U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI
The FBI today revealed that an investigation which had first revealed that CIA Chief General Petraeus was having one or two affairs, or possibly six, has now implicated other military figures in what an FBI spokesman called "ridiculous amounts of sex."
"It seems that America's military leaders are almost as insatiable as members of Congress," Special Agent Vilmos Zladek told the press.
The FBI has been investigating to see, among other things, if improper relations between high ranking officials and civilians had resulted in the disclosure of sensitive information.
"What we're concerned with here is security, yes, but also a complete lack of productivity," said Zladek. FBI agents have discovered tens of thousands of pages containing emails between General John Allen, the top military officer in Afghanistan and Jill Kelly, an extremely buxom socialite from Tampa, prompting agents to wonder how General Allen had time to do anything else -- for instance, to direct military operations in Afghanistan, walk, or shave. The FBI has not yet concluded whether Allen was having an affair with Kelly because it is possible, Zladek noted, that they were too busy writing emails to have sex with one another.
Lily Fitzsimmons of Little Brisket, Wisconsin, agreed that the FBI was right to investigate Petraus, who is married with children; Broadwell, who is married with children; Kelly, who is married but with whom children refuse to be associated; and other military figures. "I'm actually not so worried about the security implications or whether these people were really doing their jobs," she said. "I'm concerned with whether these people have the capacity to think, feel, or reason."
A new group calling itself the Association of Legitimate Rapists has publically endorsed Senate candidate Todd Akin and, in fact, the entire Republican party and platform. "Republicans are the party of legitimate rapists," said spokesman Mark Futter, " and probably, in fact, rapists everywhere."
After Akin's recent remarks on abortion -- that "legitimate rape rarely results in pregnancy" -- the association immediately made large contributions to the RNC, Mr Akin's campaign, and very large secret donations to SuperPacs run by Karl Rove and the Koch brothers. "We have to get behind these people," said legitimate rapist Steven McDonald. "These people are behind us; we have to get behind them." It was unclear whether McDonald's remarks were an expression of support or intimate desire.
There has been some controversy surrounding Akin's remarks, including great criticism from scientists (that pregnancy occurs at the same rate among criminally sexual practitioners as it does among consenting adults), women (that there is no such thing as a "legitimate rapist") and women scientists (that Todd Akin is a complete moron).
In response to calls for Akin to withdraw from the Senate race, fellow congressman Steve King, a prominent leader of the Republican party, expressed continued support for Akin and his candidacy. "I know that legitimate rapists exist," said King. "For one thing, they have an association."
Guns Don't Kill People, People with Freely Available Automatic Weapons with 100 Bullet Drum Magazines Do
Opinions You Should Have joins the scores of gun enthusiasts who insist that, if Colorado allowed its citizens to carry concealed weapons, there would have been far less bloodshed in Aurora -- not counting the additional people who would have been shot by civilians attempting to shoot the assailant in the dark in a completely crowded theater filled by panicked people trying to escape.
This has been an Opinions You Should Have incredibly brief editorial.
"We all know the key to growing America's corporations is cutting the fat," Romney said. "Laying off lots and lots of workers is the key to maximizing profits and getting this economy back on its feet."
Romney explained that he wanted to help American workers by laying them off and giving them a robust economy where they could consume more goods and prop up more CEOs, "because well paid business executives are the people who create companies that create jobs that people can be laid off from."
George Poppadopomous, a former worker who lost his job last month, angrily questioned Romney outside the Fox News studios. "Can't you think of a better way to grow the economy besides firing workers?" he asked.
"Absolutely," answered Romney. " You can also cut medical benefits."
Gingrich Loses Caucuses But Still Mysteriously Paid $1.6 Million
Although New Gingrich came in fourth in the Iowa caucuses, the people of Iowa paid him $1.6 million for his participation, Gingrich spokespersons revealed this morning. It could not be determined what precisely Mr. Gingrich had been paid for, but Gingrich's people noted that Gingrich "rarely did anything" unless he could get paid $1.6 million to do it. "Iowa caucuses no exception," said one source.
It was unclear how Mr. Gingrich came to be paid, although sources suggested that Mr. Gingrich may have been a "historical consultant."
One Iowan, Phyllis Tange of Des Moines, had no objection to Mr. Gingrich's payment by Iowans, because she understood that he was being paid as a "hysterical consultant." Ms. Tange observed, "He certainly has a lot of expertise in that area."
In other news, Michelle Bachman credited her loss in the caucuses to communists, saying "those Reds love Romney, Santorum, and Paul." Further discussion with Ms. Bachmann revealed that had confused the Iowa caucuses with the Russian Caucasus.
Ron Paul attributed his third place showing to the existence of the Federal Reserve.