Forged But True or Genuine And False?

The latest Gallup poll, indicating double digit leads for Bush in the race for President, appears to have been typed on the same IBM selectric typewriter on which the Killian memos were alleged to have been created.

"These latest polls, unlike the Killian memos, appear to be authentic, but written more than thirty years ago," said scientist Larry Frijole, "The mystery is how someone managed to accurately predict today's national polling trends all the way back in 1972."

Historian Jill Swill said, "It is indeed puzzling. How could anyone, living in 1972 -- when the nation was embroiled in a terrible quagmire of a war involving ever-escalating casualties, and the President himself was trying to unfairly manipulate a national election -- ever imagine the circumstances we find ourselves in today?"

Several Muscles Pulled

Two days ago, thousands upon thousands of Florida residents waded into the waters just off their West coast, grabbed hold of the coastline, and pushed as hard as they could, succesfully moving Florida hundreds of miles to the right and moving it largely out of Hurricane Ivan's path.

Governor Jeb Bush claimed responsiblity for the effort. "Our state can't handle any more devastation," he said. "Plus, I'll do anything I can to move Florida to the right."

Yesterday, in an effort to push Florida further to the right, Florida Secretary of State Glenda Hood -- also known as "Kathryn Harris: The Sequel" and "Robbin' Hood" -- added Ralph Nader to campaign ballots despite a state judge's ruling that Nader could not be on them.

A federal judge declined to overrule the state court, saying that there was plenty of time for that after the election.

A plan to make the presidential battleground of Missouri the first state to allow military voters serving in combat zones such as Iraq to cast their absentee ballots via e-mail is renewing concerns about the security of online voting.

"Our email was perfectly secure," said Mary Jo Splunkett, a Missouri elections official. "There is every indication that these fine pharmaceutical products enjoy tremendous support among Missouri residents serving overseas."

A final tally of presidential balloting in Missouri showed that Online-poker.hold'um.com ran a close second, followed by cheapdrugz.org.

The number of emails received from overseas soldiers vastly outnumbered the number of ballots cast by other Missouri residents. Of the 3.4 million votes cast, over 2.7 million were supposedly cast by Missourians stationed in combat zones or special duty stations overseas, even though Missourians are thought to have no more than 100,000 residents serving in such positions.

"I think it goes to show that when you make voting convenient, more people participate," said Pierre Glup, an expert on voting trends, "Even if it's more than are actually out there."

"I admit I don't know much about Viagra's platform or its positions on domestic or foreign policy," said Jordy Blutt, a St. Louis resident. "But I can't imagine it'd be much worse than any of the other guys."

Nation Could Get Hickies, Cooties, Too

In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things."

"You would all regret it,' said Cheney. "This country would have a hard time sitting down."

Cheney also warned of boils, plagues, frogs, hail, and terrifically unwatchable reality shows. "If you thought that 'Amish In The City' thing was bad, be very afraid ," he advised. "Safeguard your children."

Earlier this week, Cheney had said that if Americans chose Kerry, the nation would suffer a devestating terrorist attack, but Ann Womack, a spokeswoman for Mr. Cheney, backed away from that statement, saying that Cheney was merely trying to highlight policy differences between the candidates. "He's serious about the hemorrhoids, though," she said.

Cheney also said that, as a hedge against the Kerry's election, he has cornered the market on comfortable seat cushions.

Update: Sanity Defense has another take on Cheney's warning.

Also Willing To Go On "The Swan"

Today, shortly after Bill Clinton, fresh from surgery, started breathing on his own, John Kerry willingly went on Clinton's discarded respirator in hopes of "resuscitating his campaign."

Doctors agreed, saying that Kerry's breathing was shallow, his pulse was weak, his skin was pale and clammy, and his campaign didn't look so hot either.

"With adequate therapy, we have some hope that we can get the candidate breathing on his own and passionately gesticulating in the near future," said Dr. Lila Phippsman, an attending surgeon specializing in revivification.

Kerry is being treated in a special hospital ward located in a high tower topped by many ominous-looking lightening rods and filled with many dramatically whirring, sparking instruments. "I don't know if we can do anything for him," said assistant Igor Stravinsky. "But the lab certainly looks good."

Doctors were considering, among other operations, performing an ocular enhancement, a laryngeal dichoto-otomy, and some botox. "When he leaves here," said Phippsman, "He'll have a strong, understandable vision, he'll be able to speak directly and clearly, and, perhaps most importantly, his forehead will be virtually wrinkle-free."

Will Represent The Republican Wing of The Republican Party

Congressmen Tom Delay, Rick Santorum, and Trent Lott announced plans to stage a GOP "counter-convention" next week, designed to counter what they called "the tepid mix of weak, watered-down conservatism" that this week's GOP convention has been about.

While this week's convention highlighted compassionate conservatism, human rights, racial integration, national security, and opportunity, "We're looking for a platform based upon imperialism, bigotry, greed, and a relentless need for ever-increasing amounts of monumental power over other living beings," said Delay.

Monday night's theme will be "Power For Power's Sake"; Tuesday, "Keeping The Poor In Their Place"; Wednesday, "Dominating The World For Fun And Profit"; and Thursday will end with "We Can Do Whatever We Want As Long As We Lie About It."

Last night, Vice President Cheney whipped delegates of the RNC into a frenzy as he repeated the slogan that he first introduced on the floor of the Senate in June.

"When John Kerry says he will never mislead us into war," said Cheney, speaking from the podium, ". . . we say: 'Go Fuck Yourself!'"

Cheney continued:

And when Kerry says he'll roll back our tax cuts, we say: "Go Fuck Yourself!"

And when we're accused of not having a plan for peace in Iraq, we say: "Go Fuck Yourself"!

Cheney's address was well received by the delegates, many of whom interrrupted him with more than a dozen mid-finger ovations.

"I'm glad that the GOP, the party of Morals and Family Values, has finally got the nerve to tell the democrats to fuck off", said Diane Winters, a delegate from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

A few delegates, however, expressed concern. "I guess that it's a good slogan," said Dick Smith, a delegate from El Paso, Texas, "But isn't doing that illegal now?"

Written by the mysterious Bill Lyon. With hearty thanks and expeletives to him from all of us.

Correspondent Tom Burka reports from the field.

"Last night Arnold Schwarzenegger addressed delegates from the podium, but was not permitted to wander across the packed female-laden convention floor, for obvious reasons. He spoke to the crowd about compassionate conservatism, after which he led delegates in tonight's two-minute hate, which climaxed when Schwarzenegger used a shoulder-launched missile to blow away John Kerry in effigy.

Later, in a moment some say was calculated to make Arnold look smart, the Bush daughters spoke.

This is Tom Burka, reporting virtually live from the Republican National Convention."

Today, some hours after President Bush assured Americans that he would lose the war on terror, Rudy Giuliani, addressing the delegates at the Republican National Convention, told Americans that George W. Bush was the only candidate who could really, really lose it.

"Senator Kerry does not have the fortitude to lose the war on terror that President George W. Bush does," said Giuliani. "Only President Bush has the courage to pursue the determined, difficult course to utter failure."

He said that Bush was "rock solid, and not just from the neck up." He pointed out that Bush had not "strayed the course" despite being held up to ridicule. "So what," said Giuliani. "Churchill was ridiculed, Reagan was ridiculed, and stupid and silly people who were dumb and funny looking were ridiculed."

Giuliani closed by talking about President Bush's unique capabilities. "Few people could exploit the tragedy of 9/11 as well as our President," said Giuliani. "And I should know."

Our man in the field, Tom Burka, reporting virtually live from the Republican National Convention, has managed to phone in his very first report.

Update: Some readers wanted me to post the text of the audio: "From where I stand here just outside the Republican National Convention, Madison Square Garden is startlingly different from any other object in sight. It is an enormous pyramidal structure of glittering white concrete, soaring up, terrace after terrace, 300 metres into the air. From where I stand now it is just possible to read, picked out on its white face in elegant lettering, the three slogans of the Republican Party: 'WAR IS PEACE,' 'FREEDOM IS SLAVERY,' and 'IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.'"

Wants To Make Sure An American Wins, Among Other Things

President Bush tonight, acknowledging what he called the "overwhelming importance" of ensuring that the upcoming Presidential election is fair and accurate, and that "every person's vote is counted properly," has designated a panel of Olympic judges to oversee matters in the U.S.

"I can't think of a better group of people to do it," said Bush.

Administration officials stated that the President was concerned, among other things, that "some fantastic Russian" or "well-developed South Korean" might outperform American candidates and somehow steal the election. "We want to make sure that, at the very least, no foreign nationals can steal it," said Scott McCllellan.

"No one is more concerned than I am that the operation of democracy be impeded in any way," said Bush. "That's why I have created this blue ribbon panel. Let freedom reign."

In other news, President Bush was rounding the last lap of a record 365 vacation days in office, and is expected to earn himself a page in either the Guinness Book of Records or Ripley's "Believe It Or Not" just before he accepts his party's nomination sometime next week.

Also Claims Swift Boats Actually Quite Slow

Challenged by Navy records showing that Larry Thurlow, a Swift boat veteran, was at best mistaken and at worst a colossal liar when he swore that John Kerry had been deliberately dishonest about his Vietnam war record, Thurlow has now taken the position that the entire Vietnam war was "a sham."

"It never happened," said Thurlow. "The so-called 'war' was nothing more than an immense government con game."

Thurlow claimed that he and the other Swift boat veterans spent the so-called war years "sunning themselves on beaches in the Mediterranean," and that not only did John Kerry take part in that, he was "the tannest of them all."

"By the end of the war," said Thurlow. "Kerry was a complete bronze. That's why he got the star."

Asked how it could be possible that the government could have tricked the American people into believing the country had been involved in a war that had never occurred, Turlow said, "It's easy. Say something loudly and frequently enough and people will believe anything."

"Let me tell you," he added. "I know exactly how it's done."

In a transparently mercantile bid to keep protesters from disrupting the Republican National Convention later this month, the Bloomberg administration will offer "peaceful political activists" discounts at select hotels, museums, stores and restaurants around town . . . [Mayor] Bloomberg conceded yesterday that not everyone who wore a button would be strictly vetted for his or her peacefulness. "Unfortunately, we can't stop an anarchist from getting a button," he said . . .

"We will bring this city to its knees!" said "Mad" Alvin O'Zool, self-described anarchist and atheist. "These buttons are just the opportunity we've been waiting for."

The buttons will confer discounts at Applebee's and Mamie's Spoonbread restaurants, among other wildly desirable New York eateries.
"The delegates will be getting discounts, the protestors will be getting discounts -- when we anarchists use these pins to get massive discounts we will bring the city to the very brink of financial ruin!" O'Zool cried.

Mayor Bloomberg waxed philosphical on the question of whether violent protestors and radicals other than the anarchists will be cutting a wide swath of incendiary chaos and then wrongly using the pins to obtain satisfying, hot discounted meals.

"As long as they don't try to peacefully protest in Central Park," he said. "Anything but that."

Today, just after James McGreevey resigned his post as Governor of New Jersey while revealing himself to be a homosexual, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced his resignation on the grounds that he had had "multiple metrosexual assignations."

"It started off slowly, a manicure every so often," said an aide. "A facial here and there, some artificial tanning, and before you knew it he was into heavy duty skin moisturizers, hair care products -- the works. Sooner or later it was bound to get out."

"I am a fey American," said Mayor Bloomberg in an emotional and stunning speech to the city.

Critics claimed the Mayor resigned more out of jealousy of Governor McGreevey than out of civic duty. "Whatever they can do in New Jersey, we can do a thousand times better in New York," said an unamed former New York City official, the dead Fiorello LaGuardia. "Bloomberg wasn't going to let McGreevey grab the spotlight for more than a second."

Democrats bemoaned the timing of the resignations, saying that McGreevey, a Democrat, could have at least waited until the last day of the Republican National Convention to make his announcement.

Thanks to Christopher Rabb of Afro-Netizen for the headline and idea. Everyone should immediately go check out his blog.

Doctors were flown to Pensacola, Florida yesterday to consider surgical separation of George W. Bush and Senator John McCain after a campaign-related incident in which the two politicians accidentally shared the same brain.

"This is very risky," said Dr. Chaim Kneecapowitz of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. "We've never successfully separated two politicians, particularly two conservatives."

"I can't say that John McCain will ever be the same again," said Kneecapwotz. "We might be able to give him some of his former functionality, but I'm not sure he'll ever be able to work with a Democrat again."

"We can save him," Dr. Cheryl Misk-Hugh agreed. "But he won't be talking about campaign finance reform aqain."

Karl Rove has insisted that the first priority in the surgery will be to restore George W. Bush to his former self.

"Not the young boozer and drug taker," he said. "But we're looking to save the former self who was in thrall to corporate interests and the religious right."

The State of Illinois has raised a general "alert" to signal what it is calling the "imminent candidacy" of Alan Keyes for U.S. Senator.

"We just wanted people to be on their guard," said Pierre Dupont XXXV, a minor functionary in the Illinois Department of Vagueness.

Alan Keyes has apparently agreed to enter the Senate race against Barack Obama in Illinois. "It's a genuine matter of concern for most people," said Dupont. "I certainly would want to know before I went about my daily business."

Some have already blamed Keye's candidacy for causing a large drop in job growth reported this morning, while others are concerned that Keyes's forceful but insane oratory will cause crop damage, tornados, and coastal flooding.

Citicorp employees collectively railed against the fact that the Bush Administration yesterday announced an "orange alert" for a threat to their building which, it turns out, was based upon documents that were three or four years old. Employees were angry because, they said, they should have been given the four years off while higher-ups "worked to counter the threat."

"Do you know what I could have done with that time?' said Sally Ackerman, who works in Accounts Receivable.

"Dude," said Larry Hammerman, a 28-year-old filing clerk, "I coulda probably finished, like, playing the entire PlayStation 2 catalogue."

Citicorp has a little known policy that employees may take "emergency leave" during a bomb threat. "And the way I see it is, this is like a bomb threat that has been goin' on for like four damn years," said Hammerman.

High-ranking Citicorp officials scrambled to clarify the policy. "The policy was designed to permit employees to go home for an afternoon in the event of a bomb scare or other threat requiring that the building be evacuated," Juan Upsmanship, a Senior Vice-President, "We do not feel the current situation warrants evacuation."

Bush's Depiction of Kerry As Indecisive Appeals To Voters Having Difficulty Choosing Candidate

The relatively small group of undecided voters chose to vote for John Kerry today following a major campaign by George W. Bush to depict Kerry as a "flip-flopper" who has been unable to decide where to come down on an issue.

"Hey, that's just like me," said Felicity Unction, a formerly undecided voter from Frudge, Ohio. Before picking Kerry, Unction had spent her entire morning deciding which brand of baking soda to buy that afternoon. "There are so many of them," she said.

From the time Kerry became the Party's presumptive nominee last March, Bush has been working hard to depict Kerry as a flip-flopper who has taken both sides of every issue. Today, a Zogby poll found that the few undecided voters remaining in the race -- a historically smaller number than in previous election cycles, due to an extremely polarized electorate -- had chosen to vote for Kerry.

"The Bush campaign forgot that these undecided voters were people who just couldn't make up their minds, even when the choice was obvious," said Zogby. "They immediately warmed to Kerry."

On hearing the news, Karl Rove reportedly banged his head against a large densely packed object - Tom Ridge's head -- in frustration.

Eager To Not Bash Bush, Say Colleagues

Today Republican Democratic Senator Zell Miller -- who has been given a speaking role at the Republican National Convention -- demanded a speaking role at the Democratic Convention.

"I wanted to put in a good word for the achievements of Democrats willing to work closely with Republicans to accomplish real good for Democrats working with Republicans," Miller said.

The winning entry was by Andante of Collective Sigh.

TV Stations To Show Reruns Of "Lassie" Tonight

During a rehearsal at the Fleet Center this morning, Senator John Kerry, who was practicing his speech at the central podium, accidentally accepted the Democratic Party's nomination, approximately ten hours early.

"I gratefully accept the nomination of the Democratic Party," he said, and a confused Kucinich delegate on the floor immediately moved to accept the nomination, which was seconded and passed by American Samoa.

Although Kerry immediately realized his mistake and tried to "take back" his acceptance, a member of the Rules Committee informed him that there were "absolutely no take-backsies."

Because Convention rules specify that no nominee may accept a nomination twice, Kerry cannot accept the nomination this evening, and television networks are planning on showing reruns of "Friends," "Seinfeld," and "Lassie."

Security has been so tight at the Fleet Center that even delegates have sometimes had difficulty getting inside.

Hope Campobello, a New Jersey delegate, was on her way back into the Democratic National Convention when she was detained by security personnel because she refused to surrender a liquid. It is prohibited to bring liquids into the convention. As a result, Ms. Campobello missed John Edwards' acceptance speech.

"Hope was on the way," her husband Gino Campobello said. "But she was too damn thirsty to give up her Diet Coke."

Ms. Campobello had managed to get the Diet Coke through the metal detectors, over the barbed wire, and past the Royal Canadian Mounties when a bunch of police dogs, carefully trained to detect soft drinks, sounded the alert.

Hope refused to give up her Diet Coke because Diet Cokes, which are somehow sold by Verizon inside the Fleet Center, cost thirteen dollars a can.

John Edwards, always a champion of the tired and thirsty, refused to give up. "Hope is on the way," he said.

"I don't know. I think Hope got lost or something," said her husband, an hour or so later. "Maybe she just gave up and went home."

Opinions You Should Have has learned that John Kerry will be unable to deliver his acceptance speech on Thursday night as planned.

Just moments after Barack Obama delivered what some, even Republicans, are calling "one of the best convention speeches of the past twenty-five years," Kerry developed "a bad case of laryngitis."

"He really can't speak," said a spokesman.

When Kerry accepts the nomination, the DNC is considering rebroadcasting Clinton's Monday night speech, which many called "masterful," Obama's speech, or simply allowing Obama to deliver the acceptance speech for John Kerry.

Earlier yesterday, John Kerry gave a speech to the United Association Of Caffeine Processors, none of whom fell asleep.

Candidate To Go For "Whole Condiment" Sweep

The prestigious Hellman's Mayonnaise family endorsed John Kerry today, in what spokesmen hoped presaged "an entire group of condiment endorsements," known in the political sphere as "the whole jar of pickles."

Kerry, who corralled Heinz Ketchup with a simple marriage ceremony, is hoping to sew up the Krafts sometime in the coming week. Kerry is also trying to branch out: next Tuesday he is to meet with influential and powerful Chef Boyardi.

It is reported that Grey Poupon is on the fence, however. "We are attracted to the Republicans because they are rich, arrogant, and incredibly stuffy," said Lord Poupon earlier today.

"On the other hand, we are liking the Kerry very much," he added, "because we are French."

Feisty "Red-Shirted Warriors" Ready To Rumble

Courageous and strong-hearted delegates from Guam, the U.S. territory that has fielded the smallest number of delegates on the floor, 12, surged forward in what appeared to be a carefully coordinated thrust into Vermont, Connecticut, and Maryland, making a stab at capturing the coveted seating held by Massachussets directly in front of the stage.

Guam's delegation had been relegated to the "cheap seats," a tiny parallegram situated just to the north of the Virgin Islands' 13 delegates and far to the side of the floor. Just about seven minutes ago, during the speech of Gloria Fledt of Planned Parenthood, the Guam delegates screamed, "Massachussetts or bust!" and surged forward, pushing delegates in their way into Minnesota and North Carolina.

The Virgin Islands watched calmly throughout the ordeal, sipping pina coladas and fanning themselves lazily as they watched the chaos. "Guam needs to learn to relax, mahn," said a strangely Jamaican sounding member of the delegation.

Guam's rebellion was finally quelled when they began to listen to the droning, almost hypnotic voice of Phil Angelides , Treasurer of California, and they passed out, which Guam delegate Feroll Magnesia later claimed "had nothing whatsoever to do with our swimming in the Charles' river yesterday."

Eric Rice of Audioblog.com made what I'm sure he'll come to see as the epic mistake of offering audioblog accounts to ten of the convention bloggers. Thanks to him, we're going inside the Convention to make history with the first words broadcast by a blogger from the convention floor.

Thought He Was Retired From Small But Lucrative Dentistry Practice, They Claim

Lawyers for Kenneth Lay today claimed that Lay not only knew nothing of the corrupt and illegal practices of Enron, but was shocked to learn that he had been CEO of the company.

"So that's where all those large checks were coming from," Lay is reported to have said.

While Lay had initially advanced the claim that he knew nothing of any illegal practices -- and indeed, it seems, nothing of the day-to-day operations -- of the company that he ran, his lawyers today decided to "take Lay's defense a little further."

J. Frumious Bandersnatch, Esq., explained that Lay had thought that he was retired, and that all of his money had come from an extremely lucrative dentistry practice he had invested in years ago.

"He knew the money had something to do with drilling, but that's about it," Bandersnatch said.

Lay was also said to be surprised to learn that George W. Bush was President, that he and his company had been the top contributors to Bush for many years, that he had asked Dick Cheney to appoint an energy industry lackey to the directorship of the Federal Energy Regulation Committee, that Cheney did, and that "Friends" was no longer on television.

A tip of the hat to Doug Everett of KDVS-FM for the idea.

Necessary Step, Say Record Labels, Movie Studios

Major record labels, CD and DVD manufacturers decided today that they would hitherto release only CDs and DVDs in permanently sealed, unopenable packages to combat piracy.

"We feel that the packaging we have used so far, which hinders the buyer from opening his purchase for a good ten to fifteen minutes, was too tentative and weak," said Blad Futtworth, a musician and representative of the RPMAA, an anti-piracy group. "We have decided to fully commit to protecting the copyrights of our products."

"We still want people to buy our products, but we don't necessarily want them to hear them," said Manson Fruitfly, President of Riff Records. "If they can hear it, they'll probably want to illegally copy it."

New CD's and DVD's will be encased in seamless envelopes of unbendable titanium, itself containing unbreakable synthetic diamond shells.

Additionally, legally purchased downloads will be entirely scrambled from now on, said Fruitfly.

"We've finally licked this piracy thing," said Futtworth. "Now we, as artists, can concentrate on simply making the best product we possibly can."

Better Safe Than Sorry, Says Bush

U.S. officials discussing the idea of postponing Election Day to prevent a terrorist attack instead held it nearly four months early, in order to prevent what they called "a possible terrorist-related disruption of the democratic process."

"It was J. Paul Bremer's idea," said Enrico "Ticky" Tavi, a member of a secret commission responsible for the change. Tavi said the Commission is in charge of "safeguarding democracy."

"I'd say we achieved a real 'July surprise,'" said Tavi. "We sure caught those terrrorists off guard."

Although turnout was at a record low -- only a little more than 50 votes were cast -- George W. Bush carried every state, and won every vote except one.

"We're still looking for that guy," Tavi said.

Connection Unfathomable, Say Rove, Cheney

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced today that analysts had concluded that the likelihood of a terrorist strike in America increases whenever the President's popularity rating declines.

"There's a distinct correlation between the President's popularity ratings and increased terrorist activity," said Ridge. "Whenever President Bush's numbers go down, it's far more likely that we will be attacked by al Qaeda."

"The only thing we can advise is for U.S. citizens to like President Bush as much as possible to keep us all safe," Ridge concluded.

Standing in front of a wall of high-tech flat screen monitors, Ridge addressed reporters in the new Department of Homeland Security Security Operations Center.

"I can't for the political life of me say why this is happening," said Ridge. "I'm utterly stumped."

Ridge denied that Gilligan's Island was showing on one of the many screens behind him. "Oh, no," he said. "That's an uncharted desert isle."

Will Ban Trial Lawyers From Office Of Vice-President

President Bush introduced a bill today that will bring sweeping new tort reforms, including banning trial lawyers from occupying positions in the White House.

"It's bad enough these bloodsuckers are cluttering up our courts," said Bush. "Now they want to live and work in our places of government." Bush said CEO's and businessmen, not lawyers, should be running the country.

Bush said that it was mere coincidence that the proposed law would bar Sen. John Edwards from seeking the Vice Presidency. "John Edwards couldn't spark Dick Cheney's pacemaker," said Bush. Bush was careful not to repeat his comment yesterday that "Cheney can be President," because immediately afterward Cheney said, "Great," and commandeered the Oval Office, which he has refused to leave.

The President also sought to introduce a measure calling for "Grand Jury Litigation Reform," restricting fees collected by lawyers representing Presidents in connection with grand jury litigation.

"I can tell you from personal experience," said President Bush, "these fees are just too high."

Post, Times Totally Miss Boat

John Kerry announced today that dead former Vice-President Hubert Humphrey would be his running mate in the upcoming election. Kerry had the foresight to discuss the ticket with Humphrey many years ago (see picture at left), while Humphrey was still alive. Humphrey, whose death has not impeded his ability to speak, is eager to accept the nomination later this month.

Incredibly, the New York Post reported this morning that Richard Gephardt was Kerry's choice.. Those of us manning this page are helpless to explain how a newspaper or journalistic equivalent such as our own could ever get the facts so wrong.

Kerry's announcement regarding Humphrey also lays to rest the relentless speculation and rumor that John Edwards, and not Humphrey, was chosen. Kerry was forced to abandon his consideration of Edwards when the Disney Corporation was granted a preliminary injunction against his doing so, on the grounds that an Edwards-Cheney Vice-Presidential debate would infringe upon Disney's copyrights and trademarks.

Andrea Flange, a spokesman for Disney explained, "There's only one Beauty and the Beast."

Conservatives across the country are complaining vehemently about what they called "the countless and innumerable inaccuracies" of Michael Moore's documentary and polemic film, "Fahrenheit 9/11."

"For one thing, the title is intensely misleading," said Spartelby Fisk, a Republican gnome. "It has nothing to do with heat. It's a crock."

Fisk said that the film is a travesty. "For one thing, early in the film, President Bush moves in slow motion. President Bush has never moved in slow motion. This is just an out-and-out lie."

At several points Bush is shown in freeze frame. "He's never been that motionless," said Fisk. "This film is utterly dishonest."

Fisk also derided Moore for depicting Bush as "pasty" and "beady-eyed," and oft-times blurry and out-of-focus. "The President has always been distinct and clearly-defined," said Fisk.

In a private conversation, Karl Rove was heard to disagree. "I would never allow President Bush to be seen clearly by the American people. Good lord, how would I ever get anybody to vote for him?"

Problems In Training, Organization Made Governing Difficult, Says Report

A broad new Army report concludes that serious problems in training, organization and policy regarding military detention operations in Iraq and Afghanistan contributed to the abuses at Abu Ghraib prison, senior defense officials said Thursday.

The report also found that the Bush Administration was "ill-equipped" to lead the nation when Bush took power in 2001, and that inadequate training, poor organization, policy-making problems, and a "complete lack of judgment" contributed to the government's inability to "do anything right."

The report, by an Army group created to issue reports and say important things about "all kinds of stuff," recommended that future presidents have "more experience with actually governing," or, at the very least, "a clue."

"If they don't have a clue, then they should be given one," said Gen. Hazelnut Cappucino III. "That's what training's all about."

Some other observations included in the report were that the world was round, that the sun usually came up in the morning, and that domestic and foreign policies were better if they were formed with some foresight and actual knowledge.

Thousands of eager Iraqis gathered in Baghdad today to greet the "birth of a new Iraqi government" after the United States formally transfers power to an interim Iraqi authority. In Sabala Square, where the transfer ceremony was scheduled to take place, swarms of Iraqis waited patiently.

"I am so excited," said Gliknar Spood. "Everything will be so different!"

Achmed Splar, an Iraqi shoe salesman turned entrepreneur, was selling pins, t-shirts, and light wands to commemorate the day. "JUNE 30, 2004" was emblazoned on one t-shirt depicting J. Paul Bremer boarding a C-130 and leaving his combat boots on the tarmac as Iraqi President Ghazi Yawer looks on.

"Hey," asked Splar. "Where is everybody?"

In Case Of Senate Tie, Vice President Will Now Say "Aye" or "Go Fuck Yourself"

The Republican-controlled Senate revised its voting procedures today to reflect the new-found propriety of Vice President Dick Cheney's behavior last week on the Senate floor.

Now, in the event of a tie, the Vice-President will break the tie by voting in the affirmative and saying "Aye", or, when voting in the negative, saying "Go fuck yourselves."

Additonally, the more traditional "Aye" or "Nay" will be henceforth replaced by "Fuck Me" and "Fuck You."

The Senate Sergeant-at-Arms will no longer place members under arrest, but will tell them that they are "fucked." In the event that a member is expelled, the Sergeant-at-Arms will announce that the member has been totally fucked.

When a vote is held up in committee, it will be referred to as "a total fucking."

"We want to thank the Vice President for ushering in a new, more open era of Senate civility," said. Sen. Bill Frist. "I mean, fucking-A."

Rove, Rice, Powell, Bush "Absolutely Panicked"; Cheney, Rumsfeld Unperturbed

White House officials today feared that its decision to seek to torture "enemy combatants" and terrorists might lead to the perception they had, in fact, done what they did.

"The minute the public catches on to what we actually do here everyday, we're finished," said an unamed functionary, Colin Powell.

In response to its fears, the White House released 258 pages of internal memos showing that the President, White House lawyers, and Donald Rumsfeld had explicitly approved the use of torture.

"These documents," the President said, "show that we never approved the use of torture."

The President explained that when he said, in one of the documents, that we "needed new thinking in the law of war," and that the "war on terror ushers in a new paradigm," he meant that we needed "the same old, humane thinking."

Documents show Donald Rumsfeld's kinder side, said White House officials. A document [note: pdf] that approved, among other things, forcing prisoners to stand for up to four hours at a time bore Rumsfled's notation, "Why only four? I stand for eight to ten hours day."

"What Secretary Rumsfeld meant was that prisoners would be given standing desks, several overly solicitous aides, a generous salary, as much coffee as they wanted, and air conditioning," said Albert Gonzalez, White House Counsel.

A document written by White House lawyers explicitly approving the use of torture was "being rewritten" to suggest that White House lawyers had approved giving prisoners lollipops and "non-expiring" cell phone minutes, said Gonzalez.

The White House refused to release further documents because they would only show, in even more specific and graphic language, spokesmen said, that torture was not condoned.

"To release these other documents," said Donald Rumsfeld with a smile, "would just be overkill."

HMO's giddy with excitement after winning a ruling from the Supreme Court banning patients from suing them for malpractice filed suit against their customers alleging business intereference and harassment today.

"These patients are always asking for some doctor or for some drug," said SafetyNet CEO Luther Bling-Bling. "It's enough to make you sick."

"I'm absolutely harried. It's getting much harder to make ends meet," said Health-U-Bet President Lucy Cashmore. "I can hardly keep my kids in cashmere, and these people are whining about their meds, their internal organs, their lives. It's always me, me, me with them."

Patient Juan Davila was ordered to pay Aetna $300,000 for filing a "frivolous" lawsuit in state court after he developed serious bleeding ulcers when Aetna gave him ground glass instead of a more expensive medicine, Vioxx, to treat his arthritis.

Aetna defended its action. "We're being very reasonable here. We're only asking for attorney's fees," said a spokesman for Aetna. "It's not like we wanted his left kidney."

Clinton Again Banished To Couch

Hillary Clinton was "extremely unsettled" by what she described as George W. Bush's "unnaturally kind remarks" to Clinton at the recent White House unveiling of Bill and Hilary Clinton's portraits. "The only explanation is that Bill is again `mowing someone else's lawn,' if you take my meaning," said one of Sen. Clinton's staffers.

"Bush was much more intimate in these several minutes with President Clinton than Gore was during his entire campaign," said a Gore campaign manager who wished to remain nameless, Donna Brazile. "It's not surprising that Hillary feels that Bill has one again indulged in fiddle-faddle."

In response, President Clinton was, once again, banished to the couch, where, as he recounted in his memoirs, he previously spent "an engaging two months" after "discussing" Monical Lewinski with Hillary. President Clinton is apparently thinking of fitting the couch with "full luxury options," including a stereo, fold-out digital TV with DVD playback, and portajohn.

Laura Bush did not, in turn, banish her husband to the couch because, she said, "he's never made a mistake." She added: "If he's sleeping with Bill Clinton, I'm sure it's for the national security."

Orders Eggs And "Intrinsically-Linked" Sausages

Despite the report of the 9/11 Commission that a thorough review of all relevant evidence showed that there was never any link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, Vice President Cheney is unable to go as long as three minutes without asserting the existence of such a connection.

"I'll have the waffles," he told a waitress earlier today, "with a side of bacon and Hussein was in bed with bin Laden all the way."

Cheney has mentioned the nonexistent link as many as 300 times so far today, alleging it during discussions of domestic oil production, Halliburton contracts, energy policy, and Diebold voting machines.

"We don't need a paper trail," said Cheney. "We don't have a paper trail that leads directly from Saddam to a certain now-desecrated spot in lower Manhattan, but we still know what Saddam did there."

At home, the Vice President has re-labelled the salt and pepper shakers on his dining room table "Iraq" and "Al Qaeda," and was recently heard to claim in a phone call to Anita Bryant, "They are like orange juice and sunshine."

In other news, Republicans cried foul when Time Magazine revealed that the "undisclosed location" to which Dick Cheney has periodically retreated is an underground bunker hidden in a popular theme park.

The Vice President is often in Fantasyland.

Recruiters Try New Tactics to Sell Wartime Army - [W]ith the Army's presence in Iraq and Afghanistan continuing, with plans for a temporary increase of 30,000 troops in the Army's reserve, and with soldiers' tours being extended in Iraq, a top Pentagon official this month expressed concern about military recruiting in the years ahead.

Learn to love rejection. Remember those pesky relatives who come to visit you but never ever really leave? Be one of them.

Facing a long term jail sentence? You don't have to! Today's Army needs convicted felons like you to round out our, uh, glockenspiel band.

And don't go into combat alone. Bring a friend! Bring two! Bring the whole family! Our "buddy" option lets you enlist with someone you like, and who likes you (But not "that way," okay?). Nothing cements the bond of friendship than the truly unique ritual of dragging your pal to safety after he's been fragged.

Has your boyfriend/wife/lover been cheating/neglectful/clinging like a barnacle that can only be surgically removed? What better way to forget than to do eight weeks of glorious, relationship-free basic training, followed by an assignment overseas. Chances are, you won't even go to Iraq. You could go to South Korea or Germany instead. For at least a week, maybe.

It doesn't get any any better than this! It really doesn't. Sign up today!

Warning: Following orders may lead to unwanted media attention, prison sentences, and international vilification. In the event that you are wounded, medical attention and travel expenses may cost extra. You may need to provide your own equipment. Digital cameras, laptop computers, pencils and paper may be confiscated. Your memory may be subject to periodic revision. Although term of service may nominally be limited to fifteen months, you may be required to stay in the military until death or permanent disability. Coupons may not be honored. Some restrictions may apply. Get a haircut.

Republicans today rallied the cry to rename most of the nation's buildings in honor of Ronald Reagan, and planned to rename George W. Bush after him as well.

The White House will be renamed The Ronald Reagan House (Which Happens To Be White), and, as soon as stonemasons can replace the face, the Lincoln Memorial will be renamed the Reagan Memorial. (Lincoln's great speeches, carved into the walls of the Memorial, will be left there, "Because didn't Reagan play Lincoln in some movie?" said Francis Bickel, chair of the Reagan Memorial Defense Committee. "He probably said those after he liberated the jews from the death camps.")

The Presidency is to renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Presidency, and George W. Bush will henceforth be known as the First Ronald Reagan President, or the "Pretty Good" Communicator.

"It's a good thing," said Bush. "I hope I can live up to it. I understand that Abe Lincoln once landed a jet on the USS Ronald Reagan, and I'd like to do that, too."

President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."

Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.

"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.

Habeeb McKenzie, a postal worker from Iowa, said,"That umbrella don't work for shit! Who is he kidding? Can I offer you some mail?"

Plan To Rename, Repaint Offices, Too

Iraq took a mighty step forward toward creating an independent sovereign government this week as the Iraqi Governing Council -- a group of U.S. appointed Iraqi exiles seen as largely subservient to U.S. demands -- renamed itself and became a group of dynamic, independent thinkers -- made up of the very same people.

"I am a new man!" cried Prime Minister Iyad Allawi. "I could order American troops out of Iraq tomorrow if I wished!"

Asked if this was true, Allawi became suddenly sober and said," I don't know. Let me make a call." After disappearing into his study and making an overseas call, Allawi emerged and answered, "No. I can't."

He raised his hands over his head in a gesture of triumph. "But I can dream!" he cried.

Mysterious New Body Has No Actual Name

The Iraqi Governing Council transformed itself into -- something else.

"Everyone's calling us the 'new interim goverment,' but we had been thinking about calling ourselves 'New Government with Minty Fresh Scent' to spice it up," said "New Improved" Foreign Minister Hoshiyar Zebari, who had previously been Foreign Minister in the Iraqi Governing Council.

"That's how I got this job," Zebari joked. "Foreign Minister was already on my resume."

All Chalabi, All the Time Is Only Thing That Will Satisfy American Public, Say Networks

Cable networks across the country announced today adding the "Chalabi Channel," in order to sate what they called "the insatiable appetite" of American consumers for news, discussion, and entertainment revolving around former-good-guy-turned-bad-guy Ahmed Chalabi.

"I, for one, just can't get enough," said Vinnie Schlockboom, a coal miner from Grundigsville, Pennsylvania. As Mr. Schlockboom dug into a huge movie-theater-sized container of hot-buttered popcorn, he lay back in his E-Z-chair and quickly surfed television channels for any tidbit about the "newly exiled exile."

"It's a classic American tale," said Princeton English Professor Hilda Hammerman, "Good man woos country, good man gets thrown out of country, good man gets country, good man turns out to be lying thief, trickster and traitor, has house continually raided, loses country."

Kevin Drum of the blog Political Animal and Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo have been signed on to sort out the facts and talk endlessly about the never-ending stream of developments and revelations about Chalabi. Richard Perle and Newt Gingrich will mud-wrestle Condoleezza Rice on "White House Rumble!" to get her to reverse the White House decision to stop associating with the same man to whom they paid millions so that he would tell them exactly what they wanted to hear.

A sitcom called "Chalabi and Friends" is reportedly in development. It will feature Ahmed Chalabi and a host of "unlikely political characters" who live in two apartments across the hall from each other bed-hopping and switching partners until the show goes into syndication.

Today the Department of Homeland Security warned of a much higher risk of a terrorist attack over the coming months, which prompted them to raise the threat level from Yellow ("Elevated") to Yellow ("Still Elevated"). "The threat level remains fundamentally the same," said Tom Ridge, "Except that it is definitely, certainly much threatier."

In response, the FBI pledged to step up its random arrest program, used most recently to such great effect with Portland lawyer Brandon Mayfield last week, who, although not a terrorist, "was unable to mount a terrorist attack during his two weeks in captivity, had he really been one."

Although unable to supply a date, time, place, method, situation, guess, hope, or random thought for the expected attack on the U.S. by al Qaeda, Ridge said there was "credible intelligence" corroborated by lots of "chatter" that, while not "actionable," provided a firm basis for scaring the bejesus out of an otherwise complacent U.S. populace.

"We don't want people to panic," said Ridge. "But it could be any place, at any time, and it could be either a nuclear explosion that flattens the coast or a biological attack that could make "The Day After Tomorrow" look like a high school picnic."

"Or not," he added.

Ridge cut his remarks short to make a trip to Capitol Hill to get the Department of Homeland Security renamed the "Department of Scaring The Pants Off People While Not Offering The Slightest Help Whatsoever."

"The Government" To Join Reality TV Lineup Until June 30

In one of his most important speeches to date, the President unveiled a detailed and methodical plan for the transfer of sovereignty to a new Iraqi government.

"We have entered into an arrangement with Survivor's Mark Burnett to choose the 30 members of the Iraqi interim government. 100 Iraqis will compete against each other to choose the 30 finalists and a new form of government in what, I think you'll agree, will make a very exciting month of television," the President announced before the U.S. Army War College tonight.

U.N. representative Lakhdar Brahimi will host, due to the unavailability of Survivor regular Jeff Probst, said Bush. Shi'ite Ayatollah Ali Sistani and representatives of the Sunnis and Kurds will be forced to run mazes, sell lemonade, and stand for hours on tree stumps while keeping their arms raised to prove their worth in running Iraq.

"Choosing the correct 30 people to run the interim government of Iraq is absolutely crucial to the success or failure of this grand experiment," said Bush. "There may be other ways to choose the 30 people, but we couldn't think of any."

White House officials dealt with criticism of the plan as half-baked, uncooked, and imbecilic by replying that having a plan -- any plan -- would be better than simply hoping that a truly workable interim government would simply coalesce while they "made a lot of speeches about it."

Proves Digital Cameras "Terrible Threat" To Nation, Says Rumsfeld

On Saturday, a soldier on leave, using his cellphone camera, took a picture of President Bush riding his bicycle into a huge ditch. The photograph showed that the President had been riding with his eyes closed, while Donald Rumsfeld, Condeleezza Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, and Dick Cheney directed Bush to ride off the edge of a precipice and into the dangerous ravine.

The President denied that he needed to ride with his eyes open in the future. "Ya see, that's just what these ravines want, they want us to get away from these sheer drop-offs. But we will not be strayed from our mission," he said.

Donald Rumsfeld, who has banned digital cameras, camcorders, cellphones with cameras, and the gift of sight from all military compounds in Iraq, immediately extended the ban to all U.S. military personnel everywhere.

Pvt. Northrup O'Hallohan, who took the picture, was immediately placed under house arrest. His cellphone camera has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay for questioning.

"I don't know what I did wrong," said O'Hallohan. "I thought I still had 200 free minutes."

Search Of Chalabi Home Turns Up Only A $33 Million Watch

The U.S., pretending to an arm of the Iraqi Provisional Authority, invaded Ahmed Chalabi's house today, because Chalabi was deemed to be an "imminent threat" to the nation's pocketbooks, Donald Rumsfeld said today.

Rumsfeld initially claimed not to have any knowledge of the invasion, saying that the action had been mounted by members of the Iraqi government. However, he admitted that he had actually given the order to invade Chalabi's home when confronted with the fact that no Iraqi government yet exists. "Oh yeah," he said.

J. Paul Bremer, the U.S.-installed Occupational Czar of Iraq, was disappointed by how little was discovered in the raid of Chalabi's home, since he had been "fairly sure" that that the missing WMD would actually turn up inside.

"That would have been perfect," said Bremer, sitting next to a stack of Agatha Christie novels. "I mean, only a month ago we were still paying the little creep."

Chalabi is unfazed by the sudden downturn in his relationship with the United States. He was last seen in negotiations with cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

"I can tell you a lot about the Americans," he is said to have boasted.

New Belief System Entitles Them To Tax-Exempt Status

[A]ccording to the office of Texas Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn, a Denison Unitarian church isn't really a religious organization -- at least for tax purposes. Its reasoning: the organization "does not have one system of belief."

"Is that belief system enough for ya?" said Unitarian Minister Obiah P. Dowd, who doubles as the sheriff of Yaul County.

The Unitarian Church is now moving to disqualify the Catholic Church from tax-exempt status because it propounds belief in the existence of the Holy Trinity. "We count that as three," said Minister Dowd.

In a press conference today, Comptroller Strayhorn said that she was entitled to judge the Unitarian religion based upon her acute expertise in all matters theological. "I've seen The Ten Commandmants dozens of times," said Strayhorn. "It used to be on the television every year."

Strayhorn denied being inconsistent for allowing the Church of Scientology to have tax-exempt status in Texas. "Oh, but they they have one belief system", she said. "They only believe in fleecing Tom Cruise."

Kerry aide Laura Nuptial denied the charge, saying that the Senator had merely unsuccessfully attempted to pick his nose during a prominent campaign appearance, and later removed his finger from his face "without incident."

Wasn't Going To Be President of Council Much Longer Anyway, He Says

President Bush was cautiously upbeat about the recent assassination of Iraqi Governing Council President Ezzidin Salim this morning, saying that though it was a "terrible tragedy," it did make one of the changes envisioned by the June 30 the transition plan, "only much more forcefully."

Bush explained that he had expected that Salim would not have remained President of the Governing Council much after June 30 in any case.

"This is bad news, bad, bad news," said Bush. "The good news is this occurred outside the Green Zone, so things are certainly improving."

White House spokesmen echoed the President's optimism. "We'd like to think that we're not losing a Council President, we're gaining a speedier transition," said White House aide Hector Turlington IV.

Corey Humongous, a retired tire welder from Calefon, Ohio, agreed: "Because after this, we just want to get the hell out of there that much faster."

In related headlines, Bush Administration officials welcomed news that a bomb containing Sarin nerve gas had exploded in Baghdad recently. "We've finally found those weapons of mass destruction," said a greatly relieved low level Bush Administration flunkee -- Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

A vicious cycle of outrage threatens to swallow up Washington following Sen. Inhofe's (R. Okla.) statement earlier this week that he was "more outraged by the outrage than he was by the treatment" of Abu Ghraib prisoners. Democrats immediately became outraged that he was more outraged by the outrage, and now Republicans are livid that Democrats are furious at Sen. Inhofe's acrimony.

Historians can recall few times as outrageous, but recall previous incidents in American politics, such as 1742, when the Tories were irked by ire, 1773, when the Whigs were fuming about wrath, or 1907, when populists were incensed by aggravation.

"All pales compared to the period when Mary Lincoln confessed to Abraham that she was piqued by temper," said Sydney Mayhew, a scholar in the field of acute exasperation.

Sen. Inhofe has previously been menaced by menace and mystified by mysticism, so his statements this week should not have been very surprising, said Mayhew.

And the effect on the citizenry? "All of this anger we're seeing in Congress right now," said Mayhew, "It probably just pisses them off."

In honor of the "CEO President," and in recognition of the fine advances he has brought to modern management techniques, the Harvard Business School will offer a new degree, called the "M.B.A.": Master Of Bush Administration.

Professor Stephen Hambone, Ph.D.Th. (Doctor of Thinkology), explained, "President Bush has taken delegation to an entirely new level. We used to teach that you should delegate to the most competent and intelligent individuals in your organization. But President Bush has taught us that you can delegate to anyone, as long as you don't read their reports."

Professor Hambone also lauded the President for cutting down on executive reading: "You don't have to read critical documents anymore -- or any documents, really -- and in fact, it's preferable. Cuts down on the likelihood of shareholder litigation or impeachment."

Professor Hambone was effusive in his praise of Bush's "no-minute management style," and related other Bush lessons: "Always call the work of top supervisors 'superb,' even when they've endangered a core mission. When you say your supervisors look good, you look good. And blameless."

The school will be taking applications only from those nominally serving in the National Guard, starting this July.

Not Widespread, But Thankfully Good For Economy, Says Rumsfeld

A contrite U.S. Department of Labor explained that Friday's encouraging job numbers largely were due to increases in the hiring of U.S. military intelligence officers overseas and assorted specialists who "helped" them, as well as a large number of expensive civilian contractors employed in Iraq to perform interrogations.

"We believe the abuse, while certainly horrific, was not widespread," said Donald Rumsfeld last Friday, "but we are encouraged that, at the very least, this international scandal is helping to revive our economy."

Today the President lauded Rumsfeld for doing a "superb" job, and added that he was "impressed" at how Mr. Rumsfeld was able to see the "silver cloud" in even in the "darkest lining."

The Department of Labor was optimistic about the number of jobs the economy would add next month, even taking into account possible job losses of people who might be court-martialled, a spokesman said.

When George was little, his father put him in charge of the garden in the back yard.

"Now, George, the gardeners are going to make this garden nice. All you have to do is make sure that they do a good job."

"Yes, Daddy," said George.

George had some other things to do, so he put his dog in charge of the gardeners.

When the gardeners came, they burned down the toolshed, destroyed the garden, trampled the yard, and demolished the neighbor's house.

When George's father came back, he was stunned.

"How did this happen?" he asked George.

"Dad, I cannot tell a lie," George said. "I am disgusted by what I see here today. I am as surprised as you to see this devastation. Rest assured that investigations into this disaster will begin immediately."

"Don't you have something to say to me?" said George's father.

"I told the neighbors I was deeply sorry that their house burned down," said George.

"Don't you think you better get rid of that dog?" said George's father.

"No, father, he's a good dog, and I'm going to keep him."

George put the dog in charge of the investigation.

The Little Mermaid joined Michael Moore today to protest what she called "film distribution fascism," in response to Disney's refusal to distribute either Ariel's or Mr. Moore's films.

Ms. Ariel's film "The Little Mermaid" has not been available in stores anwhere since it was placed on "moratorium" in February, 2000.

"It can't be a coincidence that my film was pulled from the shelves just when George W. Bush was made President," said Ariel, speaking outside of Disney-MGM Studios' "Voyage of the Little Mermaid" earlier today, where she appears daily.

"I believe Disney pulled my film in response to my stance against unregulated bulk fishing, which this Administration champions," said Ariel.

Ariel decried any suggestion that the "moratorium" was related to her 1999 breakup with Disney chief Michael Eisner. On the other hand, Michael Moore was fairly certain that Disney's refusal to distribute his film was "somewhat related" to Moore's refusal to date Mr. Eisner in 2003.

Ariel and Mr. Moore were joined by Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Aladdin, The Lion King, Bambi, Shere Khan, Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, and 101 Dalmatians.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse declined to comment.

Responsibility For U.S. Soldiers' Misconduct Must Go "Right To The Top," Affirms Current Prez

Today President Bush said that the blame for the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners must lie with "the very highest offices responsible for overseeing the military," and that, accordingly, President Clinton was at fault.

"Far from being just the misdeeds to a handful of misbehaving soldiers, we have to see these that only one person and one person alone ultimately bears responsibility for the government over which he presides," said Bush. "That person is, of course, President Clinton."

"President Clinton's failure to act directly caused the horrors we have discovered today," Bush continued. "If President Clinton had invaded Iraq when he should have, this would never have happened."

President Bush called for the formation of a special commission to investigate the many ways in which Clinton caused the ailments of today's America: "President Clinton should fess up to these aburdly high gas prices," he said. "Not to mention all these lost jobs. He sure has a lot to answer for."

More Secure And Humane, Says U.S.

In response to what appears to be widespread, sanctioned abuse and torture of captive Iraqis at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison, the Bush Administration has reconstituted the Republic Guard and directed its generals to oversee U.S. prison facilities in Iraq "from now on."

"We want to make sure that Iraqi prisoners are treated better than American soldiers treat them," said U.S. General Chaim Matlock.

The Republican Guard will also take over the U.S. seige of Fallujah. "We don't want to inflame Iraqis, so instead of U.S. soldiers shelling the hell out of them, we thought they'd take more kindly to the Republican Guard doing it."

Former Saddam Hussein lookalike and Republican Guard leader Jasim Muhammad Saleh was to be placed in charge of the U.S. mission. However, after he told U.S. officials that there were "no Iraqis in Fallujah" and that he "doubted that there were any in Iraq," American officials said they might "reconsider" a decision which they said "might be yet another unimaginably colossal blunder."

Hopes For More Inquiries of White House Failures, Disasters

President Bush today spoke of the visit of the 9/11 Commission and their questions about possible government failures leading up to the worst terrorist attack on American soil.

"I enjoyed it," said Bush. "It was the most fun."

The President said that he could not remember why he attempted to block the formation of the Commission or stonewall them completely for much of the time since their creation.

"Nice peoples have pretty ties," he said.

After the meeting, White House staffers took the Commisssioners' notebooks away to see if they contained any classified information that they could redact and reveal later at a politically opportune moment.

"Big people take nice men paper away," Bush said.

After Bush's statements, Vice President Cheney led Bush away with several balls and toys.

In a response to the pentagon's recent statement that today's mammoth exchanges of hostile weapons fire did not mean that the fragile ceasefire negotiated between Iraqi insurgents and the U.S had ended, the International Protocol Evaluation Committee on All Ceasefires (IPECAC) voted the Fallujah ceasefire the "best ever."

Dr. Neb Blimbo explained that while most ceasefires were "outright dull," the ceasefire at Fallujah had been "really spiced up" by the spectacular plumes thrown up by primary and secondary explosions against the night sky.

"Ceasefires are so much more exciting when the parties are absolutely blowing the living crap out of each other," he explained.

Blimbo further explained that the siege of Fallujah still qualified as a ceasefire because the participants "cease firing every ten seconds or so when they have to reload."

Dr. Blimbo's other favorite ceasefires include the Tet Offensive, ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, and Custer's Last Stand.

Karen Hughes, in a withering attack on John Kerry today, complained that it was awful for Kerry to throw away or keep his medals or ribbons from the Vietnam war.

Hughes admitted that she was confused as to whether Kerry had said that he kept his highly prestigious medals, but had actually thrown them away, or the reverse. "I don't care about the facts," she said.

"Whatever Kerry did or didn't do with the medals he earned for saving men's lives in dangerous combat, it's a disgrace," she said. "His so-called defense of this country makes me puke."

"If George W. Bush had earned a medal for anything that he did, you can bet he wouldn't have faked throwing out any award that he would possibly have earned," she said. "If they gave out medals for running out on National Guard duty, for disregarding a direct order, or for practically flunking the National Guard pilot's exam, you can bet the President would have taken a principled stand on them, if he had had any principles."

Hughes derided the bravery and valor that led Kerry to get the medal in the first place. "Anyone can get medals," she said. "It's keeping them or throwing them out that's the hard part."

"I don't know if you can get a medal for driving drunk," she said defiantly, "but if you could, the President would have a whole deskful."

The Bush Administration announced today that the new Iraqi interim government they are to transfer power to on June 30 would not be able to make new laws, regulate spending, control armed forces, or govern, but would be permitted to "take out the trash on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"They'll have plenty to do," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Only 10 weeks from the scheduled transfer of sovereignty, the White House is still uncertain what form of interim government to create.

"We've been considering a 'caretaker' government, a 'gofer' government, a 'custodial' government, a 'babysitter' government, a 'satellite' government, a 'puppet regime,' a mindless bureaucracy, a 'faux' authority, or a 'complete charade,'" said McClellan.

That "government" would remain in "power" until "elections" are held next year, he stated.

"We want Iraqis to know what it means to be truly liberated, to enjoy complete freedom, and to form the government of their choosing," said McClellan.

"Just not today," he added.

"Even a savage can understand what it means to be free, eh, Powell? Free."

"Yes, Mr. President, sir."

"Democracy is the essence of freedom. In a democracy, the People rule. The People have the say. Or at least, their elected leaders have the say for four years, during which they can do whatever they want."

"Yes, sir."

"Democracy, Powell!"

"Yes, sir."

"These savages will accept democracy over my soldiers' dead bodies! We will not yield! We will stay the course! Everyone is entitled to to freedom, and if those infidels can't understand or accept that, we'll have to make them understand!'

"Yes, sir."

"Are you with me, Powell?"

"Yes sir. I 'll try to be."

"You're either with me or against me, Powell. Which is it?"

"I guess I -- I'm with you, sir. Are there any lies or willful misprepresentations you want to make to the United Nations, sir?"

"Not today, Powell. Now, get out."

Two months before the invasion of Iraq, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell warned President Bush about the potential negative consequences of a war, citing what Mr. Powell privately called the "you break it, you own it" rule of military action, according to a new book.

When Bush ordered military forces to invade Iraq, he reportedly told commanding Gen. Tommy Franks, "Make sure you get a receipt."

Today Bush announced that he wanted to exchange Iraq for "a country that welcomes invading Americans with open arms," and noted that he was "willing to take cash," but Iraqis said that they would probably only give him a credit towards the purchase of a fundamentalist Muslim theocracy.

Bush is also irritated because before he can return Iraq, he will have to wait in line for hours at the Iraqi Department of Customer Service.

Bush is prepared to make an impassioned plea. "The country was already broken when we got it," he will say. Bush will add that the "oilfields have never functioned properly" and complain about "an awful ding" in the "left side" of the country.

"We didn't do that," Dick Cheney is to claim.

Fans of the Fox television show "American Idol" tuned in last night and voted immediately and resoundingly to bounce the President from the show.

"It was a one-note performance," said Terry Ackerly of Dented Fender, New Mexico.

Bush performed "Stay the Course," but, according to some fans, was only capable of repeating the same tired phrases in a jerky, halting manner.

"Sometimes it looked like he had totally forgotten the words," said Ackerly.

Simon Cowell was particularly harsh. "I don't know why you think you have a chance in this business," he told Bush, and called it "perhaps the worst performance of Elton John I have ever witnessed."

Randy Jackson said that he was "disappointed" but that "the vocals weren't there," and added that the President "didn't connect with him." Paula Abdul told the President that "she really liked his tie," but that sometimes he was "awfully smirky and a little pitchy."

"You could be fresher and more sincere," said Abdul.

Also Decried Clinton's Failure To Cover Bare-Bosomed Statues

John Ashcroft, testifying today before the 9/11 Commission, laid the blame for the World Trade Center disaster squarely on the shoulders of President Clinton and his government, stating that "their bizarre adherence to established constitutional protections endangered us all."

Ashcroft, who listed the top priorities of the Department Justice as "eradicating bare breasts from the paintings, sculptures, public parks, and the workplace" and "making good Christian music replace rock and hip-hop on FM radio,' lectured the 9/11 Commission on "how hobbled we all are when we give people these so-called rights."

"Better to be safe and in jail than on the street and in danger," said Ashcroft, decrying all these "individual rights people are having."

Ashcroft also assailed the Clinton for what he called "meaningless dithering" about assasinating foreign nationals.

"They couldn't go and blow bin Laden away," said Ashcroft, speaking of the Clinton administration, "because they kept talking about their high and mighty 'rule of law' thingy-do."

"Like it was all that," he added.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has apologized for an incident last week in which a U.S. marshal erased reporters' recordings of a speech Scalia gave to high school students.

As Scalia was apologizing for a previous seizure of the reporters' tapes, he noticed that they were recording his apology, whereupon he ordered federal marshalls to seize the recordings and grind them into dust.

"I have a First Amendment right to destroy the First Amendment rights of others," Scalia later said in a letter apologizing for seizing the recordings of his apology.

In a separate letter, Justice Clarence Thomas concurred.

"I've asked myself a thousand times what more we could have done," Rice said. "I know that had we thought that there was an attack coming in Washington or New York, we would have moved heaven and earth to try and stop it."

Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."

"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."

Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.

He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.

"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."

Originally published on August 20, 2003.

It seems strangely relevant today.

Rogue Employees Are Top Threat To Nation's Security, Says Rice

Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld gave a joint press conference this morning in which they announced that the greatest threat to the nation's security are "rogue employees" that "threaten to undermine the security and confidence of the nation."

Rumsfeld stressed the importance of building an "impenetrable shield" to stop these former employees from "compromising our future."

Rumsfeld estimated that the shield could cost anywhere between 10 and 100 billion dollars, although private White House estimates place the cost of the shield at 500 billion.

"These disaffected employees have large, terrible axes to grind and if we cannot disarm them, then we must guard against them" said Rumsfeld.

"We are not going to stand idly by and watch revisionists threaten the safety of our nation," said Rice.

A White House aide trusted with sensitive national security information was detained in a "safe house" for weeks after he accidentally ordered a "no-holds-barred, resurrected, non-functioning ICBM missile shield" instead of a double-shot no foam nonfat latte at a D.C. Starbucks in early September of 2001.

"It was a natural mistake," the aide, Kenneth Katonka III, said. "At the White Hosue and Pentagon we ate, drank, and slept missile shields. So I ordered one."

"Yes, we wanted a $100 billion missile shield," said Rumsfeld. "But I also wanted a latte. Mr. Katonka got the orders confused."

News of Katonka's detention reignited the firestorm burning in Washington over whether the Bush Administration incompetently missed the boat in predicting that the worst threat to America would be Saddam Hussein's development of huge nuclear missiles that could threaten the United States.

"So we were a little off," said Rumsfeld.

Condy Rice denied that there was much emphasis on a missile shield, despite a speech she was scheduled to make on September 11, 2001 making the creation of a missile shield to protect the U.S. against "rogue ICBM's" the cornerstone of U.S. national security policy.

"Mr. Katonka's account is simply, completely, utterly false," she said. "I wanted a caramel machiatto."

Will Also Permit Witnesses To Testify Jointly And Simultaneously

The U.S. Court system is adopting an entirely new set of rules for testimonial evidence today in recognition of the 9/11 Commission's novel and persuasively convenient methods of gathering evidence, a spokesman for all American courts said today.

The 9/11 Commission's apparent acceptance of President Bush's offer to testify jointly with Dick Cheney has "revolutionized the taking of testimony in courts everywhere," said legal expert Prof. Dozey Doats.

"Not requiring witnesses to testify under oath and not formally recording their statements totally streamlines the judicial process as we know it," said Prof. Doats. "Why didn't we think of this before?"

As soon as the new rules were announced, prospective witnesses all over America came forward to testify in secret with each other before courts not recording their testimony.

"Being able to testify with your friends is a lot more fun than testifying alone," said 8 year-old Jill Beets, an eyewitness from Montclair, Nebraska, who testified recently at a murder trial jointly with ten of her "bestest" friends.

"I can understand why President Bush wants to testify along with Vice-President Cheney," she said. "Testifying is scary and sometimes you just want someone big to hold your hand."

Seek to Declassify Her Private 9/11 Testimony, Too

Republican Congressional leaders said Friday that they would seek to declassify past Congressional testimony from Richard A. Clarke, President Bush's former counterterrorism chief, in an effort to demonstrate that the former aide had lied this week about Mr. Bush's record.

Rice recently asked the Commission for the opportunity to testify privately before them a second time, but not under oath, and only while speaking through a large hand puppet.

"It is our view that use of the hand puppet would give Ms. Rice plausible deniability, should anyone challenge her statements," said Michael Musto, a new spokesman for the White House. "If that happens, we will just blame it on the hand puppet."

For her part, Rice categorically denied lying to the Comission in her previous testimony. Rice said that it would be "revisionist history" to say that she was lying when she said that she wasn't lying when she lied before.

"We just want the American people to have the truth," she said of the most famously secretive government in America's history.

"Cross Dick 's heart," she added.

Would Really Rather Not Be Mentioned, He Says

In a startling development in arguments before the Supreme Court yesterday, God appeared and asked to have his name removed from the pledge of allegiance.

"I'd really rather not be bothered," God said. "I'm very busy, and, while I try, in my infinite omniscience, to listen to every girl and boy in America, the pledge is really just a mindless recitation that muddies up the Holy airwaves with empty, patriotic static."

God cautioned that he had nothing against patriotism and that he very much enjoyed almost every rendition of the Star Stangled Banner.

"I'm not a heathen," he said.

Department of Homeland Security Not Secure, He Explains

Tom Ridge asked the White House to create a new cabinet-level position in response to his growing awareness that the Department of Homeland Security is not sufficiently secure.

"Many of the locks don't work," said Ridge at a press conference today. "Anybody can just walk in here. I had a donut and coffee on my desk that just disappeared."

Ridge called on President Bush to create a "Secretary of Homeland Security Security."

Ridge suggested surrounding the building with an 18-foot-high concrete fence to keep out intruders, and starting an inquiry to determine "who drew a mustache on my picture of President Bush."

"The first place to start with security is our own back yard," said Ridge. "And I could use some barb wire and an outdoor grill that you can put 30,000 volts through."

Dear Members of the 9/11 Commission,

It is with great regret that I write that, unlike every other invited government official, I will not be able to testify before you.

It's not because I won't talk about the Bush Administration's record on counterterrorism to anyone. I do talk about it -- to anyone at any time. I talked about it with Rush Limbaugh, with Larry King, I talked to the Washington Post, the New York Times, The Sacramento Bee, Mad Magazine. I even went on Meet the Press. Yesterday I cornered my postman and talked his ear off for an hour about that ruthlessly dishonest Richard Clarke. I talked to my cat Licks about terrorism for about three hours this morning.

No, it's not that I won't talk about the matters that the Commission is interested in questioning me about. It's because I can't. You see, I suffer in secret from a terrible malady: I have Swearing-Induced Investigatory Commission Immune Deficiency Syndrome. If I testify under oath before an investigatory committee on a matter of the utmost importance to our nation, my entire body will swell up until I burst, suffocate, and implode.

My terrible condition has only recently been diagnosed. It is amplified by the fact that I am allergic to Lying Like A Rug Under Oath Disorder, also known as Llaruod-itis. Although I am fully capable of misrepresenting and even fabricating out of whole cloth "facts" to the American people, I have an as-yet-intractable aversion to lying under oath to them. I am undergoing treatment for this condition, and I hope that someday I will be able to dissemble under oath in the future.

So you see, I cannot testify before this distinguished and most important Commission.

I have a note from a doctor.

"Dr." Condoleezza Rice
National Security Council
A Corner Office In The White House With Lots of Toys For The President To Play With When I'm Meeting With Him
Gaptooth, Wisconsin

Justice Antonin Scalia rejected demands that he recuse himself from a case involving Vice-President after the Vice President footed the bill for an expensive vacation that he and took together.

"If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined," Justice Scalia wrote in a 21-page memorandum bristling with defiance.

Today, in response to the memo, the Supreme Court unanimously (8-0) declared that the nation is in deeper trouble than Scalia imagines.

"Whenever you have to write 21-pages explaining why there's no appearance of impropriety, there's an appearance of impropriety," said a poorly disguised David Souter in a diner near the Courthouse.

Scalia emphasized in his memo that he "never hunted in the same blind with the vice president," although he did acknowledge occasionally "sharing the same buckshot," "telling the same jokes," and "sharing the same utterly arrogant, fascist view of our own power and authority."

Insurgents misunderstanding the meaning of the Americans' "March Madness" have been celebrating the month with explosions, exchanges of shoulder-launched grenades, and chaos. Insurgents were shocked to discover that "March Madness" referred to a popular basketball tournament.

"We thought we were going along with the moment," said stunned insurgent Ismed Pallavi, "We have been creating the March Mayhem, just like all other Americans."

Pallavi was absolutely amazed that "March Madness" meant that he was supposed to enter a betting pool and spend the next several weeks camped out in front of a TV.

"Do I still have time to put some money down on Gonzaga?" he asked.

Professor Irving Mayhew noted that this was just another example of how the gulf between cultural norms in radically different societies can lead to violence.

"The solution is to teach Moslems to love college basketball," he said.

Political pundits lodged all over the mediascape declared today that Kerry's "foreign leaders" statement -- that some foreign leaders had confided in Kerry that he wanted him to win the Presidential election -- will be the single-most important issue in the campaign.

The question for most voters will not be "where does Kerry stand on health care," or "what is his position on jobs or foreign policy," but "when did he say it," and "did he know, when he said it, what he was saying?"

President Bush called Kerry out recently, daring him to name one foreign leader that wanted Kerry to be elected, but Kerry declined, saying that "it would save considerable time if I just named the leaders that didn't."

In a recent poll conducted by Karl Rove, nine out of ten Americans feel that John Kerry's "foreign leaders" claim would be more important to them in choosing a candidate than the current President's abysmal handling of the economy, the war in , and Dick 's ties to Halliburton.

After a long period of brooding, Al Gore has decided to ask for a recount of the nine Justices' votes in the 2000 election, alleging that "improper vote counting techniques" had resulted in a wrong decision.

"It should have been 4-5, not 5-4. Sandra Day O'Connor assures me that she thought she was voting for me and not Mr. Bush when she wrote her concurring opinion," said Gore at a news conference today.

Justice Clarence Thomas, in a recent speech at Howard University, said that he thought that he had voted for Pat Buchanan.

Mr. Gore is presently collecting the Supreme Court ballots and intends to deliver them to the Palm Beach County Board of Elections for the recount.

Move Necessary To Secure Hispanic Vote, Says White House

President Bush, determined to lock up the all-important Hispanic vote in America, joined the Socialist Party today. "I want the people of Mexico to know that I sympathize with their terrible tragedy and that I'm there for them," said Bush.

"He meant to say Spain," said an advisor.

Bush is to fly immediately to Spain for a photo opportunity with Spain's new Prime Minister, Socialist Party leader Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.

"If we can't line up a pic with Zapatero, we're willing to fly Bush for a picture with anyone who looks like they might be Hispanic or, at least speaks Spanish," said a senior White House official. White House aides were said to be looking to arrange a picture of the President offering a giant plastic taco on a platter to Spanish troops in . There was some discussion of photoshopping it.

"The age of digital photo opportunities has arrived," said "el jefe Karl Rove del Valencia," as he will henceforth be known. "Look, if we can digitally correct the President's speeches for campaign ads, what's the problem with creating photos out of whole cloth? No es una problema, claro."

Alan Greenspan acknowledged recently that George W. Bush's almost fetishistic tax cuts could, indeed, make it impossible to fund Social Security, but said that it should not be a problem as long as senior citizens were given expiration dates upon which they were required to expire.

Expiration dates could be easily tattooed on the back of Americans' necks, Greenspan said. He also proposed that the expiration requirement contain a grandfather clause permitting the continued existence of extremely wealthy grandfathers.

Asked if rolling back the tax cuts was a more reasonable option than such drastic measures, Greenspan replied, "The tax cuts were absolutely necessary to allow Americans to live in a robust economy."

"For at least a little while," he added.

A recent initiative by Democrats to form a "shadow government" critical of the Bush Administration, on everything from foreign policy to domestic spending, violates natural and legislated laws against human cloning, say Republicans.

"This is spitting in the face of God, pure and simple," said House Majority leader Tom Delay. "It's an outrage."

Some have been urging the Democrats to create a "shadow government" -- in which a person or opposition party comments on what the people in power are doing and describes an alternate course -- but now the GOP says it is illegal.

"You see what happens when you let stem cell research go unchecked? This is precisely the kind of conduct we proscribed," said Delay. "Next thing you know, there will be two Bill Clintons."

The Democrats have created a "shadow White House" -- mostly from Legos -- a shadow cabinet, a shadow Capitol Building, and "what's the most fun," according to Terry Griebling of Menachem's List, "is the shadow Air Force One, which we're hoping we can get to fly." The shadow Air Force One is presently a large model of a plane that Democrats can put on their heads like a hat and run around with while saying "whoosh!" and "vrroom, vrooom!"

The shadow government has been formed by a coalition of some well-funded anti-Bush, pro-Democratic organizations, such as Move-On.org, Get-Out.net, and Go-Away.com.

In other news, Republicans revealed that they are against using "soft money" donations to benefit Democrats. "We're pretty much against most types of campaign finance reform, but we're very much in favor of strong restrictions on the financing of Democratic campaigns," said a spokesman for the RNC.

In a new article out this afternoon investigative journalist Murray Waas reports that in an FBI interview last October Karl Rove admitted that "he circulated and discussed damaging information regarding CIA operative Valerie Plame with others in the White House, outside political consultants, and journalists."

Rove also apparently mentioned "at least six other administration officials who were involved in the effort to discredit Wilson."

However, Rove insisted that he did this only after Plame's name appeared in Novak's column; and that he was not Novak's source.

Fans of Karl Rove were relieved to hear that Rove and six other White House officials only maimed and tortured Joseph Wilson's and Valerie Plame's reputations only after some "other, less moral" person illegally had leaked Plame's identity to Robert Novak.

"I'm so happy to know that Karl's motives and methods are still unimpeachable," said Lissa Crappollinio, President of the Roviators, a prominent Rove fan club.

"He's so dreamy," she sighed.

Rove and six other White House offiicials, acting under Rove's direction to "make Wilson wish he'd never been born," and to put Plame's career "so deep in the toilet it'll only surface in a Beijing outhouse" definitely "didn't make one slur" before Novak "signalled the start of the campaign," Rove told the FBI.

The FBI interview with Rove had a rocky start at first, according to FBI Special Agent Howard Abstruse. "He kept saying, 'Do you know who I am? Do you? Do you know who the f--- you're dealing with?' And we'd say, yes, that's why we came to the White House to talk to you. And then he'd just start all over again."

"Boy, we all can breathe easier now that we now that we know that he just took someone's else's plan to discredit Wilson by ruining his wife's life," said Crappollinio.

"What a man," she sighed.

Could Last Until Thursday, Some Say

In a watershed development in the history of , the interim constitution signed today by the Governing Council is reported to appear to be still signed as late as this afternoon, reports the Washington Post.

Moslem factions in the governing council were said to be quite happy with the document, which they said "makes a great dish towel," and "is suitable for flaming."

Some of the governing council had stronger feelings about the constitution. "This law, it suck," said council member Boswani Madbitten, "I spit on it while I sign it. I take law out to woodshed and beat it with stick, and then I sign it."

Bob Tonsil of the soon-to-be-formed American Embassy in , said, "We've made real progress. This piece of paper will easily wipe out the virulent ethnic and religious infighting that has fractured for the past century."

He was optimistic about reopening the Embassy soon. "I'm really looking forward to opening the embassy, living in a building, and eating food," he said.

Earlier Refusal Was Simply Ploy To Build Excitement, Says Sheik

Iraqi Shiites claimed that their refusal to sign the interim Iraqi constitution last week was just a "device to build dramatic tension," said representatives of Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani after today's signing.

"Wasn't that great? Wasn't that a cliffhanger with a magnificent surprise ending?" said Fouad Pajami, Professor of History of Mideastern Cinema at NorthWestern University. "They always intended to sign it, but isn't it more fun this way? They want to make sure that is the nation everyone loves to watch and they are succeeding."

"We've got some real twists and turns set up for the coming elections," said Butwad al'Futari, "Riots, some explosions -- but in the end everything will work out, and we will all hug. Kind of like an episode of Seventh Heaven."

Pajami indicated that al'Futari was largely correct, but said that he was probably thinking of the Iraqi hourlong family drama, "Seventh Circle of Heaven."

Precious Resources Diverted To Fight Against "Phantom Foe"

For the past 18 months, the hunt for al Qaeda and bin Laden was starved for resources that had been diverted to mounting a no-holds-barred offensive against a shadowy opponent that GOP members claimed "threatened the very security of the American nation."

That enemy was Senate Democrats, according to a report filed by the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms today.

According to the report, GOP aides diverted resources from the hunt for Osama to engage in unauthorized and possibly illegal spying on Senate Democrats in what they are now calling "a war of necessity."

Orrin Hatch assailed the practice, saying he was "shocked -- shocked" to hear of it -- and added that he "couldn't believe that William Bennett was gambling either."

Hatch and other Senate Republicans were pleased that, despite the unpleasantness, crucial resources diverted to the "secret war" have now been freed up, and "finally the U.S. can start hunting Osama 24/7."

"Concentrating all our resources on searching for bin Laden every hour of every day is a great idea," said White House spokesperson Squid Molineaux. "I wonder why we didn't think of it before?"

After George W. Bush called John Kerry on Tuesday night to congratulate him on apparently securing the Democratic nomination, President Bush called himself to "let me know how appreciative and impressed I am at my having locked up the GOP nomination."

"It seemed like the natural and right thing to do," said Bush, recounting the phone call to several captive aides the next day.

The first couple times Bush called he got a busy signal. "Apparently I was talking to someone else, " he said.

"When I did get through, we had a nice conversation. I was very warm and personable."

Bush explained his phone calls. "I did it because I'm engaged in politics. I follow it closely. I guess you could say I'm married to it."

"I sure hope it doesn't divorce me," Bush added. "I would hate to pay the alimony."

Today, Dick Cheney brushed aside speculation that he might consider replacing himself with someone else on Bush's re-election ticket.

"I've asked me to serve with Bush on the ticket again for the next four years," said Cheney in an interview with Fox News. "I told me I'm happy to do that and as long as I want me in that spot, I plan to serve," he said.

Cheney continued, "I don't know of anyone else who can pose as vice-president and totally run the country as well as I have, in accord with my wishes. I don't think anyone else could do as good a job running the country as I've dictated it should be run."

Asked whether Bush should make the decision as to who fills the Vice President's slot on the GOP ticket, Cheney said, "He already has. I told him what to decide last Tuesday."

President Bush, in the spirit of fully cooperating with the 9/11 commission, has agreed to permit them to ask him twenty questions in a closed session on a Sunday behind the old gnarled oak tree next to the Thomas Jefferson memorial in the dead of night under a new moon during the Year of the Ox.

"We're confident that this compromise is one which the commission will gladly accept," said Scott McClellan. The compromise was the result of "meeting halfway" between the unlimited numbers of questions under oath in an open session that the commission wanted and the President's initial offer of no questions whatsoever in a closed session with a representative of the President, a norwegian hedgehog named Bruce.

Thomas Kean, chairman of the commission, is to ask the first question of the President, namely, "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?". The last question is expected to be "Does it require specific knowledge to use it?"

"We're pretty sure it's either a verb, or a secret," said vice-chair Lee Hamilton.

"We need to know what went wrong on 9/11 in order to make sure we're doing everything we can to make this country secure," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The President feels that there is nothing more important than making this country secure -- except, perhaps, getting reelected."

Could Trip And Fall, Says Document

The White House recently became concerned about a Pentagon report warning of potential serious problems Bush could face as a result of a "footwear failure" that could "trigger a tragedy."

The report notes that Bush could fall and "skin his knee," causing him discomfort or "embarrassing the nation," and cautioned that a fall into a visiting Prime Minster or during a State visit could "ruin relations with foreign nations for years to come."

The White house has convened a commission to advise the President on the dangers of failing adequately to "secure his podiatric device" and possible remedies, such as "redundant reinforcement" -- double-knotting -- and expects a report as soon as July.

The White House has been so busy with the shoelace report, the general election campaign, and banning gay marriage, that it has not had time to look into a Pentagon report presaging a world disaster --including rioting, nuclear disaster, and apocalypse -- if global warming is not stopped, said Scott McClellan.

"Oh, we have plenty of time," said McClellan. "We have until 2020 before the world as we know it ceases to exist."

New Laws Good Until Fall of 2005, Says Rove

President Bush, having discovered the power of the "recess appointment" with his elevation of Judges Charles Pickering and William Pryor to higher courts, has invented the "recess bill," which he contends permits him to legally enact laws when Congress is not in session.

Bush said he felt the "recess bill" was a magnificent invention, and that he planned to pass several "recess amendments" to the Constitution banning gay marriage, giving more electoral votes to so-called "red states" and declaring that "just signing up for National Guard duty prior to 1990 constitutes military combat duty for purposes of a political election."

In the meantime, all GOP members of Congress have been denominated "High Priests of the Homeland" under President Bush's new "Religiosity" law passed yesterday.

"May the Lord and all wealthy corporations bless his little born-again soul," said Father Bill Frist (R- Tenn.).

Machinery Of Democracy Not Working Yet

J. Paul Bremer noted yesterday that technical difficulties could delay Iraq elections for up to 15 months.

"The machinery of democracy is in need of repair," he said. He explained that the U.S had over six thousand sprockets of equal rights on order and that "the government transparency module" was out of whack. Also, the United States appears to have been overcharged -- by contractor Halliburton -- for seven hundred thousand Free Speech widgets by $23 billion dollars.

"And there are a number of other technical problems delaying elections -- like the enormous number of religious Shiites who want to make this country into a fundamentalist Moslem theocracy," Bremer added.

Bleb Fusillade, a janitor for the Institute of Middle East Studies, commented, "We didn't bring the right tools, we had the wrong parts and we forgot to read the manual."

Democracy in Iraq took yet another giant step forward today as Iraqi Shiites moved to reshape the Sunni triangle into the "tiny Sunni hexagon," and asked that it be excluded from elections "because it has six tiny sides."

Iraqi Sunnis protested, noting that their knowledge of Euclidian geometry showed that the shiites were trying to reduce them from a three-dimensional area to a one-dimensional point.

"It is not fair," said Suad Mothammi, a prominent Sunni cleric and mathematician. "The Shiites want to limit the election to only those people who will vote for them. I thought that you could only get away with that in Florida."

J. Paul Bremer, the U.S. overseer with godlike powers of authority over in , said that he was satisfied that Democracy would "find its way" despite what he called "quibbling" over "little things like votes."

"There's more to democracy than voting," said Bremer. "There's governing -- by which I mean soliciting campaign contributions and keeping your donors happy."

Goal Was To Excite Republican Base

In a bid to make the budget more "campaign-friendly," the 2004 Budget the White released recently contained a nude pictorial on George W. Bush, including a gatefold and a section on "What I Hate" and "Things I Love."

While critics have dubbed the budget a "glorified campaign brochure," others have said that it was a desperate ploy to keep people from actually reading the budget.

"I think they just wanted folks to shudder with disgust and dump all twelve volumes in the garbage. That way no one would know they didn't even include Iraq and Afghanistan war expenditures in there, to start." said Floyd Plume, a reporter for the National Gasket.

Stalwart members of the GOP were also turned off by the pics, saying they would have preferred pictorials on luxury yachts and private jets.

In the future, the White House plans to accept advertisements for the budget, in order to defray the expense of spending increases.

"We want the budget to kind of be the Superbowl of print media," said an unidentified source. "We're hoping for, like, 10 pages from Budweiser alone."

Former college roommates of George W. Bush brandished allegations that Bush had engaged in "sexual relations" with the Jane Fonda video "Barbarella."

Bush allegedly spent a great deal of time with the video, called it "her," and made everyone leave the room when he was "on a date" with it. The roommates had agreed upon a code they used to signal when they needed the room to themselves, and whenever George was watching Barbarella, he hung his jockstrap on the front doorknob.

Bush reportedly slept with the Barbarella video under his pillow; he refused to let any of us roomies watch it, claiming that they were trying to steal "his girlfriend," said roommate Casparagus "Woofty" Kling III, heir to the Woofty Clothes Softener fortune.

"Now that I recall his relationship with "Hanoi Jane" Fonda, I question his ability to lead the troops," said Woofty. "Not to mention that he also hung out with that hooker in Klute."

A former intern who Matt Drudge claimed had had an affair with John Kerry called those allegations untrue, and released several photographs allegedly documenting an affair between John Kerry and Matt Drudge that had "gone on for years."

One photo shows Matt Drudge wearing his trademark goofy hat at a Washington fundrasier for desperate journalists; Kerry can be seen leaning over the hors d'oevres table seventy feet in the background. Kerry's hair appears to be munching on some skewered shrimp.

Another photograph shows John Kerry at a football game: a slightly out-of-focus Drudge is being tossed out of the press booth by legitimate sports reporters several rows up in the background.

"Obviously, these two were involved," said the intern.

The former Kerry intern, Blubba Iphagenia Fisk, intimated that news that rumors that Kerry and Drudge were once involved in a torrid affair was sending both Kerry and Drudge's spin factories into overtime preparing for what she called "a media onslaught."

The New York Times immediately published an article highlighting that insinuations entitled "Is it ethical to publish unsubstantiated assertions of bipartisan homosexual romping by Presidential candidate John Kerry?"

The White House is losing patience with America's preoccupation with President Bush's lies about his National Guard duty and records, said Scott McClellan.

"We tell far more important lies every day," leaked Press Secretary McClellan. "America should be concerned with what President Bush is saying today, not what he said yesterday."

Patty Flagellum, of the National Institute for the Study of Bush's Untruths, explained that the public is confused. "Allegations that the President lied about were relatively easy for Americans to understand," she said. "With the National Guard, it is hard to see where the lies are. Was President Bush lying about being AWOL in the National Guard, not being AWOL but lying about it anyway, or --regardless of the AWOL issue -- simply lying to Tim Russert when he promised to release the records?"

"There are so many possible lies, it's a staggeringly difficult job to sort them out. That's where we come in," said Flagellum, who maintains a staff of over three hundred who track, chart, graph, and organize the President's "lacks of truth."

"The National Guard issue is just one tiny flap. We have to cover all of the untruths spoken on every conceivable issue."

"This really would have been impossible before the invention of the computer," said Flagellum.

A former American Airlines pilot -- who lost his job after he asked all the Christians on a recent flight to raise their hands, told the other passengers to "discuss their faith" with them, and then called non-Christians crazy -- was hired today to pilot Airforce One. According to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "This guy sounds like our kind of people."

McClellan also explained that the President likes to get everyone on the plane raising their hands except Paul Wolfowitz, "who gets really pissed off."

"It's a hoot," said McClellan. "Everybody's waving their hands, and telling Wolfowitz, 'Come on, Paul, talk to us,' and Wolfowitz gets all red. It's really funny."

Attorney General John Ashcroft was said to be outraged when American Airlines took disciplinary action against the pilot. Ashcroft was poring over private records of women who had sought partial-birth abortions when he heard the news.

"God was that man's co-pilot," said Ashcroft. "The Holy Ghost was his in-flight navigator. His stewardess was Mary and his ground crew was probably Joseph. I can't tell you who refueled his plane, but I'll get back to you just as soon as I've replaced the Constitution with a copy of my personal bible."

Update: Lars Doornbos has illustrated this story. Go visit him here! You have to scroll down to the February 10 entry, no permalinks, sorry.

Cross-posted on the Daily News Online.

President Bush: There was no doubt in my mind that Saddam Hussein was a danger to America.
Tim Russert : In what way?
President Bush: Well, because he had the capacity to have a weapon, make a weapon. . . . But he had the capacity to make a weapon and then let that weapon fall into the hands of a shadowy terrorist network.

Bush alleged that Hussein may have been ready to connect to the infamous Acme corporation, and that "he could have purchased Acme Rocket Shoes and Acme Instant Exploding Birdseed from an African nation."

Bush also noted that he was concerned that, had he not invaded, Hussein might eventually have joined forces with the Riddler. "Riddle me this, Tim," Bush drawled. "When is a non-threat really a threat? When he can become a threat."

He also said that Saddam had massive quantities of hypothetical weapons that he could some day develop and manufacture. "These hypothetical wepaons were everywhere, but they hadn't been made yet, which is why the inspectors couldn't find them. It was a diabolically clever ruse. It would have succeeded except for the fact that I invaded and disarmed him."

"Give a Doctor Octopus a batch of hypothetical weapons, and I don't think he'd sit around not using them, Tim."

Tim Russert pressed Bush for answers. "But isn't Doctor Octopus an imaginary villain? A comic book chracter?"

Bush answered, "I would be careful not to denigrate the Guard. The National Guard is a fine institution, and many of our men serve with honor in it, here and in ."

In a moment that Dick called "a telephonic malfunction," aides to Dick revealed Valerie Plame's role as an undercover CIA officer to the whole country while entire families were watching episodes of "Survivor: White Trash Mountains of West Virginia" and "American Idol: The Golden Calf."

"It was disgusting," said Carlos Influenza of North Bend, Wyoming. "We were sitting down with our TV dinners for a wholesome evening of entertainment when, all of a sudden, the Administration flaunted this woman's non-official cover right in our faces. Little Timmy was shocked. We had to tell him all about covert operations years before he was ready for it."

The Bush Administration, which supposedly vetted the activities of the Vice-President's office, claimed that they had no knowledge of the incident before it occurred. "In rehearsals, neither 'Scooter' Libby nor John Hannah leaked in any way," said Scott McClellan.

A thorough examination of White House telephones is under way. It is said that the White House is considering forcing Libby and Hannah to attend Sunday's Grammy Awards as punishment for the debacle.

The Offices of the United States Senate were closed today when a vial of what appeared to be Botox turned up in package found in the office of Sen. Earl Hollings.

Capitol employees were shaken by the discovery, which sent Senators and myriad aides scurrying home with clipboards held up to conceal their foreheads.

Representative Tom Delay declared this "the most ominous act of domestic terrorism" he had seen in a long time. There was not a wrinkle to be seen in Mr. Delay's face.

This marks the third time the Capitol has been closed in recent weeks. "First the nip and tuck scandal, then the silicon scare, and now this," said the ever-youthful Sen. John Breaux. "It's chilling."

Rumors were circulating that a search of the Senate Office building after the Botox discovery turned up countless bottles of Grecian Formula 2000 and black hair dye.

"Actually, I'm glad that the offices are closed," said Majority Leader Bill Frist. "It keeps discretionary spending down."

Headline and inspiration by Kevin Hayden of The American Street, where this story is cross-posted.

Rove In Denial

Sen. Joseph Lieberman, after dropping out of the race for the Democratic nomination, announced that he was vying for the Republicans'. Lieberman has every expectation that he will tie up the "moderate Republican" vote and carry the party.

"George W. Bush ran as a moderate and turned out to be a fanatical rightwing conservative. I will run as moderate Republican and be a conservative right-wing Democrat. I expect to win the nomination handily," said a suave, confident Lieberman this morning.

Karl Rove was said to be confident that the power of a few wealthy extreme right-wing conservatives was greater than that of the numerous middle-class moderate Republicans.

"When has a populist Republican candidate ever won?" asked Rove.

Lieberman said that Rove was right, but this wouldn't stop him. "Yes, the populist Republican candidate who ran in 2000 lost the general election.

"But he became President anyway."

Why are we talking about Ricin?

In today's more secure American environment, everyone needs to know about Ricin.

Why are we talking about Ricin now? We captured Saddam and the world is safer than it was before.

Listen, we'd be talking about Ricin a lot more if Saddam hadn't been captured.

What ever happened to those Anthrax mailers?

We're talking about Ricin here.

We never caught the people who did it, did we?

This is about Ricin! Forget about the anthrax.

How is the country safer if some guy who mailed Anthrax all over the United States is still at large?

We're talking about Ricin, damn it! Ricin! An amount the size of a grain of salt can kill you!

I thought you said we were worried about dirty bombs.

Today, we're worried about Ricin.

How come we're not doing anything about Pakistan? I heard they actually passed nuclear secrets to some of the "Axis of Evil."

Ricin could be anywhere. You can make it at home, easily and inexpensively.

And isn't bin Laden hiding in South Pakistan? How come the Pakistani government won't let us in there? Isn't our national security at stake? What are we really doing to stop terrorism?

Here. Have some Ricin.

I don't feel any safer.

Awards ceremonies positively took over Opinions You Should Have for the third day in a row, as Tony Blair and George Bush were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Other nominations included Saddam Hussein, for "Most Benevolent Dictator," Dick for "Handsomest American," and former Alabama Chief Judge Roy Moore for "Champion of the Separation between Church and State."

The Nobel prize institution, which has been criticized in recent years for being "overly political" and "just silly," took pains to emphasize that the nominations this year reflected a "new seriousness," rather "a complete surrender to the absence of judgment and thought in selecting nominees," as some have said.

"George Bush brilliantly used the military to force peace upon the war-loving is," said Pietra Sjordihorgi, a Swiss philanthropist who tortures small animals to stop animal abuse.

Silica Myoderovich, a Russian scientist who boils old sneakers in order to ameliorate foul smells, commented, "Pre-preemptive war -- involving the use of military force to prevent the contemplation of activities seeking to start programs that might be focused on the development of possible weapons that could be used to start hypothetical wars -- is a brilliant idea."

"It is deserving of some form of pre-recognition," he said, turning on the Superbowl.

The long-awaited "Capture of Osama bin Laden" is in preproduction for a fall release, says an excited U.S. military. The film is expected to do "boffo business" at polling places all over America.

"We've already filmed some of the essential 'weapons and money found in Osama's hiding place' shots, and location scouts are narrowing in on a site for principal photography," said General Clive O'Selznick O'Hara, of the U.S. Army's 4th Cinematography Division.

"I have some brilliant ideas for shooting 'Osama," brilliant," said Col. David Stokes. "I can't say what exactly, but it's going to make the most spectacular use of flashbacks."

Special effects experts are busy planning shots of George W. Bush presenting Bin Laden, trussed like a turkey, on a platter to the American people.

"Bush will have a halo from a tightly focused ellipsoidal spot with slightly-shuttered barn doors and maybe an orange gel that we're strategically placing in the distance behind his head, or we can add it in post," said Cheryl Coccaphoon of the 2d Light Engineer's Batallion.

The Army is to apply for shooting permits in the "No Man's Land" in the south of Pakistan, but have been unable to determine yet who precisely has jurisdiction over the area.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

At the suggestion of Karl Rove, Republicans are trying to get the unnamed Democratic candidate back into the race for President. Polls indicate that President Bush could have an edge over an unnamed Democratic opponent of 51 to 41.

"That's either percentage points or numbers of justices on a greatly expanded Supreme Court," explained pollster Jilly Ferprume.

Polls now indicate that the President may not do as well against a named Democratic opponent, such as John Kerry.

"We're trying very hard to get the unnamed candidate back into the race, but he has been reluctant," said Sam Guffren, a Republican advisor who wished to be quoted anonymously.

"He's short on funds, and he's been able to get this far on sheer name recognition alone," said Guffren, "but that's changing."

Only Decision Remaining Is Which One Will Be President

Democrats were relieved to finally settle on a Democratic Dream Team Ticket consisting of Wesley Clark, John Edwards, John Kerry, and Howard Dean, even though neither the candidates nor the voters can decide exactly who should run for what.

"I want John Edwards, with John Kerry as Veep, Wesley Clark as Secretary of State, Howard Dean as the secret White House senior aid helping set domestic policy, and mustard and ketchup on the side," said Molly Hickok of Michafluen, Idaho.

"I totally agree," said Harmon Strum of Kentucky. "Except I want Kerry as President and some fries."

"It's so hard to decide," said Sally Weckleman of Ohio. "Everything looks so good."

"It''s good that Iowa and New Hampshire helped winnow the field from Howard Dean to Dean, Kerry, Edwards, and Clark," said Hugo Glockenspiel, an expatriated American living in Austin, Texas.

Glockenspiel hoped that the Democrats would finalize the ticket on February 3rd's "Super Tuesday," with its five primaries and two caucuses in seven states.

"I just hope that that won't narrow the field to the original nine," said Glockenspiel.

Today, the White House garnered a host of nominations in a crowded field for this year's Academy Awards, stunning director Peter Jackson and actors Tobe Maguire and Uma Thurman.

George W. Bush was named for Best Actor, "for his depiction of an utterly carefree man blissfully leading the nation into war."

Karl Rove was named in the Best Director category for his "stunning manipulation of a difficult medium," and Dick was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for his "scripting of scenario after scenario based on a work of fiction."

Bush was praised for his "convincing portrait of someone actually leading the country" and appearing "almost lifelike" by Sigourney Weaver, who announced the nominations this morning.

"Donald Rumsfeld was not a surprise," said Sid Fleckman of Variety. "The war was stunning. It may not have shocked and awed the is, but it certainly wowed us back home!"

Fleckman especially praised the nine-hour long POV shots from tanks driving at breakneck pace through hundreds of miles of desert.

The White House also garnered nominations for Best Cinematography for its depiction of Bush casually surprising a bunch of handpicked soldiers while holding a fake turkey.

"Now that's Hollywood," said Fleckman.

Dear Antonin,

I and the "boys" would like to thank you for another wonderful time shooting "them thar ducks." You're right -- we should put them in a barrel next time.

I heard that Sandra Day was saying I'm a lousy shot. So I miss a few now and then. Just because I call the shots at the White House doesn't mean I can do the same thing with a shotgun! Har-har.

I hear they've just invented an amphibious monster RV at prices that start at a mere 850 grand. Next year we should get one of those babies and take it on the lake. That thing -- it's got gold and marble in every inch of it and -- gets about a quarter of a mile to a gallon. I love it. I'm going to have the Pentagon buy ten thousand of them, and offer tax breaks to anyone who picks one up.

Listen, I know you've been taking some heat about sitting in on my upcoming case. You better rule for me, or I'll leak that your wife is a CIA spy! (Just kidding.)

I don't want you to favor me just because we're hunting friends. Or because I hired your son as Acting Solicitor of Labor. Or because I get you tickets to stuff. Or because I take you to fancy dinners. Or because my oil runs your car.

I don't want you to favor me. (If anyone asks, you can tell them I said that.) I am not in the pocket of energy companies. They're in mine! Hyuck. (Don't tell them I said that!)

Antonin. What the hell kind of a name is that? Maybe I should call you Ant. "Hey, Ant, why don't you crawl over to the cooler and bring me over a beer!"

Keep your antennae out and keep your tiny head down. (Hey, you know I luv ya, ya big galoot!)

The "Dick" (Cheney)

Spending Will Halve Deficit, Says Prez

President Bush today fired the opening salvo in his reelection campaign in Ohio, announcing that he plans to pour a half billion dollars in credit card cash advances into "Lack of Job Training for the 21st Century."

The money is to be spent helping people adapt to the needs of emerging industries in the George W. Bush domestic economy. Under the program, training for everyone from young college students to retirees will be available in the growing fields of bankruptcy, unemployment counseling, and building homeless shelters. There will also be training for Repo Men.

"I'm very excited to be able to reach out to the people of Ohio and give them this helping hand. That's what our tiny Federal government was meant to do."

JOHN: We're back with more of our liberally biased and objective coverage of the President's State of the Union. Bob?

JOHN: Yes. Now: let's hear from a conservative voice.

Explains A Lot

Today, the Rat Pack's Peter Lawford revealed that the woman calling herself Judith Steinberg Dean, the wife of Democratic contender Howard Dean, is actually Dean Martin. He claimed that Martin had not died, but instead had a secret "sexual identity transplant" years ago, and that he had "found a new life.'

"You can understand why they've been hesitant to let her go on the campaign trail," said Brandon Lawford, a nephew who speaks for the dead Peter Lawford.

Lawford noted that Howard Dean was unaware of Judith Dean's terrible secret until a year ago, when Judith's impromptu performance of "Everybody Loves Somebody" at a small cocktail party sent a shock of recognition through the room that ended with a stunned silence. It was an unsettling revelation for the ambitious Governor of Vermont.

"Now you know why Howard Dean's so angry," said Lawford.

Lawford said that although it has been difficult for the couple, they have managed to accept things as they are and make some kind of peace with each other.

Sometimes Howard and the rest of the Dean family gather together to watch as Judith dangles a cigarette from her lips, takes a sip of a martini and sings, "That's Amore."

Mars Considering Preemptive Attack; Rover Held Hostage

President Bush announced yesterday that he was putting into effect plans to invade Mars "as soon as possible in order to free the 'bound water' we've been hearing so much about."

"This bound water -- held hostage to a forbidding environment, unable to enjoy any of the freedoms or liberties we have here in America -- needs to be . . . unbound," said Bush. He proposed a costly program to establish a way station on the Moon and space troop transports. President Bush has reportedly watched "Starship Troopers" twelve times in the past week and a half.

Critics noted that the President's motives did not ring true, particularly in light of Dick 's remarks last week that "we have every reason to beleive that Mars is tied to al Queda. For one thing, look at Mars. Looks just like Afghanistan." Condoleeza Rice has also been heard speculating that Hussein had moved his WMD's to Mars "in a last ditch effort to bamboozle the United States."

Dr. Erich von Whiffleheim agreed that President Bush's proffered reason for the Mars invasion rang false. "This is water 'bound' in ze porous rock of Mars. It doesn't need to be freed. It is quite indifferent to its zituation." Dr. Whiffleheim is a psychiatrist.

Mars did not take President Bush's declaration well, insisting that "inspections by the craft you have named after your leader's senior advisor" -- the rover -- "have been working. We fail to understand why the U.S. disregards diplomacy in its mad rush to war. That is all. Beep." The rover is now transmitting only its name, serial code, and copyright, and is believed to be in custody.

The White House is planning to spend $1.5 billion to promote the institution of marriage. It is starting by encouraging Neil Bush and Britney Spears to act as "marital role models" and marry each other.

The marriage of Britney Spears and Neil Bush is to kick off the epic celebration of the sacred institution, and to demonstrate "just how special marriage is," according to Gladys Halfwit of the U.S. Commission on Marriages Sanctioned By The Conservative Base.

After the ceremony, Britney will perform "Oops, I Did It Again," and the couple will then honeymoon in Thailand, "a favorite of Neil's," said Halfwit.

Britney, who is a republican, said through a spokesperson, "Marry Neil Bush? I mean, ewww. How gross is that? But it's my duty to the country."

Neil Bush again noted that he lives an absolutely charmed life.

"The real question," leaked Dick , "is whether $1.5 billion is enough, given the current deficit, to spend on marriage. Hell, I know lots of guys who spent way more than that getting divorces."

Responding to the demands of powerful Shiite leader Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani to get rid of caucuses as a method of selecting members of an interim i government, the United States has swiftly revised its initial plan and replaced the caucuses with caucasians.

The revised plan came about after senior advisors met with President Bush about the Ayatollah's concerns and discussed the planned caucuses.

"I had no idea there were so many caucasians in ," said Bush. "Do they have black people there too?"

Despite attempts to explain to President Bush that the staff wanted to replace the caucuses with caucuses -- albeit "more transparent" caucuses than originally planned, whatever that means -- President Bush insisted that they tell the Ayatollah that "there's nothing wrong with caucasians choosing an interim government in ."

The new plan is for a bunch of U.S. government supplied white people to choose the i interim government.

"It's very similar to the old plan, but it's more transparent," said Brent Doogledorf, a White House press spokesperson.

Strings to Be Adjusted Wednesday

President Bush responded today to charges by Former Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill that Bush was disengaged and seemed to be doing the bidding of other senior White House advisors. President Bush, sitting on the knee of Karl Rove, fiercely denied being a "puppet" or a "dummy" controlled by others. Rove's lips were barely moving when Bush spoke to the press today.

"I'm simply not a puppet," said Bush, while Karl Rove attempted to drink a glass of water, but ended up spilling it down his shirt. "I'm my own man."

The White House announced today that President Bush would have his strings adjusted at a hospital on Wednesday, and that the treatment was simply routine.

"Sometimes the President's mouth gets stuck," said Dick Cheney. "You'll have your hand up his back and pull the string and something weird comes out of his mouth. That just pisses me off."

Dick Cheney, who ordered that the U.S. attack as early as January, 2001, and Karl Rove, who dictated the tax cuts, complained that "sometimes the President doesn't respond to his controls as well as we would like."

Floyd Raisenette, an "imagineer" for the Disney Corporation, is to have a look at Bush later this week to see if Bush can be fitted with sophisticated audioanimatronics, the robotics devices Disney uses to, among other things, animate the presidents in "The Hall of Presidents" at DisneyWorld.

"I know we already have one," said Floyd. "But it pretty much just grins and nods. If it's going to say 'Everything's absolutely perfect,' all the time, it's going to have to refitted."

President Bush showed little interest in policy discussions in his first two years in the White House, leading Cabinet meetings "like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people," former Treasury secretary Paul H. O'Neill says in an upcoming book on the Bush White House.

Sinners Can Opt-Out, But Will End Up In Hell, Bush Says

Gov. Jeb Bush told nearly 800 prisoners Wednesday that religion can help lead them to a better life as he dedicated the nation's first faith-based prison -- an institution officials hope will lead to fewer repeat offenders.

Gospel choirs and religious statuary have been added to post offices throughout the state. Inside, the offices have the standard service windows for registered and unregistered mail, packages, and express mail, and a new window for confessions.

At a dedication ceremony today, postal workers were met with cries of "Sort it!" and "Send that letter!" as a choir sang "I Write The Words," a gospel rendition of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs."

Governor Bush says he cannot promise that letters to God will be met with answers. "Despite my enhanced relationship with the Lord I cannot promise that. But it can happen. Just rememember to include a SASE."

Just as the Pentagon recently issued a "stop order" prohibiting soldiers from leaving the Army when their commitments expire, Karl Rove enacted a Presidential "stop order" requring all swing voters to continue to vote Republican until the end of 2004.

The order doesn't just restrict the conduct of individual voters, but forces Ohio, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee, Nevada and eleven other states to give their electoral votes to the Republican presidential candidate in the November election.

The order also requires that the Supreme Court vote to reinstate Bush if it "comes down to that."

The White House responded to criticisms that the order makes a mockery of democracy. "Not at all," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "Just as with the military order, extreme measures are justified by extreme times. In the interest of national security, the President has ordered that he be reelected. There's nothing untoward about that."

Tom Daschle made one of his strongest announcements to date, again demonstrating why the Democrats depend upon him to lead the party. "This order needs to be looked at," said Daschle. "We're going to look at it and get back to you. So there."

A poll of Americans revealed that over 56% of the American public were untroubled by the order. "If that's what the President says we need to do, then I guess we should do it," said Sylvia Blipner, a housewife with three doctorates from Yale. "I mean, he's the President."

Ms. Blipner went out of her way to mention, however, that she was immensely troubled that Kelly Clarkson had been "screwed out of her rightful place as World Idol."

"I mean, that's a crime."

President Bush's chief of staff dismissed as "a moot point" any lingering question about whether Bush relied on faulty intelligence to justify the invasion of .

Please accept the following advice on which to base your intercourse with the gentlemen in the press gallery. It is my observation that the stories to which that brood assign great importance are, in fact, of little consequence to the course of this great Nation. This is especially true when you accept that everything we do is right. It will be mutually beneficial to the members of the press and this institution to convince the People that this is the case. I therefore forward to you my recommendations for addressing inquiries about these matters.

1. The War With Iraq

Moot. It is, of course, not of the least moment the substance of the communications between the American President and the People over whom he presides, in urging them to accept that most consequential of decisions -- the decision to go to war. When the President himself is confident that, whatever the reason, war is necessary, that is the end of the inquiry. This is especially true where, as here, the war has satisfactorily been concluded and some matter of substance has been gained, even if the initial momentum toward war be founded upon a flagrant misunderstanding of the situation.

Please continue to avoid any discussion of our efforts to diminish the accumulating costs of caring for and transporting our wounded and dead.

2. The Incident Concerning Madame Plame

Moot. I merely reiterate our longstanding position: Madame Plame's reputation for the transaction of surreptitious activities was the subject of many a Washington conversation and her identity altogether less than clandestine; she was not an Agent, but was merely an Analyst; and Robert Novak is not really a writer, in even the broadest definition afforded the title.

We are confident that none of the highest-ranking members of our institution can be connected to the scandal, and we may continue to deny involvement without fear of rapprochemént.

3. The Reduction of Tax Levies Upon The Affluent

Moot. The alleviation of governmental pressure upon the monied classes is beneficial to the economic health of the Nation, and will prove so once the money trickles onto the heads of the fortunate subjects remaining below.

The measure of stock market value is again inclining upward, the purses of the privileged are bulging, and the lending of money is at a most felicitous apex. No more need be said.

4. The Lack Of Gainful Employment For The Lower And Middle Classes

The constant harping upon the temporary loss of remuneration among those of the less fortunate classes is thankfully easing now. The recurrent lowering of the rate of the primary interest to virtually nothing has finally introduced into the national economy some life-giving warmth, not unlike the body of one forced to imbibe a draft of holiday cheer in order to chase away the pallor of neglect. In our circumstance, we have poured enough sherry into the body to wash it away, but it has finally brought some vigor to the near corpse that is the economy. We may thus claim victory and ensure the public that a return to full employment is near; we can only hope that we can maintain our present course until after the election.

More to the point, surely these people have something to do with their now-copious free time.

5.The Election Of The Austrian Strongman

We must maintain a relationship with Mr. Schwarzenegger of sufficient character that we may take credit for his successes and maintain distance from his failures. In this way we have some hope of carrying the state, however imbalanced it may be, in November.

6. The Possibility Of Gaps In Our Control Of Domestic Terrorism

With respect to the discovery of implements of cataclysmic impact at home, it is best that we not speak of this at all. It is my hope that our inattention to these matters does not receive unfavorable attention due to the occurrence of an untoward incident. As you know, it would be difficult to pursue those objectives we adjudge favorable to the course of the Nation were we to focus upon such. We must make sacrifices in order to ensure our occupation of the White House and secure our ability to work toward the Greater Good.

With Great Sincerity, I Remain
Yours, etc., etc.,

Chancellor Karl Rove

John Ashcroft leaked today that he would recuse himself three months after he began the investigation of his closest friends and advisors, because "it would be difficult to damage the investigation further at this time."

Ashcroft was particularly happy that he'd been able to delay the request of important White House documents until he had given the White House an opportunity to destroy them.

The investigation was handed over to the completely impartial presently sitting U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald, who was appointed as U.S. Attorney by Ashcroft himself, and who depends on the favor of the White House to keep that position.

"I've been told to say that my impartiality cannot be questioned," said Fitzgerald.

"I promise this investigation won't fizzle out, and that just because we end up indicting some low grade staffer, that will absolutely not mean that we failed to push this investigation toward a high level White House official who pays the salary of the man who pays my salary."

Democrats praised Ashcroft for waiting only three months to recuse himself. "Now we can be assured that justice will be done!" cried Sen. Chuck Schumer. "I am thoroughly satisfied, and it doesn't bother me in the least that Mr. Ashcroft read each and every memo on the investigation for the past three months, often redrafting them. God bless America. Excuse me, I have to go vote for a bloated GOP-written bill that's totally against the interest of my party."

The FBI has warned police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.

"All Points Bulletin," Special Agent Floyd Netty radioed. "Be on the lookout for an olive-skinned man carrying an almanac and favoring his left leg. That is all."

"Almanacs were the key to our greatest arrests," explained Netty. "Bonnie and Clyde carried a big old almanac; Dillinger had one on his pocket watch chain; Capone had a stooge with an almanac with him at all times. Follow the almanacs, you find the criminals," he said.

The FBI has also asked citizens to look out for olive-skinned individuals with strange accents asking for directions to "the nearest large gathering of peoples who are wanting to be infected" and "are you knowing the way to many softest targets in the area."

But modern criminals disagreed with the FBI's approach. "I never carry an almanac no more," said Mohammed al Ackbar, a terrorist in a sleeper cell in Detroit. "I have a GPS in my palm pilot that has a complete readout of nuclear power plants in the entire ecountry. Very handy."

Mr. Ackbar said that it was not inconceivable that terrorists would carry almanacs, however. "I am finding the almanac very fascinating," he said. "Are you knowing that the walleye is the official fish of South Dakota?"

Today, President Bush declared that an infected cow afflicted with mad cow disease had been only "mildly neurotic," and urged calm.

"Everything's just fine, the way it always has been, the way it always will be," said Bush. "This is going to be a great year for America, and a slightly imbalanced cow isn't going to ruin that one little bit."

"I'm still eating plenty of beef," he added. "I think everyone will agree that I'm not insane yet." The President chopped the air for emphasis about 60 times, and then laughed for five or ten minutes without stopping.

Bush called the press conference to rebut allegations that his administration -- which some say projects an air of complete certainty about the future and the results of its actions or inactions -- failed adequately to prepare for or safeguard against the spectre of mad cow disease and the economic consequences of the outbreak.

"That cow wasn't paranoid," said Bush. "We were out to get it," and laughed again.

"Beef," said the President, closing out the press conference. "The other red meat."

Should Have Detained Passengers A Year Or Two, Says Ashcroft

On Thursday, French officials said they had released all the passengers, including one French citizen, one American, one German and several Algerians. "There was absolutely nothing there," said a spokesman for the French Interior Ministry.

"This is not the way we deal with terrorists in the United States," said Ashcroft. "If you're serious, you detain everybody for at least a year."

Andy Card agreed. "The French had no reason to believe that any of those passengers was not connected to terrorism, but still they just let them march right out of custody and back to their lives and families. Pathetic."

"I guess it must be a froggy thing," said Ashcroft.

At first officials suspected that those who showed up to board the flight could be terrorists, but they now suspect that those who did not show up to take the flight could be terrorists.

Every year, I try to gussy up the place here to reflect the holiday spirit, get some fancy java-run animated reindeer and so on, and every year, instead of adding some decent graphics, I ask you to simply close and open your eyes rapidly and imagine twinkling red and green lights. Isn't that pretty?

Christmas is the day the crew at OYSH open up our presents: the letters and packages in the holiday mailbag! We've tried to answer your most vexing questions.

If Santa knows whether you've been naughty or nice, how is he different than John Ashcroft?

Santa never lost an election to a dead man. Santa likes statues of naked chicks. Santa is a snappier dresser. Santa doesn't write crappy songs. I could go on all day.

If you're so smart, how come you're not President?

I don't know. I wasn't elected either. It hardly seems fair. I say all those who weren't elected President should take turns running the country. I call the Lincoln bedroom.

Is Wolfowitz an elf?

Yes, but a very angry elf.

Is a Christmas card that says "Peace on Earth" unpatriotic?

If you have to ask, you're this close to being indicted.

New York Governor Geroge Pataki today granted Lenny Bruce a posthumous pardon for cursing in public, prompting Kerry's campaign to announce that they would seek a pardon as well, as soon as the campaign was officially pronounced dead. (Kerry was recently assailed by Republicans for cursing in a Rolling Stone magazine interview .)

"We don't think we can seek posthumous relief for several weeks yet," said Kylie Fatigas, a Kerry campaign staffer.

Experts say the campaign still has a weak pulse and exhibits shallow breathing, although everyone agrees that brainwave activity stopped "a good while back."

"High-ish" Risk Present, Says Ridge

The Homeland Security Department raised the threat level to "orange-er" Sunday, noting the the risk level was "higher-ish" than it had been when the threat level was last raised to orange.

"The risk may be greater than at any time since September 11," said Ridge, noting that the level of terrorist chatter had reached the threshold that intelligence officials called "loud cocktail party blather."

"We 're encouraged, however, that the chatter hasn't yet reached the level of 'boisterously drunken boasting' -- 'B.D.B.'" said CIA official Matt Whelk.

The last time that the threat level was raised to orange, Ridge said that a terrorist attack was "almost certain." The threat level is higher this time because a terrorist attack is "almost more certainer," said Ridge.

"If that's the case, Secretary Ridge," said reporter Anthea Flisk, "How come the level hasn't been raised to Code Red, or Severe?"

"We can't do that," said Ridge. "Going to red means we have to put Vice-President in a sealed capsule the size of a muffin."

Nader A Clear Threat To The Security Of The Nation, Candidates Say

In a rare show of cooperation between members of the same political party, candidates Wesley Clark and Howard Dean declared Ralph Nader to be an "enemy combatant" today. Forces said to under the control of retired General Wesley Clark moved swiftly to make a "citizen's arrest" and spirited Nader away to an undisclosed location.

"If Nader is allowed to run for President again, the whole nation will suffer," said Clark.

"I supported this action not just because of Nader's potential candidacy, but also because of Nader himself," Dean agreed. "I'm surprised nobody's thought of doing this before."

Nader has not been provided access to an attorney "because he is one," said Howard Dean.

Strangely, no one, not even the Republican Party or Nader's supporters, protested the abduction and seclusion of Nader.

"The guy's a freaking menace to society," Dick Cheney said while warming his hands in the pockets of a very large oil company.

John Ashcroft applauded the action, noting that, as far as he's concerned, detention of an American citizen by another American citizen "is entirely lawful."

"Listen" said a former Nader supporter. "What difference does it make? All those enemy combatants are exactly alike."

Enough Toxin In Tonsils To Infect Many Other Tonsils, Experts Say

Doctors who had examined Saddam Hussein over 647 times in the 24 hours following his arrest say they have found all of the missing WMD on Saddam Hussein's person.

"Now we know why his beard was so big and bushy," said one doctor.

Saddam's throat contained two fake tonsils that contained deadly biochemical toxins. "There was enough toxin in one of those fake tonsils to infect all of the tonsils in several major American cities," said Claire Daloon, of the Mississippi BioTech Center.

"People thought we were spending an inordinate amount of time inspecting Saddam, but it all paid off," said General Major Kirk Binomial of the 3rd Expeditionary Force.

Saddam's enormous bushy beard contained several mobile bioweapons labs, twelve Scud missiles, some African yellowcake enclosed in a lead capsule, and a dachshund named Mordecai, who had disappeared in early March.

"Not only is America a lot safer now," Binomial said, "but Mordecai and his owner have been happily reunited."

President Bush declared the discovery of the WMDs "exactly what he had expected all long."

"That's the problem with missing WMDs," scoffed Bush. "They're always in the last place you look for them."

Found While Posing For Sculpture Of Man In Deep Hole

The model who was the basis for the famous Baghdad "Toppled Statue" was located today in what authorities call a "hole."

"It's really great," said Paul Bremer. "I'm pretty sure we'll have democracy inside of a week now."

Iraqis greeted the news with jubilation, and announced that they would now "get rid of all these warring tribes and factions," convert to Christianity, and form a stable democracy tomorrow.

"I'm really impressed," said Jorge Ipliano, a U.S. expert and consultant on terrorism. "It's amazing how quickly we can subdue and capture a castrated dictator."

The U.S. expects the entire Middle East region to stabilize by week's end, and terrorism to disappear from the planet as late as Thursday.

Bush, Again, Smacks Countries On Nose With Rolled-Up Newspaper

President Bush was dealt a setback today in his efforts to train France and other countries to roll over when France and several other nations took large dumps on the rug.

"Gol' durn it," said Bush. He locked all the offending countries in the basement without supper.

"I don't understand," said a perplexed Bush as he fed small treats to the extremely cute nation Birkina Faso, which was curled up at his feet.

"I can't figure out why it's so hard to get these nations to do a few tricks," he said.

James Baker has been brought in to try and bring errant nations to heel.

"Sit!" Baker told Russia, but the only result of his command was that Andy Card quickly threw himself into a chair.

President Bush has countless hoops set up in the back yard for other countries to jump through.

"Some of them countries will go through every single one," he mused. "Some of them -- well, I guess we just haven't broken them yet."

Al Gore is set to claim today that he invented Howard Dean, according to GOP stalwarts.

"That guy's just a wacko who takes credit for everything," said Tod Wanksmen, aide to RNC chief Marc Racicot.

Soon-to-be-former Democratic candidates reacted to the announcement.

"If Al Gore wants to say he invented Dean, I have to respect his sorry, lying ass," said Sen. Joseph Lieberman. "I promised not to badmouth Al, and I will respect that, and I have respected that, and I will continue to run the same fine campaign that I--" whereupon Lieberman stopped, having droned himself into a deep coma.

John Kerry, through a spokesman, said, "Al Gore can go fuck himself."

Richard Gephardt had this to say: "Richard Gephardt was standing right next to Al Gore when he invented Howard Dean, and together we forged Howard Dean, and I remember telling Al Gore, you better invent Howard Dean, and I'm glad that Al Gore listened to me when I gave him that sage advice."

General Wesley Clark was too busy campaigning to comment. Dennis Kucinich, Carol Mosely Braun were too busy pretending to campaign.

Al Sharpton said, "I'll tell you this. Al Gore didn't invent Al Sharpton! That's something you can't cook up in a lab. I'll let you in on a litttle secret. I invented Al Gore."

The White House today asked for an apology from Sen. John Kerry for telling Rolling Stone magazine that Bush had "f--ed up" .

"He should shut the fuck up," said Andy Card, White House Chief of Staff. "He should fucking shut up already."

Dick Cheney said, "That man is a fucking embarrassment to the national political intercourse."

Kerry was last said to be mulling over telling White House staffers to go fuck themselves.

It was a refreshing moment for Kerry, who has gotten little positive press during his campaign for the presidency before this. Campaign staffer Diane Freckler said, "We're going to savor each last fucking moment."

President Bush recently outlined a wish list of lofty goals to pursue over the next several years, mentioning sending more men to the moon, promoting longevity, ending child hunger, or even stopping global warming and providing actual security in the homeland.

"We are thinking about providing real funding to the Homeland Security Department," leaked Dick Cheney, "with the goal of actually making the nation secure. Or maybe we could establish a permanent outpost on the moon instead."

"You have to admit the moon outpost option is a lot sexier," leaked Karl Rove.

Nine out of ten Democrats said that sending a man to the moon was an excellent goal, as long as that man was George W. Bush. "We don't have much money to spend on big goals," said Democrat Kirsti Summers, who was taking up a collection, "but sending Bush to the moon could end up saving us trillions."

Howard Dean, who has been under fire for keeping records of his governorship under seal, has backed away from his earlier statements that he would review the records with a mind toward making them public. Instead, Dean plans to move his records to the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library in Texas, "so that they can remain sealed forever," said Dean.

Dean's papers will be placed next to the records of George W. Bush's Texas governorship.

"If it's good enough for President Bush, it's good enough for me," said Dean. "The more I thought about it, a ten-year seal just doesn't seem like long enough.'

Howard Dean's papers will thus join, in spirit if not in location, the records of Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, all of which have been squirreled away to protect them from the prying eyes of the public.

"Secrecy may be the enemy of a democracy," said Sue Polliwog, a prominent GOP pollster, "but it is a great friend of the politician."

Manipulate Blogosphere Ecosystem To Make a Point

Not only is the country's leading touch-screen voting system so badly designed that votes can be easily changed, but its manufacturer is run by a die-hard GOP donor who vowed to deliver his state for Bush next year.

The so-called "League of Liberals" hacked into the Diebold software underlying the Ecosystem, which ranks blogs by importance, visibility, traffic, and readership, collecting electronic information about each blog on the web. N.Z. Bear, proprietor of the ecosystem, said that he was installing paper trails immediately.

The lack of a paper trail has been wreaking havoc in other electronic systems.

In Nebraska, marriages are conducted electronically in "paperless" ceremonies. As a result, numerous husbands and wives have been caught attempting to hack the marriage database.

In one extreme attempt, Wendy Luskin was forced to collect receipts from romantic dinners just to demonstrate that she and her husband dated, after he had deleted their marriage entirely and altered the database to indicate that he had instead married 27-year-old bikini model Bambi Tarkington.

In another incident, Samantha Thud deleted husband Brad's birth certificate from central government computers, showing, as she had often told him, that he did not exist.

"Electronic votingsk system is not problem," said The Commissar, an election systems expert. "Problem is voting scheme where you do not know results before election, da?"

The US military has said it believes 54 insurgents were killed in intense exchanges in the northern Iraqi town of Samarra on Sunday but commanders admitted they had no bodies. . . .

Lieutenant Colonel Ryan Gonsalves, who commands the 166th Armoured Battalion in Samarra, also said his troops were not in possession of the bodies. The death toll, he said, was "based on the reports we got from the ground."

I have reconstructed the number of enemy wounded and killed in action during the recent engagement in Samarra. At least fifteen is were shot by soldiers with their M-1 rifles. No surprise there. But it is truly amazing what the rest of our soldiers did, and I myself would not beleive it if I hadn't heard it with my own ears.

Cpl. John Frolick shot two Iraqis, ran out of ammo, and constructed makeshift bullets out of chewing gum, MRE's, and tobacco -- then killed seven more. Pvt. Enrique Johnson bayoneted seven Iraqis, and then constructed an elaborate booby trap made from the deck of 52 wanted cards that exploded if anIraqi picked the Ace of Clubs. He tells me he killed fifteen with this device. Sgt. Sheila Carnahan informed me, while we were talking about her otherwise poor performance in the platoon, that she strangled twenty-four Iraqis with her bare hands and bayonetted eight with a hairpin. I now can recommend her for an immediate promotion and a swift commendation. And Johnson told Carnahan that he heard that dumb Joe Flannery -- you remember? The guy who accidentally blew up the canteen stateside? -- fell on several Iraqis and crushed them with some heavy ordinance he was carrying at the time of the ambush. I figure that that adds up to about 56 or so.

I am absolutely proud of the job that our men have told me they did. We may not be as good at counting as we are at killing, but next time, we hope to have a body or two around to assist us in our mathematical endeavors.

Sincerely,
Lt. Col. John Festering, Extremely Commanding
166th Armored Battalion
U.S. Army

Shares Thanksgiving Dinner With Grateful Undisclosed Personnel

Vice-President Dick Cheney, on Thanksgiving Thursday, surprised dozens of secret undisclosed location personnel, who have not seen their families for years, dropping in suddenly and sharing a dinner consisting of undisclosed items which "may or may not have incldued a turkey," leaked a White House spokeswoman.

The grateful personnel usually live on food squeezed out of tubes, undisclosed people said.

Cheney was reportedly happy to make the trip, since it was he who had suggested, along with Karl Rove, that Bush make the dangerous journey to Baghdad, just as he had suggested that Bush make dangerous landings on aircraft carriers before.

"I like it when he makes a really spectacularly dangerous landing," Cheney grimaced. "It's damn exciting. You know -- wondering if he will make it and so on."

Under questioning by reporters, Cheney responded, "No, no, no, you have it all wrong. I would not put the President in harm's way just for a political photo opportunity. In this case, we also gave Rupert Murdoch's Fox News a really great scoop."

Rest Of Family Presented On Dining Tables Throughout America Today

Stars, the turkey pardoned by President Bush just days ago, is having extreme difficulty adjusting to his "survivorship," according to prominent animal psychologists.

Dr. Frank Giblet said that Stars is liable to be an underachiever, to experience low self-esteem, will have difficulty coping with success, and has a much higher likelihood of becoming addicted to steroid- and antibiotic-laced feed.

"You can see it already," said Giblet. "His gobble is weak and dissolute. It's more like a gooble." Giblet added that Stars' turkey "trot" had become little more than a meander.

Stars will soon be taking part in group sessions with other survivors, including Colleen Haskell and Rupert Boneham.

Happy Thanksgiving! (Don't be too guilty about tucking into Stars' cousin Joey.)

Despite wake-up call after wake-up call, "movers" and "shakers" in the Democratic Party have elected to sleep in for "a good part of the 21st century," said Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Ca).

"We've received so many wake-up calls that I've disconnected the phone," said one senator.

Democrats received a wake-up call during the midterm elections, but most of them simply ordered room service. Tom Daschle installed a DVD player in his room and has watched "many enjoyable movies." Richard Gephardt wandered the halls aimlessly, telling anyone he ran into that he "meant well."

After bungling the handling of the Florida recount in 2000, Democrats managed to sleep through round after round of tax cuts ballooning the deficit, gave Bush the authority to invade Iraq -- nuking the economy and any hope for Middle East equilibrium -- and have now successfully passed the largest entitlement program for insurance and pharmaceutical companies ever proposed.

Senators Hilary Clinton, John Breaux, and Joe Biden responded forcefully to the dramatic, watershed failure of the party, ordering extra pillows and asking that the minibars be immediately restocked.

"We did do something, " protested Senator Barbara Mikulsky, while feeding herself at the local trough. "We gave ourselves another pay raise."

Sen. Frist has appeared in approximately 7,241 photographs "holding" the bottle.

"I woke up one morning while we were considering this Medicare Reform Bill, and this pill bottle-shaped growth had completely taken over my fingertips," said Frist. "That's when I had the idea to tell people this was a 'Prescription Drug Benefit Bill.' That way I could show my face at these press conferences."

Doctors have concluded that attempts to surgically remove the growth could prove fatal. "We could slip," said Dr. Shevardnadze, who has recently joined the staff of the NIH.

"Just by trying to take care of this bottle of pills, we could kill the whole patient."

Determined To Lead By Following

The Senate Democratic leader, Tom Daschle, said Friday that he would not support a filibuster against a bill offering prescription drug benefits to the elderly. His decision increases the chances for final action on the bill within days.

Daschle planned the filibuster in order to stop himself from "precipitously opposing the Republican majority."

"There's a need to counter those voices in our own party," Daschle whispered, "who might want to speak loudly."

Loud voices are said to cause Daschle intestinal discomfort.

Daschle pooh-poohed suggestions by Darla Whirligig, a senior from the South Bronx, New Mexico, that Daschle's failure to support a filibuster over the GOP's Medicare bill would mean giving drug and insurance companies a stranglehold on increasing healthcare costs.

"Oh, no," Daschle could hardly be heard to say, "If Democrats stopped this bill from passing, then Republicans would say we were against it."

President Bush gave a press conference in London recently.

Asked if he would keep a fixed number of troops in for a longer time, Bush replied: "We could have less troops in Iraq, we could have the same number of troops, we could have more troops in Iraq . . .

"I could be reelected or I could lose. The sun could come up or the sun might not rise again. David Letterman could best Leno or his ratings could remain low. Ann Heche could be gay or straight. You should sell or you should buy. But whatever you do, you should borrow. A stitch in time saves nine."

Later a top aide to Bush, who wished to remain anonymous, Cory Alastinomium, told reporters on condition that he not be identified, that Bush was not announcing a change in policy and that expectations remained that troop levels would be reduced.

"What the President said is actually quite meaningless," said Alastinomium. "It all depends on the moon and whether his house is in Saturn and aligns with cars."

Limbaugh Willing to Pitch in, Too

Michael Jackson, charged with molesting a child under the age of fourteen by authorities in California today, said only that he was proud to be able to distract the country from any actual news.

Indeed, the story of Jackson's imminent surrender to police and Rush Limbaugh's legal problems took up most of the hour-long Newsnight on CNN, while coverage of the first state visit to England in almost 100 years, and a major speech by President Bush on the war on terrorism, was covered in less than two minutes.

Of the scant appearance of real news on television, Rush Limbaugh had this to say: "I didn't launder money. I made withdrawals of cash."

Hundreds of thousands of British protestors were featured on news programs for approximately one second, prompting protestors to reconsider the manner in which they voice their opposition.

"I could become an expert on the life of Scary Spice," said Brendan McAnifstan.

Other celebrities said they were "happy to help."

"Entertainment is entertainment, whether it's a major summer blockbuster or a news show," Tom Cruise said. He was said to be torn between doing Mission Impossible 3 or being caught doing blow with a "really buff" naked man.

Bush Says U.S. Will Not Retreat From 'Band of Thugs' in

President Bush today announced that the "Band of Thugs" is now the deadliest group of terrorists in the world and they, and a large group of other terrorist organizations that have been nurtured into existence by the U.S. occupation of Iraq, are now the preeminent threats to the security of the U.S, Britain, and the rest of the world.

"I reckon al Queda is a measly number ten, at best," President Bush said in a major speech during his visit to England.

"We're quite concerned about the 'Band of Thugs,' and indications are that they may have been involved in 9/11," said the President.

Bush said that he was also concerned about the "Can O' Worms," the notorious "Shisk Ka'Bob," the "Counsel of Nine," the "Gaggle of Grunts," the "Cluster of Cashews," the "League of Liberals," the "Loose Association of Malcontents," the "Gang of Four," the "Rogues' Guild," and the "Little Rascals."

After coming to office with a vow to restore dignity to the White House, the president yesterday took a brief sabbatical from that effort: He granted an exclusive interview to a British tabloid that features daily photographs of nude women and articles akin to those found in our own National Enquirer.

The Sun, known for its scintillating reportage amid pictures of buxom beauties posing topless on page three, has ditched the nude models in favor of hardcore pornography, starting with a spread on President Bush cavorting brazenly with a visibly excited Rupert Murdoch.

"We thought this was the best way to go," said Hugh Persimmon-Sludge, editior-in-chief of the rag best known as the Sun.

On the new Page Three of the Sun, President Bush and Murdoch embrace each other, tell each other how wonderful they each are, admire each others wallets, cigars, and rolodexes.

President Bush, who has refused exclusive interviews with every major and minor (read: existing) American newspaper for the past year and a half, had been "saving himself" for Rupert, leaked White House spokesman Scott Mclellan.

"Oh, you're so big and powerful," Bush was overheard saying to Murdoch during the "interview." Murdoch replied with what sounded like the grunting of an inconconceivably rich Australian owning an impossibly large media empire that threatens to absorb the world.

"I just want to repay you for all of your kindness," Bush said later, sounding something like a Texan Blanche Dubois.

Sun editor Persimmon-Sludge refused to describe the interview further, saying only that the two men had spent a great deal of time stroking each others "egos."

"It's not that big a change, really," said Tycho Firth, a miner in East Chasbrough. "Page Three still has two big boobs on it."

Hurricane force winds whipped up the northeast today and yesterday, generated by enormous blasts of hot air during the latest Senate filibuster.

GOP senators seemed unconcerned about the dire consequences of their actions as they complained that the Democrats had blocked only 4 (what amounts to 2 per cent) of President Bush's judicial nominees, as opposed to the "collosal job" done by the Republicans in blocking 63, or a whopping 20 percent of Clinton's nominees during his tenor.

"These Democrats just don't have it in them," said a disappointed Rick Santorum.

The nearly forty-hour-long bore-a-thon sent a warm front south and brought 60 mile-an-hour winds northward in a meteorological balancing act that few truly understand. Trees were toppled, temperatures plunged dramatically, and children were blown off of couches and into backyards, far from their television sets.

Orrin Hatch tried to muster some sympathy for the President as fellow congressmen lay on cots "not fit for cats."

"The Democrats are treating the President like dirt," said Hatch, eliciting multiple snores.

It may have come as a surprise to Mr. Hatch that upon hearing his words, somewhere, American citizens shed a tear or two.

They were sad.

They were not weeping for President Bush.

The White House vowed to drop the pretense of stonewalling the independent commission on 9/11 and struck a significant deal giving panel members access to critical CIA daily intelligence briefings provided to the President.

Under the terms of the deal, two members of the commission panel will be able to view the entire library of presidential daily briefings from across a crowded room. The two members of the panel who will "see" the documents will not be able to tell the other members of the panel what they have seen. Two other members of the panel will be able to see selected documents which the White House determines are "relevant" to the commission's inquiry, but will only be able to discuss their findings in Swahili.

"I'm so glad we didn't subpoena them," Commission member Thomas Kean said of the White House.

There are some potential snags, several people waiting at a bus stop at Pocatella, Idaho, pointed out. The Commission doesn't know which two members of the panel will be permitted to view the whole library of briefings, and they are not allowed to ask. And the White House, which will determine which documents are relevant to the scope of the commission's inquiry, does not know what the scope of the commission's inquiry is.

"Something about boats?" guessed Ronald Factenheimer, the White House liaison to the Commission.

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect," said Mr. Kean, "You have twelve questions left before I flip over the cards and consider the panel stumped."

Paul Bremer was called back to the White House suddenly today where he was angrily berated by President Bush, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and others for setting "exactly the wrong tone" and establishing "the worst kind of conditions" in which to construct a democracy in Iraq.

"You can't gag people in a democracy!" Dick Cheney said. "That's horrific!" he cried, speaking of the arrest of an i merely for criticizing the U.S. occupation. "Are we trying to build a democracy or a dictatorship, for Pete's sake!"

Donald Rumsfeld was equally aghast at actions taken by soldiers in the wake of recent attacks, in which soldiers dropped bombs and lobbed mortars onto innocent townspeople just to show "they have teeth and claws."

"Are you people out of your minds?" Rumsfeld said. "Did it ever occur to you that that's exactly the way we're building the resistance? We'll never earn support in Iraq if we use force to intimidate and devastate is and their families, man. Be decent. Be smart."

Sources say Bremer's job is hanging by a thread.

President Bush, the ever-resourceful, wise, hands-on American leader, told Bremer, "The future of the world -- indeed, the future of America -- rests upon the job we do in Iraq. We can do better. We must do better. And, for God's sake, get rid of those damn boots."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, like his boss, is selling the policy with a new PR initiative, granting interviews to 18 local TV stations from Boston to Seattle during a three-week blitz. But the offer comes with strings attached. The White House media office has insisted that each station air subsequent interviews with three or four other Pentagon officials as a condition for getting Rumsfeld. These include Wolfowitz, reconstruction boss Paul Bremer and Central Command chief Gen. John Abizaid.

Now you can get all the Donald Rumsfeld you need, all the Donald Rumsfeld you want -- and, at absolutely no additional cost, you get this pure, completely unadulterated 100 per cent authentic, fresh out of the box, Paul Wolfowitz, the one and only, ladies and gentlemen, as much Paul Wolfowitz as you can handle! That's two adminstration bigwigs for the price of one!

Imagine Secretary Rumsfeld. In your living room. Taking questions. Saying ridiculous things. Right there in our own home.

And Wolfowitz! Looking grim. Predicting outright, unspeakably horrible imminent disaster and audacious U.S. worldwide hegemony all in the same breath! See his amazing two faces!

(Don't worry, townspeople, we'll turn your neighborhood into a high security green zone so no one will launch missiles at him while he's sitting on your coach, eating all your food, drinking your last six-pack.)

I know you're thinking: What a value! What a find! There's just no way this offer could get any better!

But guess what? There's MORE.

A U.S. nuclear weapons laboratory must replace up to 100,000 locks at a cost of more than $1.6 million, after staff lost several sets of master keys to the complex, then failed to notify superiors, it emerged Friday.

"I'm sure we left it right here," said Dr. Bonwit Teller, cousin of the grandson of Dr. Edward Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb. "Man, we have to find it," he said to some fellow world-class nuclear weapons scientists. "My old man is really going to freak."

The Lab was last seen parked in section A-4 of the Stockton Valley Mall, near the Sauerbraten Cafe and the Nike Rubber Pavilion.

"Oh, man," said two-time Nobel prize winner Dr. Neil Fedora. "This really bites. I left a stash of killer high-grade plutonium in there."

Influential Pentagon adviser Richard Perle said on Thursday that Iran was "up to its eyeballs in terrorism" and the United States should quietly be encouraging a democratic revolution from within.

"There are body parts serving as benchmarks everywhere!" he cried. He bemoaned that he had 'had it up to here" with terrorism, skepticism, and paranoia. "If we don't do something soon we'll be in over our heads,' he warned.

A White House spokesman up to his knees in fleas leaked in response that "the White House is examining the situation," noting that it had to juggle considerations that North Korea was "up to its urethra in uranium,' and Syria was "up to its adam's apples in Arabs." He said nothing of the fact that Pakistan is up to its adenoids in al Queda.

Forrest Forthatries, an analyst at the Darren Stephens School of Acting Intelligence, commented. "I don't know about all these reckless accusations. Here in America we're up to our eardrums in assholes."

The New York Times reported today that in late February, President Bush rebuffed a generous offer by Saddam Hussein to destroy much of Iraq, mercilessly kill his two sons, and go into hiding, saying, "We'd much rather do it on our own, thanks."

"My mother raised me to try and accomplish things all by myself, without the help of others, like my rich father with his ties to Big Oil and all his pals in government," Bush, Jr., said.

"American lives are a small price to pay for the gift of self reliance," he added.

U.S. soldiers are contemplating filing an enormous class-action suit against the makers of shoulder-launched missiles in an effort to "make makers accountable for their makings," said Pfc. Ernst Choler dispeptically.

Shoulder-launched missiles can easily bring down a Blackhawk or Chinook helicopter, are portable and easy to hide, and can be found all over Iraq, in ammo dumps, weapons caches; they can be checked out of libraries if you have a card.

"We're going to get whoever made these fricking weapons, and while we're at it, why don't we go after whoever left them lying around unsecured in vast heaps all over Iraq, easily available to resistance members, terrorists, fugitives, and Hussein sympathizers?" said Corporal Danny Isotope.

Soldiers have named Russia as a defendant, but Russia is set to countersue the United States, who provided the Russian-made weapons to during the Reagan years. Other defendants will be Ronald Reagan, former CIA director William Casey, and Donald Rumsfeld, who arranged the weapons transfer. Reagan, Casey, and Rumsfeld will be exhumed for the proceedings.

Mel Gibson, director of the controversial film of the life of Jesus Christ, snapped up the equally controversial "life of Ronald Reagan" miniseries when CBS declined to air it. CBS pulled the miniseries in response to loud protest by members of the "Cult of Reagan."

Gibson bought the miniseries because he "laughs at danger," according to a spokesman for Gibson.

Reagan cult members immediately announced that they will boycott the miniseries and pull Gibson's spleen out of his body with a giant set of sterling silver tweezers, bequeathed to them by the many Reaganites who also own huge sterling silver spoons.

Variety's Gabe Hocchhler, who covered the story under the headline "GOP PRICKS DEEP SIX RONNIE FLICKS" took time away from his rhyming dictionary long enough to say, "Just as Mel filmed his Christ epic in Sanskrit and provided English subtitles, he'll be subtitling the miniseries in black and white for the Repubican audience."

The SciFi Channel was disappointed in the sale to Gibson. They had been planning on buying the biopic and running it in a special episode of Mystery Science 3000, in which a few people opposed to censorship by wealthy bullies and politicians are marooned in space and forced to watch CBS's regular programming.

Hopes To Rename Fallujah "Forbestopia"

The flat tax, long a dream of economic conservatives, is finally getting its day -- not in the United States, but in Iraq.

It took L. Paul Bremer, the U.S. administrator in Baghdad, no more than a stroke of the pen Sept. 15 to accomplish [it] . . . has a flat tax, and the 15 percent rate is even lower than Forbes (17 percent) and Gramm (16 percent) favored for the United States.

"I'm looking for a town or a village to buy and call my own," he said. "Just a nice secluded hamlet with a helipad and a jacuzzi, maybe a few townspeople to do my bidding."

He was also examining options to incorporate the Forbes magazine empire in Iraq, "which will save us countless millions."

Asked whether he owed fealty to the United States which gave him the opportunity to inherit the enormous wealth amassed by his ancestors, he said, "No."

"I already have a load of wealth and possessions beyond my wildest imagining," he said. "Why should I give that up to help some disadvantaged Americans out? I'm looking forward to trickle down on some Iraqis. I'm going to trickle all over them."

Today Donald Rumsfeld called an attack that left sixteen U.S. soldiers dead and more than 21 wounded tragic but "necessary."

"That's what a day in a war brings. People die. Later that day you ask the Senate for appropriations," Rumsfeld intoned.

A handwritten note found on Rumsfeld's desk yesterday listed bombs, civilian casualties, lots of dead soldiers, and "untidiness" under the heading "Some Ingredients Of War."

"There are going to be days when large numbers of people are going to be killed," said Rumsfeld, speaking on Fox News today. "If people don't die, then it's not much of a war, is it? Then it would be kind of like a strenuous disagreement."

It Juliennes Fries

The nation's GDP sailed upwards this quarter to a record 7.2 %, the largest growth rate since 1984, and all without adding jobs, and with still-existing workers working fewer hours.

"Fewers workers have been able to produce more with less," said Candy Hamstrung, Chief Economic Analyst of Milkem and Grow, a Wall Street sweatshop.

"That's because of the amazing Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer," said Ron Popeii, CEO of Ronco Corporation and subject of the book "Salesman of the Century". "It can slice potatoes so thin you see right through them, or you can twist the handy dial and it will shred cabbage for cole slaw."

Popeii pointed out that workers using the Dial-O-Matic are healthier, happier, and waste fewer hours at home "slaving away over a stove," helping them to be better rested and more productive at work.

Possible Countersuit Contemplated

Donald Luskin, a writer who has encouraged readers to assault Paul Krugman with a pie, recently sent a letter to Atrios threatening to use legal action to unmask Atrios and make his private identity public, because Atrios described Luskin as a Paul Krugman "stalker."

Now, in the wake of the revelation that Donald Luskin wrote an article calling himself a stalker, Donald Luskin immediately threatened to take legal action to unmask himself and make public his own identity.

"That's just the kind of dastardly threat only I would make," said Luskin, reading a letter sent to himself by his own lawyer. "What a fiend I am!"

Iraq is dangerous, and it's dangerous because terrorists want us to leave.

-- George W. Bush

Bush: Thanks, but we got to be going.

Just another day out on the wild frontier.

With apologies to William Goldman.

Producers Frantically Plan Scott Peterson, Princess Di Stories, Panels

Cable news networks are up in arms about projections that the Kobe Bryant trial will come too soon and be too brief to generate enough punditry to fill daytime and prime-time coverage for the next two months.

"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" said Tracy Glut, producer for MSNBC. "I have rape defense experts lined up, women who have written books on rape trials, men who have written books on women who write books, divorce columnists, ten obscure defense attorneys from Idaho, Nevada, and Brazil, Farrah Fawcett, who will tell us what she learned about date rape from filming The Burning Bed, Kobe Bryant's hair-stylist, masseuse, chaffeur, and a guy who saw Kobe Bryant outside of a hotel once in 2002. That's for the first couple days. And then it could be over."

Joe Flaherffy of CNN said, "We're in kind of a bind here. We've got the Laci Patterson case, Kobe, and then what? I've got teams of people shadowing sports figures all over America waiting for them to kill someone in a bar fight or hotel room."

Glenn Spice, an agent who specialize in pundits, expressed concern. "I've got a whole stable of celebrity biographers who are just languishing out there."

Glut was beside herself. "What are we gonna do? Cover the death of some soldier in every day?"

President Bush, who has recently contracted to write the next edition of The Power of Positive Thinking with the late Norman Vincent Peale, sees the glass as half-full when talking of the recent spate of increasingly sophisticated terrorist attacks in .

"In every mushroom cloud, there's a silver lining," Bush said.
Bush intends to include handy aphorisms to guide you to happiness, such as:"One good burn deserves another" and "The early Kurd gets the berm."

Key chapters will tell Americans:

• How to eliminate that most devastating handicap -- self immolation;
• How to free yourself from worry, stress, resentment, and approaching Stinger missiles;
• How to climb above problems, and over bodies, to visualize solutions and then attain them;
• Simple prayerful exercises that you can do every day, throughout the day, to reinforce your new-found habit of happiness.

Bush intends to publish a tome on "Self-hypnosis For Success" in the near future.

Suprisingly, Osama bin Laden, when reached at an undisclosed location, approved of Bush's approach. While sipping a cool, refreshing beverage, he intoned, "I don't think of a death as just one suicide -- I think of it as 35 dead unbelievers. You have to make lemons from lemonade."