November 30, 2003
Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To Undisclosed Location
Shares Thanksgiving Dinner With Grateful Undisclosed Personnel
Vice-President Dick Cheney, on Thanksgiving Thursday, surprised dozens of secret undisclosed location personnel, who have not seen their families for years, dropping in suddenly and sharing a dinner consisting of undisclosed items which "may or may not have incldued a turkey," leaked a White House spokeswoman.
The grateful personnel usually live on food squeezed out of tubes, undisclosed people said.
Cheney was reportedly happy to make the trip, since it was he who had suggested, along with Karl Rove, that Bush make the dangerous journey to Baghdad, just as he had suggested that Bush make dangerous landings on aircraft carriers before.
"I like it when he makes a really spectacularly dangerous landing," Cheney grimaced. "It's damn exciting. You know -- wondering if he will make it and so on."
Under questioning by reporters, Cheney responded, "No, no, no, you have it all wrong. I would not put the President in harm's way just for a political photo opportunity. In this case, we also gave Rupert Murdoch's Fox News a really great scoop."
November 27, 2003
Pardoned Turkey Suffering From Survivor Guilt
Rest Of Family Presented On Dining Tables Throughout America Today
Stars, the turkey pardoned by President Bush just days ago, is having extreme difficulty adjusting to his "survivorship," according to prominent animal psychologists.
Dr. Frank Giblet said that Stars is liable to be an underachiever, to experience low self-esteem, will have difficulty coping with success, and has a much higher likelihood of becoming addicted to steroid- and antibiotic-laced feed.
"You can see it already," said Giblet. "His gobble is weak and dissolute. It's more like a gooble." Giblet added that Stars' turkey "trot" had become little more than a meander.
Stars will soon be taking part in group sessions with other survivors, including Colleen Haskell and Rupert Boneham.
Happy Thanksgiving! (Don't be too guilty about tucking into Stars' cousin Joey.)
November 26, 2003
At The Congressional Hotel, Democrats Sleeping In
Despite wake-up call after wake-up call, "movers" and "shakers" in the Democratic Party have elected to sleep in for "a good part of the 21st century," said Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Ca).
"We've received so many wake-up calls that I've disconnected the phone," said one senator.
Democrats received a wake-up call during the midterm elections, but most of them simply ordered room service. Tom Daschle installed a DVD player in his room and has watched "many enjoyable movies." Richard Gephardt wandered the halls aimlessly, telling anyone he ran into that he "meant well."
After bungling the handling of the Florida recount in 2000, Democrats managed to sleep through round after round of tax cuts ballooning the deficit, gave Bush the authority to invade Iraq -- nuking the economy and any hope for Middle East equilibrium -- and have now successfully passed the largest entitlement program for insurance and pharmaceutical companies ever proposed.
Senators Hilary Clinton, John Breaux, and Joe Biden responded forcefully to the dramatic, watershed failure of the party, ordering extra pillows and asking that the minibars be immediately restocked.
"We did do something, " protested Senator Barbara Mikulsky, while feeding herself at the local trough. "We gave ourselves another pay raise."
November 25, 2003
Senate Majority Leader Frist Reveals Prescription Bottle Permanently Grafted To Hand
As a grim John Breaux looked on, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist revealed that a prescription drug container -- that Frist has appeared to be "holding" continually during the past six days -- had grown on his hand last week while he was sleeping, and does not appear to be removable.
Sen. Frist has appeared in approximately 7,241 photographs "holding" the bottle.
"I woke up one morning while we were considering this Medicare Reform Bill, and this pill bottle-shaped growth had completely taken over my fingertips," said Frist. "That's when I had the idea to tell people this was a 'Prescription Drug Benefit Bill.' That way I could show my face at these press conferences."
Doctors have concluded that attempts to surgically remove the growth could prove fatal. "We could slip," said Dr. Shevardnadze, who has recently joined the staff of the NIH.
"Just by trying to take care of this bottle of pills, we could kill the whole patient."
November 22, 2003
Daschle To Filibuster Self
Determined To Lead By Following
The Senate Democratic leader, Tom Daschle, said Friday that he would not support a filibuster against a bill offering prescription drug benefits to the elderly. His decision increases the chances for final action on the bill within days.Senator Tom Daschle announced today that he would filibuster himself for the rest of the Senate term, if not longer, a spokesman said. Daschle, who speaks softly and carries a tiny baton, said he was determined to "remain calm" during the filibuster and aims to avoid making "any sudden moves."
Daschle planned the filibuster in order to stop himself from "precipitously opposing the Republican majority."
"There's a need to counter those voices in our own party," Daschle whispered, "who might want to speak loudly."
Loud voices are said to cause Daschle intestinal discomfort.
Daschle pooh-poohed suggestions by Darla Whirligig, a senior from the South Bronx, New Mexico, that Daschle's failure to support a filibuster over the GOP's Medicare bill would mean giving drug and insurance companies a stranglehold on increasing healthcare costs.
"Oh, no," Daschle could hardly be heard to say, "If Democrats stopped this bill from passing, then Republicans would say we were against it."
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Matt Bivens of The Nation writes:
If the Republicans were to ever call on Congress to pass a bill to saw off Tom Daschle's left arm above the elbow, Daschle would be the first to agree, earnest and parrot-like, that America desperately needed such a bill. He'd just object to, you know, some of the provisions. What we really need, he'd say -- while his colleagues nodded in thoughtful agreement -- is a Democratic Saw Off Tom Daschle's Arm Act. Then the horse-trading would begin, and soon the Senator from South Dakota would proudly announce bipartisan approval of a "compromise" bill to saw off his arm above the wrist . . .
Boy, does he ever get it right.
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November 21, 2003
Bush Charts Clear Course For Future In Iraq, May Go Into Astrology
President Bush gave a press conference in London recently.
Asked if he would keep a fixed number of troops in for a longer time, Bush replied: "We could have less troops in Iraq, we could have the same number of troops, we could have more troops in Iraq . . .Bush went on: "There might be more terrorists in Iraq. There might be less democracy in Iraq, or Iraq could have the same lack of government that it has now. This is all very complicated."
"I could be reelected or I could lose. The sun could come up or the sun might not rise again. David Letterman could best Leno or his ratings could remain low. Ann Heche could be gay or straight. You should sell or you should buy. But whatever you do, you should borrow. A stitch in time saves nine."
Later a top aide to Bush, who wished to remain anonymous, Cory Alastinomium, told reporters on condition that he not be identified, that Bush was not announcing a change in policy and that expectations remained that troop levels would be reduced.
"What the President said is actually quite meaningless," said Alastinomium. "It all depends on the moon and whether his house is in Saturn and aligns with cars."
November 20, 2003
Jackson Willing to Do "Whatever It Takes" To Distract Country From Bush; Happily Surrenders Self For "Greater Good"
Limbaugh Willing to Pitch in, Too
Michael Jackson, charged with molesting a child under the age of fourteen by authorities in California today, said only that he was proud to be able to distract the country from any actual news.
Indeed, the story of Jackson's imminent surrender to police and Rush Limbaugh's legal problems took up most of the hour-long Newsnight on CNN, while coverage of the first state visit to England in almost 100 years, and a major speech by President Bush on the war on terrorism, was covered in less than two minutes.
Of the scant appearance of real news on television, Rush Limbaugh had this to say: "I didn't launder money. I made withdrawals of cash."
Hundreds of thousands of British protestors were featured on news programs for approximately one second, prompting protestors to reconsider the manner in which they voice their opposition.
"I could become an expert on the life of Scary Spice," said Brendan McAnifstan.
Other celebrities said they were "happy to help."
"Entertainment is entertainment, whether it's a major summer blockbuster or a news show," Tom Cruise said. He was said to be torn between doing Mission Impossible 3 or being caught doing blow with a "really buff" naked man.
November 19, 2003
"Band Of Thugs" To Supplant Al Queda As Top Terrorist Group, Says Bush
Bush Says U.S. Will Not Retreat From 'Band of Thugs' in
President Bush today announced that the "Band of Thugs" is now the deadliest group of terrorists in the world and they, and a large group of other terrorist organizations that have been nurtured into existence by the U.S. occupation of Iraq, are now the preeminent threats to the security of the U.S, Britain, and the rest of the world.
"I reckon al Queda is a measly number ten, at best," President Bush said in a major speech during his visit to England.
"We're quite concerned about the 'Band of Thugs,' and indications are that they may have been involved in 9/11," said the President.
Bush said that he was also concerned about the "Can O' Worms," the notorious "Shisk Ka'Bob," the "Counsel of Nine," the "Gaggle of Grunts," the "Cluster of Cashews," the "League of Liberals," the "Loose Association of Malcontents," the "Gang of Four," the "Rogues' Guild," and the "Little Rascals."
November 17, 2003
British Tabloid Ditches Page 3 Girls, Moves To Hardcore Pornography
After coming to office with a vow to restore dignity to the White House, the president yesterday took a brief sabbatical from that effort: He granted an exclusive interview to a British tabloid that features daily photographs of nude women and articles akin to those found in our own National Enquirer.
The Sun, known for its scintillating reportage amid pictures of buxom beauties posing topless on page three, has ditched the nude models in favor of hardcore pornography, starting with a spread on President Bush cavorting brazenly with a visibly excited Rupert Murdoch.
"We thought this was the best way to go," said Hugh Persimmon-Sludge, editior-in-chief of the rag best known as the Sun.
On the new Page Three of the Sun, President Bush and Murdoch embrace each other, tell each other how wonderful they each are, admire each others wallets, cigars, and rolodexes.
President Bush, who has refused exclusive interviews with every major and minor (read: existing) American newspaper for the past year and a half, had been "saving himself" for Rupert, leaked White House spokesman Scott Mclellan.
"Oh, you're so big and powerful," Bush was overheard saying to Murdoch during the "interview." Murdoch replied with what sounded like the grunting of an inconconceivably rich Australian owning an impossibly large media empire that threatens to absorb the world.
"I just want to repay you for all of your kindness," Bush said later, sounding something like a Texan Blanche Dubois.
Sun editor Persimmon-Sludge refused to describe the interview further, saying only that the two men had spent a great deal of time stroking each others "egos."
"It's not that big a change, really," said Tycho Firth, a miner in East Chasbrough. "Page Three still has two big boobs on it."
November 14, 2003
GOP Filibuster Causes Dangerous High Winds Throughout Northeast
Hurricane force winds whipped up the northeast today and yesterday, generated by enormous blasts of hot air during the latest Senate filibuster.
GOP senators seemed unconcerned about the dire consequences of their actions as they complained that the Democrats had blocked only 4 (what amounts to 2 per cent) of President Bush's judicial nominees, as opposed to the "collosal job" done by the Republicans in blocking 63, or a whopping 20 percent of Clinton's nominees during his tenor.
"These Democrats just don't have it in them," said a disappointed Rick Santorum.
The nearly forty-hour-long bore-a-thon sent a warm front south and brought 60 mile-an-hour winds northward in a meteorological balancing act that few truly understand. Trees were toppled, temperatures plunged dramatically, and children were blown off of couches and into backyards, far from their television sets.
Orrin Hatch tried to muster some sympathy for the President as fellow congressmen lay on cots "not fit for cats."
"The Democrats are treating the President like dirt," said Hatch, eliciting multiple snores.
It may have come as a surprise to Mr. Hatch that upon hearing his words, somewhere, American citizens shed a tear or two.
They were sad.
They were not weeping for President Bush.
November 13, 2003
Success! Some Members of 9/11 Panel May See White House Papers From Distance; Binoculars Allowed
The White House vowed to drop the pretense of stonewalling the independent commission on 9/11 and struck a significant deal giving panel members access to critical CIA daily intelligence briefings provided to the President.
Under the terms of the deal, two members of the commission panel will be able to view the entire library of presidential daily briefings from across a crowded room. The two members of the panel who will "see" the documents will not be able to tell the other members of the panel what they have seen. Two other members of the panel will be able to see selected documents which the White House determines are "relevant" to the commission's inquiry, but will only be able to discuss their findings in Swahili.
"I'm so glad we didn't subpoena them," Commission member Thomas Kean said of the White House.
There are some potential snags, several people waiting at a bus stop at Pocatella, Idaho, pointed out. The Commission doesn't know which two members of the panel will be permitted to view the whole library of briefings, and they are not allowed to ask. And the White House, which will determine which documents are relevant to the scope of the commission's inquiry, does not know what the scope of the commission's inquiry is.
"Something about boats?" guessed Ronald Factenheimer, the White House liaison to the Commission.
"I'm sorry, that's incorrect," said Mr. Kean, "You have twelve questions left before I flip over the cards and consider the panel stumped."
November 12, 2003
Rumsfeld, Bush, Cheney Take Bremer to Task For Shooting, Gagging Iraqis
Paul Bremer was called back to the White House suddenly today where he was angrily berated by President Bush, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and others for setting "exactly the wrong tone" and establishing "the worst kind of conditions" in which to construct a democracy in Iraq.
"You can't gag people in a democracy!" Dick Cheney said. "That's horrific!" he cried, speaking of the arrest of an i merely for criticizing the U.S. occupation. "Are we trying to build a democracy or a dictatorship, for Pete's sake!"
Donald Rumsfeld was equally aghast at actions taken by soldiers in the wake of recent attacks, in which soldiers dropped bombs and lobbed mortars onto innocent townspeople just to show "they have teeth and claws."
"Are you people out of your minds?" Rumsfeld said. "Did it ever occur to you that that's exactly the way we're building the resistance? We'll never earn support in Iraq if we use force to intimidate and devastate is and their families, man. Be decent. Be smart."
Sources say Bremer's job is hanging by a thread.
President Bush, the ever-resourceful, wise, hands-on American leader, told Bremer, "The future of the world -- indeed, the future of America -- rests upon the job we do in Iraq. We can do better. We must do better. And, for God's sake, get rid of those damn boots."
November 11, 2003
A Word From Our Sponsor
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Read More »
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November 09, 2003
Nuclear Weapons Lab Keys Are Lost — Plus, Scientists Can't Remember Where They Parked It
A U.S. nuclear weapons laboratory must replace up to 100,000 locks at a cost of more than $1.6 million, after staff lost several sets of master keys to the complex, then failed to notify superiors, it emerged Friday.Scientists running the prestigious Lawrence Livermore National Lab and Nuclear Facility near Berkeley, California, not only lost the keys but also, embarrassingly, forgot where they parked the lab on a recent outing to a nearby mall.
"I'm sure we left it right here," said Dr. Bonwit Teller, cousin of the grandson of Dr. Edward Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb. "Man, we have to find it," he said to some fellow world-class nuclear weapons scientists. "My old man is really going to freak."
The Lab was last seen parked in section A-4 of the Stockton Valley Mall, near the Sauerbraten Cafe and the Nike Rubber Pavilion.
"Oh, man," said two-time Nobel prize winner Dr. Neil Fedora. "This really bites. I left a stash of killer high-grade plutonium in there."
November 07, 2003
Iran Up To Its Eyeballs In Terror, U.S. Advisor Up To His Ears In Brown Substance
Influential Pentagon adviser Richard Perle said on Thursday that Iran was "up to its eyeballs in terrorism" and the United States should quietly be encouraging a democratic revolution from within.An alarmed Richard Perle has said that Iran is "up to its eyeballs in terrorism," that Lybia is up to its elbows in eyeballs, and Israel is up to its neck in yarmulkes.
"There are body parts serving as benchmarks everywhere!" he cried. He bemoaned that he had 'had it up to here" with terrorism, skepticism, and paranoia. "If we don't do something soon we'll be in over our heads,' he warned.
A White House spokesman up to his knees in fleas leaked in response that "the White House is examining the situation," noting that it had to juggle considerations that North Korea was "up to its urethra in uranium,' and Syria was "up to its adam's apples in Arabs." He said nothing of the fact that Pakistan is up to its adenoids in al Queda.
Forrest Forthatries, an analyst at the Darren Stephens School of Acting Intelligence, commented. "I don't know about all these reckless accusations. Here in America we're up to our eardrums in assholes."
November 06, 2003
Hussein Made Pre-War Offer to Sack Iraq, Kill Two Sons, And Go Into Hiding
The New York Times reported today that in late February, President Bush rebuffed a generous offer by Saddam Hussein to destroy much of Iraq, mercilessly kill his two sons, and go into hiding, saying, "We'd much rather do it on our own, thanks."
"My mother raised me to try and accomplish things all by myself, without the help of others, like my rich father with his ties to Big Oil and all his pals in government," Bush, Jr., said.
"American lives are a small price to pay for the gift of self reliance," he added.
November 05, 2003
U.S. Soldiers Set To Sue Manufacturers of Number Two Pencils
Jo Fish at Democratic Veteran has the story.
U.S. Soldiers Set To Sue Manufacturers of Shoulder-Launched Missiles
U.S. soldiers are contemplating filing an enormous class-action suit against the makers of shoulder-launched missiles in an effort to "make makers accountable for their makings," said Pfc. Ernst Choler dispeptically.
Shoulder-launched missiles can easily bring down a Blackhawk or Chinook helicopter, are portable and easy to hide, and can be found all over Iraq, in ammo dumps, weapons caches; they can be checked out of libraries if you have a card.
"We're going to get whoever made these fricking weapons, and while we're at it, why don't we go after whoever left them lying around unsecured in vast heaps all over Iraq, easily available to resistance members, terrorists, fugitives, and Hussein sympathizers?" said Corporal Danny Isotope.
Soldiers have named Russia as a defendant, but Russia is set to countersue the United States, who provided the Russian-made weapons to during the Reagan years. Other defendants will be Ronald Reagan, former CIA director William Casey, and Donald Rumsfeld, who arranged the weapons transfer. Reagan, Casey, and Rumsfeld will be exhumed for the proceedings.
November 04, 2003
Mel Gibson to Purchase Reagan Miniseries; Reagan Worshippers Promise to Boycott Flick
Mel Gibson, director of the controversial film of the life of Jesus Christ, snapped up the equally controversial "life of Ronald Reagan" miniseries when CBS declined to air it. CBS pulled the miniseries in response to loud protest by members of the "Cult of Reagan."
Gibson bought the miniseries because he "laughs at danger," according to a spokesman for Gibson.
Reagan cult members immediately announced that they will boycott the miniseries and pull Gibson's spleen out of his body with a giant set of sterling silver tweezers, bequeathed to them by the many Reaganites who also own huge sterling silver spoons.
Variety's Gabe Hocchhler, who covered the story under the headline "GOP PRICKS DEEP SIX RONNIE FLICKS" took time away from his rhyming dictionary long enough to say, "Just as Mel filmed his Christ epic in Sanskrit and provided English subtitles, he'll be subtitling the miniseries in black and white for the Repubican audience."
The SciFi Channel was disappointed in the sale to Gibson. They had been planning on buying the biopic and running it in a special episode of Mystery Science 3000, in which a few people opposed to censorship by wealthy bullies and politicians are marooned in space and forced to watch CBS's regular programming.
November 03, 2003
Steve Forbes To Petition For Iraqi Citizenship; Flat Tax Exerts Inescapable Pull
Hopes To Rename Fallujah "Forbestopia"
The flat tax, long a dream of economic conservatives, is finally getting its day -- not in the United States, but in Iraq.
It took L. Paul Bremer, the U.S. administrator in Baghdad, no more than a stroke of the pen Sept. 15 to accomplish [it] . . . has a flat tax, and the 15 percent rate is even lower than Forbes (17 percent) and Gramm (16 percent) favored for the United States.Steve Forbes, who has for years advocated the adoption of the flat tax here in the United States, said he plans to apply for Iraqi citizenship at the first available opportunity and to establish a faux residency there within the next three weeks.
"I'm looking for a town or a village to buy and call my own," he said. "Just a nice secluded hamlet with a helipad and a jacuzzi, maybe a few townspeople to do my bidding."
He was also examining options to incorporate the Forbes magazine empire in Iraq, "which will save us countless millions."
Asked whether he owed fealty to the United States which gave him the opportunity to inherit the enormous wealth amassed by his ancestors, he said, "No."
"I already have a load of wealth and possessions beyond my wildest imagining," he said. "Why should I give that up to help some disadvantaged Americans out? I'm looking forward to trickle down on some Iraqis. I'm going to trickle all over them."
November 02, 2003
Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld
Today Donald Rumsfeld called an attack that left sixteen U.S. soldiers dead and more than 21 wounded tragic but "necessary."
"That's what a day in a war brings. People die. Later that day you ask the Senate for appropriations," Rumsfeld intoned.
A handwritten note found on Rumsfeld's desk yesterday listed bombs, civilian casualties, lots of dead soldiers, and "untidiness" under the heading "Some Ingredients Of War."
"There are going to be days when large numbers of people are going to be killed," said Rumsfeld, speaking on Fox News today. "If people don't die, then it's not much of a war, is it? Then it would be kind of like a strenuous disagreement."