June 30, 2004
Jubilant Iraqis Await Handover Of Sovereignty

Thousands of eager Iraqis gathered in Baghdad today to greet the "birth of a new Iraqi government" after the United States formally transfers power to an interim Iraqi authority. In Sabala Square, where the transfer ceremony was scheduled to take place, swarms of Iraqis waited patiently.

"I am so excited," said Gliknar Spood. "Everything will be so different!"

Achmed Splar, an Iraqi shoe salesman turned entrepreneur, was selling pins, t-shirts, and light wands to commemorate the day. "JUNE 30, 2004" was emblazoned on one t-shirt depicting J. Paul Bremer boarding a C-130 and leaving his combat boots on the tarmac as Iraqi President Ghazi Yawer looks on.

"Hey," asked Splar. "Where is everybody?"

Posted by Tom at 11:00 AM in News | Comments (5) | TrackBack (1)

June 28, 2004
Senate Revises Voting Procedures

In Case Of Senate Tie, Vice President Will Now Say "Aye" or "Go Fuck Yourself"

The Republican-controlled Senate revised its voting procedures today to reflect the new-found propriety of Vice President Dick Cheney's behavior last week on the Senate floor.

Now, in the event of a tie, the Vice-President will break the tie by voting in the affirmative and saying "Aye", or, when voting in the negative, saying "Go fuck yourselves."

Additonally, the more traditional "Aye" or "Nay" will be henceforth replaced by "Fuck Me" and "Fuck You."

The Senate Sergeant-at-Arms will no longer place members under arrest, but will tell them that they are "fucked." In the event that a member is expelled, the Sergeant-at-Arms will announce that the member has been totally fucked.

When a vote is held up in committee, it will be referred to as "a total fucking."

"We want to thank the Vice President for ushering in a new, more open era of Senate civility," said. Sen. Bill Frist. "I mean, fucking-A."

Posted by Tom at 07:49 AM in News | Comments (6) | TrackBack (1)

June 27, 2004
The Raw Story Has The Real Story

Matt Drudge should start packing his bags. (Although -- can there ever be too much GOP propaganda masquerading as "news"?)

Far too long a time has passed since I discovered The Raw Story without talking about it. The Raw Story is a glossy web-based antidote to the poison Drudge spews daily. You can get real news at The Raw Story, and the site is none too hard on the eyes, either.

Perhaps the best thing about the Story is that they report the news that the so-called liberal media doesn't tell you -- like how well Fahrenheit 911 is doing in Texas theaters (North Texas loves it).

They update twice a day, and they're not just links -- they do some of their own reporting. Add it to your bookmarks, your blogroll, and your RSS readers and check it daily.

Posted by Tom at 11:25 AM in Links | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

Trouble On The Street

The American Street is having a hard time of late, from temporaily losing its domain name to a present technical glitch which leaves the entire page bereft of posts. Techies are swarming over the site to correct the problems, but they've been going on for days. In terms of traffic, it's one of the top 100 blogs in the blogosphere, so readers must be frustrated. I contribute something every Saturday over there for "Saturday Stickball," a week's end comedy round-up -- which is pretty good, including material from Ayn Clouter, the ever-excellent Jesus' General, and others. With luck and sweat, the site will be back to normal shortly.

Posted by Tom at 11:12 AM in Links | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 22, 2004
White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture

Rove, Rice, Powell, Bush "Absolutely Panicked"; Cheney, Rumsfeld Unperturbed

White House officials today feared that its decision to seek to torture "enemy combatants" and terrorists might lead to the perception they had, in fact, done what they did.

"The minute the public catches on to what we actually do here everyday, we're finished," said an unamed functionary, Colin Powell.

In response to its fears, the White House released 258 pages of internal memos showing that the President, White House lawyers, and Donald Rumsfeld had explicitly approved the use of torture.

"These documents," the President said, "show that we never approved the use of torture."

The President explained that when he said, in one of the documents, that we "needed new thinking in the law of war," and that the "war on terror ushers in a new paradigm," he meant that we needed "the same old, humane thinking."

Documents show Donald Rumsfeld's kinder side, said White House officials. A document [note: pdf] that approved, among other things, forcing prisoners to stand for up to four hours at a time bore Rumsfled's notation, "Why only four? I stand for eight to ten hours day."

"What Secretary Rumsfeld meant was that prisoners would be given standing desks, several overly solicitous aides, a generous salary, as much coffee as they wanted, and air conditioning," said Albert Gonzalez, White House Counsel.

A document written by White House lawyers explicitly approving the use of torture was "being rewritten" to suggest that White House lawyers had approved giving prisoners lollipops and "non-expiring" cell phone minutes, said Gonzalez.

The White House refused to release further documents because they would only show, in even more specific and graphic language, spokesmen said, that torture was not condoned.

"To release these other documents," said Donald Rumsfeld with a smile, "would just be overkill."

Read More »

Posted by Tom at 01:52 PM in News | Comments (5) | TrackBack (2)

HMO's Sue Patients: "Make Ridiculous Demands For Health, Care," Say CEO's

HMO's giddy with excitement after winning a ruling from the Supreme Court banning patients from suing them for malpractice filed suit against their customers alleging business intereference and harassment today.

"These patients are always asking for some doctor or for some drug," said SafetyNet CEO Luther Bling-Bling. "It's enough to make you sick."

"I'm absolutely harried. It's getting much harder to make ends meet," said Health-U-Bet President Lucy Cashmore. "I can hardly keep my kids in cashmere, and these people are whining about their meds, their internal organs, their lives. It's always me, me, me with them."

Patient Juan Davila was ordered to pay Aetna $300,000 for filing a "frivolous" lawsuit in state court after he developed serious bleeding ulcers when Aetna gave him ground glass instead of a more expensive medicine, Vioxx, to treat his arthritis.

Aetna defended its action. "We're being very reasonable here. We're only asking for attorney's fees," said a spokesman for Aetna. "It's not like we wanted his left kidney."

Posted by Tom at 12:57 PM in News | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

June 21, 2004
Bush "Unnaturally Chummy" With Clinton At Portrait Unveiling, Says Hillary

Clinton Again Banished To Couch

Hillary Clinton was "extremely unsettled" by what she described as George W. Bush's "unnaturally kind remarks" to Clinton at the recent White House unveiling of Bill and Hilary Clinton's portraits. "The only explanation is that Bill is again `mowing someone else's lawn,' if you take my meaning," said one of Sen. Clinton's staffers.

"Bush was much more intimate in these several minutes with President Clinton than Gore was during his entire campaign," said a Gore campaign manager who wished to remain nameless, Donna Brazile. "It's not surprising that Hillary feels that Bill has one again indulged in fiddle-faddle."

In response, President Clinton was, once again, banished to the couch, where, as he recounted in his memoirs, he previously spent "an engaging two months" after "discussing" Monical Lewinski with Hillary. President Clinton is apparently thinking of fitting the couch with "full luxury options," including a stereo, fold-out digital TV with DVD playback, and portajohn.

Laura Bush did not, in turn, banish her husband to the couch because, she said, "he's never made a mistake." She added: "If he's sleeping with Bill Clinton, I'm sure it's for the national security."

Posted by Tom at 12:30 PM in News | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

June 17, 2004
Cheney Unable To Order Breakfast Without Mentioning Imaginary Al Qaeda-Iraq Link

Orders Eggs And "Intrinsically-Linked" Sausages

Despite the report of the 9/11 Commission that a thorough review of all relevant evidence showed that there was never any link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, Vice President Cheney is unable to go as long as three minutes without asserting the existence of such a connection.

"I'll have the waffles," he told a waitress earlier today, "with a side of bacon and Hussein was in bed with bin Laden all the way."

Cheney has mentioned the nonexistent link as many as 300 times so far today, alleging it during discussions of domestic oil production, Halliburton contracts, energy policy, and Diebold voting machines.

"We don't need a paper trail," said Cheney. "We don't have a paper trail that leads directly from Saddam to a certain now-desecrated spot in lower Manhattan, but we still know what Saddam did there."

At home, the Vice President has re-labelled the salt and pepper shakers on his dining room table "Iraq" and "Al Qaeda," and was recently heard to claim in a phone call to Anita Bryant, "They are like orange juice and sunshine."

In other news, Republicans cried foul when Time Magazine revealed that the "undisclosed location" to which Dick Cheney has periodically retreated is an underground bunker hidden in a popular theme park.

The Vice President is often in Fantasyland.

Posted by Tom at 12:37 PM in News | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

hand_lg.gifSometimes Hearing Voices Is A Good Thing

It's hard to imagine Bill Moyers and Tom Burka with adult film star Christy Canyon between them (it's an unwanted image, isn't it?), but that's what you'll get if you tune into KDVS today at 8:00 p.m. EST, 5:00 p.m. on the West Coast. Doug Everett of Radio Parallax brought the three of us together for an evening of "unprotected radio." Doug's radio show often features excellent political satire cooked up by Doug himself, so we at OYSH are happy to be a part of it. (The Christy Canyon thing was just icing. Really.)

If you're in the Sacramento area, tune into to 90.3 FM, or, if you're anywhere else, there's a live web feed at the KDVS home page, at the top of the left-hand column. OYSH will be at the end of the show, so look for us following the tail end of Christy Canyon. So to speak.

Posted by Tom at 11:08 AM in Notices | Comments (5) | TrackBack (1)

June 14, 2004
Uncle Don Needs You

Recruiters Try New Tactics to Sell Wartime Army - [W]ith the Army's presence in Iraq and Afghanistan continuing, with plans for a temporary increase of 30,000 troops in the Army's reserve, and with soldiers' tours being extended in Iraq, a top Pentagon official this month expressed concern about military recruiting in the years ahead.
Join the Army! See the world! See a tiny part of the world. Explore exciting new opportunities while drinking hot water in 120 degree heat and using dogs in ways you had never anticipated. Learn the fantastic virtue of patience by watching the end of your tour get extended and extended -- seemingly forever!

Learn to love rejection. Remember those pesky relatives who come to visit you but never ever really leave? Be one of them.

Facing a long term jail sentence? You don't have to! Today's Army needs convicted felons like you to round out our, uh, glockenspiel band.

And don't go into combat alone. Bring a friend! Bring two! Bring the whole family! Our "buddy" option lets you enlist with someone you like, and who likes you (But not "that way," okay?). Nothing cements the bond of friendship than the truly unique ritual of dragging your pal to safety after he's been fragged.

Has your boyfriend/wife/lover been cheating/neglectful/clinging like a barnacle that can only be surgically removed? What better way to forget than to do eight weeks of glorious, relationship-free basic training, followed by an assignment overseas. Chances are, you won't even go to Iraq. You could go to South Korea or Germany instead. For at least a week, maybe.

It doesn't get any any better than this! It really doesn't. Sign up today!

Warning: Following orders may lead to unwanted media attention, prison sentences, and international vilification. In the event that you are wounded, medical attention and travel expenses may cost extra. You may need to provide your own equipment. Digital cameras, laptop computers, pencils and paper may be confiscated. Your memory may be subject to periodic revision. Although term of service may nominally be limited to fifteen months, you may be required to stay in the military until death or permanent disability. Coupons may not be honored. Some restrictions may apply. Get a haircut.

Posted by Tom at 12:04 PM in News | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

June 10, 2004
Reagan Reagan Reagan Reagan Reagan Reagan Reagan Raygun Reagan Reagun Regan Reaguan Rajun Reagan Raggin Reagin

Reagan reagan reagan reagan Reagan reagan reagan reagan. Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan. And furthermore, Reagan:

Reagan reagan reagan, Reagan Reagan reagan reagan, but Reagan Reagan reagan reagan.
When Reagan Reagan reagan reagan, Reagan Reagan reagan reagan, it's amazing Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan. Today Reagan Reagan reagan reagan. Tomorrow reagan Reagan reagan reagan. And we're fairly sure reagan reagan Reagan reagan forever Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reaganReagan Reagan reagan reaganReagan Reagan reagan reagan fucking Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan Reagan Reagan reagan reagan.

Read More »

June 08, 2004
GOP To Rename Buildings, Monuments, Schools, President Bush After Reagan

Republicans today rallied the cry to rename most of the nation's buildings in honor of Ronald Reagan, and planned to rename George W. Bush after him as well.

The White House will be renamed The Ronald Reagan House (Which Happens To Be White), and, as soon as stonemasons can replace the face, the Lincoln Memorial will be renamed the Reagan Memorial. (Lincoln's great speeches, carved into the walls of the Memorial, will be left there, "Because didn't Reagan play Lincoln in some movie?" said Francis Bickel, chair of the Reagan Memorial Defense Committee. "He probably said those after he liberated the jews from the death camps.")

The Presidency is to renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Presidency, and George W. Bush will henceforth be known as the First Ronald Reagan President, or the "Pretty Good" Communicator.

"It's a good thing," said Bush. "I hope I can live up to it. I understand that Abe Lincoln once landed a jet on the USS Ronald Reagan, and I'd like to do that, too."

Posted by Tom at 10:16 AM in News | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)

June 07, 2004
A Story Of Epic Idiocy

A guy calling himself Victor Littlebear spent a year (!) "translating" into English "The Bushiad and the Idyossey." It is astonishingly good. From the chapter called "Mission Accomplished," a poetic rendition of the reaction of the Bush boys to the fall of Baghdad:

“Good job, boys!” Resolute George exalts,
“That was outstanding!” Huddled
In the war room with his coterie of
Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz and Rove
His cherished chums. “I’d drink
A toast to victory, but as you know I can’t.”

“I’d say the mission is accomplished,”
Hard-Hearted Cheney offers, “Now
To get that Iraqi oil to the market.”
“Hear, hear,” adds Rummy, "Onward to
Halliburton!” and the gang all laughs,
Except for Karl Rove.

* * *

Weeks later on May 1st the carrier
Abe Lincoln idles near San Diego.
Kept offshore for hours to improve
The camera view, the deck canted
To port for the same reason,
The crew awaits a special landing.

Posted by Tom at 05:45 PM in Links | Comments (2) | TrackBack (3)

June 03, 2004
Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine"

prexy.jpgPresident Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."

Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.

"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.

Habeeb McKenzie, a postal worker from Iowa, said,"That umbrella don't work for shit! Who is he kidding? Can I offer you some mail?"

June 02, 2004
Iraqi Governing Council Takes Bold New Step Of Renaming Itself

Plan To Rename, Repaint Offices, Too

Iraq took a mighty step forward toward creating an independent sovereign government this week as the Iraqi Governing Council -- a group of U.S. appointed Iraqi exiles seen as largely subservient to U.S. demands -- renamed itself and became a group of dynamic, independent thinkers -- made up of the very same people.

"I am a new man!" cried Prime Minister Iyad Allawi. "I could order American troops out of Iraq tomorrow if I wished!"

Asked if this was true, Allawi became suddenly sober and said," I don't know. Let me make a call." After disappearing into his study and making an overseas call, Allawi emerged and answered, "No. I can't."

He raised his hands over his head in a gesture of triumph. "But I can dream!" he cried.

Mysterious New Body Has No Actual Name

The Iraqi Governing Council transformed itself into -- something else.

"Everyone's calling us the 'new interim goverment,' but we had been thinking about calling ourselves 'New Government with Minty Fresh Scent' to spice it up," said "New Improved" Foreign Minister Hoshiyar Zebari, who had previously been Foreign Minister in the Iraqi Governing Council.

"That's how I got this job," Zebari joked. "Foreign Minister was already on my resume."

Posted by Tom at 09:48 PM in News | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)