It Juliennes Fries

The nation's GDP sailed upwards this quarter to a record 7.2 %, the largest growth rate since 1984, and all without adding jobs, and with still-existing workers working fewer hours.

"Fewers workers have been able to produce more with less," said Candy Hamstrung, Chief Economic Analyst of Milkem and Grow, a Wall Street sweatshop.

"That's because of the amazing Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer," said Ron Popeii, CEO of Ronco Corporation and subject of the book "Salesman of the Century". "It can slice potatoes so thin you see right through them, or you can twist the handy dial and it will shred cabbage for cole slaw."

Popeii pointed out that workers using the Dial-O-Matic are healthier, happier, and waste fewer hours at home "slaving away over a stove," helping them to be better rested and more productive at work.

Possible Countersuit Contemplated

Donald Luskin, a writer who has encouraged readers to assault Paul Krugman with a pie, recently sent a letter to Atrios threatening to use legal action to unmask Atrios and make his private identity public, because Atrios described Luskin as a Paul Krugman "stalker."

Now, in the wake of the revelation that Donald Luskin wrote an article calling himself a stalker, Donald Luskin immediately threatened to take legal action to unmask himself and make public his own identity.

"That's just the kind of dastardly threat only I would make," said Luskin, reading a letter sent to himself by his own lawyer. "What a fiend I am!"

Iraq is dangerous, and it's dangerous because terrorists want us to leave.

-- George W. Bush

Bush: Thanks, but we got to be going.

Just another day out on the wild frontier.

With apologies to William Goldman.

Producers Frantically Plan Scott Peterson, Princess Di Stories, Panels

Cable news networks are up in arms about projections that the Kobe Bryant trial will come too soon and be too brief to generate enough punditry to fill daytime and prime-time coverage for the next two months.

"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" said Tracy Glut, producer for MSNBC. "I have rape defense experts lined up, women who have written books on rape trials, men who have written books on women who write books, divorce columnists, ten obscure defense attorneys from Idaho, Nevada, and Brazil, Farrah Fawcett, who will tell us what she learned about date rape from filming The Burning Bed, Kobe Bryant's hair-stylist, masseuse, chaffeur, and a guy who saw Kobe Bryant outside of a hotel once in 2002. That's for the first couple days. And then it could be over."

Joe Flaherffy of CNN said, "We're in kind of a bind here. We've got the Laci Patterson case, Kobe, and then what? I've got teams of people shadowing sports figures all over America waiting for them to kill someone in a bar fight or hotel room."

Glenn Spice, an agent who specialize in pundits, expressed concern. "I've got a whole stable of celebrity biographers who are just languishing out there."

Glut was beside herself. "What are we gonna do? Cover the death of some soldier in every day?"

President Bush, who has recently contracted to write the next edition of The Power of Positive Thinking with the late Norman Vincent Peale, sees the glass as half-full when talking of the recent spate of increasingly sophisticated terrorist attacks in .

"In every mushroom cloud, there's a silver lining," Bush said.
Bush intends to include handy aphorisms to guide you to happiness, such as:"One good burn deserves another" and "The early Kurd gets the berm."

Key chapters will tell Americans:

• How to eliminate that most devastating handicap -- self immolation;
• How to free yourself from worry, stress, resentment, and approaching Stinger missiles;
• How to climb above problems, and over bodies, to visualize solutions and then attain them;
• Simple prayerful exercises that you can do every day, throughout the day, to reinforce your new-found habit of happiness.

Bush intends to publish a tome on "Self-hypnosis For Success" in the near future.

Suprisingly, Osama bin Laden, when reached at an undisclosed location, approved of Bush's approach. While sipping a cool, refreshing beverage, he intoned, "I don't think of a death as just one suicide -- I think of it as 35 dead unbelievers. You have to make lemons from lemonade."

Occasional Rockets, Explosions, Hardly Disturb Sleep In Hugely Comfy Bed

A recent attack on the al-Rashid Hotel in Baghdad where Deputy Defense Secretary Paul D. Wolfowitz was staying early Sunday morning, and which killed one American soldier and injured 15 people, has been portrayed "in an unnecesarily poor light by a biased media," according to Wolfowitz.

Wolfowitz said that "the occasional roar of an approaching shoulder-launched missile" or the concussive effects of a large exploding car bomb are like "the distant clap of thunder in a natural paradise" that hardly detract from his comfort at this five-star luxury hotel room fully equipped with gold-inlaid minibar, jacuzzi bath, mahogany desks with ivory trim, and fluffy towels fit for a king.

"We're making excellent progress in rebuilding Iraq," said Wolfowitz, "American naysayers and media harpys are missing just how wonderful things are here."

Wolfowitz's upbeat comments echoed the text of a Wolfowitz memo found tumbling in the breeze amid the debris, wreckage, shrapnel and blood surrounding the site of the attack.

Wolfowitz dismissed the searing bloom of heat from a burning truck struck by a rocket-propelled hand grenade, saying, "That's just the hotel staff firing up their world-class grill."

People ask how Wolfowitz sleeps through the tumultuous war that takes the lives of U.S. soldiers and innocent is almost every day.

"I sleep very well," he said, slipping under the 300-thread-count sheets on his plush, premium bed and resting his head on a trio of King-size down pillows.

Dear Tom,

Pablo

Dear Pablo,

Don't despair. Take my word for it, just vote for a Democrat. I don't want to make things difficult for you by explaining why.

Tom

Tom baby,

Strangely Affectionate Cowboy

S.A.C.,

You're talking about Operation Hero Miles, the program designed to help U.S. soldiers on leave from Iraqg et a flight home, when all the U.S. Government will do is drop them in a stinking hole in Germany on "leave" with little food, clothing, or money. It is a very fine program. I know that, with nine years of travel on United, I can now give one of those boys enough miles to plunge to a watery death a quarter of the way across the Atlantic, and I'm sure that someone, somewhere -- maybe someone who has flown for eighty years or something -- will donate enough miles to get that poor boy to J.F.K. Int'l Airport, even though he lives clear across the country in Wisconsin. At least he'll be able to hang out at the duty-free shop.

If you don't have miles, I would suggest saving your table scraps instead of throwing them out. You can make a nice compost or just send them as is to those fine fighting folks in Germany and they can tuck in. They'll really thank you for it.

Tombo

An Opinions You Should Have Retraction

Yesterday's post was, apparently, an error. According to Secretary Rumsfeld, the world is a festering sore on the face of the Universe, and is the sucking chest wound of American foreign policy. We're all doomed.

Opinions You Should Have regrets the error.

No Discouraging Words Are Heard

Astonishingly, the entire U.S. and the rest of the world underwent a startling transformation yesterday, when, a bare couple of hours after a White house order that, henceforth, only good news could be reported in America, everything became the absolute model of perfection.

No more bodies are coming back from , amazingly, and we here in the press can only conclude that Bush & Co. -- God bless them -- have licked that nasty problem and installed both a flourishing democracy and a Dolby 5.1 Surround System with five incredibly large speakers placed around the country so that is can enjoy the most lifelike sound and the finest viewing experience available.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned out to be the most gifted natural leader California has ever known, and we understand that California -- overnight, mind you! -- now has a $37 billion surplus. Who woulda thunk?

Terrorism has disappeared, and all moslems converted to Christianity late last night, said Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, and Lt. General William Boykin. The world has become utterly homogenous.

In other news, the Euro was chucked by all foreign nations and the American dollar has been embraced as the only currency used anywhere on the planet.

Karl Rove leaked yesterday that America now has a trade surplus for the first time in recorded history, or whatever.

Howard Dean and Wesley Clark, holding hands and frequently hugging "in a manly way," dropped out of the race for President and agreed that "everything's just fine the way it is," as they changed their party affiliation to Republican and declared "that the two party system in America is unnecessary now." Every other Democratic candidate is expected to drop out of the race except Dennis Kucinich.

Homosexuals went straight yesterday, declaring that their former sexual preferences were the product of mental imbalances and problems bonding with their mothers. And evil.

Scientists in Palo Alto, California announced that they have discovered that nuclear radiation is good for you.

People will not have to take time from watching TV to vote anymore! A small group of fine folk on the Defense Policy Board, including Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle, will choose the President for us, giving us more time to barbeque, watch movies, and shop.

There's more! Doctors who do not commit malpractice ever anymore say cancer builds strong bones twelve ways. . . .

Killing, Skinning, Exporting Endangered Animals Will Help Conservation Efforts, Says Bush; Getting Rid Of Barney Just A "Fringe Benefit"

President Bush has announced plans to ship the stuffed remains of Barney, his "beloved" pet dog, in order to publicize a "bold new step forward" in conservation under the Endangered Animals Act.

For the first time, administration officials propose to change the interpretation of a critical passage in the Act which would allow the resumption of killing, skinning, and trade in endangered animals and their "parts." This will, in turn, help to raise funds to "conserve those precious animals," said Milly Tiddly of the US. Dpeartment of Agriculture.

Tiddly said enormous amounts of funds, perhaps as much as "three or four hundred dollars a skin" could be raised overseas if the U.S. relaxes its interpretation of "ruthlessly exploiting endangered animals for outright profit" under the terms of the Act, which was signed into law by Richard M. Nixon during a lull in illegal wiretapping.

"Permitting trade in animal parts will be good for endangered animals," said Tiddly. "Let's say your Asian elephant's trunk is kind of bent and you need a new one," she said. "You can just pick one up over the internet."

Critics of the change remarked that killing animals seems to an unlikely way to conserve and protect rare species.

"That's exactly what you'd expect these folks to say," said Tiddly. "They can't see the loris for the fleas."

Wanna know why my site has been going up and down like a yo-yo? Go below the fold to find out.

Plan Is To Prevent U.S. Casualties By Shielding Them From U.S. Military Medical Services

Donald Rumsfeld's plan to withdraw 30,000 U.S. troops from Iraq next summer will not result in a festival of rioting, looting, violent crime and stepped-up terrorism because Judge Dredd and other fictional characters will be deployed to the country to replace them, leaked a White House aide.

Judge Dredd, a comic book character who is famous for his ability to unilaterally pursue, capture, try, convict, sentence, and execute felons, is excited about the chance to "whip post-war Iraq into shape." Dredd opined, through his writers, that he would be far more effective controlling crime and waging war than actual, flesh-and-blood soldiers.

Giant-size Gumby and Pokey figurines equipped with large animated M-16's are also being readied for placement all over Baghdad and other key Iraqi hot-spots. Gumby and Pokey declined to be placed in Fallujah, however, because "it's just too dangerous," a Claymation spokesperson said.

Rumsfeld came up with the well-thought-out plan after several seconds of consideration following a call from the White House informing him that Americans are upset that U.S. soldiers continue to be killed or wounded under the peaceful, flourishing democracy that has sprung to life in postwar Iraq.

"The action is also to try and stem the tide of casualties by insulating soldiers from military medical treatment," leaked anonymous White House aide Felton Toesucker.

Rumsfeld would not elaborate on how he expected fictional characters to fill the gap created by withdrawing soldiers from the understaffed U.S. occupation force, but hinted that he was going to speak with Jiminy Cricket.

Word has it Rumsfeld plans to wish upon a star.

The Mayor of Chicago has joined forces with President George Bush in naming Cubs fan Steve Bartman as a new "Star Wars"-type missile shield for the city of Chicago. Bartman is the fan who some say interfered with a foul ball catch by Moises Alou that would have virtually handed the Cubs the National League Champions.

"Maybe he can catch a missile, he's so good at intercepting moving objects," said Dwight Harmigan, a longtime Cubs fan.

"Steve is happy to do anything that might help erase his terrible mistake," said a man believed to be Steve's dad, but who refused to identify himself.

"Steve will be stapled to the top of the Sears Tower and given a very large baseball glove," Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley said. Daley was, at first, upset with media for naming Bartman, but has since decided that "it's better that we all know who this -- person -- was."

Fran Lefkowiz, a resident of Viscious, Illinois, said that Bartman "should be strapped to the nose of the next shuttle and left there," but others were not so mean-spirited.

Sean Wench, of Passayulayunk, Illiinois, was quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times as saying that "maybe we should be blaming the cubs for losing even when they had a 3-run lead." Sean was photographed leaning on his car, license plate JFK492, outside of his place of work, Mr. Drizzle's Salad Bar at 4029 Tachocua Road, talking on his cell phone (773-446-029).

The British Institute Of Brilliance And Uncommon Foresight announced in its Annual Report today that killing, maiming, and dismembering members of Moslem families "irritates surviving family members to no end."

"It can make them violent, extremely so, even to the point of forming themselves into quasi-military or terrorist organizations and vowing to get even," explained Hugh Wensleydale, a Senior Prognosticator of BIABOBAUF.

"We discovered that invading their countries and depriving them of basic freedoms and control of their own future also pisses them off a great deal," he added.

These considerations were overlooked in planning the war and the larger war against terrorism "of which your self-installed leader speaks frequently," said Wensleydale, who claimed not to be British at all, but merely something resembling Welsh, he said.

Wensleydale said that the study by he and the other "Brilliantists" explains why Al Queda's ranks are now swelling as a consequence of America's war.

"But only really amazing geniuses, truly monumental intellects the like of which this world has not seen for millennia -- such as ourselves -- could have foreseen so inexplicable an outcome," said Wensleydale.

Pepsi, Others Considering Run As Well

The Republican-controlled Congress, unable to think of any new tax breaks to give major corporations, is on its way to giving corporations the right to hold elective ofice.

"We could give them more tax breaks, sure," said Sen. Don Nickles. "But the fact is, most corporations pay nothing or next to nothing anyway. We want to give corporations some real incentive to stay in America."

Coca-Cola is set to file papers establishing an election committee as early as next Tuesday, and Pepsi is considering "throwing its bottle cap into the ring" sometime in November.

"There's gonna be a whole new meaning to the phrase `cola wars,'" said Brad Esterfelt, a advertising consultant for nGreen, a Madison Avenue Advertising firm. "But Coke is a natural for the presidency, everyone loves Coke, it has an excellent record in both domestic and foreign markets -- it's a uniter, not a divider."

Coke is so confident that it has has leaked a list of possible cabinet officers: Secretary of Defense: Boeing/McDonnell Douglas; Secretary of Agriculture: Exxon; Secretary of Health And Welfare: Phizer; and Arthur Anderson would be named head of the SEC.

Administration sources said they believe that the officials who discussed Plame were not trying to expose her, but were using the information as a tool to try to persuade reporters to ignore Wilson. The officials wanted to convince the reporters that he had benefited from nepotism in being chosen for the mission.

President Bush is to address the nation tonight to explain that "we will take no prisoners, turn a blind eye toward no one, leave no family member behind, in our fight to protect America from this terrible scourge." President Bush, who was given a Major League baseball team, two oil companies, a governorship and a presidency by virtue of his relation to the other President Bush, will say that "destroying the cover of an undercover CIA agent was a small price to pay" if it means the elimination of nepotism "which threatens the moral purity of our entire nation."

The White House has given few clues as to what precisely President Bush's concerns were, aside from Scott McClellan's few leaks that "nepotism is evil," and "doing that with a family member is beyond icky."

A senior administration official leaked, "People should be free to make their own choices without someone suborning their will through the use of arcane voodoo."

Todd Unction of the Manson Family Institute opined, "They may be talking about hypnotism, although, for a while, I thought they were talking about incest."

He added, "But most of the decisions made within this White House are the product of inbreeding, so I think we can rule that out."

Six months from the day Baghdad fell to American troops, George W. Bush told Americans yesterday that the situation in is "a lot better than you probably think."

The President tried to reassure the country today that the war in was justified and that rebuilding was progressing well. He made the comments as part of a White House public relations offensive that some find defensive and others find completely offensive.

The White House has adopted several strategies, among them pushing the slogan "Got War?" and an ad featuring a soldier standing out in 120-degree heat and a kevlar vest saying, "At least I'm not freezing my ass off."

Condoleezza Rice swept the nation yesterday, and vacuumed the front porch, saying, "The media is always showing you the bad side of . But if you roll over, there's some really great things under there."

Donald Rumsfeld, who looked like he had just crawled out from under , said, "Freedom is not as untidy as you might think."

Reservist Mitchell Fergesun of South Dakota, who is set to begin a tour of duty in next week, said, "Bush is right. probably is not as bad as we think."

He waited until his wife and three children had gone into the backyard to play and whispered:

"It's probably a whole lot worse."

Administration Now thinks It Might Be A "Bad Idea"

In the wake of California's reelection, the White House has decided that its former policy toward North Korean development of nuclear missiles needs "rethinking," a senior White House aide leaked yesterday.

The White House had long ignored intelligence -- as well as outright boasts by Kim Il Jong -- that North Korea has an advanced nuclear weapons program, and is months away from developing nuclear missiles capable of reaching California.

"Really, what did we have to lose?" said Barney Musselman of the Vice President's Office. "Getting rid of California would have meant 54 electroal votes that some Democrat would not be getting."

"It appears we may have miscalculated, " said Musselman. "Now, if California disappears, that would be -- um -- yes, 54 votes that we might be losing."

The White House is considering several strategies to prevent the development of North Korean nukes, including: buying Kim Jong Il off; erecting a giant human shield over California, made up mostly of people from New York State; and redistricting.

Why resdistricting? "We figure you can never redistrict too much."

Rumsfeld to Be Placed In Long-Term Storage Facility

Condoleezza Rice, saddled anew with the task of rebuilding , has wasted no time. She plans to spend the week looking at color swatches, trying out sofas, and finding approximately 50,000 "nice lamps."

"A country cannot find its way unless it has some nice lamps and comfortable seating," said Rice.

Donald Rumsfeld was unhappy with Bush's decision to remove him from the rebuilding equation. He found out about his ouster by reading an article in Time magazine whilst on the toilet.

"I haven't been regular since," he noted.

Rice was careful to say that the U.S. plan to rebuild is "right on track," and to emphasize that "we're making progress everyday," although she has been to known to say the same thing about the FBI anthrax-mailer investigation.

Rice also moved to "push through" the procurement of 400,000 street signs which are to be placed all over . "Wherever you go, there you are -- except that don't know where you are unless you have adequate signage," said Rice.

A private U.S. company is to make the signs under a no-bid $500 million contract.

UPDATE: Rice noted that it would difficult to find the right place to put all the new couches because "of all those weapons of mass destruction that are still laying around."

To Condoleezza Rice

Flesh Wounds Are Red
Violets Are Blue
I'm Gonna Give
to You

To Dick

Here's to You,
Old Bump On My Head
When I Gave The State of The Union Speech
You Sat Behind Me, Just Out of My Reach
Sometimes You'd Be Bored
Sometimes You Would Smile
I Would be Remiss
Not To Call It A Grimace

A Haiku

How many syllables
Are there supposed to be in this durn pome
I cannot count

The probable election of Arnold Schwarzenegger by savvy, discriminating Californians ushered in a new era today, where politicians "finally need not fear exposing the lust in their heart or the gleam in their eye," said Shrubnik Mensch, a senior analyst with the Brookings Institute. The news brought mixed reactions among politicians of all stripes and appetites.

Gary Hart bemoaned the newly refined attitude toward sexual "indiscretions."

"Nowadays, cavorting with a willing and attractive blond on a yacht seems tame by comparison," said Hart. "Dang."

Theodore Harrington III, a wealthy publishing magnate planning to buy an elective office in the near future, regretted not openly groping and pawing women like they were animals in the past. "I've missed so many opportunities in life," he said tearfully.

Shrubnik Mensch was unsure how much, exactly, attitudes have changed. "I'm not sure there are new rules about consensual sex. But I think if you force yourself on a woman -- well, if you hold it against them, people no longer hold it against you."

On Capital Hill, nonstop parties filled with flowing liquor and the open groping of Congressional pages marked the celebration of a new "honest" era. Strom Thurmond came back from the dead to pinch the butt of a 16-year-old.

"This is great," Thurmond, said, through a spokesman. "If I would of known this would happen, I never would have died."

Republicans in Congress have mounted an immediate campaign against allegations of criminal White House improprieties with a hilarious array of joke props and novelty gags that have Democrats begging for mercy.

The New York Times reports:

House Republicans distributed white paper bags with the label "Leak hyperventilation bag," saying they might come in handy for Democrats who were having trouble catching their breath over the subject. . . .

"It's slime and defend," said one Republican aide on Capitol Hill.

Majority leader Bill Frist put one over on Teddy Kennedy after he snuck into Kennedy's office and filled all of his pens with invisible ink. "I guess he'll have to write that bill again," said Frist, before dissolving into a fit of guffaws and giggles. "It's obvious that the Democrats are pouncing on the Administration's criminal acts just to distract the American public."

Among the weapons Republicans have lined up to counter Robert Novak's bombshell that two senior White House officials committed two felonies by telling him the identity of an undercover CIA agent are exploding candy, Stink-o hand wipes, hairy soap, sneezing powder and the infamous "spring-loaded-snake-in-the-Congressional-Record."

"These Democrats are up to the same old tricks: grasping at straws," said Tom Delay, as he substituted belch powder for the salt in the Capitol cafeteria.

Representative Peter T. King of Long Island said the controversy surrounding crimes committed by White House leakers "shouldn't have legs". . .

"I think today's audience is much more interested in a story about cigars and genitalia than a simple `white-house-calls-reporter, ruins-career-of-undercover-CIA-operative, endangers-WMD-intelligence-gathering-and-possibly-people's-live's' story," he added.

Peter Bart of Variety doubts the story can appeal to the critical 18- to 49-year-old consumer group that drives film advertising.

"I'm sure you saw my story," Bart said. "Leaks Reak, Studio To Nix Flix On Novak Hack."

Some would say that this is a classic tale of imperial presidential arrogance, the corruption of absolute power, of petty revenge, he remarked.

"But with this administration, it's kind of a tired cliché."