Tony Blair, President Bush, Find WMD, Forget Where They Put Them
Today, President Bush announced that he had found WMD in his left pants pocket during a dinner with Tony Blair but that they had misplaced them during dessert and a really fine cup of coffee. The WMD, which Bush swears was discovered somewhere in Iraq and relayed to him by somebody, were almost certainly there when dinner started, although Bush said, "They could be in my other suit."
Blair was unconcerned. "We're going to find more WMD, we're going find them soon, and we're going to keep on finding them." Blair went on to say that he had seen plenty of evidence of WMD and that "sooner or later, at some point, maybe not today, but hopefully by tomorrow -- or as late as mid-summer -- the people will hear about it, and they'll know what we knew and know now but won't tell them because we don't want to tell them now and we have our own truly fine, impeccable, unimpeachable reasons for hiding from them the evidence that we now known -- and have known all along.'
June 01, 2003
"Waldorf Transcripts" Show Straw, Powell, Had Excellent Appetites, Knew How To Pick Wine
The Waldorf Transcripts , transcripts of taped conversations between British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw and Gen. Colin Powell in New York's lush Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in February just hours before Powell's "big pitch" to the U.N., have surfaced, and some say they don't look too good in daylight. The transcripts have been anonymously leaked to the press by a member of the U.N. Security Counsel who was lied to about WMD in order to gain support -- in other words, Cameroon.
"We not very happy about this in Cameroon," said an unidentified Cameroonian named Jack deBont Ngongo, who drives a white porsche with the license plate JL45-E and lives on East 51st Street in New York. "Just read this," he said, handing over a portion of the transcripts:
[sound of loud crunching]
Straw: More salad?
Powell: No, no – but you can’t beat those apples and walnuts. Whoever thought of this was a genius.
Straw: Quite, quite. And this sherry is absolutely superb.
Powell: Damn fine.
Straw: Not like those intelligence reports.
Powell: [gunshot laugh] No. [to waiter] Can we get more of these , uh, little crackers?
Unidentified Waiter With Boom Microphone: Of course.
Powell: Nope, those reports don't have the crispness or the fine finish of this 1897 Chateau neuf de pape. They’re [expletive deleted].
Straw: Quite right, old chap. [talking with mouth full] I wish we had something REAL to present to the U.N. (to waiter) I need a clean fork.
Powell: I’m very troubled by it. Damn, this paté is outstanding.
Ngongo said, "Listen to that. We met with him just an hour before and we were famished. What did we get? Baloney."
May 30, 2003
Karl Rove Has Orgasm At Tax-Cut Signing Ceremony
Smokes Cigarette Outside Of Oval Office Afterwards
During President's Bush's signing of an enormous $350 billion tax cut bill, Rove suddenly emitted a low moan, gave a gasp of pleasure, and shouted, "YES, YES, YES!" just as the President put his pen to the paper.
After the ceremony, Rove took the bill into his private office for "some quality time."
Rove later claimed that he had had a "religious experience" and refused to talk further about it.
May 28, 2003
Bush Fund Raising Letter Asks For Cash, Offers Prizes
President Bush has kicked off his campaign for reelection with an appeal for cash in his first fundraising letter to a million prospective cash wranglers. In the letter, President Bush said that the election "could be close," so he needs piles and piles of money; excess cash, if any, will be raked into excess piles that donors can jump into, a popular mid-November GOP sport.
The letter set out to "incentivise" fundraisers by, among other things, awarding them fancy titles: Anyone who raises $50,000 will be called a "Pathfinder;" anyone who raises $100,000 will be called a "Man of Yale;" anyone who raises $200,000 will be called an "Industry Lobbyist;" anyone who raises $500,000 will be called a "Monopolist;" and anyone who raises more than $500,000 will be called "Kenneth Lay."
Additionally, select photo sets and valuable items will be given to the most successful fundraisers, among these being:
- Codpiece signed by President Bush in the Lincoln bedroom and worn by President Bush on the deck of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln;
- Codpiece worn by President Bush in the Lincoln Bedroom and signed by Laura Bush on the deck of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan;
- An autographed picture of President Bush watching football on TV, holding a pretzel;
- Autographed photo of young W. driving into a ditch in 1976; and
- An autographed photo of President W. driving America into a ditch in 2003.
May 22, 2003
Homeland Security Department Replaces Vigiliance With Inquisition; Ridge Unveils "Clever New Tool For Rooting Out Terrorism"
Feels Safer Than Ever
"With breathtaking clarity of vision and great ingenuity," Tom Ridge noted at a congratulatory press conference, "Judge William Crosbie has uncovered a sly and ingenious device for the detection of terrorrists living among us. It is with this in mind that I have created the Bureau of Civilian Inquisition.
Tom Ridge was praising a new tool in the fight against terrorism invented by Judge Crosbie, who capably deployed it in his courtroom in Tarrytown, New York.
Judge Crosbie was presiding in Tarrytown's village court when Anisa Khoder, a 46-year-old American citizen of Lebanese descent came before him to challenge the validity of two parking tickets. That's when Judge Crosbie leapt into action.
"Are you a terrorist?" Judge Crosbie asked. He now recalls he may have pointed an accusing finger at her and announced, in a loud clear voice, "J'accuse!"
Khoder fainted dead away, undoubtedly from the shock of having her terrible secret revealed. She was immediately spirited to an undisclosed location for interrogation; whatever her fate, authorities have been careful to point out that she will still have to take care of those two parking tickets.
Ridge, who demonstrated the technique for reporters, will be stocking the newly created Bureau with Will Parker, Beth Parker and Sam Parker, a family known for its great curiosity. The Parkers -- known for their large probosci -- will roam the countryside, asking those they encounter, "Are YOU a terrorist?" Anyone who answers yes or faints dead away will be placed in federal custody.
May 21, 2003
Public Service Retirees Discovered to Have Been Spending "More Time" With Wrong Familes
In the wake of Christy Todd Whitman's recent announcement that she was resigning from the Bush Administration so she could "spend more time with her own family," it was discovered that Karen Hughes, who had retired from the White House staff to spend more time with her own family, was mistakenly living with Norman and Brenda Kildare and their three children in Eastern Kentucky.
"We didn't know who she was," said Mrs. Kildare. "But she was just so well organized and everything that we were afraid to ask her to leave."
Rumsfeld and Cheney denied rumors that they were thinking of leaving their jobs.
"The last thing I'd want to do," said Cheney, "is spend more time with my own family."
"And I think they feel the same way," he added.
Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Orange Because Of Increase In Cable News Network Chatter
Anonymous sources from terrorist groups indicated that they had increased the likelihood of committing a terrorist act because of what they called "an incredible rise in the level of punditry and unfounded speculation" detected on MSNBC, CNN, Fox, and the Cartoon Network.
An unidentified source named Hamid Baq-ti-qar Amith, a member of al Qaeda, said, "We cannot take it anymore. This Chris Matthews with his Hard Ball is making us crazy. These Fox news people with their reporting and deciding have us climbing the walls. Someone must silence this Geraldo man. The violence must be stopped!"
Cable news networks declined to comment or speculate about the nexis between 24/7 news "coverage" and any increase in terorrorist activity. However, they did ask Ann Coulter to appear on MSNBC at 7:00 p.m. tonight to discuss the question with Greta Van Susterin, Bill O'Reilly, James Carville, Jeffrey Toobin, a host of former government officials and armed forces retirees, John Gleeson (author of "Cable News Networks, the Five Second News Cycle, and You"), and Jerry Mathers.
War Constant Obstacle to Peace in Mideast
Numerous suicide bombings in Israel are significantly deterring efforts to stop suicide bombings in Israel.
"If this war would just stop, we could get down to the business of negotiating the end of it," said Ariel Sharon today, after he cancelled a planned trip to meet with President Bush to discuss plans to make trips to discuss negotiations for peace with the Palestinians.
May 20, 2003
Bush Committed to "Road Map" For Mideast Peace, Despite Problems "Backing Out of The Driveway"
Rejects "Process," "Plan" "Schedule of Interim Goals," "Itinerary," "Agenda" As Metaphors For "Diplomatic Initiative"
President Bush today declared that he was dedicated to the "road map" as the phrase he will use to connote his otherwise undescribed plan for acheiving peace in the Middle East.
"We talked about a plan," said Bush, "and some other words. But 'Road Map' is much better, because it sounds like we know where we have to go and how to get to it."
Bush added that the stream of rhetorical metaphors which come from the phrase "road map" make it all the more enticing as an emblematic phrase: "We can say 'it's a bumpy road,' we've come upon an 'obstacle' on the road to peace, we're making an 'unscheduled U-turn' on the way to peace, 'there's a signpost up ahead,' that kind of thing. It always sounds like we're making progress -- 'coming a few clicks closer to peace' -- no matter what happens. It doesn't even matter whether we get these guys to meet, or talk, or agree upon anything. We've got a road map. They can follow the route we've charted or they can drive right off the road, but at least we can claim we've shown them the way."
May 19, 2003
Ari Fleischer to Resign This Summer; Has "Really Big Steak" To Grill
Ari Fleischer, the erstwhile press secretary famous for his deadpan delivery of Bush Administration bon mots, drollery and outright evasion -- which he comically called "information" -- today announced his pending resignation this coming summer. Fleischer stated that, after mastering the task of saying as many as twenty-eight completely contradictory things in one day, sometimes in as little as one hour, and often going for days answering hundreds of questions without providing even one meager sliver of information, he was either going to take a well-deserved rest, or he wasn't.
Asked about whether he was going to work in the private sector and whether he had yet received any job offers, Fleischer said, "That's certainly a question that we'll all want to know the answer to, and about which anyone would naturally be curious, and I'm sure the information will be made available as soon as we can get that out to you."
Fleischer did say that if it was a really hot summer he might try to see how many eggs he could fry on the top of his head "for a lark."
Although he was seen wearing a "Baghdad Ari?' t-shirt at a recent White House barbeque, Fleischer refused to answer questions relating to the upcoming opening for a Minister of Information in a soon-to-be-formed Iraqi democracy.
"I'll have to get back to you on that," Fleischer told reporters.
U.S. Forces Stop Shooting Iraqis; Offer Them $40 Instead
Iraqis Complain "Nothing To Spend It On"
U.S. forces desperate to stop the tide of Iraqi looting and unrest despairingly offered each Iraqi 40 dollars if they would just "shut up and accept democracy already."
Iraqis complained about the payoff, saying they should hold out for at least a nice DVD player or "quality watch."
Baghdad resident Sahab Sharifi complained that the settlement was not acceptable to him because "the stores have nothing left to buy," and that, in any event, there was no electricity available to run "even the cheapest of toaster ovens." He also mentioned his belief that, in America, you could get more valuable items for opening a bank account. Sharifi said, "This would be true here, as well, if any of the banks were still operating."
May 16, 2003
Dog to President Bush: Walk This
According to U.S. News and World Report, Barney, President Bush's black scotty, refuses to listen to President Bush's commands, and "rarely plays with Bush."
Barney explained, "I am so sick of dubya bringing that damn ball to me, wagging his tail, expecting me to throw it again." Barney continued, "He always has this big goofy grin and slobbers over everything. He disgusts me. It has nothing to do with my being black."
Barney dismissed the idea of spending more time with Bush. "Look, I have better things to do than lead that dope around by the nose all the time. Do I look like Karl Rove?'" Barney sniffed. "I'm very busy. I'm trying to solve this dog longevity thing. There must be a way for intelligent animals like myself to outlive morons."
Barney's ears dropped and his tail was listless. "Life isn't fair," he said. "There are good people with bad hearts who can't afford to get cardiac caths every two years like Dick . Good dogs get worms. When you scratch my belly, no matter how damn smart I am, my leg goes up and down like I have freaking palsy."
May 15, 2003
In Parallel Universe, Professor Richard Cheney Horrified To Discover Other-Dimensional Self To Be Friendly With Rumsfeld
Nobel Laureate and renowned genius Professor Richard Cheney, famed for ending the world's dependence on fossil fuels by inventing the button-sized fusion cell and revered for ushering in an era of world peace and prosperity, today fired up his newest invention -- a device capable of retrieving visual information from what he believes to be alternate and parallel universes -- and was thoroughly stunned to discover newspaper accounts of his longtime friendship with Donald Rumsfeld. Professor 's Cheney's blood congealed as he read about his vice-presidential alter-ego:
It is part of Washington lore that Donald Rumsfeld gave young Dick Cheney his start in government, hiring him as an assistant in the Nixon administration.
But Mr. Cheney revealed today that 35 years ago, when Mr. Rumsfeld was still a congressman, he flunked his first interview with the man who would eventually become his mentor, boss and hawkish ally.
"It was clear that we hadn't hit it off," the vice president said of his ill-fated 15-minute meeting in Mr. Rumsfeld's Capitol Hill office in 1968. "He thought I was some kind of airhead academic, and I thought he was rather an arrogant young member of Congress."
Professor Cheney stated: "I remember that meeting. Rumsfeld was an arrogant young man and now he's an arrogant and unrepentant convict." Reading of a purported 35-year long relationship with Rumsfeld, Professor Cheney added, "I don't know what bothers me more, my friendship with Rumsfeld or that that crook Nixon was President. I want to puke."
Professor Cheney, known for his glowing, positive demeanor and a joie de vivre that is the envy of all, not to mention his phenomenal health, has never been so publicly demoralized. "In this other world," Professor Cheney said, "I'm a penny-pinching miser bent on destroying the environment just so I can make a few lousy bucks. I am arrogant, my friends are arrogant, and we are bent on world domination. No wonder this other Cheney has heart trouble."
May 14, 2003
Today, U.S.Administrator Paul Bremer adopted a new policy to combat crime in Iraq permitting U.S. forces to try and sentence alleged criminals as soon as, or even before, they have been taken into custody. To speed up the process, which can normally take as long as ten minutes, U.S. forces will execute sentence first, shooting and killing alleged criminals, and hold the trials afterward. Families of suspects who are acquitted will receive stunning floral bouquets.
Bremer called this a "more muscular" approach to crime fighting. He said that he had rejected an "intestinal" approach, a "monosylabic" approach, a "gesticular" approach, an "aerodynamic" approach, and a "septicemic" approach before settling on "muscularity" as the buzzword for his plan.
Iraqis took comfort in the thought that the tide of violence and anarchy awash in the streets of Baghdad since Saddam's ouster would soon be stemmed by roving groups of U.S. soldiers firing at them willy-nilly.
May 13, 2003
Jay Garner Demoted to Shoulder Rest For Reporters At Press Conferences
Retired U.S. General Jay Garner was visibly unsettled when he was demoted from the position of U.S. Administrator of Iraq to shoulder rest at the press conferences of the new administrator, civilian Paul Bremer III.
"It's humiliating," said Garner.
At Bremer's first press conference, Garner was asked to prop up the arm of television news reporter Hans Needleman of WZID, so Needleman could position his tape recorder microphone in front of Bremer before playing his tape over the phone to his boss back in Cornhaven, Idaho.
Reporters later asked Garner who he was, and why he was looked like Harvey Keitel playing a disgruntled assassin in Reservoir Dogs, but without the nice suit.
May 12, 2003
Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax Captured; Colonel Mustard Still At Large
Today, U.S. officials announced to feeble-minded Americans and President Bush that "Dr. Germ’" had surrendered in Baghdad. "Dr. Germ" is Dr. Rihab Taha, the scientist alleged to have been the leader of Iraq's biological weapons program. Today, Condoleeza Rice, whom President Bush calls "Professor," informed the President that "Dr. Germ" was in custody but that the whereabouts of "Mr. Dictator" were still unknown. President Bush learned of the incident while he was using "Mr. Fork" and "Mr. Knife" to eat his lunch.
The infamous Colonel Mustard, chief of Iraq's chemical weapons program and a suspect in a number of killings in ballrooms, libraries, studies, and conservatories all over the world, remains unapprehended, although it is rumored that a lead pipe and a candlestick were found suspiciously near a knife, pistol and rope in a secret passageway connecting two rooms in one of Baghdad's Presidential Palaces.
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, whom the President knows as "Mary Ann," had no comment.
May 10, 2003
Mideast Road Map Hard To Read, Impossible to Fold
Yesterday, a bitter dispute broke out between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas over whether to take an immediate left turn, or stop at the next service plaza and ask directions on the way to peace. At last report, the pair had pulled over to the side of the road to once again examine the road map.
Sharon insists on taking the Interstate at least as far as the West bank, but Abbas want to take backroads to avoid traffic. "The Interstate gets completely backed up this time of year," said Abbas. shaking his head in frustration. "It's crazy," he told Sharon. "We'll just be sitting there, inching ahead, barely moving -- we'll get stuck there a million miles from an offramp, I know it."
"Many of these roads are not even on the map, as far as I can see," Sharon replied. "We're just going to get lost."
Among other disagreements the parties have encountered are who gets to drive, who gets to ride shotgun, and whether to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Thankful" CD (Sharon) or Duran Duran (Abbas) during the trip.
Finally, Secretary of State Colin Powell's backseat driving has become, according to the Prime Ministers, "intolerable." "I don't think he has a clue about how to get where we're going, but he won't shut up," said Abbas.
Sharon was more direct: "Don't make me reach back there."
May 09, 2003
Enterprising GOP Senators Raise Taxes So They Can Cut Them; Will Also Restore Frederick Douglass House Then Tear It Down
Enterprising GOP Congressmen were on a roll, stopping at nothing, working around the clock to get some real work done in Washington. First they're going to raise taxes so they can cut them, then they're going to restore the home of Frederick Douglass, then bulldoze it.
"Since we renamed the French Fry, we've just been on a productive roll unlike anything Americans have seen before," said Dennis Hastert. Future GOP projects include:
- dropping watermelons off of the Capitol dome and then gluing them back together;
- filling up the Grand Canyon with loam and turning it into a stunning golf course, and then "maybe" digging the Canyon again;
- flying to Denver, Colorado and hopping the very next flight back; and
- putting toothpaste back in the tube.
May 07, 2003
Are We Not Men? We Are Devo: Scientists Discover New Subspecies of Man
Scientists have discovered a subspecies of hominids which demonstrates "devolution," or the process of a complicated species regressing down the evolutionary chain. The sub-species, called Homo sapiens democraticus, is notable in that, while it retains the characteristics of mammals (mammalia), it has lost the spinal chord or backbone typically found in vertebrates and also lacks the gift of true speech. Said Anthropologist Dr. Norman Brewster, "They gibber somewhat but are largely silent." He added, "There are other ways in which this represents a dramatic differentiation of the species: while they appear to reproduce sexually, as is characteristic of mammals, huge numbers of the subspecies seem totally impotent."
Biologists were also investigating another subspecies, which also has traditionally been classified as human but is quite thick-skulled and lacks the diastema (the space between the teeth that allows the mouth to close) found in all hominids since Australopithecus. This is especially perplexing, said scientists, because this species walks around fully erect. "These animals have permanent hard-ons," said Dr. Brewster. "Moreover, while they reproduce sexually and, in fact, have sex all over the place they are culturally ashamed of the act. Perhaps this is because almost all of them are absolutely terrible in bed." The proposed name for the subsecies is Homo sapiens republicanus. Brewster stated, "Anyone having difficulty pronouncing it should remember this simple rule: The emphasis is placed on the "anus."
Sitting Democrat Discovered To Have Orbs of Alloyed Copper and Zinc; Rest of Party Flees in Fear
Yet again, Senator Robert Byrd shocked his colleagues when he criticized President Bush for using "an aircraft carrier . . . as an advertising backdrop for a presidential political slogan," and made other remarks suggesting that Bush's address on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, as well as his arrival by jet wearing a U.S. Air Force flight suit, was improper. Byrd said that Bush was a "desk-bound president" improperly assuming the "garb of a warrior" to make a campaign commercial.
Upon hearing Byrd's remarks, Congressional democrats wet themselves and fled in a panic from the Capitol, trampling several pages in the process. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is running for President, coughed up a matzoh ball onto the lap of Teddy Kennedy, who found it there several hours later and put it with his golf clubs. Richard Gephardt was said to have become quite pale, but the allegation was impossible to confirm.
Byrd had already frightened his colleagues last year when he voted against the war in , saying that giving the President the authority to go to war in order to help the President resolve the conflict peacefully "was absurd.' Senate Democrats called him "insane," "dangerous," and "wacky."
The only Democratic member of Congress to stay in the Capitol with Byrd was Congressman Henry Waxman, who caused many of his colleagues to throw themselves off of the top of the Congressional Record (Vol. 5, 2003; height of nearly one foot) by asking the GAO to investigate and provide Congress with the cost of President Bush's trip to an aircraft carrier that was so close to the San Diego shoreline, he could have rowed himself out to it.
May 05, 2003
Excerpts from William Bennett's "Children's Book of Virtues"
- Always split aces;
- When splitting aces, make sure you're playing blackjack. If you're playing poker, do not split them;
- When playing craps, take the maximum odds allowed;
- When taking craps, do not lay odds.
May 01, 2003
Poll Conclusively Shows That Bush's Drive to Deprive Americans of Health Care, Education, and Clean Air Paying Off
Sick, poor, Americans, poorly informed and barely educated, told pollsters even as they choked on rancid air and drank water with god-knows-what in it, told pollsters they thought the President was doing great. A new poll by the Washington Post and ABC News found that Americans think very well of the job President Bush is doing, even though they don't think he's doing a very good job at all. Americans consistently and overwhelmingly decided that Bush was a "strong leader," and they all agreed that he was leading them to lose jobs, money, and government services. 57% of Americans gave Bush low marks for presiding over the only job-losing Presidency other than Hoover's , and that he was doing a horrible job dealing with rising costs of prescription drugs, health care, and insurance. Thus, most of these Americans said, they thought Bush was doing "a pretty good job," and would almost certainly "vote for him again."
Pollsters found the data easy to interpret. Glenn Sandersonsky of Rigby Biweekly Polls said, "These numbers look good, but they could still mean trouble for Bush. Terrorism at the expense of domestic welfare could be the big issue that drives the G.O.P. into the hole here or, it could be the issue that saves them from the disastrous economy, as in the previous midterms. Democrats may be able to use the economy and Bush's foreign policies to sink him; then again, the way they handle it may give Bush little floaties that help him to swim. I have to go now. I'm betting on some horses."
April 30, 2003
Iraqis Protest Shooting of Iraqis by U.S. Soldiers; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them
FALLUJAH, -- In a second incident in as many days, U.S. troops fired on Iraqi protesters protesting the shooting and killing of Iraqi protesters by U.S. troops the day before. Two protesters were killed.
Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld addressed is from one of the Presidential palaces in Baghdad. "Iraq belongs to you," he said. "It's only the bullets that belong to us."
Tomorrow, President Bush will stand on the deck of a really big aircraft carrier and announce that the war is over. "We've licked this whole thing," he said today.
He was later heard to mutter, "If only we could get those Iraqis to stop shooting at us."
Iraqis Celebrate; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them
A small horde, group, or mass of Iraqis were either protesting the occupation of a school by U.S. forces or unwisely celebrating the birthday of Saddam Hussein when U.S soldiers in the school opened fire and either killed 13 or 15 of them or killed some of them while others were killed by what was called "celebratory gunfire."
Soldiers in an elevated, enclosed schoolroom, unaware of either the lack of firecrackers in Baghdad or the practice of firing guns into the air to celebrate an event, apparently mistook the "celebratory gunfire"-- bullets fired up into the air that, obeying the laws of gravity, return to earth and accidentally revisit the shooter -- for "noncelebratory gunfire" -- in other words, people trying to kill them -- and killed members of the birthday party.
News accounts differ. Some said the Iraqis were unarmed; others said that they were shooting off the guns into the air to protest the presence of U.S. soldiers in the schoolhouse; other said they were firing into the air to celebrate Hussein's birthday; others said that the Iraqis were dancing around a maypole and occasionally playing London bridge; one account said that Iraqis were threatening American forces with nuclear weapons and water pistols. The Washington post squared all of these accounts by simply reporting: "Details remained murky."
April 29, 2003
Bush Signs Pact With Terrorist Group; White House Analysts Conclude That U.S. Must Invade Self
In light of President's Bush's repeated statements that nations that are against terrorism are "for us," and that nations that deal with terrorists are "against us," Senior White House officials have reluctantly concluded that a contract between the United States and a terrorist group on the State Department's list of terrorist organizations means that the United States will have to declare war on itself unless the United States ignores its own demands that the agreement be terminated "or else."
"President Bush has repeatedly stated that countries that harbor, promote or support terrorism are against us and will be considered a hostile regime," said Theodore Shmeckman, a senior White House advisor. "The People's Mujahedeen is a large terrorist organization that has killed Americans in the past and supported the takeover of the American Embassy in Iran years ago. By contracting with them to allow their continued existence, we have just become a hostile regime. We have weapons of mass destruction, and we're a super-superpower. We're very dangerous, we pose a great threat to ourselves, and we must be stopped at all costs."
April 28, 2003
Bush Insists Tax Cuts Will Cure SARS
At a speech today before the ASA ("Association of Stupid Americans"), Bush said, "Tax cuts will cure SARS. That much we know. If we don't pass this tax cut, God knows how many people will needlessly die because we failed to act -- to act now -- to give people the tax cuts that will stop this disease and heal the world's sick."
Bush did not merely suggest that tax cuts would cure SARS: he also said tax cuts would cure the common cold, stimulate the economy, revive tired, aching muscles, bring peace to the Middle East, and give pigs wings.
April 26, 2003
WHO Convenes Emergency Meeting of Hollywood Screenwriters to Combat SARS
In a move some called desperate and others hailed as an attempt at a creative solution to a difficult problem, the World Health Organization formed a "think tank" of Hollywood screenwriters and directors to craft strategies that would stem the spread of the pulmonary disease SARS.
George Lucas proposed naming the initiative "SARS Wars," and said that, with some luck, they could "drag the thing out" for a good twenty to twenty-five years, turning it into "a surefire franchise." "The merchandising possibilities alone are staggering," he added.
Other had more useful suggestions. Director Michael Bay (Armageddon) suggested rounding up all the people suspected of having the disease, blasting them off into space, marooning them on a giant asteroid, and then sending a team of blue-collar oil rig workers to blow them up.
Writer-director James Cameron (Terminator, Terminator 2) suggested sending a killer robot with an Austrian accent back in time to track down and annihilate the doctor who originally treated the disease and exposed countless people by jetting around the globe before returning to Hong Kong and dying from the illness. "It might not eradicate the disease altogether," Cameron said, "but it might go a long way towards discouraging rank stupidity."
Robert Towne (Chinatown) said he said some good ideas but hadn't yet come up with a good story structure. "I've got one or two plot points, but that's it." He then asked some questions about the Chinese water supply and whether any orange groves existed near Hong Kong. "They're probably the key to the whole thing," he said.
Roman Polansky (Chinatown") was unable to attend the conference because it was held in Los Angeles.
Michael Crichton (The Andromeda Strain, Jurassic Park) suggested making a female virus that's like a black widow -- "it mates with the male virus and eats the male during the sex act" -- that has infertile viral progeny, killing off the species. When told the virus was asexual, Crichton pooh-poohed the whole thing. "Nobody's really asexual," he said. "it's all about sex. Survival. Reproduction. Nature finds a way. Haven't you read just one of my books?"
Buzz Meritt (Producer: Dragnet 2: Joe Friday Takes A Vacation, Remake of Flintstones 3 (the movie), working on a sequel to The In-Laws called The In-laws-In-Law, Gilligan's Island: The Becoming) said, "We could do that whole Fantastic Voyage thing. Shrink a team of scientists and a microscopic sub -- a handsome guy, a babe, some bald-headed genius, maybe someone else for comedic relief -- inject them into the body of someone with SARS. They grapple with the virus while, unbeknownst to them , a member of their own team -- who's say, a secret fundamentalist religious nut who believes SARS was God's plan to bring about the end of the world -- is working to sabotage them -- and then there's the whole potential for romance between the lead guy and the girl. And it's complicated because even though he's falling for her, and she for him, the guy they've been injected to is her fiance. Man, that's just brilliant. Anyway, it works out, they get a sample of the virus and witness how it works so they know how to defeat it -- they get out and we create nanorobots or something to inject into everyone else that stops them from getting it. Something like that." He got up to make a quick cell phone call to "his people," adding "whether or not you use it -- it's mine."
April 25, 2003
North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il Discovered Just to Be Doing Bad Dr. Evil Impression
"I big fan," Kim Jong Il said, "I just have some fun." He explained that people had simply misinterpeted him when he threatened to blow things up, and that was simply portraying Dr. Evil, the famed madman from the Austin Powers movies. He put a stubby pinky finger to hs lips and said, "I blow up Califohnia unless you give me . . .. a bazill-yun dollah. Bwa-ha-ha-ha."
Jong Il said that the U.S. had misunderstood him. "Bad joke, maybe. Maybe in bad taste. I sorry. We no have nuclear weapon," he said. "We just bunch guys try have fun on slow day, like anyone else. We have some small missile, yes, that we like take out when things dull, blow something up, pass time, you know? Not that different than American."
April 24, 2003
Indiana Husband Claims Wife Has WMD, Wants Regime Change and $100 Billion For Rebuilding
Gerald Fishenbote declared today that his wife possessed serious "weapons of mass destruction," declared that she was dangerous, and asked the White House for urgent intervention to prevent her from using them. He also asserted that his wife was a ruthless dictator who unrelentingly tortured him with a social calendar that included dinners with unbearable couples and saddled him with inhumane tasks that turned him into a virtual slave during those few hours when he wasn't working to bring home money, which she controlled completely and spent on whatever she deemed appropriate. He told congressional leaders in his district and the White House switchboard that he was "pretty sure" she had a nuclear arms program, and possessed a stockpile of dangerous chemical and biological weapons that she kept "behind the bathroom mirror."
He asked for a rapid deployment of U.S. troops, and $100 billion dollars for rebuilding his home after the invasion. "Either that," he said, "or maybe just redo the kitchen."
April 18, 2003
First Free Election in Baghdad Results in Election of George W. Bush; Angry is Claim They "Intended to Vote For Pat Buchanan"
Baghdad, April 18 - The installation of democracy appeared stalled here after election returns from the first free election in Baghdad appeared to indicate that 100% of is had voted for President George W. Bush.
The White House seemed perplexed and denied that the administration of the elections by what it called "the independent interim government" was tainted or improper.
Donald Rumsfeld appeared irritated at any suggestion of impropriety. "The voting process was very simple. You punched a hole in a card next to the name of the person whom you wanted to lead . The cards were collected, and the holes were counted. And apparently, there were a lot of holes in those little cards, all for the same guy. End of story."
Angry is protested outside of Baghdad's Liberty Square, saying that the ballots had been confusing, and should have been in Arabic, at the very least. Some is claimed that the ballots that they had been given had only one hole that could be punched. Others said that it was unclear to them, after years of living under Saddam Hussein, whether the hole should have been punched, kicked, or maimed.
Some is called for a recount, but it was unclear whether the i constitution and the laws set forth by the interim i government allowed for a recount, or specified the manner in which a recount could be done. Donald Rumsfeld again commented, "What's the problem? The votes were counted, they counted the holes in the cards. To recount them, you would count the holes in the cards again. In my view, that would constiute recounting. It doesn't need a description. The word itself tells you what you have to do. Re-count. It's that simple. Next question."
President Bush immediately organized a bipartisan committee composed of Republicans to investigate the election and also to render an opinion as to whether a "sitting president can preside over more than one country at a time." Congresswoman Kathryn Harris was appointed to chair the committee; assisting her will be former Secretary of State James Baker, Jeb Bush, Ted Olsen, and at least one i who had not been to in the past forty years.
April 16, 2003
Lance Bass Offers To Strap Himself Into Warhead of U.S. Missile
Lance Bass, the frustrated N'Sync member whose dreams of rocketing into outer space in a Russian spaceship were crushed when he was apparently outbid by a Texas billionaire, has offered to pay one million dollars to be placed in the nose of a cruise missile and shot "wherever the U.S. needs to send it."
"This would be such a rush," said Bass, whose spiked hair and amiable grin have endeared him to millions. "Hugging the contours of hostile terrain at like 500 miles per hour would be awesome."
It was not explained how Bass intended to survive such an adventure, or whether he intended to be used as a "payload in the service of his country." U.S. officials declined to comment, but sources who wished to remain anonymous said the Pentagon was trying to evaluate the destructive force of a Lance Bass strike. Some speculated that the successful use of Mr. Bass could breathe "new life" into boy bands, "kind of."
Murray-Bunim-Muenster, producers of the reality shows "The Real World: Somalia" and "When Good Dictators Go Bad" were reportedly interested in developing Bass's exploits as a sitcom.
Scientific Testing Proves Careers of Jackson Browne and Darryl Hannah Destroyed By Breakup
Splitup of intellectually challenged couple who were "perfect for each other" doomed them to professional failure; Worst feared for Brittany Spears and Justin Timberlake.
Task of Rebuilding Begins: Florida Election Booths to be Installed in Baghdad Tomorrow
Also coming: Walmart, Staples, Subway, Pizza Hut, CompUSA, TGIF, and Sizzlers. Statue of Hussein to be replaced with large wax model of Colonel Sanders.
Bush Declares War Goal Met; Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction Gone
President Bush, in a press conference held at 4:10 a.m. today, said:
The Hussein regime harbored terrorists and possessed enough fissionable plutonium to extinguish the planet. It had a nuclear weapons program that was designed to build a nuclear bomb much larger than Eqypt, had tons of biological weapons -- Powell, show them the fake anthrax vial -- that could have killed us all, and chemical weapons that, as I understand it, were weapons containing chemicals. Now all of those weapons of mass destruction, as you can all see, are gone. I thank God that we were able to act so swiftly to eradicate a menace which so urgently threatened us all. The gun which Saddam Hussein was holding up against our heads has been taken from him, the bullets removed, and the revolver holstered. Americans can sleep more soundly, as they are no doubt sleeping now.
Our coalition forces -- meaning U.S. forces and a British guy -- are now scouring to see if any traces of these terrible weapons still exist. But I am pleased to say that our mission worked -- our military served us -- and it appears that, in at least, they have effectively vanished due to our intervention.
God bless us, God help the American People, and God -- An American God -- bless the i people.
After the conference, Bush had an early morning jog and a lengthy discussion with his wife about Katie Couric's hair.
Bush Plan To Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea "Totally Different" Than Neocon Plan to Invade , Syria, Iran, and North Korea
The Bush Administration today denied that its plans to pressure and reshape the governments of Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and North Korea bore no resemblance whatsoever to Neoconservatives' plans to dominate the world in precisely the same way. The Neoconservatives plans, drawn up in 1991 and documented in 1998 in a letter to President Clinton, outlined in the Weekly Standard, and commented upon in The Washington Monthly "have nothing to do with us," said Dick , who, said that his authorship of some of the neoconservative schemes was just part of the "incredible coincidence" linking neocoservative aims to the moves of the Bush Administration.
"We've been perfectly honest about our constantly shifting rationales for the invasion. Right now, it's -- what is it?" asked, looking at some notes on his desk. "Oh, yes, we're liberating the Iraqi people."
Asked about whether the Administration's threats to Syria demonstrated that the real motivation for invading was to execute the neocon plan -- a grand scheme to forcibly reshape the Middle East and the rest of the world to insure the supremacy of America -- replied. "That's preposterous. It's a sheer coincidence. It's as unbelievable as those Dickens novels where Little Nell discovers that Ms. Havesham and Pip are actually siamese twins who were separated at birth, which makes her the heir to the entire Halliburton fortune. You know what I mean."
President Bush described it differently. "It's completely absurd. It's like in The Fugitive, where the fugitive is always like one step behind the Man with One Arm, but he doesn't ever catch up with him, or like -- this is better -- in Spiderman, where Gwen Stacy dies, and then she comes back a bunch of years later as a clone, and then Peter Parker discovers that he's not even the original Peter Parker, he's a clone. That just confused the hell out of me."
Donald Rumsfeld put it this way: "Just because one guy says, hey, let's do A and B, and then we'll do C, D, and E, and another guy does A and B, it doesn't make sense that that means the second guy will do C, D, and E, or that he even knows the first guy. Like, they could be complete strangers. Did I mention that freedom is untidy?"
April 14, 2003
Suspected Chemical Weapons Actually Mammoth Collection of Pocket Lint
Suspect containers found in Karbala today housing many boxes containing a "suspect white, fluffy material," according to U.S. forces on the scene, turned out to contain pocket lint. Upon the initial discovery of the material, Sgt. Hurly Groton of the Fifth Brigade of the Third Column in the Second Row on the Righthand side of the Fourth Division, "Medical Doodads Unit," said something about the discovered material which sounded like "Immible tebs for chestible weemonds messle bled possibut," as far as could be heard through his 27-layer isolation suit. Later testing proved the huge stores of material to be, according to chemical analysis and documents buried with the materials, the largest collection of pocket lint ever found above or below ground. Officials from the Guinness Book of World Records were en route to the scene, but reportedly deeply excited. A spokesman for the Guiness Organization called it "the most significant collection on record since the discovery of the toenail clippings trove in Madras, 1976."
General Robert Walsh of the Chemical Detection Engineers expressed disappointment, but was optimistic about the eventual discovery of weapons of mass destruction. So far U.S. forces have made many promising discoveries: 1) Many tons of a white powdery substance in a chemical plant which turned out to be many tons of a (benign) white powdery substance. (General Walsh declined to elaborate.); 2) Some stuff U.S. forces thought was fissionable plutonium in a gum factory that turned out to be (benign) gum; and 3) Some really large anthrax-like spores in a bicycle factory that turned out to be bicycle spokes. (Benign.)
Walsh was undeterred. "They're out there," he said, wading into a tank filled with a white, oozing paste-like substance in what the is claimed was a toothpaste factory.
April 12, 2003
Deck of Cards Mixup Leads to Accidental Killing of King of Hearts
Yesterday, in an attempt to assist U.S. solidiers in the efforts to identify members of Saddam Hussein's regime, the Military issued a deck of cards featuring Iraqi officials. That deck contained 55 cards, and featured pictures of Qusay Hussein (as the Ace of Clubs) and Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz (the Eight of Clubs).
Today, however, soldiers who were confused about decks of cards they had in their posession mistakenly shot the King of Hearts, who they claimed "failed to respond to repeated requests to take off his crown." In other of areas of Iraq, the Queen of Hearts was discovered making some tarts, and immediately placed in custody. The Jack of Diamonds evaded capture after a lengthy chase by coalition forces.
When contacted, the Bicycle Corporation had no explanation of why so many members of their decks were present in Iraq, but bemoaned the accidents and threatened legal action. "This is a terrible tragedy for card players all over the world," said Fred Bazillionaire, chief spokesman for the Bicycle Corporation. Officers of the Bicycle and Bee Corporations were considering filing wrongful death suits, but could not, at press time, decide who would lead and which suit would be trump.
The incidents have affected games everywhere. Terry Hinkle, President of the Hearts Gaming Club of America, complained, "The Jack of Diamonds is now impossible to get. He just doesn't show up in any hand. That's -10 points that I personally could pick up in pretty much every round I ever played. If only they had taken out the Queen of Spades."
In an unrelated story, Pfc. Norman Ishkowitz, who had been on something of a "lucky roll," was shaken upside down until his pockets were emptied after a poker game with members of his platoon in which he was discovered to have two Saddams and an extra Uday hidden in his cargo pants.
Tariq Aziz, in Secret Communication, Complains He "Should Have Been a Face Card"
Details to follow suit.
April 09, 2003
Headlines In Briefs
Jubilant is Topple Statue, Accidentally Crush Small Dog
Kurds Victorious in North, Will Be Joined By Whey
Both small kurds and large kurds rejoice, claim complete control of tuffet.
Marines Wage Fierce Battle For Baghad University, Immediately Demand Curriculum Change
Want credit for beer pong.
Arrogant Toppled Statue of Saddam Hussein Asks for Tips
April 08, 2003
Marines Encounter More Than Just Pockets of Resistance in Baghdad, Try to Fend Off Complete Pants
April 8, Baghdad -- Marines encountered pockets of resistance in southeast Baghdad, zippers of incomprehensibility in the west, inseams of irregularity in the north, and trouser cuffs of indefatigability in the center of town. The Pentagon confirmed that U.S. forces were trying to secure the seat of Baghdad, and hoped to control the belt buckle as early as Tuesday.
"It depends how deep those pockets, how irregular the inseams, how incomprehensible the zippers prove, and -- whatever we said the cuffs were, how whatever we said they were turn out to be, " said General Hugh Fitzimmons today. "We're also going to try to have the waist taken in by Saturday," he added.
April 07, 2003
U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons
Baghdad, April 6 - U.S. Marines securing an atomic energy facility discovered a hidden room containing seven "backup" sons of Saddam Hussein who were prepared to take over the throne if Hussein's known sons, Uday and Qusay, were killled or otherwise unable to exercise power. Documents revealed that in addition to Qusay and Uday, Saddam's seven other sons are named Buday, Ruday, Huday, Cruday, Mamuday, Yahuday, and Sunday. When the Marines found them, the "secret sons" were playing a spirited game of poker, with the exception of Sunday, who was resting.
Rumors that three additional sons, Juday, Daduday, and Puday, exist in another location, are unconfirmed.
April 06, 2003
Kerry Remark About Need for U.S. Regime Change Inflames and Baffles GOP
Republicans were up in arms and confused about Sen. John Kerry's recent suggestion that it was time for regime change here in the United States. "The comparison of George W. Bush to Saddam Hussein is outrageous and unfair," sputtered Deputy RNC Chair Jack Oliver. He ticked off several facts on his large, stubby fingers. "First of all, President Bush doesn't have any lookalikes, at least not that I know of. He doesn't have a big bushy mustache and he stays in decent shape. I've never seen him wear a beret. I guess Senator Kerry -- and I use the term Kerry loosely -- is blind or stupid or both."
Rush Limbaugh pooh-poohed the notion altogether. "Regime change in America?" he considered on a recent talk radio show, "That's preposterous. For one thing, we can't invade ourselves. Those are just the kind of absurd ideas these liberals toss about when they have no idea of what it's like to serve in the military, or how it works, or when to use it."
RNC Chairman Marc Racicot responded swiftly as well, calling Kerry "a racist, a pornographer, and a guy who looks like he's had some kind of rod shoved up his ass." He continued: "Senator Kerry is nuts to suggest the replacement of America's commander-in- chief at a time when America is at war. If we replaced the commander-in-chief, how would the generals know how to reach this new guy? They wouldn't know what this new commander-in-chief would look like and probably wouldn't believe him when he told them that he was the Commander. And nobody else could tell them there was a new Commander because the only person they'd accept that from would have to be like, a Commander of the Commander in Chief. And there can't be a Commander of the Commander in Chief because, if there were, then the Commander-in-Chief wouldn't be "in-chief"--he'd be the Commander-second-most-chief or something. I don't think Senator Kerry -- and I use the term Kerry loosely -- has thought this through."
April 04, 2003
Bush Faced Terrific Quandry in White House NCAA Pool
Karl Rove put extraordinary pressure for Bush to favor Florida over Texas in his submission to the popular White House NCAA pool. There was great debate among top aides to the President about whether to favor "red-state" teams or "blue-state" teams, meaning teams from states that voted for or against Bush. However, it was finally decided that the imperative of securing Florida in the 2004 election mandated fprcing Bush to pick the number 2 seeded Florida to beat number 1 seeded Texas in the Elite 8, because "we'll carry Texas anyway," said Rove.
"Why can't we just make them move to the East Division?" asked Bush, who was supported by in his suggestion to pressure the NCAA organizers to move Florida to another division so that Bush could avoid making the difficult choice. Powell was sent to negotiate with the NCAA on Bush's behalf where, typically, he failed.
When Florida was wiped out in the Sweet 16 against Maryland, Bush became despondent, moping around the White House and seeming "steely eyed but burdened":
[Bush] rarely jokes with staffers these days and occasionally startles them with sarcastic putdowns. . . .Interviews with a dozen friends, advisers and top aides describe a man who feels he is being tested.
The White House found an upside, though. "We'll make this about the war," said Ari Fleischer. And so they did.
did not participate in the pool, preferring to run it in exchange for a percentage of the winnings. "Last year that pool bought me a pool," he joked, smiling or grimacing -- it was impossible to say which.
Saddam Talks About the NCAA's
So, Saddam Makes Speech on TV Designed to Prove He Is Alive, with some references to attacks and things that have occurred since the invasion. Why doesn't he just hold up today's frigging newspaper? If Saddam wanted to prove he was still alive and in charge, he should say:
My fellow is, I lost the goddamn NCAA pool! Who would have believed that Syracuse and Marquette would come so far? We will be victorious against the stupid Americans even if is true, as I suspect, that they have rigged the college basketball tournaments of their petty country to get rid of the fine Ivy league team and, of course, the valiant Gonzaga.
We're liberating the i oilfields -- and protecting them well, even at the cost of sending men into harm's way without adequate backup -- because they're the "property of the people of ." Rumsfeld is fond of saying this -- "it's the wealth of the i people, we're protecting it." OK. Isn't the infrastructure of also a treasured possession of the i people? The buildings, electric plants, sewer systems, schools and the, like, cities -- how come we're just bombing the hell out of them?
By the way, the link just up there is from an i who has been reporting on the web his experience of the war in Baghdad -- but he hasn't been able to update since March 24. That could be for many reasons -- maybe internet access was cut off by central authorities in Baghdad, maybe the infrastructure was damaged (Rumsfled might call it a "shock and awe" attack on the internet backbone), maybe Raed, the author, had to take off and get the hell away from his desktop. Still, look at it for an excellent view of the war from inside. Much better than any reporting you'll see on cable.
March 29, 2003
Rumsfeld Confuses Situation Room With TIVO, Attempts to "Pause" and "Rewind" War
Today, Donald Rumsfeld sent White House workers into complete disarray by attempting to "pause" the war to take a phone call from his niece while going downstairs to get some ice for his Coke. Rumsfeld repeatedly punched several buttons on what he believed to be the "remote" -- but which was in fact an electronic handheld joker poker game left there by President Bush the preceding day.
"This dadblasted piece of crap doesn't work for shit," he said. "And where did all these kings come from?"
Rumsfield then issued orders to "rewind" the push toward Bagdad and is apparently negotiating with Lucasfilm and Industrial Light and Magic to digitally insert 150,000 more troops near Nasiriyah.
(In a related story, George Lucas expressed disgust that 250,000 actual American soldiers had been ordered to engage in the war with , saying that he could have done it "with a bare handful of extras, digitally reproduced and multiplied to resemble an enormous horde of invading Americans." Upon being pressed, Lucas admitted that he would probably need one or two principals, "but nobody pricey." He also expressed dismay about the location. "You don't need at all -- Tunisia would have done fine." He also would have saved billions of dollars by getting the location shots with a second unit and fighting the rest of the war in a studio. "The savings?" said Lucas. "At least $74.9 billion.")
War Paused, Posting Light
Actually, the war isn't paused, I'm on vacation (sort of). Anyway, to my scads of devoted followers (read: both of you), I'm pretty tied up until next Thursday. Or until the 4th Infantry arrives, whichever comes first.
March 25, 2003
Commanders Misplace 4th Infantry Division; "I Thought You Had Them," Says General
High ranking officials in the White House who had never been to war were stymied when the democratic processes underlying Turkey's government continued to thwart U.S. intentions to use Turkish land as a military staging area. (See Middle East Democracy deals Blow to Plan to Install Other Middle East Democracy)
"I don't understand it," snarled Paul Wolfowitz. "Just because a governmental body votes one way, doesn't mean you have to follow the dictates of a democracy. In America we wouldn't stand for it." Dick fumed. "Those Turkish [expltive deleted] don't have the slightest idea how a few people at the top can totally override the will of the people."
Although Turkey's Parliament had barred U.S. ground action in Turkey, White House officials told U.S. commanders to keep the 4th Infantry Division, a heavy Army unit force deemed essential to a ground war in , floating in the Med instead of moving them to join ground forces in Kuwait. As a result,
Cheny continued to fume. "What the hell do those [expletive deleted] Turks want anyway? We tried diplomacy, we offered them $30 billion dollars or something. That damn Powell cannot do anything right."
In contrast, Donald Rumsfeld was calm and resolute. "We didn't need the British and we don't need the 4th Infantry. We'll go it alone and even if we're not there, we'll do it."
March 24, 2003
Bush Cautions That War He Promised Would Be Over in Days Might Actually Take Weeks
President Bush and members of the White House backed down off their initial soft sell of the war in . "We are the best prepared, most awesome force in the world," said President Bush, Dick , Donald Rumsfeld, and later First Specialist Michael Abromowitz, who repeated the sentence no less than 12 times during a CNN interview in the field.
"However," said President Bush, for the first time, "A lot of people are going to die. Really a lot. I mean, it's a war. I had been led to believe that nobody was really going to fight back, but it seems they are, and that's going to make it a lot more difficult. I've totally revised my expectations. Pass the salt."
The American people didn't blink at the bloodshed. Although Americans were just realizing that "significant casualties" would occur in a war, American support was still strong. Clive Berkinstocking, of Coalpile, Pennsylvania, put it this way: "It just had not dawned on me that U.S. soldiers might get hurt. I mean, we have all these bombs and machines and trucks and stuff. But now -- well, even if a lot of soldiers die, it's worth it. i'm sure President bush knew the risks, and weighed the costs, and I'm right behind him, along with a mystifying 70% of Amercians who feel the same way."
Students overwhelmingly supported the war, although they continued to oppose having to go fight it. "I have trig tomorrow," said Clyde Bark, a senior at Oklahoma State. "And I don't wanna miss the NCAA's, even though I think you can still watch those over in ."
Marla Binks put it this way: "I don't mind making sacrifices, like having people die. It's for a good cause." She then got in her SUV, went shopping at K-mart, watched TV, ate a sumptuous dinner from KFC, and played video games with her toddler Ralph. After Ralph slept, she talked about Adrien Brody's "funny nose" for an hour with her best friend Susie Button on the phone. She was repulsed that Susie found Brody sexy, and she liked Salma Hayek's dress. "This war sure is awful," she said, the next day, watching CNN on her couch in a bathrobe while eating two bags of Cheez Doodles.
Precision Bombs Hit Turkey Exactly Where We Wanted Them To
Qatar, March 24. In today's press briefing by the American High Command, Lt. General Zacharias Kelp (two, maybe three stars, who really knows?) told reporters that he would summarize and illustrate several recent U.S. attacks on "combat systems," by which he meant people and buildings. Kelp showed several grainy films in which "precision bombs" were able to strike "targets" in "compounds" with such accuracy that the walls surrounding structures were left intact. Kelp also showed reporters instances in which bombs were able to take out Republican Guard units while leaving their shaving gear untouched. "This is the i people's shaving gear," he explained. "It is part of the wealth of their nation." He denied rumors that the U.S. had its own interests in the valuable triple-edged Mach III razors, as well as suggestions that U.S. military weapon names had been inspired by marketing campaigns developed by Schick.
Kelp went on to show several other examples of precision bombing, which included two cruise missiles which struck an unpopulated area in Turkey. "That's exactly where they were headed," said Kelp. "Notice that the tufts of grass immediately outside of the cruise missile's landing site were completely undisturbed."
During the briefing, George Stephanopolous stood up and pretended to ask some questions, in order to demonstrate that he was actually there. He expressed hope that "in the future, other White House officials will be able to resign and become credentialed members of the independent press." He said being in the Qatar press pool was a great accomplishment, and that he felt almost as close to the seat of power as when he was an integral part of President Clinton's staff. When asked to explain his remark, his status sometimes permitted him a seat near the front of the press pool bus. "And I get all the Fresca I can buy, " he added.
March 23, 2003
First Time Shock and Awe Used in Military Attack
1) Don King's hair;
2) Non-cancellation of Anna Nicole Smith Show;
3) Result of last Presidential Election;
4) James Traficant Jr.'s lawyering skills -- and his hair -- his membership in Congress -- everything about him, really;
5) Halle Berry's entrance in Die Another Day;
6) Ability of Helen Thomas to refrain from strangling Ari Fleischer at any given press conference;
8) Inability of Gorilla to damage Samsonite luggage;
9) 1996 first-round victory of Princeton Tigers basketball team over defending champion UCLA on backdoor layup with 3 minutes left in game;
10) The Atkins Diet.
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
March 20, 2003
The bombing won't stop until every last double of Hussein is decapitated.
(courtesy a friend who is much funnier than I am, even when he is anonymous)
March 18, 2003
The Bush Plan For Taking
Wednesday night. Bomb the heck out of 'em.
Friday Take Basra.
Saturday Take Baghdad, win war.
Sunday Install democracy.
Monday Order new curtains.
Tuesday Refurbish Presidential Palace in teal; arrange with sanitation workers to haul away old dictatorship. Maybe redo kitchen.
Wednesday Put in strip lighting.
Thursday Decorate Kurdish region in aqua.
March 17, 2003
Interpreters Mistakenly Fired For Translating Actual Words of Bush Speech
Almost all of the interpreters at the U.N. were fired or suspended without pay after President Bush, at a Joint News Conference today, expressed hope that in the future, the U.N. could "get its legs of responsibility back." Virtually all of the U.N. interpreters were fired, replaced, suspended, or, in the case of some countries, summarily executed after they related Bush's words to the Ambassadors they served.
The Chilean Ambassador, who unfortunately cannot now rehire his interpreter and is having problems replacing him, said, "I have heard that in Camaroon, they have a saying about `arms of butter', and of course I have the videotape `Abs of Steel,' but there is no such idiom in any language as `legs of responsibility'.'"
Ari Fleischer defended the President, saying that Bush had simply had a "language spasm," but that it required no medical attention and was nothing to worry about. "The President was clearly explaining that the U.N. needs to develop some intestines of jocularity," he stated.
He then excused himself, saying something about "inventing a teleprompter that can fit on a President's head like a hat."
Recent Poll Shows More Americans Oppose War Than Support It
A recent poll showed that 50% of Americans oppose the war on . That poll, which indicates that 37% of Americans would only support the war if the U.N. voted to give Bush the go-ahead, and 13% would oppose the war even if the U.N. voted for it. Strangely, the Associated Press reported this result as indicating Bush Has Solid Support for War.
MWO published a letter to the Associated Press asking them to correct the strange and misleading headline.
Yesterday CNN/USA Today came in with a poll which was had some similarities. The poll indicated that 54% of Americans favor war with even if the U.N. withholds approval. That's if a vote is held. if a vote is not held (and news as of this second shows that Bush will not seek that vote -- he's going to war anyway, a real surprise), then support for the war drops to 47%.
March 14, 2003
Your Horoscope For Today
Check it out. Frenchify girl, soon to be forced to redesign her web page by Congress, no doubt, tells you your horoscope. A preview? Aries: "Your head will swim with delusions of adequacy today."
Bush makes Last Ditch Attempt to Avoid Diplomatic Solution
In what he called a "last ditch attempt to go the extra mile for peace," President Bush -- who never left his seat to meet with a single leader of any country opposed to war with Iraq -- flew to the Azores to meet only leaders of the meager coalition of countries he managed to scrabble together in support of a war -- Britain and Spain -- to make a couple of final plans about blowing off the U.N. vote Bush had earlier called for even while vowing to ignore the certain defeat of the measure.
Bush had earlier explained his pledge to call for a vote of the U.N. whatever the outcome, so that countries could "lay their cards on the table." Today he asked countries to "keep their cards close to their chests" so that he could try bluffing. "It's called Texas Hold'em," he joked, after which several White House press pool reporters rushed him, vowing to "put the poker metaphor to death forever."
A resolution was immediately introduced before the U.N. security council calling for the United States to immediately disarm itself of the use of harmful, confusing, and almost incoherent rhetoric. The resolution proposed several conditions, the first of which was for President Bush to "stop abusing the English language," for Donald Rumsfeld to give up sports metaphors, and for Ari Fleischer to "simply stop speaking." Mexico voted for the measure before realizing that it was the only country in the room.
Ari Fleischer described the meeting this way. "The President is determined that peace will break out in the Middle East, even if he has to force it to break out with really big tanks, huge numbers of helicopters, thousands of bombs, some aircraft carriers, and 250,000 men with guns and nightvision goggles."
March 13, 2003
White House Flunks Remedial Math -- Will Be Forced To Take Summer Course
George W. Bush -- who has joked that he had a C - average at Yale -- and his Administration pouted openly when learning that they would be forced to give up summer vacation so they can retake a course involving basic addition and subtraction. The Administration funked a test of the most basic math skills when it concluded that it had nine votes authorizing the use of force in .
"We have Camaroon, Britain, the U.S., and another African nation,"" said Powell. "That's nine.'
Little Jackie Hargrew, age 7, of Split Head, Indiana, was quite certain Powell was wrong. "Isn't that four?" he asked, before becoming absolutely certain. "That's only four." Jackie is in Second Grade at MoreScience Elementary School.
Powell later reconsidered his calculation in light of Jackie's conclusion. He then announced that he believed they had two more countries on board. "Four countries and we've got two more," said Powell. "That's nine."
Donald Rumsfeld later agreed, stating that the sum of any number of countries combined with any other number of countries always equals nine. "Or more," he added.
Bush was particularly put out when he was told that "could not skip" the remedial course. "Man, this whole thing blows," he said.
March 12, 2003
A Truly International Body
Paul Wolfowitz suggests that, if the U.N. doesn't back the U.S. war with , the U.S. will find another "international body" to replace the United Nations. Maureen Dowd asks: Who is he talking about? "Salma Hayek? The World Bank? The Hollywood Foreign Press Association?"
March 11, 2003
Bored Congressmen Look For Ways to Justify Existence
Representative Bob Ney (R-Ill.), known around Capital Hill for complaining about the lack of "real work" for legislators, finally introduced and pushed the House to adopt a ridiculous joke bill renaming some of the cafeteria food. "The boredom just got me I guess," said Ney, who failed to vote on the recent cloning bill in Congress because he "got engrossed in the Season One Survivor DVD."
"What surprised me was how long it took to draft one of these so-called bills," said Ney. "Just renaming French Fries to Freedom Fries -- well, it took me a week or so just to get the phrasing right. We didn't want anyone calling them liberty fries or soemthing like that. We wanted to draft that baby narrowly, so it would be interpreted correctly." Congress spent three days debating the measure, "just to have something to talk about," said House Leader Dennis Hastert. "We really don't have that much to do. But this was a real hoot. We laughed and laughed."
Hastert explained that the Republicans had run out of ways to reverse laws enacted under Democratically controlled House leadership and pretty much "had nothing left to do. We were all grateful for the opportunity to stretch our legs and get out on that Capitol floor."
House majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas), who couldn't quite stop chuckling, suggested they rename everything which had the word "French" in it. "Let's see, we got Freedom Fries" he said, gasping for breath, "Then freedom cuffs, the freedom horn, the freedom doors, and my favorite, the freedom kiss!" after which he fell on the floor guffawing.
The House leadership is considering passing a law removing all references to France from the American film, "Casablanca," replacing "La Marseilles" in a key sequence with John Phillip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever." DeLay explained that "it could be done with modern special effects computers." A discarded bottle of Vichy water in would be visually modfiied to bear the "Poland Spring" label.
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) backed the measure, saying, "There's no place in an American film for this filthy French sentiment. We liberated them, and what did they do for us? Snails." Hyde was one of the sole Republicans who voted against the "Freedom Fry" bill, on the ground that they should be renamed "Frog Fries."
When asked if any substantial work awaited the House, Ney laughed. "We can keep doing this or we can pass bills cutting taxes and increasing spending," he said. "Which would you prefer?"
March 10, 2003
Several Cows on New Hampshire Farm Still Wondering If U.S. Will Invade
Powell Shocked to Learn Security Council Resolution Subject to Veto
Today Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed frustration and outrage that a majority vote of the U.N. Security Council approving the use of military force against could be vetoed by one of the Council members. "What was I wasting all this time on?," he complained, speaking of his repeated 24/7 (but unsuccessful) efforts to secure a majority vote. "I had heard about France, Germany, Russia and China, but I still thought we had a fighting chance," he said. "This changes everything."
Powell was rocked by other unpleasant realizations. "My God!," he said, I made absolutely ridiculous deals for some of these yes votes. I gave away stuff we don't even have !"
Powell was also reportedly "startled" to learn that more than one country had vowed to veto the vote. "I thought Russia, China, Germany, and France were going to vote no." When a reporter informed him that they could also simply abstain from the vote, Powell muttered, "They can do that?"
Powell spent the rest of his day accidentally locked in a bathroom.
Florida State Debate Team Moving "Will We Go to War With ?" Debate Up in Schedule
The debate had been scheduled for October of the next fiscal year. Now, according to RaeAnn Fitch of Jacksonville, it will be moved into the June 12th slot, where it will replace "Should English Be Compulsory or Is it, Like, A Language We Already Know?"
Several Cows on New Hampshire Farm Still Wondering If U.S. Will Invade
But the sheep moved past this topic a long time ago. They're all talking about cloning.
March 07, 2003
President Bush Calls For U.N. Vote He Vows to Ignore
In President Bush's Recent News Conference, Bush clearly stated that he wanted the U.N. to pass a resolution authorizing him to use military force on , and repeatedly said that he was going to use force whether or not the U.N. authorized it anyway. "I think it's very important to accord the U.N. the respect it deserves," he said, reading his statements from teleprompters with such great care that he appeared to be sleep-walking, "and that means pretty much doing whatever we please, whatever the result."
Some expressed concern that the President was losing his hearing during the question-and-answer period. For instance, when asked why other countries with whom the U.S. had fully shared its intelligence reports still opposed war, the President replied, "I'm fine, thank you. Thanks for asking. How are you?"
At other times, the President apeared to be contradicting himself. "This is unscripted," he said at one point, reading from a large placard on the wall that read, "This is unscripted."
Theater critic Noah Watson of the Daily Vernacular later commented onthe President's performance. "Perhaps it was unscripted. But it was so over-rehearsed that it had lost the tang of true spontaneity and lacked the breath of life that is the hallmark of a great theatrical performance." Watson gave the press conference five bananas out of a possible ten.
March 05, 2003
Powell Accuses Hussein of Trying to Divide Security Council
Powell accused Saddam Hussein of creating a "vicious rift" in the U.N. security council with his "divisive tactics of destroying weapons," and his "ruthless acommodation of U.N. inspectors' demands." "This guy will simply not stop at anything," said Powell. "We must put a stop to these foul and despicable tactics of acceding to U.N. desires," he said. If Saddam Hussein can satisfy France, Russia, and Germany, "there's no telling who else he might disarm for." Powell added that the "time for action was now," lest Saddam Hussein destroy even more of his "vile arsenal."
"He's not fooling anyone with this crap," said Powell. "Well, except for a lot of nations. And a lot of people who live in those nations. And a lot of people outside of those nations. I don't know what he's up to with this disarmament stuff, but I do know this." Powell said nothing more but kicked a chair over and clenched his fists several times.
Ridge Lowers Snack Food Threat Warning to Sour Cream and Onion
Tom Ridge lowered the snack food threat warning level from "Mesquite BBQ" to "Sour Cream and Onion." Despite reports of snapping, crackling, and popping in various cupboards, Ridge said that intelligence points to "a decreased likelihood that snack foods will be mounting any specific attacks in the near future." He added that everyone should still "treat their snack foods with extreme caution," to "be on the lookout for suspicious snack food activity," and reminded folks to "stock up on dip" for emergencies.
March 03, 2003
Middle East Democracy Deals Blow to Plan to Install Other Middle East Democracy
Turkey's parliament voted not to allow Bush to use Turkey as a base for military operations aimed at installing a democracy in . Opposition members explained that they "had seen U.S. schematics of the i government," and that the plan to install democracy in was doomed to failure because, among other things, it relied almost exclusively on the availability of representative widgets and gerrymandering cogs.
Members of the Bush Administration expressed frustration at the loss of military bases in Turkey. One senior White House official wondered, "Where are we going to put all of these Florida voting machines?"
March 01, 2003
Bush Insists Hussein Must Disarm, Cede Power, and "Do the Chicken Dance"
The United States continued to elaborate on the conditions it requires to deter an invasion of Iraq today, asking Saddam Hussein to step down from his dictatorship and run around the country flapping his arms like a chicken. Ari Fleischer defended the demands, saying, "Look, does the guy want to cooperate with us, or what?" Fleischer denied that the U.S. had also at one point considered making Hussein deliver a "really nice shrubbery" to the White House.
Fleischer pooh-poohed any suggestion that the ever-shifting rationales offered by the White House as purported justifications for the use of military force demonstrated that the decision to go to war with was ill-conceived or based on some mysterious "voodoo logic."
"There has never been any shift in our rationale," said Fleischer. "The chicken dance has always been the priority."
February 26, 2003
Bush Destroys American Advances of Past 60 Years, Embraces Colonialism: From Bully Pulpit to Bullying Pulpit
This Washington Post article about the alienation of "old Arab friends" is really about how, with the Iraq war, Bush is turning back half a century of American leadership in world affairs in democracy, international relations, and fairness. The view of one pro-American Arab shows how the rest of the world now sees us:
The United States wants to partition Iraq, he argues in slow, deliberate tones, and covets the world's second-largest oil reserves. An invasion, he says, serves only Israel and a clique within the Bush administration "whose ignorance is matched only by their greed." A preemptive war, whose very premise he believes defies international law, signals the rebirth of colonialism and imperialism that seemed finished generations ago.
The coming war is seen as a repudiation of the most democratic and great American ideals of self-determination informed by a respect, above all, of individual rights. America is throwing away the principles on which this country was founded in favor of a colonialist, power hungry stance, where the American superpower extends its tendrils everywhere and forces its will upon the rest of the weak world. This shift in America's place in the world -- from the embodiment and protector of democratic ideals and freedoms to that of bullying titan intent on serving only its own interests -- is the most dangerous makeover in American's history. America now serves as a countermodel
for what is right -- locking up people without due process, paritioning the lands of others, threatening members of the U.N. to support the new world order "or else. We spent years trying to increase the credibility and utility of the U.N. as a governing body and conduit of international law, and with one fell swoop, we're wiping that out. How can we urge others to follow U.N. resolutions if we don't see them as necessary or binding? How can we complain that Saddam Hussein is in defiance of U.N. resolutions when we, at the same time, say that we don't feel the need to follow them ourselves?
Many see this war as the first "Arab-American war." We cannot and should not follow the script which bin Laden wrote when he strategized his conquest of Americans. Bin Laden obviously sought to provoke the U.S. into reacting to 9/11 with the use of force, and in Bush, he has a mighty ally. Bush is destablilizing the world's most dangerous regions -- the Middle East, Pakistan and India -- and helping bin Laden to divide the world into Moslems and non-Moslems, moving us all toward a great clash of civilizations. Bush embodies the worst that America ever has been or ever could be.
The millions of protestors are just the tip of the iceberg. These are our friends, urging against an unjust course of action. They are now our friends, protesting peacefully. They will become our enemies, fighting against us for what is right.
February 25, 2003
Bush Use of U.N. Makes Head Spin Like Exorcist Chick
President Bush today said that because he had already decided to invade , the U.N. better vote to do it, already. "We asked for your approval as an international body making rulings of binding law rubberstamping our previously-formulated policies and decisions," Bush said. He complained that the U.N. "seemed to kind of misunderstand the whole point" of going through them. "They're not like, the law, or anything. They're just, like, this bunch of guys hanging out in some horseshoe kind of thing."
Ari Fleisher explained that Bush was applying his understanding of golf to the United Nations. "The President thinks that the object of golf is for the golf course to shift itself until the President's ball is directly over the hole."